Going the Distance

2/26/12 - Feeling Like a Bouncing Ball

2012-02-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Was astonished to log on and see that my last post was a week ago. I felt very good for the first few days after chemo, however, much of the rest of the week was spent just trying to get through each moment of the day... some days I felt good in my head, but my body was dragging... other days, I was running up the stairs but then couldn't remember why I had gone there... and for a few days (and nights) I was battling pain, dizziness, fever and some slight nausea.

On Monday, I received the Neulasta injection, for the purpose of keeping the white blood cell count up. This med does have side-effects, however... one of which is bone pain. This is something difficult to describe. It's deep inside, accompanied by a trembling feeling. It started in the top of my feet one night, and by the next day was throughout my legs and into my hips. It's an excruciating pain, which frequently brought tears to my eyes. I took pain medication at night, which helped, but only took 1/2 dose at work, because it makes me so sleepy. Walking around the studio, kicking my legs out, helped somewhat... those were a tough few days. Luckily, it only lasted a couple days! I will definitely have the injection again after the next chemo, because an extremely low white blood cell count is, uh... life-threatening! I'll deal with the pain.

On Thursday (which would have been the beginning of the 7-10 "danger zone") I developed a fever in the evening. It went up to 100.2 (100.5 is when a chemo patient must go to the ER). I took my temperature every half hour as per doctor's orders. I was lucky... woke up the next morning and temp was 97.7. Ric was in Pittsburgh, so before I went to bed, I packed a bag and wrote down all the meds I had taken during the day, just in case I needed to call 911. I had my friend Cathy's phone number ready to call to come get Bodhi if necessary.

Most of us think the only major side-effect with chemotherapy is nausea... but oh my... there are so many things to deal with. Some come and go, some occur simultaneously. This is not a list of complaints, but these are the things I've dealt with this week. So, if you are experiencing symptoms like these... just know it's common. DRY MOUTH - gums and tongue feel rough, throat is a little sore, taste buds are affected. Rinsing with regular mouthwash helped me, but the doctor can prescribe something for more serious problems. FATIGUE - I normally run up stairs, often take two steps at a time... but now, despite walking everyday, I experience muscle fatigue and my stamina is definitely diminished. DIZZINESS - when my ears start to ring, or I feel like there's a covering over my ears, that's my cue to sit down immediately, and breathe deeply until the feeling passes. SKIN IRRITATIONS - my skin feels like it's sunburned, and the places change from day to day... just an odd feeling. NUMBNESS/TINGLING - well, you'd think if hands and feet were numb, there'd be no pain... but it's more like the tingling you get after your leg has fallen asleep... that feeling you can't wait to go away. FEVER - since my ER trip, when I was sure I didn't have a fever and it was in fact 103.9, I've learned to follow doctor's orders and take my temp twice a day. It's surprising how quickly a fever can come upon you. SLEEP PROBLEMS - This one is driving me crazy! Sometimes I fall right to sleep and wake up at 3am and never go back to sleep. Sometimes I'm awake untill 3am. Or 5. Or 6. That's my favorite... 15 minutes before the alarm goes off! LOL! And then sometimes I sleep so much I have to think hard about what day it is. There's no rhyme or reason to it. At a time when sleep is important, it's a time when regular and consistent sleep is impossible. If you're a chemo patient, or caring for someone who is... just keep these things in mind!

To sum it up... I feel like a ball being bounced against the wall. My experience with chemo this time around is Simply Unpredictable! Just don't know what I'm going to be up against from day to day! But you know what? I am making it each day. Last night, my friend, Cathy Bush, and I enjoyed dinner together at the Mexican Shoney's and laughed and giggled and shared stories and encouragement with each other. Despite the obstacles during the week, I ended up at a restaurant with a friend. So who's blessed? Me.

2/19/12 - Tree of Knowledge

2012-02-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

after the thunder

eager sun breaks through the clouds

making all things new

(~haiku by ric)

At a recent remote broadcast, I met a nice lady who listens to V100 all the time. As we chatted about my current bout with breast cancer, Karen said to me, "Sometimes the things we go through are for other people." I was speechless for a moment as this incredible thought sunk in. She said, "Think about how many things we have gone through, and how they have benefited others. Yes, sometimes the things we go through and how we deal with them is for the benefit of someone else."

Oh my... she's right! There are so many people who have been in and out of my life, who have left a positive impact and impression on me. These encounters (whether they seemed good or bad at the time) have pointed me in new directions and have led me to where I am at this moment. (And at this moment, my head is being flooded with faces of family, friends, people I've worked with before and work with now, teachers, pets, ex-husbands...)

I am using my current circumstances to enlighten others about the importance of taking responsibility for our own health. But why not? Since I already have breast cancer, and have a public forum (radio) in which to speak about it, why not share information, so that others might have a better chance of dealing with it?

BUT... if God had asked me to have breast cancer to help others, would I have said, "YES?" Probably... but with many conditions! "Sure, God, but can we wait until I'm a little more prepared?" "Oh yes, I'll be glad to, especially if you would go ahead and let me know exactly when I'll be cured. That would help me get thru everything so much easier." "You know I love you God, but I do have my family, and I think this would be too hard on them." "I can do that, God, but not today. Can you check back with me in a few days, months, years..." Okay, so I probably wouldn't even had said "yes."

I'm not sure Karen meant that we do things like this solely for others. Certainly, I'm learning a lot for myself in this journey. Perhaps it's that we do things for others, and then we get a blessing as well! Perhaps it's just a reminder to me not to be self-focused at any point in this journey, but to use every step as a way to help others. Is that the LIGHT on this path? Because I definitely always see the light... even in my dark moments, I still see the Light!

The following is probably the quote that most affects how I want to life my life. When I first saw it about a year ago, I didn't like the word "doomed" and wanted to retype the quote, leaving it out... but because it did trouble me and make me squirm, I left it as is, propped up at my desk at home. It has now come to mean to me that sometimes we do have to suffer. How can anyone ever learn anything from someone who hasn't gone through a trial of some sort? As Henri Nouwen has said, it's the wounded healer that can make a difference. Thank you, Karen, for helping me to further understand. I know there are more layers of meaning yet to come.

2/19/12 - Day After the Day After

2012-02-19T17:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I was on an extreme high... today I still feel good, but the high is gone. Still taking the same medicines, but different responses to it. Just when I think I have this thing all figured out, I find there is no figuring out chemotherapy reactions. So I remember to take it a day at a time. Which is pretty easy for me again today... pleased that I have still had zero nausea and pain. My fatigue is only moderate. I'd say I'm doing well. Catching up on housework and American Idol today!

2/18/12 - Pillow Power

2012-02-19T16:57:00.003-05:00

Here's something I meant to write about a long time ago. It's a fantastic project for anyone who sews and has a sewing machine and left-over fabric!

I received my little pillow 6 years ago at CAMC just before my lumpectomy and lymph node surgery. The nurse told me that a group of women make these for breast cancer surgery patients. After the lymph node surgery, it feels like a big block of wood is under your arm, and oftentimes, when the arm touches your side, there is a fairly significant burning sensation. These little pillows can be used to provide comfort when you're sitting. It's important at night to keep your arm elevated during the healing period on a regular pillow, and this little pillow provides just enough support under your hand to keep your arm straight and more comfortable. These "little" pillows make a big difference.

My particular pillow is about 7"x10" and is just right. The filling is soft, and that is important. If the pillow is stuffed too tightly, it would feel like one more thing jabbing into your side. Mine even has a matching pillowcase over it, which is not absolutely necessary, but a nice touch.

These pillows also come in handy if you have a port inserted for chemo delivery. When riding in a car, the shoulder seat belt will come right over the place where the port has been inserted, so again this little pillow comes to the rescue to provide some protective padding.

I don't know if anyone still does this project for CAMC. I know they do not have these at St. Francis. So, if you're interested in volunteering your time and resources, you might want to check it out. Remember, it's important for women to have these BEFORE they go home from the lymph node surgery! I think I received mine when I went in for pre-admission testing, so that might be the best department to contact to have these distributed.

Just thought I'd pass along this idea for anyone looking for something to do to make a difference!

2/18/12 - I'm Brave! No, Just a Goofball...

2012-02-19T16:57:00.002-05:00

I've always been a little squeamish about getting blood drawn, stitches out, etc. One of my recent scars has been itching like crazy. I put lotion on it often, but kept feeling a tiny rough spot, but couldn't see anything. Last night, I looked at it with a magnifying mirror and there was a tiny piece of a stitch still there. Got out the tweezers and pulled it out myself! I've really never felt brave until then. LOL! (I would've posted a picture of the stitch, but would have needed a high-powered close-up lens.)

2/18/12 - What? No Taste Buds?

2012-02-19T16:57:00.001-05:00

Mandarin & Mango flavor

One of the side-effects of chemo that doesn't make one sick, but takes some of the fun out of life is the loss of taste buds! Fun aside, the dangerous part is that it can cause us to limit the amount of water we drink... and it's vitally important to maintain a high intake of fluids (non-caffeinated) during the entire course of chemotherapy. Well, for me, there are many times when water, which we think of as having no taste, becomes difficult to down. It feels like oil in our mouths. So, we are on a constant search for something to cut through that oily "taste" and be able to enjoy drinking fluids enough to keep on drinking. Cranberry juice may help for a few days, then I find it no longer is appealing. Lemonade can work for a while, and then, oooops - there it goes, no longer pleasant and refreshing. Here's one I recently found that seems to be having some lasting pleasure for me. It's a box of those little packets you just add to a glass or bottle of water. So far so good, so thought I would share it!

2/18/12 - Retreat

2012-02-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

From the "Daily Word" devotional that I read each morning:

SANCTUARY - Friday, February 17, 2012

I am safe and protected in the sanctuary of God's Care.

Jesus reminded us of the importance of having a sanctuary - a place for retreat. He withdrew often to spend quiet time with God and to rest and pray.

In the busyness of my everyday life, I, too, need a place to call my sanctuary, a place where I feel safe and protected, and able to relax, rejuvenate and reconnect with spirit.

My sanctuary might be a physical space, such as a special room in my home, a church I attend, or a park I like to visit. Or my sanctuary might be a state of mind and heart, where I retreat in prayer and meditation.

In my sanctuary, I relase my innermost feelings and concerns to God. I visit it often, and when I'm there, I rest in God's love, safety and support.

He said to them, "Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while." -Mark 6:31

This is a favorite place in my house for a quiet morning retreat before I go to work. I try to keep it uncluttered so that it's a peaceful place to sit and unclutter my mind! I have the blessing of looking out over the woods in the back of our house. An old window from England, that Ric and I found at Goodwill, sits in our window... gives me a sort of connection to the rest of the world and keeps me less self-focused.

Here's this morning's reading...

I love this...

GRACE - Saturday, February 18, 2012

I am a blessed and beloved child of God.

When a ball is thrown against a wall, it bounces back. Likewise, the actions and energy I send out return to me in kind. I give love and I am blessed by love's return. I hold positive thoughts and they contribute to the good I experience.

When I become aware that I have made a mistake or expressed less than my full potential, God's grace softens the consequence and guides me through a learning opportunity. It is as if I've thrown a ball against the wall and it deflected at an angle, instead of returning to me at full impact. I am a blessed and beloved child of God, growing into the full expression of my divine potential. I learn from mistakes and accept God's grace with a grateful heart.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all. -Titus 2:11

2/18/12 - A Pink Message

2012-02-19T16:56:00.001-05:00

For October's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, each year The Chop House invites breast cancer survivors who have participated in the Charleston Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure to come have lunch on them. It's a lovely time of sharing stories, hope and being grateful to have survived this disease. The food is awesome, too! At my first luncheon in 2006, either we all received a begonia plant, or I won one as a gift... I don't remember which. I've kept it inside and watered it all these years, but it never bloomed again. Until recently... it has been blooming ever since my second surgery in December! I do believe it is a message from God that no matter what is going on... I am to LIVE joyfully!

2/18/12 - Day after Second Chemo

2012-02-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

I am pleased to be doing amazingly well today. I got a good night's sleep. Thanks, sweet Ric, for taking Bodhi for his early morning walk so that I could sleep in! I feel a little shaky, but that's normal for having just received chemo, and I'm drinking lots of water to get it all flushed out of my system. My mind is racing today, and I'm hopping all over the house taking pictures of things I want to put on this blog today... and thoughts I've been wanting to write about, but haven't had the time or energy to do so. I'm likely feeling this energy boost from the steroids I'm taking for a few days, but you know what? I'll take it! Red flushed face and all. Ric and I are going to the Southridge iHop today for our favorite blueberry pancakes. We're hoping for a nice quiet, no evacuation, breakfast! iHop Evacuation.

Yes, my face really is this red today... no makeup

And if I still have some energy, I'm going to stop by Target and get a new tube of mascara for the dozen or so eyelashes I have left!

2/17/12 - Chemo #2

2012-02-17T23:37:00.000-05:00

Chemo #2 has gone very well so far. I have not had one bit of nausea! Zero pain! Very thankful. The infusion went a little quicker today - took about 4 hours altogether for the anti-nausea medicines, and the two chemo drugs. I only slept for one hour last night due to the steroids I had to start taking yesterday. Again I take those 24 hours before chemo, and then for five more days, to prevent allergic reactions. The anti-nausea meds I had in my IV cause drowsinesss, so I was very sleepy and tired for about 4-5 hours after today's treatment. But for the rest of the evening, I've felt really good. I took Bodhi for two short walks, had dinner (thanks to Anna), watched a little of American Idol that I DVR'd earlier this week. Two more doses of the steroids today, and my face is on fire... it and my chest and arms are so red. No problem, just a side effect that will go away in 4 days, not that I'm counting.

I typed up a list of my medications today (and Ric's). I found out when there is an emergency such as when I had to go to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's really difficult to remember everything you take and the dosages of same, while dealing with a serious illness. So now Ric and I each have a copy to carry with us at all times. I suggest doing this before your need it... it will save a lot of time when it's important to get treatment started quickly! Because I've had lymph nodes removed from under both arms, I also noted on my list (in italics) that both arms are restricted from being used for blood pressure checks and that blood pressure needs to be taken in my ankle. I noted on the list that I have a Double Power Port inserted on my left side. And finally that I'm being treated for breast cancer on my right side. You will be asked about all these things, except the arm restriction(s)... unless you wear alert bracelets (which are available from the American Cancer Society). There is no way medical personnel will know unless you tell them. This is always your responsibility to let them know. Believe it or not, it's not easy to remember this when you're really sick... so put it on your list!

Lorelee, my nurse for today, told me about a terrific app for the iPhone. It's called iChemo Diary, and is a great way to store daily data about medicines taken, side-effects experienced, temperature, and other information. There's also the ability to print and/or email a copy to your doctor before your next appointment. I was asked questions today about my hospitalization and subsequent ER visit, and could not recall the exact daes... so keeping this little diary will be an easy way to record those kinds of details. While I was searching for this app, I found another one called iMedications, which looks handy too. It looks like you can set time alerts to let you know it's time to take your medicine. There was a small charge for the medications app, but the iChemo Diary is free!

2/16/12 - Second Chemo Tomorrow

2012-02-16T18:00:00.001-05:00

Here we go again! Chemo on my calendar for 9:00 in the morning. I'm a little anxious about it, hoping the side-effects are not so bad this time. Not much anxiety though, because I keep replacing all those thoughts with positive ones! I've been taking Prilosec twice a day, per doctor's orders, to help alleviate the nausea, and I'm pretty sure he told me I would get a Neulasta injection 24 hrs after chemo to bring up the white blood cell count. So, there's no reason why all shouldn't go well this time! I'll still have other side effects, but those I can handle. Tomorrow's treatment will move me one step closer to being completely healed!

I'll go into chemo this time without any hair! That is definitely not a problem, because I'm having terrific fun with all my wigs! And Ric has a new woman every day! I don't know if he considers that a good thing or if it scares the heck out of him! Here's one of the wigs:

2/11/12 - Marion King... my mother

2012-02-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

It's been a difficult week. My mother passed away on Tuesday morning. For three and a half years, Mom has mourned the loss of my Dad. They were married for 57 years at the time of his death, and Mom could just never cope with being without him. She spent her last year in a nursing home and seemed to simply be waiting... for her Bud. I know that God is good... so I am sure that Mom and Dad are now together again!

My daughter, Jill, reminded me, "Remember that neither Grandma nor Grandpa would want you to be sad for them. They would want you to be celebrating that they are together again and happy. You are such a strong person. Show them that you are strong. Allow them to be looking down and be proud of you for the strength that you reach so far inside to find. Remember they are happy and that is what they want for everyone."

My son, Danny, was a solid rock for me to lean on last week. I'm glad he's been working out... cause I needed his strong shoulders. :-)

My best friends, my childhood friends, Debby and Brenda, were also my constant living angels. We are the same age and they knew my parents as well as anyone else on earth. We moved to Paden City when I was 3 years old and lived right next to each other while we were growing up. We shared so many memories of our parents! It was very healing. Debby and Brenda gave me a beautiful angel, with these words inscribed:

Perhaps they are not Stars,

but rather openings

where our Loved ones shine down

to let us know they are Happy.

Ric wrote this beautiful tribute to my mother... and to my father, Charles "Bud" and Marion King. It describes so very well their love for each other and how precious the "little things" are that make up our days.

Marion was a lover,

She loved her children,
She loved her grandchildren,
She loved her home,
She loved her friends,

But more,
What I learned from Marion,
was her profound love for her Bud.

Bud, who was truly her best "bud"...
Was her reason, her purpose,
her partner in flea market picking!

It was always obvious that she took full responsibility for his healing and healthcare.
It was her natural place to bring his food to him...
To listen to his barks or barbs, and hear only the love that echoed around them.
She knew her Bud, and
Bud knew his Marion,

They had their chairs...
The chairs that staged the talks, phone calls, TV chatter,
and many serious matters of family and friends.

Yes, Marion had her Bud.
And Bud had "the most beautiful girl in the world"... As he often said.

She would walk out of the room and so many times he would look me square on and say, "There's a good woman"... or, "I just love that woman."
Often enough I'd notice his eyes welling with tears.
Bud had his Marion.

Marion lived for her love of the most important person in her life.
The one who knew her intimately,
Emotionally,
Who cried with her,
Laughed with her,
Ate with her,
And sat across from her every day of their modest and humble lives together.

I recall her telling me how happy she was on the day she was able to have saved enough money to pay off their home.
Ah, but not so much for holding the deed, as she was so happy to hand it to her Bud and offer some ease to their finances.
Bud had his Marion.

Bud could talk religion, politics, astronomy, history, and a hundred other subjects of which Marion had little, or no interest. But...
Not long ago I sat in Bud's chair and was rambling on about some social issue, or political ideas... Marion was looking at me with a glazed-over look that I took as my cue to stop. I did, and she quickly told me that she loved listening to me... It reminded her of Bud.

So for me,
to know Marion, was to know her relationship with her best bud, Bud.
The old phrase "joined at the hip" was quoted for just such a couple as Bud and Marion,
for one without the other was incomplete...
Deficient...
and especially Lonesome.

It is right that souls join to travel this life. It is fitting that they should continue in life beyond this world.

Look over your left shoulder........
Did you see them there?
Holding hands, smiling, glowing with the love they have always known,
and yet even brighter as they now walk among the Divine.

They are here.
They are happy,
They are more alive than ever,
And they are now complete.

Marion is with her best Bud,
And Bud's with the prettiest girl in the whole universe!

CELEBRATE!

2/3/12 - Cancer, Quit Messing With My Plans!

2012-02-05T12:41:00.001-05:00

It's beginning to seem like every time I'm feeling good and think I'm home-free until next chemo treatment, one more setback occurs. Last night at bedtime, I noticed my left arm was swollen. I've been cautious for 6 years to prevent lymphedema... avoiding lifting heavy things with this arm, avoiding repetitive motion, carrying Neosporin with me at all times in case of a cut or sting, and most importantly always informing medical personnel not to give injections to, draw blood from, or take blood pressure from my left arm. However, during the surgeries in December, it was necessary to use my left hand for the IV's... there was really no choice. Now I have a port that can be used for IV's, drawing blood, etc. The night I was taken to the hospital, the paramedics needed to start an IV. They were not familiar with using a port, so I gave them permission to use my left hand, since I had had no problems with the sticks in December. Now, here I am with a fairly significantly swollen left arm. I called the doctor first thing this morning, but he was not able to get back to me until late today. His nurse informed me that it might not be lymphedema, but a tiny blood clot from the port having been used in the hospital. I was told this was not as serious as a blood clot in the leg, and that it is a fairly common occurrence when ports are used. I would need an ultra sound to determine if there was a clot, and if so, the problem could be easily resolved. The bad news? Because of the lateness of the day, I would have to go to the ER in order to get the ultra sound.

Got to admit, this was a disturbing way to wrap up my Friday. I was looking forward to a weekend of feeling good, resting, enjoying some normal activities, and being as healthy as possible before my chemo treatment on Thursday. But no! One more thing to deal with! I was more consumed with the thought of the hours in the ER waiting room (which in my experience can be very much like a visit to hell) than what was going on with my arm. I was still at work trying to finish up recording some commercials. When that was done, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I'm so tired of my crying spells... I make myself sick sometimes. I'm better than this... I hate being a cry baby! And yet, I'm beginning to see that I have to cry to move on. It only took walking into the ER for my crying to turn to disgust. Why oh why oh why oh why do so many people have to come to the ER with their entire family?!?! I realize that sometimes it is unavoidable. But when there are 3 adults and 5 children in the waiting room from one family, I gotta ask, "Couldn't one of those adults have stayed home with the kids?" They were blowing up exam gloves and chasing them all over the room, screaming, and bumping into people. I don't think I have ever been to an ER, where there wasn't at least one family reunion going on in the waiting room. Isn't there an app for that? Or at least a special room. For them... or for the rest of us?

The good thing was, I didn't have to wait long to be seen, although there were numerous trips back and forth from the waiting room to get blood pressure checks and other tests, including the ultra sound which ruled out any blood clots. During the various exams, I discovered that my legs, ankles and feet were also swollen! I was aware of some discomfort in my legs throughout the day, but didn't even realize they were swollen until they went to take my blood pressure (which now has to be done from my ankle). So, I was discharged with a diagnosis of lymphedema in my arm, for which I will have to have special physical therapy to allow the lymphatic fluids to drain. I was told the swelling in my legs was likely due to excess fluids from the IV's given during my recent hospital stay, and this would gradually resolve itself.

All moved pretty well throughout the ER visit, and I was finally told that I would be discharged as soon as the paperwork was ready. Here the process bogged down. It was nearly an hour before one sheet of paper was brought to me to sign to be able to leave the hospital. I had lost it emotionally again, crying, angry. I had was giving them until 8:30 pm to get the paperwork to me, or I was going to simply walk out the door. Enough is enough, and I had had ENOUGH! At 8:25, I was "properly" discharged.

As I pulled out of the hospital complex, an ambulance on the other side of the road, with sirens going and lights flashing, was moving quickly toward the hospital. At that instant, I had the sense that the lives of an entire family could be changing! Someone could be dying, and agonizing heartbreak would engulf a loving family. A tragedy could be occurring for these people, and I was simply swollen and pissed off. I thanked God for the sign that I really didn't have it so bad. Then, I realized my selfishness in thinking God was giving me a sign, and prayed for the person in the ambulance, the medical staff, and the family. I instantly heard God's voice say, "It's okay, Jeanne, I'm taking care of them. This IS also a sign for you. I'm loving all of you."

My lesson is to remember that no matter what happens to me, I must always try to put things in perspective. In the midst of each "setback" I sometimes feel ready to give up, and think I can't possibly keep going. And when I've come through each episode, I look back and see... it wasn't so bad. Like Kelly Clarkson says in her latest hit song, "What doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!" Well, I'm starting to feel a little more like Phil Pfister every day! Anyone need a car lifted or a piano moved?

2/2/12 - No More Bad Hair Days

2012-02-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday morning before I left the hospital, I combed my hair, only to find out it was coming out in chunks! I both combed and ran my fingers thru my hair and filled up a large trash container. My hair was pretty thick! When nothing else was coming out, I knew I would take the scissors to the rest of it when I got home. This was so different from last time. My hair came out very gradually. This time it happened in virtually one day! I probably still had 90% of my hair the night before. After the morning combing and lifting away, I probably had only 10% left before the final snips.

I looked like a chemo patient. (Duh!) When Ric came to get me from the hospital, he told me to get in the car quickly and duck so that no one would see me!

Got home, sat down on the bathroom floor in front of the mirror with the little trash container. I sat because I knew this was going to take a while. Snip, snip, snip... a few more snips... and the job was finished in a couple minutes. Well, almost.

Ric was outside with Bodhi, so I decided to have a little fun. I left one long strip on the side to give me a kind of rocker look. Ric loved it! Handed me his tie-dye t-shirt, told me to put on some big earrings, and we had a little photo op:

Ric called me Jammin' Jeanne K!

2/2/12 - Discovering Neutropenia

2012-02-02T20:17:00.000-05:00

After a couple days of being sick, I awoke Saturday to feeling terrific. Finally... I am perfectly well, and am home-free until next chemo treatment! I enjoyed catching up on household chores (yes, really... I like it when things are clean and orderly). Bodhi and I went for a couple long walks, soaking up the sunshine. I went to bed at around 10pm, grateful for the good day and ready for another one the next!

However, I soon found myself waking, curled up in a fetal position, shivering almost violently, teeth chattering, jaws locked. At some point, I got up to turn up the heat in the house. With each step my legs locked at the knees. It was a struggle to get to the thermostat. I noticed it was near midnight. I went back to bed, but the shivering continued and the back of my neck started to hurt along with everything else. Ric woke to my groaning and quickly called my oncologist. I have little memory of the discussion. I know I was becoming more and more frightened and told Ric to call 911. I remember being carried to the ambulance. I recall being at the ER at CAMC and hearing them say my temperature was 103.9. I was freezing!. How could I possibly have a fever? The rest of the night and most of Sunday are pretty much a blank. I remember barely waking up a few times, always feeling secure to hear Ric's voice, whether he was talking to me or to someone on the medical staff. I believe it was late Sunday evening before I was fully "conscious." Ric had been there the entire time.

Diagnosis: Severe Dehydration and Neutropenia - an abnormally low number of white blood cells. A normal WBC count is between 4.8 - 10.8. I was admitted to the hospital with a .6 count. From Saturday night to Tuesday at noon, I received lots of IV fluids and antibiotics, plus two injections of the drug Neupogen, to help raise the white blood cell count.

Whenever I've heard someone had to be packed in ice to bring down a fever, I always pictured someone sitting in a big tub of ice.... yikes!!!! Well, I found out how it's really done - ice packs are wrapped in towels and placed in what I assume are "strategic positions" all around one's body. Not the least bit uncomfortable!

I felt pretty good as soon as the fever was gone, but had to stay in the hospital until the WBC count was near the normal range. The Neupogen apparently worked well... on Monday the count was up to 1.8 and by Tuesday up to 9.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU to the 5 South nurses at CAMC Memorial! Each and everyone of them was kind, thoughtful, and professional. I felt safe and secure in their care! They eagerly answered all my questions. On Monday and Tuesday, I was walking the halls with my IV pole (in order to keep the blood circulating to prevent clots) and if the nurses weren't in a patient's room, they were standing at their portable computers inputting information. Hardworking seems not a big enough word. The "paperwork/computer work" they had to do surprised me. Although, none of them rushed a conversation with me, I could tell that each of them would have preferred to spend more one on one time with their patients. Their caregiver personalities were obviously what led them to choose this career. I know from friends who are nurses, that this inability to give more hands on care to patients is one of the heartaches of the nursing profession. Although no one complained of this to me, I could sense it and see this predicament in action. So, THANK YOU, 5 South Nurses... for providing amazing care and healing to the people who fill the rooms on your floor. I left there loving you.

1/28/12 - In the Garden

2012-01-28T10:57:00.001-05:00

I awoke Thursday morning feeling okay, not great, but better than the day before. Bodhi and I went on our morning walk. My fav cinnamon toast did not sound appealing to me, so for breakfast I had a small bowl of raspberries and blueberries... "superfoods!" Just before Ric and I went out the door, I felt a slight twinge of nausea, so I grabbed the bottle of Phenergan and tossed it in my purse... just in case. I arrived at work an hour and a half before air time, ready for the day. As I sat at my desk, the twinge came back. Could this be nausea? A week after chemo? Surely not. One more, a little stronger... so I took the pill. Walking down the stairs to the studio pretty much did me in. Steve asked if I was okay, and I told him I would be. I saw a piece of pink paper and it made me sick. I took a pen out of the drawer... it was green and made me sicker. The colors on the calendar were nauseating. I became sicker and sicker. I can't remember exactly what happened next. I think Steve came back in the studio. I asked him to find Ric. Seems like there were a lot of people around. Ric was on the phone with the doctor. Our friend Johnny took me home. And so it began... more than 24 hours of dynamic nausea.

Writhing in bed. Groaning, sobbing. Looking back I can imagine physical infirmities that would be far worse, but at the time, for me, it was agony. At some point I recall moaning, "I can't do this. I can't do this." I don't know how long I said it, but I heard a sweet voice say to me, "Jeanne, say 'I CAN do this.'" So I did. I repeated it over and over. And calmed down. And I remembered that this too shall pass... this is temporary. Instructions from Karen, my oncology nurse, were to alternate Phenergan and Zofran every four hours. As it became clear that every four hours wasn't going to cut it, I began alternating every three hours.

Yesterday morning, Friday, I woke feeling better, but exhausted. The nausea now only came when I sat up. So kept up my Ph/Z regimen. I was disappointed not to be able to take Ric to his chemo treatment. I had planned to help him get settled in and then go to work. However, I was still a little sick and had no strength to drive. Thanks to our buddy, Matt, for getting him there! Shortly after Ric left, I was in for another surprise. I ran to the bathroom with extreme nausea and in utter pain. As I started to gag, my arms and hands felt like electric shocks were going through them! I tried to shake my arms, hold them in the air, put them down... worse, worse, worse. I needed to call 911. My phone was in the bedroom. I couldn't leave the bathroom. Finally, the nausea was over. I let myself fall down onto the floor... my arms, hands and fingers still raging with shock. I couldn't go anywhere. The only thing to do was to try to breathe slowly and relax. Eventually, everything subsided. I went back to bed. I slept.

Sometime in the afternoon, I awoke, felt good, and posted so on Facebook. I was even hungry for the first time! I ate a piece of toast, then felt slightly nauseous, just slightly. Took a pill for it. By evening, I felt I had made it through the fire! Whew! That was a tough one. Ric and I ate dinner, watched some TV... both of us (the chemo couple) feeling good.

Little did I know I still had one more side effect to deal with: sleeplessness! Not surprising considering how much I had slept during the past two days. I finished Ellen Degeneres' new book, "Seriously... I'm Kidding," studied Spanish verbs and grammar, posted on Facebook, emailed my daughter, started a new book by Elizabeth Berg, and when I could no longer concentrate on reading, played Bejeweled on my iPhone! I watched the clock change from 1:30 to 3:00 to 4:31! Even though I felt wide awake, I decided to lay down and see if sleep would come. As I waited for sleep, I pondered turning on the computer and updating the blog. But instead I woke up screaming! You've got to be kidding me!!! A nightmare? I dreamed that... no, it's too awful... don't even want it in writing. Back to sleep. Screamed myself awake again. Changed position in bed. Two more. Frightening, terrifying nightmares. I lay there wondering when I would get a break... when I would have normalcy in my life again. I felt so alone. I prayed each time for a comfortable sleep. Yet I had one nightmare after another. I was angry, sad, and definitely not being brave. The clock said 5:19. I got out of bed, turned on the lights, walked around the house, and came back to bed exhausted. This time I stayed asleep, but woke up very well aware that it had been a nightmarish hour and a half.

I went into the bathroom and took out my pony tail holder, and along with it came a handful of hair. I've been well ready to lose my hair, and even have fun with wigs, but did it have to be this morning? Did I really have to be kicked while I was down? Really? Brushed my hair, and threw a couple more handfuls in the trash.

Bodhi needed out, and I was ready to get out of the house. Off we went! I made it up the hill with no problem at all... the fresh air felt terrific... and Bodhi seemed happy to have me walking with him again.

So... Jeanne. What now? You finished feeling sorry for yourself? Remember how you're always telling people that there's something to be grateful for in every day? Eat your words, my dear! Five things... write 'em down!

My Gratitude List:

The nausea is over.
I was able to walk Bodhi this morning.
My best friend since we were 3, Debby (who recently finished her own treatments for cancer), wrote to me last night telling me to remember that whether it's a good day or bad one "every day you wake up is a day closer to being healthy again."
My Spanish is better today than it was yesterday.
I had a visitor during the night...

♫ ♪ I come to the garden alone...

while the dew is still on the roses...

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear...

the Son of God discloses... ♪ ♫

"In the Garden"? Why was this old hymn running through my head? I haven't heard it in years.

♫ ♪ He speaks and the sound of his voice...

is so sweet the birds hush their singing... ♪ ♫

"In the Garden"... my grandma's favorite hymn. My grandma who died of breast cancer many years ago.

♫ ♪ And the melody that he gave to me,

within my heart is ringing... ♪ ♫

Mamaw? Are you here?! Are you here, Mamaw? You are! It was your sweet voice that told me I could do this. You've had me snuggled up to your chest this whole time.

♫ ♪ And he walks with me, and he talks with me,

and he tells me I am his own...

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

none other has ever known. ♪ ♫

Ahhhh... I was right back in the heart of my grandmother's home... the kitchen. She was cutting out cookies and so was I, with my own tiny little set of cookie cutters. Next, she'd make biscuits for dinner, and everybody would be there. But for now, it was just me and Mamaw, in her big warm cozy kitchen. I felt safe and secure by her side. We giggled as she slipped me a piece of cookie dough to eat.

Did I start missing my grandma? No. No, not at all. Because in those moments we were together. You can't miss someone who's right there. I realized then that memories are as real as physically touching someone. I was in her kitchen. I was in her vegetable garden. We were on the back porch stringing beans. I was helping her plant flowers. It was as if I were 6 years old again in Keyser, West Virginia, on vacation at my grandma's house. No, it wasn't as if... it was real. Mamaw and I were together last night.

♫ ♪ And she walks with me, and she talks with me,

and she tells me I am her own...

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

none other has ever known. ♪ ♫

1/25/12 - A Difficult Day

2012-01-25T21:45:00.000-05:00

Really, really tough start to this day. My face is numb, yet hurts... my mouth is burning. Extremely restless sleep last night, with disturbing dreams. My body aches all over, especially my upper back and neck. There is no comfortable position in which to sleep. I did not expect this set-back. I seriously debated about whether to go to work today. I decided to push through. This is only my first chemo treatment! It's likely going to be more difficult with each upcoming treatment. I can't give in now! I'm aware it's a fine line between pushing through and pushing too far... I'm trying to make the best decision.

I'm at work now, and thought I was starting to feel better, but now I'm fading again. Jeff told me that I'm free to leave early today, and I may end up doing that. But for now, I'm going to keep pushing... and see what happens.

...

As the day progresses, I continue to feel worse. Headache has set in, and I am so tired, it's hard to keep my head up and my eyes open. I'm making mistakes on the air... it's difficult to form my words, because my face feels so numb. I will leave work an hour early today... go home and go to bed. Hope for better tomorrow.

...

Left work in tears because I felt so bad, and was so discouraged and disappointed. Came home and went to bed. Slept for 3-1/2 hours. I woke up feeling like I had rested, but could not move. As I lay awake, the burning/numbness/aching started to overcome me again. It's been almost two weeks since chemo... I should feel better than this... no, almost one week... I don't know... I can't remember how long it's been. Do I have chemo next week?! How will I do it? No, two weeks away. Fear overcame me. What if I can't do it this time? I'm scared. I'm crying. Crying. I'm scared! Ric comes running in the bedroom. He comforts me. I start to be aware again of where I am. I sit up and Ric helps me to calm down. He asks me how I feel and I try to describe these strange physical feelings. I can't find the words. He asks me if I've taken any pain medication. No. No, this isn't the kind of pain to take medication for. Ric tells me that pain is pain... the doctor prescribed it for me for good reasons. I thought I was supposed to wait for the bone pain that I had last time... I hadn't thought I could or should use pain meds for what I've been experiencing today. With family members who have long been dealing with addiction, I have a tremendous fear of over-using medication. My doctor and I had a long talk about use of pain medications and he assured me that I will not become addicted. I worry that the use of the medication will affect my ability to think and talk. Now I look back at my day and realize that was happening without the use of medication. Ric and my doctor are right... I need the medication, and it will work to my benefit to take it. I also knew I needed to get out of the bed and MOVE. Sitting there was keeping me too much into myself. I learned last time how important it was to move, and now I need to just do it! Took the medication, went downstairs with Ric, ate a little bit, watched some TV and felt better. Not terrific, but a little better.

The lesson for today is not profound, but one I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as I manage the effects of chemotherapy:

Don't be afraid of the medicines to control side effects. Trust those who are taking care of me. Use what I need. When I no long need it, I will not want it. I am a vibrant, healthy woman, who has a temporary change of pace. Nothing can change who I am.

1/24/12 - Sometimes You Just Gotta Shake Your Head and Laugh

2012-01-24T18:44:00.000-05:00

After feeling so well on Sunday, I thought I would be totally back to "normal" by today.... and I AM indeed feeling good. What's happening is as some side effects of the chemo subside, new ones are coming on. There are some things I can no longer taste, like butter. No problem - I don't need that anyway! But bananas? I love bananas. Had one for lunch today, along with an orange, and could hardly taste either.

It hurt to comb my hair this morning! My scalp is very sensitive and a bit sore. I'm guessing by next week, my hair is going to start to fall out. I'm not going to try to hang on to it as long this time around. When it starts to come out, I'll just cut it off and let Ric shave my head. Unless he does it sometime while I'm asleep. I don't know if it's that he enjoys the actual shaving of my head, or if he's simply eager for me to start wearing the red wig I got yesterday.

Nice weather again today, so I took Bodhi for a long walk. We live at the bottom of a hill, so the first part of our trek is always uphill. I've been walking him since we got him in May, and the hill was no longer a task for me... until now. By the time I reach the top, I'm a little out of breath and my legs are tired. I guess the chemo has caused some muscle fatigue. I'm going to keep on doing it though. Going to be as good to my body as I can.

Yesterday morning, I had the stitches taken out from the port surgery. Glad to have that done. As far as the surgeries go, I am now pain-free! I've regained full mobility of my right arm. I continue to do stretches on this arm every day though, because it tightens right back up if I don't. I'm very grateful for such good and quick healing in this regard.

And... I'm very glad to have finished taking the steroids... took last dose at 10:30 last night! I slept very restless night before last, and last night I slept for only a couple hours. So tonight, I'm hoping for a good, restful sleep. Ahhhhhh.

Coming up at the end of this week, Ric and I have another challenge. Ric has been receiving various treatments for Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis for a couple years now, yet the disease continues to progress. As a kind of last resort, Ric will begin chemotherapy on Friday! He will have one treatment every 3 months. Ric will have just one chemotherapy drug, so we're hoping the side effects won't be as extreme as mine. We'll see. One night not long ago, we sat on the edge of the bed, trying to decide how to schedule our chemo treatments so that we could take care of each other. We joked around saying things like, "Did you think we'd be having this conversation when we met 11 years ago?" Ric knew he was going to have to have these chemo treatments before I found out I had breast cancer again, and he's been putting off getting his treatment started. But he continues to lose the use of his legs, and left arm... we can't put this off. By the time he has his second treatment 3 months from now, I will be finished with chemo. We're thinking of writing a book called "Who Gets the Toilet and Who Gets the Bucket? One Couple's Journey Through Chemo."

Today's lesson:

Above all, keep a sense of humor!

1/22/12 - I'm Baaaaaaack!

2012-01-22T19:57:00.001-05:00

Wow! Woke up this morning feeling like a new woman! Bodhi and I took a long walk together! I came home and had a cup of coffee, cinnamon toast, read the Sunday paper... just like normal. I've needed to do some shopping for several days now, and so I took off to Pet Smart and Target! It was like being in Disney Land! A whole new world! What used to be a routine chore, was now a delight! I did not realize until this morning, what a fog I've been in for the past month. And sunshine today to boot!

After I walked around for a while, I could feel the quivering inside again, but I felt great in spite of it. I'm pretty sure this is a side-effect of the steroid I'm taking. Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day. (I don't know why anyone would want to take steroids for any reason other than what is necessary for a health situation. It makes me red and obviously jittery and uneasy.) I continue to have the numbness too, but it's not getting any worse. Also my gums are a little sore, as well as my throat. I'm not getting a cold, this is one of the side-effects of the chemo drugs. No complaints here... just jotting this down so that others recovering from a chemo treatment will be aware these are things to expect. I'm not paying much attention to these minor things... I'm just happy to feel energetic and alive again!

What has helped me to reach this point of exhilaration and getting back to feeling like Jeanne?

First... all the prayers, support, and loving energy sent my way... from family, friends, strangers... even from Mexico! Muchas gracias por las oraciones, mi familia y mis amigos mexicanos! Prayers and good thoughts really do make a difference. I often felt like I was experiencing one gigantic hug!

Our friends from Unity Church have brought meals to Ric and I each evening since Thursday. It was really hard for me to accept the food, but my friends made it clear that they wanted to do this for us. What a tremendous help. I didn't have to think about what we would eat, nor did I have to cook. Nutritious and delicious meals were brought to us ready to go. Thanks to Peggy for organizing everything! (BTW, she used a wonderful website recommended by my friend, Judy, to organize the meals... Ric and I could even peek and see what we were going to have for dinner. :-) It's called Take Them A Meal. A great tool if you want to use it for people you know who could benefit from it as well.

My employers and co-workers at West Virginia Radio/V100 have made work absolutely stress-free for me. They ask nothing more of me than what I've been able to deliver. It's been clearly stated to me that my health comes first. They cover for me with glad hearts!

So... all of this has enabled me to have plenty of time to rest, sleep and take good care of myself these past four days. Not having to worry about meals, giving in to sleep whenever I needed it, not worrying about missing work... has allowed me the healing time I need. I'm tremendously grateful.

I can't emphasize enough how much the meals have helped us. If you know of someone trying to heal from any kind of surgery, if you do nothing else, feed them! With breast cancer, in particular, I was fortunate enough to have a lumpectomy. If you know of someone who had to have a mastectomy or double mastectomy, they're going to need a LOT more help. And... I don't know how women with young children manage to get the rest they need. Children require a lot of care... so if you can take the kids overnight, help get them ready for school, etc., don't hesitate to do it. And they'll require food too!!!

I've been blessed. Today's lesson:

Accept help when you need it...

let people have a chance to do a good thing.

Give help when you see a need... it heals.

1/21/12 - Thanks Bodhi!

2012-01-22T13:23:00.001-05:00

When I came home from work today, Bodhi was ready to go out for our afternoon walk. I was spent. I let him outside on the chain in the front yard, which I seldom do. When I let him back in, he followed me to the bedroom, waiting for me to change into sweats and jogging shoes. Can a dog look disappointed when he sees you put on pj's instead? He looked at me and barked, and whined. Why doesn't he sense that I'm not able to do this right now?

Later...

Tonight, I looked at Bodhi curled up on his blanket on the corner of the sofa, and I suddenly felt like going for a walk with him! I asked him if he wanted to walk, and he jumped off the couch with excitement! I changed clothes and off we went! Although I love walking with him in the sunshine, I relish our nighttime walks too... so peaceful... just Bodhi and I walking along, me laughing at our long legs in the shadows of the street lights. It felt good to breathe the cold air and fill my lungs with the outdoors.

One of the things I really want to do differently during the chemo treatments this time around is to EXERCISE. Last time, I stopped exercising, gained too much weight, and I'm sure I would have felt better if I would have maintained an exercise routine. A friend of mine, Sharon, had her own bout with breast cancer soon after my first time... she is a runner, and kept right on running throughout her treatments. She made me realize it was possible to do this. (Thanks, Sharon!) I have been walking in the mornings, but until tonight, had dropped off the other two walks Bodhi and I took in the afternoon and evening. I realize I'm not going to be able to do 3 walks everyday right after a chemo treatment. But I did realize I can continue to exercise often and daily! I have to be in tune with my body's needs and be sensible about when to rest and when to move. I can do that. And I believe this little doggie of mine will sense when to push me out the door! So I've learned...

Find a positive thing to do... and do more of it!

1/21/12 - Charting My Progress

2012-01-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

10:00 am
Moving along, charting my progress. Hope this helps those who need it.

Sleep was a little restless last night, as one medication with the side effect of drowsiness fought with another that causes insomnia! I think I took Bodhi for a short walk yesterday morning... everything seems a bit foggy right now, as I slept so much yesterday. I had a nice slow walk with Bodhi this morning... was glad he sensed that I could not walk at our usual fast pace. I felt good after the walk, but then realized it was nearly time to go to work. The V100 team alternates working the Saturday shift. Jenny offered to work for me today (bless her kind heart), but I thought it would be good for me to work today, and ease back into my regular workday on Monday. Saturdays are quiet air-shifts, with no contests, so a pretty easy workday. So far, so good, but for anybody else, including me!, this would be a sick day. I feel jittery inside. I feel a disconnect with what I'm doing - everything I normally do automatically here in the studio, I now have to stop and think about. I feel kinda like I'm moving in slow motion as well. Also, I'm all red! I do not have a fever. I now recall that I looked this way for a while after chemo that I had 6 years ago. It's either from the chemo itself, or the med I'm taking to prevent allergic reactions. I only have to take it for a few more days. I had a piece of cinnamon toast for breakfast this morning, and am happy that there is no nausea. I have not even felt the need to take the anti-nausea medicine this morning... a good sign that I'm heading toward feeling better each day!

12:30 pm
My lips feel numb. Mmmmmm... I usually only get this feeling if I've had an alcoholic beverage. :-) But only 1/2 cup of coffee this morning, and lots of water!

1:00 pm
Feel a whole new wave of side effects coming over me now. My hands and legs are feeling a bit numb right now. Neuropathy is a side-effect of the Taxotere... guess that's what's coming on. A little scary.

2:45 pm
I think sleep is calling me again. Good to be at work today... but looking forward to crawling back in my warm bed for a while. Eager to watch DVR's of past week's American Idol episodes... hope I can do that with Ric this evening!

6:00 pm
Came home and tried to nap, but didn't sleep... the rest was good though! Ric and I enjoyed some yummy soup and cornbread from our friend, Peggy. The numbness in my body is starting to ease up a bit, but still there, along with the jittery feeling inside. I'm not red anymore. Actually feel pretty good this evening. Settling in to watch my recordings of American Idol.

All in all, this first round of chemo was much, much easier that last time! I'm used to feeling energetic and alert, and now I'm sluggish and my thinking process seems slowed. I need to remember that I'm still within a few days of the chemo treatment and to give myself some time to feel "normal" again. I now recall a comment on one of my blog entries... this is what I need to do:

"Smile, breathe, and go slowly."

~Thich Nhat Hanh

1/20/12 - Post from Ric

2012-01-21T11:59:00.000-05:00

To Jeanne from Ric:

You make it sound like a mini vacation! Ha! You definitely have a wonderful perspective on all this! It inspires me to watch you shape your days, your way!

I know you "get it" because we walked down this road a little over six years ago, and even when we faced so many unknowns, you decided you were the victor, before the treatment protocols began!

You taught me something extremely important 6 years ago, and the lesson continues today. You decided very early that you needed to be public with your experience... The good, the bad, and the hilarious!
I recall, like it was yesterday, sitting in Mike Buxser's office. You, me, Mike and Rick Johnson. Mike expressed his concerns for you going public before you knew the extent of your condition. He likewise backed you 100% in whatever you decided. I was quietly hoping he'd talk you out of it...but he stepped right on your train and committed any resources to help you through that round. I thought, WOW! What's wrong with me?? I was more frightened of the proceedings than you!
I feared allowing too many folks to be open to this very sensitive and delicate life change.
You saw it differently, Mike trusted your judgement, and I found my place on the caboose!
Okay, I'm going to say it. Read this carefully...
YOU WERE RIGHT...I WAS WRONG.... Mike was wise.

It's back... We are on it. We know the routine. And I couldn't be more encouraged that the support of loving friends is just incredible and perhaps the most important ingredient in the healing remedy.
Now, I know you NEVER went into this with the idea of grabbing the public for support. No, you had one thought in mind: using the radio forum to help anyone who would listen. You wanted to lessen the blow to anyone who found themselves with a similar diagnosis. You were quite clear that radio was NOT your career choice. In fact, you are the same straight-A student who threw her books to the floor, and marched out of a classroom because you refused to give a speech!

Now, here you are in radio...
With cancer...
Talking to women every day in over 17 counties of West Virginia...
A voice with a message.
On the air,
In your blog,
In community speeches,
(And at home).
You are ministering, and being ministered to.
You are defining Grace, as you open yourself to receive it.
You are defeating cancer, by embracing it, then inviting it to leave you alone.
And you are exemplifying life, not by chasing after remedies, but by recognizing the blessings of life in every... EVERY aspect of living it.

You are a blessing to our little corner of the world... Our little family of West Virginians... And to your partner and good buddy, Ricky.

I've often passed along a favorite quote of mine, long before I realized you would be my best living example of it's proclamation:
"Don't tell God how big your mountain is... Tell your mountain how big your GOD is.
You are quite amazing Jeanne K. Your husband is a lucky guy.

1/20/12 - Day After Chemo

2012-01-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

Slept extremely well last night! No vomiting. No pain. I'm thrilled. However, as I got up and started moving around, I felt this trembling inside, and started to have slight waves of nausea. Then one big wave of nausea... so to head it off, I took a pill to stop that! I'm always so hesitant about taking medications, thinking I need to hold out as long as I can. Dr. Cohen taught me last time to stay ahead of the pain (and now nausea) by taking the meds I've been prescribed at the first sign of a problem, indicating to me that I will not get addicted, because my body actually needs these medications. So I'm following doctors orders... and it's working. I'm so very fatigued. I'm going to lay my head on a pillow now.

1/19/12 - First Chemo Day - Part II

2012-01-20T10:22:00.002-05:00

Signs
As I was packing my chemo bag to take to the cancer center this morning, I accidentally knocked over a picture of my parents. My dad passed away three years ago, and one year ago, my mom went into a nursing home because of Alzheimers. My dad always teased me about being clutzy and clumsly, so I knew his way of getting my attention this morning was to catch me in the act! I picked up the photo, and there was Daddy looking right at me, telling me he would be with me during this day!

Upon arriving at the David Lee Cancer Center, I was greeted by the warm, friendly smile of a beautiful lady. I asked her name. Bertha. Bertha! That was the name of my beloved grandmother! Mamaw died of breast cancer. I miss her. But I was so delighted to meet this "new" Bertha, and know that this sweet and lovely lady would be greeting me each time I come here. My friend, Jamie, posted on Facebook that she believed this was a sign that my grandmother was right by my side through these treatments. I agree. I thought either it was a sign that Mamaw was there too... or an angel my grandmother sent for me!

God is good. Always.

TREATMENT

I'm sitting here hooked up to chemo and wrapped up in a prayer quilt from a group of ladies at St. Mark's UM Church and a prayer shawl made for me from a group of ladies at Mount Juliet UM Church! And when we get home later this afternoon, there will be a nice meal in our kitchen from our friends at Unity church. I am warmed in more ways that one!

I have so far received 3 or 4 anti-nausea medicices thru my port and into my system. Chemo #1 is pouring in now. Chemo #2 is up next. I feel great! The folks here at DLCC treat everyone so wonderfully. At first, I was not in a cancer center, but in a first class hotel. But then it got even better! Ric and I were brought snacks and drinks by both staff and volunteers, checked see if we needed anything, including blankets and pillows. Best of all they answered all my questions thoroughly, quickly and without judgment. We are so blessed to have such great care all around us.

Home from chemo now... it's almost 8:00 pm and I still feel really good! Those anti-nausea meds delivered with the chemo must be helping! My eyes feel a little heavy and I sometimes feel like I'm moving in slow motion, but I feel fine!

Gotta go drink water right now... lots and lots and lots and lots of water! I have to get all these medicines through my kidneys as soon as possible. So maybe I won't get so much sleep tonight. It's all ooooooookya. I'm healing!

Ending the evening with one fun thing... they gave me a bag full of a bunch of stuff donated by local business and individuals today! My goodie bag was filled with things like breast cancer awareness bracelets, food guide for reference while going thru chemotherapy, a journal, pen, a terry cloth cap to wear at night after I am bald... thankful for that one - I had to wear one the last time because my head was so cold even in the summer. Also got these pads to fit over the car seat belt to cushion the area where the port is, some food samples and more! I couldn't help but recall the first time I did a remote broadcast for an expo at the Civic Center. As my co-worker, Randy, and I walked around gathering up post-it notes, pens and other free items for our goodie bags, Randy saw how much fun I was having, and looked at me and said, "I've always called this Businessman's Trick-or-Treat." I laughed and laughed. So yesterday I had my own little Chemo Woman Trick-or-Treat, only I didn't have to walk around collecting things... Bertha kept bring them to me!

1/19/12 - First Chemo Day - Part I

2012-01-19T09:32:00.002-05:00

3:00 am.
Not asleep yet. I try. I'm relaxed, comfortable, my eyes are even closed. But I do not sleep. I am not worried about chemo tomorrow... 'er later today at this point. I'm thinking about things I need from Target and Kroger and Pet Smart when my paycheck gets deposited. I'm thinking about how much I love to walk with my dog, Bodhi. And about how long we've had our cats, and how Dot, especially, likes to take care of me. I think I started to drift off, but woke to the sound of Mokie delivering up a hairball. Dang, she was at the bottom of the bed too. Most landed on the floor. Cleaned up the mess. I went to get clean sheets and found I had not gotten around to washing the extra set, so gathered them up, and downstairs to the laundry room I went. Another thing I thought about when I was trying to sleep was that I forgot to make coffee for the morning, so I did that on my way thru the kitchen. Knocked over the pitcher of water and cleaned that up. Was pretty wide awake by this time, so I put away the dishes I had left to dry. And filled up the animals' water bowls.

So why can't I sleep? Steroids. I have to take them before a chemo treatment to prevent an allergic reaction. Crap! The washer is making that unbalanced sound. Guess I shouldn't have added those few towels. Better go back downstairs to rearrange. (Left the scene.) Im back! I remembered that this medicine caused sleeplessness, but thought it came later in the game, and after I'd taken all the doses. I've only taken 2 of 12!

It's almost 4:00 now. My eyes feel heavy, but my body feels charged up. I guess I'm finished writing. I think the washer stopped. Back down to flip stuff into the dryer. Burning calories in the middle of the night! I feel like being ornery... maybe I'll switch everything around in the kitchen cabinets on my way back thru! Gotta keep Ric on his toes.

8:00 a.m.
Apparently pushed snooze many times on my alarm clock, but Bodhi woke me up at 7:00. We went for our morning walk. Got back home to find everything still in their proper places in the cabinets. Don't know what happened to that idea. I'm glad I didn't change things around... I would have confused not only Ric, but myself! Must have drifted off to sleep sometime after 4:30. Feeling a little sluggish this morning, and a little down. I will likely sleep through a big part of the chemotherapy today. Okay, I'm not feeling down anymore... saying those words out loud... or writing them... always seems to help me feel better. I'm ready for this. It's a great day to be a Mountaineer Chemo Patient!

1/18/12 - Pregnant Pauses

2012-01-18T13:01:00.001-05:00


Prayer Quilt

My first chemotherapy treatment is tomorrow. It popped up on my Google calendar today.

I'm a little excited! I get to sit in a comfortable chair tomorrow for 5 hours and read, study Spanish, play games on my iPhone. If I need anything someone will bring it to me! Cool way to spend an afternoon, right? Then, why do I have these periodic pauses in my day, where my heart beats faster and I get a little lump in my throat? Perhaps it's the memory of the chemo nurses, covering themselves with headgear and masks and gloves and special outer protective clothing before they inject toxic chemicals into my bloodstream. Maybe it's knowing that despite feeling like I could jump high in the air and do a split right now, by tomorrow evening, I could be hanging my head over the toilet and keeping a bucket beside my bed. Or maybe, it's the memory of waking up Ric with my screams from the bone pain that comes from one of the chemo drugs.

Ah! I just remembered what someone told me five years ago... "Chemo is hard... but it's doable." Yes, she was right. I hung onto that phrase the last time. That, and "Temporary." Yes, this is doable and it's only temporary. I will survive the cancer... and the treatment!

Except for those infrequent pregnant pauses, I really do feel great right now. I'm out of pain, well-rested, strong and by golly... I'm emotionally stable! I quickly dismiss those moments of fear by reminding myself that not only will I be strong and healthy when the treatments are all over... I am strong and healthy NOW! Yes... underneath the sickness and pain will be the body of a tough and vibrant woman, clawing her way back to the top. It'll be fairly easy too, as I'll have this smooth sleek shiny aero-dynamic head with which to propel myself through the muck!


Prayer Shawl

Also adding to my (mostly) comfort level: I went to David Lee Cancer Center (hereafter DLCC) yesterday for pre-chemo lab work. It was the first time for my newly inserted port to be used. Ah, I love my port! Felt no stick... there's was no jabbing around to find a good vein... and I couldn't see the blood. It was well worth the little surgery to have the port, knowing there's a lot of sticking coming up in the next several months, not to mention the main reason to have a port - to protect the veins. Love my port... love my nurses, Linda and Karen, at DLCC. Already packed in my chemo bag for tomorrow, is a prayer quilt and a prayer shawl to keep me warm (in more ways than one). It's all going to be okay!

1/14/12 - The Proper Way to Sling Mud

2012-01-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

Today's entry has little to do with having breast cancer. I am glad to say that although I feel a little beat up physically... scars on the right... scars on the left... I have no pain, just some slight discomfort. Emotionally, I feel terrific! It's a normal day... as normal as it gets in the Cochran household. You see, Ric and I aren't always politically correct in the privacy of each others company. So today, I'll let you peek inside our living room and see what makes us say "Good Grief!!!"

I love my newspaper, but it drives me crazy to read the Reader's Voice or Ventline, unless... Ric has written his politically incorrect comments alongside the entries. Today, I'm up early and Ric is still slumbering, so I decided to venture in there on my own. There were two comments that stunned me.

"I have to admit I was on the fence about the whole mountain-top removal issue, but after finding out the Bible supports it, I support it too. Thank you to our surface miners and God bless you."

Well, now we can really be angry with ESPN's Brad Nesslor... for heaven's sake, even the Bible refers to West Virginia!

But here's the one that made me LOL louder than I will at any other point during this day:

"The really sad thing about the Republican primary is the mean, vicious and twisted distortions being leveled at other Republicans. Those type of attacks are supposed to be used only against President Obama and other Democrats."

Can someone please come and help me up off the floor?

1/12/12 - Chemotherapy Scheduled

2012-01-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

Slept pretty well last night with the help of pain medication, but when I sat up in bed this morning, I was in some intense pain, even into my shoulder. It hurt to breathe and to swallow. I was actually near tears it hurt so bad. I thought about posting on Facebook, "Please pray that I don't sneeze today." I had planned to go to work today, but wasn't able. Was that a problem for my employer, West Virginia Radio? NO! They are interested in my health and well-being first, and my V100 team is happy to cover for me. I'm surrounded by big hearts!

Received the call from David Lee Cancer Center this morning, and chemotherapy will start next Thursday, January 19. I'm ready!

My friends from church have offered to bring meals to us for several days after the chemo treatment. It's really hard for me to ask for or receive help, but I have to think of my Ricky too! He has to eat, so that made it easier for me to respond to Peggy's email and tell her chemo is about to start. Thank you, Ric, for being a Hungry Man! The meals will really be a major help, and Ric and I are deeply appreciative to those who will be bringing food to us. Another worry taken away.

I'll have chemo every 3 weeks, 4 treatments in all. Last time my treatments were more aggressive, every 2 weeks. So seems like I'll have a little more recovery time in between chemo sessions. Sounds good to me...Let's get this thing going!

Ric posted this picture and a request on Facebook for suggested colors for a wig, hinting that he likes red. So most of the "votes" were for red, which would be my last choice. I had a reddish wig last time that I hardly ever wore, because I just didn't think it looked good on me. I might consider a compromise of brunette with red highlights. Maybe. I'm leaning toward medium blonde (like my hair used to be and like my daughter's is now) or light brown (a shade or two lighter than my hair color now). Whatever I choose, I'll have fun with it. And no curly hair... it's my chance to have straight hair without spending an hour with a flat iron!

I'm a little afraid to go to sleep at nights now and think maybe I should hide all the scissors in the house. Ric is way too eager to shave my head! A woman really can't wait for all her hair to just fall out... it's way too messy, so at some point it will have to be cut and then shaved.

I think the last time my hair started to fall out after about two weeks. I'm starting out with different chemo drugs this time, so I'm not sure what to expect. Is there anyone out there who started with Cytoxan & Taxotere who remembers when the hair loss started? Just realized, soon it'll be Mokie, Dot, Bodhi and me who will be shedding... Ric will be the only one not losing any hair!

1/11/12 - Power Port

2012-01-12T19:05:00.000-05:00

Surgery to insert the port in my chest went well today. I'm glad to be able to make use of this cool little piece of technology. I had a port five years ago and it really made chemo a lot easier. This time I have the new Power Port! I push a little button and my husband does whatever I want him to do! Oh, I wish...

Seriously though, it enables my medical team to give medicines or fluids and/or take blood samples through the port. With this little gadget, there is no need to stick the veins in a person's arms or hands with a needle. The port makes having chemo and bloodwork more comfortable. Because the port places medicines into a large central vein, the medicines mix better in the blood. The medicines are also diluted so they are less harmful to the veins. A very good thing. This new Power Port also allows for power injections for use with medical imaging like CT scans and MRI's!

Some disagree though. This morning an irate woman came to the radio station just before Ric went on the air and told him I should have never had lymph nodes removed and that I should not have the port inserted! She had very strong opinions about it, saying she had just been to Cleveland Clinic for her treatments and we are doing it all wrong here. Well, lady... I've already had lymph nodes removed and cancer was found in four of them, and my surgery for the port to be inserted is scheduled for this afternoon. Ric told her that he and myself are fully aware of all the options for treatment and feel completely comfortable with all our decisions. I can't believe someone would barge into our workplace and start giving her opinion on what she believes I have done wrong and that what I'm about to do is wrong! Wish I could remember everything Ric told me he said to her, but he let her know she was out of line. Now, I have no problem with people sharing their own stories and offering suggestions... but this lady was rude... and was sure she knew it ALL!

She could be right... who knows. But at this point, based on information and statistics provided by my doctors and research Ric and I have done on our own, we have made decisions that we believe are right and are proceeding in that direction. I welcome words from anyone who truly wants to help me, but not from someone who's just looking for a soap box to stand on. Grrrrrr.

1/10/12 - Brunette or Blonde?

2012-01-10T10:54:00.002-05:00

After my weekend of tons of sleep (any more and I would have gone into hibernation), I have been feeling TERRIFIC... back to my old self again! Yesterday after work, I finally dug into the laundry that needed to be done, and several other household chores. I was actually enjoying doing "muh chores!" Also I received some good news at work that relieved a ton of stress. I am ready, Cancer, to show you the way out!

BTW, I'm not much of a fighter. Even when I've lost my temper, I always look back knowing I could have handled it better. So, I don't "fight" cancer. I'm not in a battle. I think there are better uses of my energy. Both times I've had cancer now, I've learned a lot from having a serious disease, and I've had experiences that wouldn't have happened and come to know people that I wouldn't have met otherwise. So, with a promise to myself to keep my eyes and mind open to new things, I tell my little guest that it has now overstayed it's welcome, and that it's time to leave. When I receive chemo, I will experience it as God's healing light moving through my body. My physicians, nurses and God will work together.

Marching forward now... I have another surgery tomorrow to insert the port for chemo delivery. I should read my own 2006 journal to make certain, but I'm pretty sure this will be an easy surgery. I'll be working tomorrow until 1:00 and then leave for the hospital for the surgery to implant the port at 2:00. And hopefully be back at work on Thursday.

When I heal for a week or two from that surgery, we'll begin chemo. Gotta go now and order a wig. Brunette or blonde or something in between? (Not red... I tried that last time and it just didn't work.) Whattya think?

1/8/12 - Don't Worry, Be Happy

2012-01-08T21:06:00.001-05:00

On Friday night, I slept for 14 hours! Woke up at 1:30 only because Ric sent a text to me from Pittsburgh, and I heard the ding on my iPhone. I did get up at 6:30 a.m. and took Bodhi for a short walk, but then crawled back into my comfy warm bed. Last night... 14 more hours of sleep (with a brief early morning walk with my dog) and a nice long walk with Bodhi this afternoon... I think I made good use of the weekend for some healing. Ric's poem (on my Friday blog post), a very helpful phone conversation with my daughter, Jill, (who teaches me more and more every day), yesterday's fun visit with my friend, Jennifer, and Aila Accad's advice on de-stressing... also "helped make me the woman I am TODAY." :-)

Here's Aila's advice on de-stressing:

A future focused mind worries... Stress is all about not feeling in control. Any future event is fertile ground for stress, since your mind can't come up with anything that can control the future. A worrying mind goes around and around the same thoughts with no solution. This builds a case for fear, anxiety & ultimately panic! Trying not to worry doesn't work.

What can you do? Here are two tips...

Put that future oriented mind to work in a positive direction by creating a Vision of the future you want rather than worrying about the one you fear.

Be Grateful. When you find yourself worrying make a decision to think about one thing you are grateful for in that moment.

See more at Aila's website: Creating a Vision Board

1/6/12 - Where Did I Go?

2012-01-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like myself anymore. I slept thru my alarm for over 30 minutes this morning, and even when I finally woke up to the sound of the radio, I still didn't realize I needed to get up and just pushed snooze, 4 or 5 more times. When I noticed it was daylight, I "came to." I'm aware I've been extremely tired, and thought it was because I had two surgeries in a week's time... but it's been 3 weeks since my last surgery! Anyway, got up and moved as fast as I could. Got to work, encountered a problem, and now I'm trying to stop crying and pull myself together. I thought I would breeze thru everything this time around. My cancer stage is even lower than last time. What's wrong with me? I don't even feel like me this morning. I really don't recognize myself. I'm even a little scared. What is going on? I have a half hour to pull myself together before going on the air. I always feel better then... yes... in a half hour, I'll probably be okay.

Phone rings... it's Ric calling from Pittsburgh, because of my poor-me text I sent to him. He told me to let everything go and just remember that God is with me in this and holding me tight. He also told me to be sure to smile at other people I see today, and maybe tell them something nice. (I do that anyway, but I think he's guiding me to focus less on myself right now... which is good.)

A little later, I received this email from Ric:

Come here to me sister... I will pullyou close and you will sense my humanness... And my Godliness.

I am your brother, and I am yourfather.

I am your friend and I am in youalways.

I am weeping real tears with you, foryour tears, are my tears.

The cloudiness of the day is on theverge of lightening. It always is soon to be brightening!

If it should seem too long andunbearable,

blink once, and I have blinked withyou.

Breathe once, and there too am I,expanding our lungs and drawing in the the essence of our humansustenance.

But, close your eyes and quiet yourmind...in that space, you and I are one love, one life, alreadybasking in the brightest of lights!

We break bread, we laugh out loud, weweep over our losses and celebrate our victories!

I entered this place, beloved, as youtwitched and turned in the womb of our sister.

I was there as you offered your ownwomb as an entrance for our growing family!

I was there in every struggle, allstrife, the ever changing and rearranging of your temporary life...asI am now, and will surely always be.

I will be your eyes as you choose, yourthought when you call on me, and I will walk with you hand-in-handinto your peace and eternal glory... If need be, I will carry you.

I am always so pleased when you thinkof me. It humbles me beyond belief that, in all we have walkedthrough together, you still hold me in your soul... That you sense mylove, and know that I am always next to you. No... Within you, inthis breath, in this day, in our pain, and especially in ourcelebration!

I did not come to stand apart from yoursuffering. No, we came to this world, (this imperfect realm),together,

to face imperfection head on!

We are discovering the truth of thisplace and its darkness, while all the time keeping our eyes on theperfect, infinite love-light that is forever whispering;

Daughter Jeanne...

"Here... Sweet one...

I am. right here"!

He loves us so much!

(...let's go tell someone who doesn'tknow!)

With Light and Love,

Your brother,

Jesus

BTW, I had a feeling after reading it through again that Ric wrote this, so I emailed him back and asked him. He said, "I prayed for you and asked for a word for you. This is what I got. I looked for inspirational quotes and couldn't find any that I liked, so, I prayed and asked God to use me. This is what he said. That's why I told you to read it over again. He really loves you!!"

1/5/11 - Moving Forward

2012-01-05T19:29:00.001-05:00

I'm Fine! Just Fine!

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Cohen at David Lee Cancer Center. I'm not a fan of late day appointments, because there's usually more waiting time. And although I long for doctors to control the waiting time better, I know the reason why things get backed up by the end of the day. I was reminded first-hand today, when Dr. Cohen spent a long time discussing my treatment with Ric and me. But before the doctor came in...

Even though I've had some really good days, I've been back to being extremely tired by the end of the work day, and of course arrived at the cancer center in that condition. I was called back shortly after I arrived, but then sat in the examining room for over an hour. I was clothed in my jeans and a hospital gown on the top half of me... a hospital gown so gigantic it felt more like I had nothing on, and could not keep the opening in the back closed. My back was freezing. Sitting on the end of the examining table was also making my cold back ache! (Yeh, I know... poor me.) I had run out of patience, and in my fatigued state, started to cry. Ric told me I needed to talk to my doctor about an anti-depressant. Seriously, I'm fine, I told him... just tired of waiting. So I jumped off the table, held my gown together in the back, and marched out the door to find out if the doctor was still there, while Ric was saying, "Don't do that." Dang, I don't want to be the bitchy patient. But I couldn't quit taking the steps to find some tired-after-a-long-day nurse to bitch to. When I found one, I was assured that the doctor would be with me very soon. Went back to the room, and tried to stay angry, simply because I thought that would mean I was stronger. But instead my head took the pathetic route and I started to cry again, actually sobbing, asking Ric what happened. Once again, I was happy, healthy and walking my dog three times a day... and once again, I'm told I have CANCER! I thought it would be easy this time... and in many respects it is easier... but, here I am... I bundle of emotions once more.

Dr. Cohen came in and apologized for being late, and expressed his sadness that I had cancer once again, and said I could have the whole box of tissues. I became nice again.

Treatment Plan

He thoroughly and clearly explained to Ric and I four different treatment options to consider. Because my cancer was strongly ER and PR positive, I will definitely be taking Arimidex after the chemotherapy. (It's a good thing that I was ER/HR positive because there are meds to prevent recurrence of this type of cancer.) The type of cancer this time was highly dependent on estrogen and progesterone to grow. The Arimidex will stop estrogen production, which will help prevent recurrence. (Types of Breast Cancer) I asked Dr. Cohen if I would grow a beard if I had no estrogen. He said I was the first patient to ever ask that question! He assured me that I would not, unless I decided to take testosterone for some reason. LOL!

Before taking Arimidex, I'll receive chemotherapy. I had 4 treatments of Adriamycin 5 years ago. Because of the risk of heart muscle damage, a person can only have 6 treatments of this chemo drug in a lifetime. Taking 2 more treatments is doable, but the risk of having some heart damage is more likely. Because there is only about a 2% less chance of a recurrence of cancer, I opted not to take Adriamycin this time. Additionally, since this cancer was so strongly ER/PR positive, it is not certain, but quite likely that the Arimidex will be very, very effective for me. (The more estrogen/progesterone receptors there are, the better the medicine works!) So why take a chance on heart damage, when the Arimidex is likely to be quite beneficial for me?

This time I will receive 4 treatments of a combination of Cytoxan and Taxotere, three weeks apart, for a total of 12 weeks of chemotherapy. (Last time it was 8 treatments every 2 weeks for a total of 16 weeks.) Chemo will be followed by radiation and that plan will be determined by a radiation oncologist at a later date. (Chemotherapy Medicines)

Before I start chemo, I will have to have the one more minor surgery to insert a port for the chemo delivery. Dr. Cohen with coordinate with Dr. Covelli as to when this procedure can be done. There will be some healing time and then chemo will start. So now, I'm waiting again. That's okay, though... I'm familiar with the waiting by now... and when I can wait at home or at work without a big hole in my clothes to let cold air in... I wait without much complaining!

Present state: Healing very nicely. I'm using cocoa butter on the scars... that keeps them soft and helps them to heal without lumps or ridges. I still have a little swelling under my arm and the feeling that my arm has been burned (which it hasn't... it's just an effect due to the surgery irritating the nerves), but that is getting better each day. I recall now how horrified I was when I saw my breast the day after the second surgery... but except for the scars, it has returned to a normal shape and doesn't look bad at all! I suppose when all the swelling goes down, it'll be a little smaller than the other one... but that's okay - I'll just make sure I turn my perky side toward the camera.

1/1/12 - Eat, Pray, Love

2012-01-01T20:16:00.000-05:00

For three days now, I have been normal. (Ric... I know you will read this. So, no comments, please.) What I mean, is... my emotional hysterics are over. The immense fatigue has passed. I feel terrific!

Last Thursday evening, I went to a going-away party for a friend who's moving out of the country. At that party were many other friends, several of whom are also breast cancer survivors. All of these women who were at the party are ones I consider very, very special. I felt a powerful energy just being in their presence. I also had a chance to hear again some of their experiences with breast cancer, which provided reassurance to me that I would be well again. Marianne even gave me a gentle shoulder and upper back massage. Ever since that night, I've just felt lighter and more free and joyful.

I don't mean to discredit the source of strength Ric has been to me. And many others, who've wished me well, brought food and gifts to us, and prayed for me. Ric even encouraged me to go to the party. It's just that it all came together AT the party. I was in an environment that was a celebration. Not for me, but for my friend moving away. But a celebration nonetheless.

So, the lesson here? Ladies, when you're in a slump... surround yourself with a bunch of WOMEN you love... eat, laugh and be merry!

1/1/12 - Preventing Lymphedema

2012-01-01T20:15:00.000-05:00

After an axillary lymph node dissection, several precautions must be taken, for the rest of your life, to prevent lymphedema (major and painful swelling) in your affected arm. Among them: You can no longer have your blood pressure taken in the arm or be stuck for blood work or IV's. It is up to YOU to tell a nurse or doctor not to take your blood pressure or draw blood from the affected arm or hand! Other precautions: Don't let the arm get sunburned, try to avoid injury to the arm (not that we ever intentionally injure ourselves), do not lift anything heavier than 15 lbs., and avoid repetitive motion with the arm like mowing the yard or raking leaves. I developed a little swelling in my arm after first getting our dog, apparently from the tugging on the leash. I switched arms after that, but now have become more consistent in not allowing him to pull on the leash at all.

The following is a link from the Susan G. Komen website that explains what lymphedema is, causes and treatments, and how to reduce the risk of getting lymphedema.

Lymphedema

Tip: I always carry a little tube of Neosporin in my purse in case I get a cut. I also wear a compression sleeve when I fly. Ah, that reminds me... I'm going to need to stop by Bohl Medical and get another one... because I do intend to fly again... in more ways that one! :-)

1/1/12 - Exercises After Breast Surgery

2012-01-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

If you have lymph nodes removed... this is VERY IMPORTANT! As soon as you are discharged from the hospital, begin doing arm exercises to keep your arm from "freezing up." You will not regain mobility in your arm if you skip doing this! You need mobility for everyday life, but also you will need to be able to raise your arm overhead for 20 minutes to receive radiation therapy. So, as painful as it can be... you must do this.

After my first lymph node surgery 5 years ago, Dr. Covelli told me to do these exercises and assured me that I would not hurt anything or pull stitches loose. (I needed to hear that!) The key is to do the exercises 4 times a day, and gradually attempt to stretch a little further each day. I did them then and quickly regained full mobility of my arm. I do them now as well, and am amazed at how much I have recovered so far. The top two to do are arm reaches, where you walk your fingers up the wall (from your side and facing the wall), and try to go farther each time. It helps to have some gauge of how you are progressing... for me I used the wall next to a large painting and remembered the position where I started on my first day! The other is to do arm circles in both directions. I also like lying down on the bed and letting my arm fall back behind me over my head. Here is a link to additional exercises:

Exercises After Breast Surgery

When I first start, there seems to be a "string" or two of muscle that is particularly painful. I made no effort whatsoever to "break" this string... I just gently stretch to the point where I feel I shouldn't go any farther. After about a week, I no longer have that particular sensation. There does continue to be a point of pain, however, so don't go past that... just keep gently stretching as far as possible and hold it for a minute or so, and although it seems slow, the muscles will stretch again. It's been 2-1/2 weeks since my last surgery and as of today, I can bring my arm all the way up! It's not completely comfortable, but I can get it there.

But I'm not finished! I will need to do these exercises for the next couple years! Yes, years. It is very easy for the affected arm to tighten up, so make it a regular habit to keep doing the stretches often. As time passes, it won't have to be 4 times a day, but by then you'll welcome feeling the stretch and find yourself reaching up to touch the top of door frames! LOL!

12/28/11 - Hanging on by a Thread... is still hanging on!

2011-12-29T09:38:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning very tired after a long night of nightmares. Every step to get ready to go to the doctor and to work was met with fighting back tears. My body is tired and in pain. I am emotionally exhausted. What happened to my positive state of mind? I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm a mess.

Stopped by Dr. Covelli's office this morning before work and got all the stitches out and got the drain taken out! Man, I have some scars! The scars from five years ago are barely visible now, so these new ones will fade too. Of course, what does it matter? The surgeries saved my life!

I thought it would be a complete relief to have the drain out, but it still feels like I have a block under my arm and the sensation that my arm has been burned is still there. That's a result of the muscles being cut and the surgery irritating the nerves. That will resolve itself over a period of time. I also have swelling in my breast, under my arm, and around the corner in my back. It's pretty painful. Went online to the American Cancer Society website and found that using an ice pack is the best treatment and drinking lots of water will help reduce the swelling as well. So I'm using my ice packs that I keep in the studio at work and at home, and am downing the water!

After work, I ran a few errands, did a few chores, and then cried. And cried. And cried. This is not the state of mind I want to be in! I have no idea why I'm so depressed. The two surgeries have removed all the cancer. The chemo and radiation ahead is just "clean up" work. I'm not afraid of the treatments. The stitches and drain out today. Plus, so many folks have stepped up in a multitude of ways to help us, from raking leaves to sending helpful gifts and there has been a constant stream of people at our door delivering food. Ric and I have been well taken care of and well fed... and loved and prayed for. Yet, I cry. I'm tired. So very tired. And worry creeps in... if I'm so tired now, how am I going to deal with chemo? Ric tried to help me. I know he was confused, unsure what to do. I told him that just because I was crying didn't mean he had to DO something. He walked away and let me cry... probably so difficult for him... but the best thing he could do for me at the time. I NEED my crying time... it will NOT last... I will MOVE thru the emotional difficulties... but I need my crying time... and a truck load of tissues.

Good friends came by later with food in hand! Encouraged me to come to a party for a mutual friend tomorrow evening. After they left, Ric and I took our homemade chicken pot pies into the family room and watched the basketball game. Love our Mountaineers! A happy ending to the day!

12/28/11 - Pathology Report Results

2011-12-28T19:27:00.000-05:00

Briefly...

CANCER TYPE: Invasive Moderately Differentiated Ductal Carcinoma

TUMOR SIZE: 2.7 cm

AXILLARY LYMPH NODE DISSECTION: 4 of 11 lymph nodes removed contain small clusters of tumor aggregates within the subcapsular sinus. (Essentially, these cells are present in the "lining" of the node, and have not completely invaded the nodes. This is good! There is also a possibility that because the amount in the nodes is so small, I will not have to have radiation under my arm.)

CANCER STAGE: This is debatable. The size of the tumor definitely moves me into Stage Two. Some doctors might say the presence of cancer in the lymph nodes is enough to move me into Stage Three. But because it's such a small amount, it would not necessarily be "wrong" to say it's Stage Two. (Last time, I was a definite Early Stage Three.)

ADDITIONAL FINDINGS: The tumor cells tested ER/PR Positive and HER Negative. Doctor says this is good. (Last time I was "triple negative." So, this time, I have a completely different kind of cancer.) I'm a little familiar with what this means, but have to do some more research.

Next step...
Appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Cohen, at David Lee Cancer Center on Tuesday, January 3. I assume at that time, we'll discuss what type of chemo I'll receive, for how long, when it will start, and when the surgery to insert a port will be scheduled. Scans too. Lots and lots of scans. I have a scanner at home... can't I just do those myself?

12/25/11 - Christmas Day

2011-12-25T09:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my day to be sad that my entire family cannot be together for Christmas. I mourned it, cried, and today was a good day. Ric's son, Nic, came down from Marietta, Ohio, and we continued our tradition for when it's just the three of us. We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and then went to a movie. It was a fun day! We had a great time together. Merry Christmas!

12/24/11 - Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve! Asweet peaceful day. It should havebeen. I woke up this morning, tookBodhi for a walk, came home with the intention of having a cup of coffee andreading the newspaper, while waiting for Ric to wake up. Instead, I felt empty and crawled back inbed to get warm. Drifted back tosleep while thoughts of missing my family danced in my head. When I woke, I couldn’t make myself getup. My cat, Dot, was lying beside me,and I knew if I could see her face better, I would smile. It’s hard to turn over with a painful armand a drain coming out of it, and by the time I adjusted myself so I could seeher, she had moved... and her butt was in my face! Tried to get her to turn around, but she was adamant about makingme laugh... only it didn’t work. I just felt sad and depressed, wondering whatwould I do when I did get up. Go lookat the trio of Christmas trees in front of the fireplace, with no lights,because I couldn’t find the long extension cord? Stare at the blank space under the trees because I did not shopthis year? I looked at my bare feet andbegan to remember things that would happen to my body during chemo... mytoenails and fingernails would get ugly ridges in them, my skin would be dry,the steroids would make me look like the Pillsbury Doughboy, my hair would fallout to the point I would have to have my head shaved to keep the piles of hairshowing up all over the place, I would lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, addingto the Pillsbury Doughboy look. Andthen the hardest thoughts to think came crashing in. Last year, I went to my mom’s house for Christmas. I didn’t go the year before, so this was thefirst Christmas being in the house without my dad. Little did I know at the time that it would be the last year thatMom was in the house at Christmas. Thisyear her Christmas will be spent in a nursing home and she will have no ideait’s Christmas. I realized that neveragain would I experience a family Christmas in the home in which I grew up. My son and family moved to Indiana this year,and will have little time to visit upon their return to West Virginia for theholidays. My daughter and family areliving in Mexico. It’s hard to geteveryone together when you deal with multiple blended families... but I recalltwo very special Christmases when we did. One year we rented a cabin at Stonewall Resort. Everyone was there on a snowyChristmas Day, fire in the fireplace and deer visiting outside. A Christmas card Christmas! And a few years ago, we were all together inour home... it was a noisy, happy,glorious time. Everyone was astonishedat the perfect Christmas dinner I had prepared, and I especially recall thedrum circle that spontaneously formed in one corner of the house... singing andlaughing and drumming... oh what a joy filled day. Today... too quiet for me to bear. Ric said something to me that I perceived as an angry tone, and Icould no longer hold myself together. Icried and sobbed and wailed. I wrote anemail to my daughter telling her how much I missed her, knowing she wasstruggling with the same feelings. Icouldn’t decide whether or not to actually send it. She was glad I did. Ithelped us both to acknowledge our sadness and move on. My day did get better. I showered and was going to straighten myhair, because I knew that would make me feel good. Silly me. However, Icouldn’t straighten my right arm enough yet to straighten my hair. Surprisingly, I did not cry over this. Although Ric and I have a lot of food in thehouse, thanks to loving friends, we decided to go to our favorite restaurant,Little India, for a late lunch for Christmas Eve. Harish and Meena welcomed us like family. Family. It felt good to be in their restaurant and they fed us good food andwarmed our hearts as always.

I’m better now. Iremain steadfast in the knowledge that what is happening to me is not atragedy. My boss, Mike, lost his fatheryesterday. Sadness is compounded duringthe holidays, and I can’t imagine how hard this is for him. There is little Lydia, who will not getriding toys for Christmas this year, or next, or maybe ever. There is a young man, with little children,who lost his young wife in a car accident recently. And countless other tragedies other people are dealing with. Even my own husband. His illness (Primary Progressive MS) is somuch worse than my condition. There’snot much hope he’ll regain the loss of muscle in his legs and arm. I get thru my condition with the comfort ofthe word “temporary.” Ric does not havethat choice. There’re a lot oftreatments available for the most common form of MS, Relapsing Remitting... butnot much for PPMS. Everything that’sbeen tried so far has not worked for Ric, but we continue to hope that the nexttreatment will. Guess what it is? Chemotherapy! We laugh though, as we try to decide whether to have our chemotogether or if we should stagger the treatments! I smile as I remember a night when we were still dating... wewere huddled under an umbrella together, running through the rain, with abottle of wine and cheese & crackers, laughing and giggling, to his cozyplace on the East End. We weren’tthinking about staggering our chemo treatments 10 years later! LOL!

We have been so loved and cared for and prayed for theselast few weeks. Part of me knows I haveno right to be depressed. And the otherpart of me knows this little Pity Party is necessary in order to move on to thenext step. Two surgeries in a week’stime? I willingly went back to workquickly, but I was drained at the end of each day. Some nights I slept well, some nights I did not. A tired body leads to a tired mind. And for me, it was easy for depression toset in. Especially being the Christmasseason. I gotta put this down on theblog, because I’m surely not the only woman dealing with breast cancer who getsfreakin’ sad! My high-school friend,Diane, commented on my Facebook post the other day, “Idon't know how you do it, Jeanne. Keeping up your spirit and sense of humor.You... going through what you do and you still manage to make me smile. I don'thave much time to read everything on FB but I try to read your blog. It makesme laugh, and keeps me humble and thankful at the same time. You are soprecious. God Bless You!!” My responsewas, “From the first thought that I might have cancer again thru thelast treatment for it, will probably be about a year's time. Do I want to spend the next year of my lifemiserable? NO! So the only choice is to live my life asfully as I can, pretty much the same way I alwaysdo. I choose HAPPINESS. I choose LIFE!!! And make no mistake, all the prayers and loving support from peoplelike you, Diane, help me to do just that. I love you!”

So today, I’m sticking to it. I have boxes of kleenex in every room now, just in case the“stickiness” wears off in places, and also so I will never know if I actuallygo thru a whole box of tissues in one day. I may have some steps backward now and then, but I will always takebigger and more steps forward.

Just went to find Dot. She looked at me as if to say, "Are we okay now?" Yes, Dot, we're dancing again."

12/23/11 - Waiting... for Decorations?

2011-12-23T08:30:00.003-05:00

Hmmmmm... I think I've used the Waiting title before. There is a lot of waiting from the time the doctor feels the lump and says, "We need to take a closer look at that" and the time the treatment begins. Yet, I look back and each period of waiting led to the next step, all of which are necessary for a correct diagnosis and proper treatment. I've had the mammogram, ultra sound, biopsy, surgery, second surgery, and yesterday I received a call from David Lee Cancer Center and set up an appointment for January 3. At that time, Dr. Cohen will discuss with Ric and I what kind of chemotherapy I'll receive, on what schedule, and when it will start. I am content with waiting until after the holidays. I also know that I'll need a minor surgery to insert the port in my chest (for use in the chemo infusions), a full body scan, and a brain scan. Always scary to think what they might find in a brain scan, and I'm not talking about cancer! Oh the things stored in my brain. LOL!

I was hoping to have less than 40 cc's of fluid coming from the drain by today, so I could have it removed before the weekend. But no, 45... so I guess this little contraption is going to spend Christmas with me. In the world of problems, this is no biggie. My friend, Jamie, decorated her cat's cone with Christmas bows, so I guess I could put a little bow on my drain for Christmas Day. If a cat can deal with decorated humiliation, so can I! Ho Ho Ho!

12/21/11 - Waiting... and Voila!

2011-12-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Ric and I are hoping to hear from the doctor today regarding the full pathology report from last week's surgery. Despite being told it would take a week, we were hoping to hear yesterday too, and the day before, and the day before that. Ah, waiting is hard! If the report shows clear zones on the breast tissue and lymph nodes removed, then no more surgeries and onto chemotherapy! I'm ready to get moving on this little "project!" I'm also ready to get this dang drain out of my side... I know I'll feel so much better when it's gone. I was checking online last night and browsing through wigs. I had 3 wigs the last time and donated two of them to the American Cancer Society, keeping the one my mom and dad bought for me. If I'm going to lose my hair, I'm going to have fun with it. And if I'm going to BUY my hair, I'm going to buy STRAIGHT hair. I've made peace with my curly hair, but I'm going to enjoy having smooth, sleek, shiny, manageable, straight hair for a while.

OH MY! The phone just rang! It was Dr. Covelli! Path report back, no more cancer was found!!!!! Yippee! WooHoo! Thank you, God! I finally got my "Get Out of Jail Free" card! Oh man, I am so blessed.

Next step? I'll be referred to David Lee Cancer Center again with Dr. Cohen and we'll start chemo sometime after the first of the year. I will have to have one more minor surgery - and that is to insert a port in my chest for the delivery of chemo, which will be removed after chemo is over. The port saves the veins and is a painless way to receive the chemo treatments, so I'm all for it.

Well, good way to start the day! Thanks for your prayers and loving support. Yes, I am blessed!

12/19/11 - Time to Get Up and Go!

2011-12-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's my last day to be lazy. Back to work tomorrow! I'm feeling pretty good... but I do enjoy the comforts of home. I can use my ice pack whenever I need to. It's easier at home to have my own bathroom to empty the drain on my side. I can wear soft pajamas all day long. I can eat and sleep when I want to. And... I can just LISTEN to V100 Christmas music on the radio! But I do feel pretty darn good and I am eager to spend time with my V family and friends tomorrow.

Ric went to work this morning, and my dog and cats have been staring at me and at each other, as if to say, "Man, she's still here. Are we gonna have to cancel the Monday party?!?!"

12/17/11 - Time to Exercise!

2011-12-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

My daughter, Jill, was longing to help me deal with thedifficulty I was having about the way my body now looks. She said she had no words of wisdom, butoffered this, which are indeed very simple and wise words: “Number one...remember that all of this is temporary. Number two...this is treatable. Number three...the drain will only bethere for a few days. Number four...who cares what your boob lookslike. Number five...you still have both of your breasts. Numbersix...you have family and friends and people you don't even know who arepraying for you and loving you so much. And number seven...hey you areallowed to feel this way for a while. Cry all you want...get itout. Then think of all the things you have to be grateful for. Justlook at Amaya in her leotard...that will make anyone laugh.” I was starting to feel better anyway, andthis just tipped me right over the edge. Perfect words, Jill. Justperfect. (Four year-old Amaya and her dad are thelong, skinny ones in the family. Inthis pic, she’s trying to show off her muscles!)

I’m doing much better emotionally today. I haven’t even needed that one more bigcrying time. I’m just working throughsome minor physical challenges now. I’mon the mend!

So much going through my head, and yet I’m having trouble gettingit down on paper. My thoughts arebroken, as I’m working through these little physical things. Like the dreaded drain... and “dreaded” onlybecause I’m so squeamish. Ric strippedthe line and emptied the drain for me the day I came home and yesterdaymorning, but now I’m doing it myself... and the last two times, I did itwithout feeling like I was going to pass out! (Actually, I didn’t do it all by myself... whenever I go to the bathroomto do this, Bodhi comes with me, and lies on the floor.) Check one on my list of“accomplishments.” LOL! Anyone who has had lymph nodes removed fromtheir arm, must immediately begin exercises to retain mobility in the arm. The exercises hurt. But the doctor assures me that the stitchesare not going to rip out. I know thisto be true... I did the exercises in my left arm last time, and have fullmobility. So I’m doing them now, butget frustrated because I can’t lift my arm higher. I was walking miles a day, and now I can’t lift my arm. So my next little goal is to check off“having patience” on my accomplishment list! After having laid down for a nap and when I wake up in the morning, Ihave searing pain under my arm when I sit/stand up. I’ve learned to breath easy, let the muscles adjust and the paingradually subsides to a tolerable level. So, check one,check three... still working on the patience thing. I have this desire to go walk for a few miles and do somepush-ups, but first I have to lift my arm. Patience! Hurry up and get here!

12/16/11 - Coming Home

2011-12-16T17:24:00.000-05:00

This is Not a Tragedy

Last night I watched the local news, and saw a sad story about a little girl in our area, Lydia, who just got home from the hospital after a long stay because of a tragic accident, which left her paralyzed from the waist down. My heart ached for her and for her family. What a tragedy. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

As I read through all the comments and posts on Facebook, wishing me well and offering prayers for me and for Ric, I felt a deluge of guilt for all this attention coming my way. Yet I appreciate the tight, strong, supportive "hug" that these posts have provided. But I get this just because I'm in radio? There are others who need it more than me... because what I'm dealing with is not a tragedy. It's an illness and one that I will overcome. I cried as I told this to Ric.

Ric says it's not meant for me to feel guilty... it's a time for giving everybody a chance to spend time with God in prayer and for folks who don't even know each other to unite in a common cause. Time well spent. I hope it makes us all feel more loving toward others around us. Everyone has pain.

Back to IHOP

Somehow, last time I was going through cancer treatments, Ric and I got into the habit of going to IHOP for breakfast after procedures, tests, surgeries, treatments, etc. And now we're doing it again... enjoying blueberry whole-grain pancakes with coffee for Ric and iced tea for me. Things are slightly different this time around... as we walked in the door today, Ric (because of his MS) was walking with his cane, and I had this stupid (probably life-saving) drain hidden under my clothes... Ric looked at me and said, "Well, here we go. Cane and Drain!"

Tissue Time

After we got home, it was time for me to remove the outer bandage. Although I knew a large amount of tissue was removed from my breast, I was shocked when I saw myself. There is this big dip in my breast, more bruising along with what is still there from last week, a lot of stitches on my breast and a second set under my arm, and that drain hanging out. I just broke down and sobbed. All the while, I know that this is what had to be done and I'm fortunate to still have both breasts, but I couldn't believe what I was seeing! A month ago, I was in perfect health (so I thought) and walking miles a day with my dog... and now I'm standing in my bathroom looking at myself with disbelief. And feeling quite sorry for myself. Ric wanted to make it all better for me and I told him I needed to cry... and he let me. Combined with lack of sleep, I guess this is to be expected. I think I still need one more good, hard, wailing, sobbing episode... but as we women know... that kind of cry has to be one we have alone. Once that is done, it is done... and I'll move on. But for now, I keep tissues handy.

12/17/11 - Fair Warning

2011-12-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

In this blog, I write what I'm feeling and experiencing so that any other woman who is going through this same thing, will know she's not alone in what she's dealing with physically and emotionally. So if some of the things I post here make you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry... but I'm sure you understand.

12/15/11 - Second Surgery

2011-12-16T16:33:00.000-05:00

Went to the hospital feeling a little anxious, but mostly perky, glad to be getting this next step over with and move on to the next. Woke up from surgery feeling frightened, shivering, had trouble getting my breath, felt like something was lodged in my throat, and in incredible pain. The sweet voice of the recovery room nurse, Nikki, informed me that the surgery went well, that I was getting plenty of oxygen, and would be okay. It was hard to get a deep breath because it caused the pain to be worse, but with Nikki's gentle guidance, I eventually was able to calm down. Once I was breathing okay, I was given pain meds in my IV, and I relaxed. Ric was then allowed to come in and I realized when one is feeling quite vulnerable, is when you realize how very much you love someone... what a sense of peace I had looking into Ric's face!

Dr. Covelli removed a large amount of breast tissue, in order to be sure he reached the point where there was no more cancer. Same with lymph nodes in my arm... he removed a large number to reach a level where the lymph nodes would be clear. And hopefully... no further surgery will be necessary. As I knew I would, I have a drain coming out from under my arm, which freaks me out. You'd think after all this time, I wouldn't be so squeamish, but I am, and it's always a struggle to rise above it. So this is my first time to recall the word "temporary" that I used so often during my cancer treatments in 2006. One of my favorite words to help me through the (seemingly) tough parts!

I spent the rest of the day feeling pretty good, with very little pain. I thought I would sleep through the day, but apparently because of having had surgery just the week before, the staff knew exactly how much anesthetic I would need, so when I woke up... I was awake! Quite awake... until after 4:00 a.m. I found out what was on TV in the wee hours of the morning... I watched episodes of Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, The King of Queens, Seinfeld, and reruns of Jay Leno. I also realized sometime during the night that I had earlier posted a picture of myself in my little old man hospital gown on Facebook. Unfortunately, this won't be... temporary. Oh well, everyone's comments were very kind. (Thank you.) Might as well post it here too.

12/14/11 - Well, CRAP!

2011-12-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

I promise to come up with better titles for my blog entries, but for now... well, crap! I thought I was going to get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, but I landed on Boardwalk... and I didn't own it! Crap! Had surgery last Thursday to remove the cancerous lump, and a few lymph nodes were examined. It appeared as though there was a tiny speck of cancer on one of the lymph nodes. The full pathology report came back yesterday, and my doctor tells me that not only was there miniscule amounts of cancer in 3 of 4 lymph nodes, but that the margins of the tumor were broken in a small area. So I go back to surgery tomorrow for another slice of breast tissue to be removed... OUCH!... and an axillary lymph node dissection will be performed, which means additional lymph nodes will be removed. That's just what I was hoping would not happen. I recall the lymph node surgery being quite difficult to recover from the last time, and quite painful. However, I'm prepared for that this time, so I plan to deal with it with less fear. Additionally, it will now be necessary to receive chemotherapy again, followed by radiation. Another thing I was hoping to avoid this time around. Again, I know what to expect, so I'll probably handle that better too. My doctor told me I could wait until after the holidays to have the surgery if I wanted, but he could do it as earlier as Thursday. At first I gasped at the thought of having surgery when I'm still bruised, sore and swollen from the last one. Ric and I discussed it, and I realized I wanted ALL the cancer out of my body as soon as possible. And as Ric pointed out, why wait until I'm completely healed and then start all over again. So, I'm going to go for it. Get 'er done! (That's the first time I've ever used that phrase!)

The hardest part of this new development was telling my children, Danny and Jill, and telling Ric. A funny thing happened while Ric and I were hugging each other and crying. Our dog, Bodhi, starting barking at us. So we paused to pat his head and tell him all would be okay. I tried to stop crying, but then found myself just sobbing. Then Bodhi let out this sad, agonizing, cry of his own. Ric and I sat down on the bed beside him, and this 60 lb dog moved behind me and wrapped himself around me! He held me that way for a while, and then he rubbed his head all over my back... it was like a awesome massage! By this time, Ric and I were in awe and giggling at the same time. I'm not sure how to interpret what happened, but it was very healing, and I haven't even felt the need to cry since then.

So, it was not the news I wanted to hear, and I kinda feel like I can't wake up from a bad dream right now. Yet, I know I'm embarking on a journey... one that will be tough at times... but one that is bound to bring some delightful surprises. At least that's what I learned from Bodhi... who was named before we got him... and which name means "the enlightened one."

12/4/11 - Well, POOP!

2011-12-04T09:36:00.001-05:00

A fine way, I say, to wrap up the year ofmy 5 year anniversary of surviving breast cancer. Actually, I'm quiteokay. Just wish my little uninvitedguest could’ve waited a little longer... say 60 years or so? So... it appears as though the “Big C” hasnot returned with a vengeance, but with a little peek through the window,saying, “Yoo-hoo. My crazy cousinvisited you five years ago, but I’m the younger black-sheep of the family...really very nice... but I do like to stir things up a bit now and then. Just thought I’d check in and see how thingsare going, and maybe give YOU a chance to stir things up a bit yourself!” So, okay, I’ll let you stay for a couplemore days, but then out you go!

After a mammogram found a suspicious tiny lump in my leftbreast, followed by another mammogram, ultra sound, and biopsy, and finallysurgery on March 8, 2006, I was devastated to learn I had breast cancer. I was healthy and active,and was shattered to find I had a life-threatening disease. Another surgery revealed the cancer hadspread to lymph nodes, which frightened me even more. However, after almost a year of aggressive chemotherapy, followedby radiation... I continue to hop, skip and jump on planet earth. Thinking there was magic in reachingthat “5-Year Mark,” I was pretty surethere was no room in the inn for Big C. How-ever... at my yearlyvisit with my oncologist, he felt a “thickening.” His records indicated it was there before, but said it was muchmore pronounced now. So off for anothermammogram, which indicated the necessity for an ultra sound. The ultra sound indicated the necessity fora biopsy. And the biopsy indicated thenecessity for surgery since it revealed that I have... cancer. My surgeon says it appears that I’m dealingwith DCIS (ductal carcinoma in-situ), which is good news, if one receives acancer diagnosis. It means that thecancer is contained within the milk duct and has not spread to other areas ofthe breast and into the lymph nodes. The surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning. A lumpectomy will beperformed and the lymph nodes will be examined. If the cancer has not spread and is intact within the duct, Iwill not have to have chemo this time... just radiation.

The waiting is difficult... but I’m handling it well thistime. I had my crying spells during thefirst few days of thinking I might have cancer again. BTW, crying is an essential step in the healing process! I’ve dealt with cancer before, and I’ll doit again if I have to. It was tough totell my children. I’m worried aboutbeing able to walk my dog if I have lymph node surgery. I really agonize over how Ric, who’s dealingwith very progressed MS, is going to manage if I’m incapacitated. So, I’m hoping that the cancer has notspread and can be cured by the lumpectomy and radiation alone. In the meantime, I’m soaking up everymoment... from the joys of morning coffee with the Sunday Gazette to attendingthe Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. Concert at the Clay Center! Life is good, and as long as I’m alive...well, poop!... I’m going to BE alive!

Five Years!

2011-01-22T10:36:00.001-05:00

When does one declare themselves a 5-year Breast Cancer Survivor? Some say the day you finish all your treatments - surgery, chemotherapy, radiation. Some say after the surgery to remove the cancerous lump. Some say you're a survivor the moment you are diagnosed! That's the one I've used... until now. A few days ago, I started remembering that this was about the time five years ago, that I received the call from my doctor that my mammogram needed to be repeated because something suspicious was showing up. That's when the fear started, so I'm claiming the 5-year mark from the time I began to think there might be cancer in my body... and that was in January 2006! So there!

Now, about the five year thing. I'm only using it as a cause to CELEBRATE. I've not been hanging around these past five years, waiting for the 5 year anniversay to come. I've not lived one moment of these past five years worrying about whether the cancer has returned. Not one! What a waste of time that would have been... to spend five years worrying about something that never happened! (And if the cancer had returned in these past five years, well, worrying would have still been a waste of time!) I suppose it might mean something to insurance companies... but to me, it's just a reason to celebrate... and an opportunity to begin speaking about breast cancer awareness on the air again. (I find myself back on the radio after two years away... so I'm guessing my voice may be needed again... to encourage today's busy women to take the necessary time to have a mammogram.)

If you're reading this for the first time, and want to follow my 2006 journey from the beginning... go to the March 8, 2006 entry and start there. (I wish there was another way to organize the dates on a blog, but I don't know a way to do that. If you start with 3/8/06, I think it'll be easy to read everything in order.) As I always say, this journal is not meant to give anyone advice on how to deal with a cancer diagnosis or suggest treatments... it is just an account of how I dealt with the days from diagnosis to my last radiation treatment. It's my belief that if we simply share our own journey honestly and openly, others will relate as needed in their own life. Actually, I hope you enjoy reading the journal! It's not all about being "sick." It's about new realizations, how life goes on even during chemo, and the large doses of humor that accompanied me (and my husband, Ric) throughout the year!

5/1/10 - The Race for the Cure Continues

2010-05-03T09:04:00.002-04:00

I just completed this year's Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure! My husband Ric, always meets me at the finish line and puts a survivor's medal around my neck. Over 6,000 people walked/ran in this year's race. I'm blessed to be one of the many survivors who participated. This year I ran in memory of two friends who died this past year... Debbie Rupert and Jane Ann Curry. Both of these lovely women were there for me when I was diagnosed... ready to answer all my questions and offer support. These beautiful women will be in my heart forever.

9/3/09 - Remembering back when...

2009-09-03T14:16:00.005-04:00

It's been over 3 years now since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I still run into women who've just been diagnosed and remember that when I used to work for the radio station, V100, I openly talked about my journey with "bc." Today, I met yet another woman who was diagnosed just a few days ago. It took me back to that time when I couldn't even say the word "cancer" out loud. That's where my soon-to-be new friend is right now. I remember once again that time when I was full of fear and could hardly contain my tears to get through the day. The year of 2006 was a journey of a different kind for me... I found the words, "4:00 Chemo" on my calendar and couldn't believe it wasn't something more like "4:00 Haircut" or "4:00 Meet Sandy for Coffee." My calendar looks normal now, but for still far too many women, their calendars are changing for the next year or so. I kept a journal on our radio station website during 2006 - both to keep my V100 listeners informed and as a therapeutic exercise. If you, or someone you know, needs to know they're not alone... you may want to read a bit of my journal. My entries during that time were just daily or weekly writings of my experience. It's not always pretty, and it's not always ugly - in fact, it's sometimes funny. Most of the people who read my journal at that time were not even dealing with cancer. I guess we all have things in common... enough to relate in even ordinary daily living. But if you are dealing with cancer yourself or in your family, check out this blog... and at the very least, you'll know you're not alone in your fears, questions, and wondering about your ability survive. Too many women die from breast cancer, but I'm proof that it is also a survivable disease. (Start reading from the first entry, 3/8/06.)

3/8/07 - Anniversary?

2007-03-08T20:55:00.004-05:00

I’m not much for celebrating or even recognizing days that something bad happened. I don’t think loved ones who died would want me to be sad… I wouldn’t want that for any of my family members. I don’t think it’s good to go back to the past and let myself feel anguished. However, it makes a difference if we can put a positive spin on things!

So… today is one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh yes, I cried my heart out when Ric and I received the news… and for several days afterward. But today, one year later, I’m still here, so I celebrate that. But there’s more.

· March 8, 2006, is the day I became a SURVIVOR. I often heard from other women that they were 5 year, 10 year, 20 year survivors… and I asked a friend, “What marks the time you become a ‘survivor’? When the tumor is removed? When treatments end? When you get your first mammogram that everything’s all clear?” She replied, “The moment you’re diagnosed!!!” I understood that. The moment we’re diagnosed we start the surviving part.

· During 2006, I learned what I can endure and that I have wells of strength within me. “Cancer” is a difficult word to hear. The surgeries and treatments are tough to go through. The emotional toll is sometimes heavy. With lots of support from family and friends and reliance on God… I did come through last year.

· I was blessed to experience the constant love and caring of my husband… and my family. And friends. And strangers who became friends. Signs of support from people who didn’t even know me, except as a voice on the radio. I had a year of being aware of great blessings. I have blessings everyday even now. But last year, I took almost nothing for granted.

· March 8, 2006, began a new mission in my life – to encourage and support other women who are diagnosed with breast cancer. To encourage women to care for themselves and their health… to get breast exams and mammograms on a regular basis. And to offer support, realizing I don’t have to have any extraordinary wisdom to do so… but just to share my experience. It helped me to know I was not alone. The experience alone makes us a storehouse of information, that others can use in their healing process.

So… it IS an anniversary to be recognized… and celebrated. Even in the darkest times… there is always light.

Move always toward the Light!

10/6/06 - Celebration Day!

2006-10-06T20:55:00.000-04:00

Today’s the day… my final radiation treatment… my final cancer treatment! I woke up happy that Ric was going with me this morning. The poor guy’s had a lot to deal with this year. I’ve been scared and sick and not always pleasant to be around! He’s been by my side from the beginning… right there holding me when I told him about the call telling me I needed to go back for another mammogram… when I had that first sick feeling that something could be very wrong. I liked knowing that we would share this day. We had weathered this storm together from the very beginning and we would see the rainbow together today!

Lisha was my radiation therapist for my first treatment and she was there today for my last. She, and all the others have been so sweet and kind. The radiation treatments were much quicker than chemo and the therapists couldn’t stay in the room during treatment, so we didn’t get to know each other as well as the nurses during chemo… but I still appreciate their caring and comfort and friendliness. Their attitudes once again made a scary situation easier! I’ll remember them fondly… always.

Ric went with me this morning to radiation, and after the treatment he suggested we go to IHOP for breakfast. On the way down to Kanawha City, I almost called him on the cell phone (we were in separate cars) to suggest Bob Evans instead, then decided IHOP was fine. When we arrived at the restaurant, the hostess met us as the door, and Ric quickly said we’ll go over there, nodding to the left. I looked and saw balloons and wondered why he wanted to go to where a kids birthday party was going on. (I didn’t even stop to think that it was weird to have a child’s birthday party at 7:30 AM on a weekday.) When we walked around the corner I saw my daughter’s face… the my step-son, then my son-in-law, then my son, then all the grandchildren… all my family early in the morning, who lived in Parkersburg, who were at work or in school… was I seeing things? Oh my! My FAMILY! They’re ALL here!

There were all kinds of balloons and flowers and cards… and my FAMILY! They came all the way down, left at 5:00 AM, will be late for work and school… just to celebrate this day with me! I cried… of course… but tears of joy! I was so happy… and had never been more surprised in my entire life! We just had a wonderful morning… eating breakfast together, laughing, and celebrating!!! It was the best gift ever… to have my husband and children and grandchildren surrounding me with their love. I’ll always remember this beautiful morning!

Jill said they wanted to do something really special for me… something I would never expect. It was special… I was completely surprised… and will never forget this wonderful day.

The celebrating went on all day… I received a dozen pink roses (my favorite) from Susi and Skip, lots of well-wishes and congratulations from our V100 listeners – some even holding simultaneous celebrations, and a gorgeous hand-made pink and cream quilt made by the Winfield Quilt Guild!

After my air shift the surprises continued. My co-workers had a Cheesecake Party to celebrate the end of treatments. The people I work with have shown their support all throughout this unusual year. They’ve taken care of me during difficult days, helped me, prayed for me, cried with me, laughed with me, and celebrated! Work is a place where we spend a lot of our time. Work gave me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, when it would have been easy to stay in bed and wallow in the suffering. And when I did come to work, I had warm, friendly faces to greet me… people who became my family during this time.

The day ended with Ric taking me to Sitar… our favorite restaurant… and we celebrated the end of the treatments, and talked and laughed about this wondrous day filled with love and celebration.

Ric is the best secret keeper ever!

10/5/06 - One More to Go

2006-10-05T20:54:00.000-04:00

I went to my radiation treatment this morning. Tomorrow will be the last treatment. I can hardly believe it. I’ve spent most of this year having doctor appointments, tests, surgeries, and treatments… and I will be finished tomorrow!

I’ve already started the transition… I’ve been walking at a nearby park. I walked 2 miles yesterday… doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a start. I’m walking even though I’m still experiencing fatigue. My legs have never quit aching from the chemotherapy, so I thought maybe exercise would help. I was right… with only 3 days of exercise, my legs feel so much better. Dr. Plants said it would take about 2 weeks to a month to recover from the radiation therapy.

At any rate, after tomorrow… the healing begins in a new way. Actually it’s more like the recovery begins. I’ve always felt that the surgeries to remove the cancer began the healing process… and the treatments were insurance against the return of cancer. But the treatments themselves caused some unpleasant… often difficult… side effects. So once all the treatments are over, I’ll begin recovering from that.

I’m happy, but you’d think I’d be excited. I was definitely excited to have my last chemo treatment, but the side effects of that were so devastating. Radiation’s not been so bad. And another thing… even though it’s not the way I would have planned the year (!), the visits to the hospital have been a routine part of my day for a long time. Now it’s all going to change… for the better of course… but it is change… which always makes me a bit apprehensive. Plus I’ve met some really wonderful people along the way… people who’ve been encouraging, energizing and life-giving. So I’m, in a way, leaving good things behind too. Many of those friendships will continue. And during numerous follow-up visits I’ll be making to the cancer center, I’ll still be seeing the wonderful people I’ve met throughout the medical procedures! It’s still kind of strange though… the way I feel today.

Some of the little things that I’m looking forward to:

It’s been a hassle to use the seat belt in the car. When the port was still in place in the right side of my chest, and I was in the passenger seat, I had to hold it out away from my chest, because the strap went right across the port. Now recently, while driving, I’ve had to hold it out on my left side, because of a radiation burn. So one of the little things that will be nice, will be to use the seat belt on either side… hands free!

I can soon remove the Aquaphor, Hydrocortisone, baby powder, and Aleve from my purse too… maybe even go back to carrying a smaller purse!

I can finally wash off all the Sharpie marks!

Ah… but what am I going to do with that extra hour in the morning? Duh… SLEEP!

10/3/06 - Little Women?

2006-10-03T20:52:00.002-04:00

I received my radiation treatment this morning, and was waiting to see the doctor. A man who was sitting beside me made a remark about my friend (who is also receiving radiation treatments) who has a “woman preacher.” He said, “If that’s what she wants, she’s gonna have to live with that decision.” I asked, “You find something wrong with a female being a preacher?” “Yep, I sure do!” “Why?” “Women were created to SERVE men!” I thought he was kidding and I laughed. He wasn’t and he didn’t.

Then I remembered a story he told in the waiting room one time: “My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere where she had never spent much time. So I took her by the arm, and led her into the kitchen.”

I asked him about the women-as-servants remark, “Are you just kidding?” “No!” “You’re serious?” “Yes.” “Why would you believe that?” “Because Jesus didn’t have any woman disciples!” “Women traveled in his group of followers all the time and Jesus treated every woman he met as an equal.” “No, he didn’t.”

Then his name was called for his treatment. I had had a very sleepless night and was feeling tired and grumpy, so I was in a mood to argue… I guess it’s best our conversation was cut short. I was too angry to have made any difference in his way of thinking. Oh, but the not-so-good-girl inside me sure wanted to give it a try!

The Pumpkin Patch

Heard this today:

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and
washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and
scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for
all the world to see.

Guess we’re all pumpkins.

10/2/06 - Shapes

2006-10-02T20:51:00.000-04:00

First day of last week of radiation treatments! Today the electron plan was established for the final week of treatments. The five treatments this week will target only the area where the tumor was removed. It’s much quicker… only takes a few minutes. I have another Sharpie drawing now… around the scar in roughly the shape of Australia. I just have to be careful this week not to wash the marks away.

The area beneath my color bone is so red and painful… at least that area won’t be treated anymore, and can begin to heal.

Even though I’ve been really tired from the radiation treatments, I’ve been feeling a real need to get back to exercising and get back in shape. I wish I would have tried to walk, or do something, all along. Anyway, I decided to put on my running shoes and go to a nearby park and walk. I walked just one mile… and felt really good. I wanted to walk more, but thought I better take it easy for the first time… and walk again tomorrow.

I didn’t wear my wig… just a cap… no scarf. Was it my imagination, or did people avoid making eye contact with me?

Yesterday, I was in Target, with the same non-hairdo… and a really sweet young woman said, “Are you finished with your treatments?” I liked that she just came right out and asked. We had a nice conversation. She also was a breast cancer survivor… having had cancer in her early 30’s. I really admire young women who have to go through all this, and still be a mom, and take care of little children.

9/30/06 - Spiritual Energy

2006-09-30T20:48:00.000-04:00

I’ve been reading the Celestine Prophecy… a book Ric wanted me to read a long time ago, but we couldn’t find it. A friend recently loaned me the book. I’m finding it really fascinating. It talks about “coincidences.” So often we dismiss coincidences as just a chance happenings and nothing more. But perhaps we should look at them as God’s guiding hand… and be open to even more coincidences, so that we may more quickly understand and follow a path on which God is leading us.

I’m also fascinated by the insight about energy… harmful ways of acquiring energy (like exerting power over another person) and good ways of acquiring energy (absorbing the beauty in nature, mindful eating, etc.)… and that we can give energy to other people. I’m still trying to sort it all out, and apply what I’m reading.

Yesterday I was at the gas pump, and someone pulled in front of me, so close I would have difficulty getting out, because there were cars in line behind me too. (Gas was $2.10/gallon… thus the line!) I felt myself getting annoyed with the woman, and realized energy was just going away from me. Upon that realization, I did see that with a little maneuvering I could still get out, so I stopping sweating and stewing over this now obviously minor problem… pumped the gas… and left happy.

Seeing Red

Radiation side effect: The place under my collar bone is really deep red and sore… like a hot iron’s been pressed on my skin. I keep putting Aquaphor and Hydrocortisone on it… and have found that Aleve or Advil helps too.

Mokie & Dot

It’s nighttime now… and raining. The sound of the rain feels good. The sights, smells, and even sounds of nature are energy producing! Once again I’m understanding what I’ve been reading. It’s better to get our energy from nature, food, pets, etc. than to take it from other people, in subtle or not so subtle power struggles. God provides us with a multitude of ways to become energized in a healthy way, without jeopardizing other people.

It even makes sense to me now why I feel so peaceful when the cats meet me at the door… or having a purring cat on my lap, gazing into my eyes, loving my touch… she’s sending energy to me! That’s why, for many people, it’s healthy both physically and psychologically to have a pet! Aha!

9/29/06 - TV Interview

2006-09-29T20:47:00.000-04:00

The interview on WSAZ-TV aired yesterday. Again, I’m impressed with how they narrow down an hour interview to 4 minutes or so and nicely capture the essence of what was said. Dr. Plants made the point that it may seem to some people that the doctor doesn’t spend much time with the patient… but hours and hours by many different medical professionals go into the treatment planning phase. (Actually Dr. Plants did spend a lot of time with me on the first visit, explaining the process and answering questions.) Penny explained how my workday begins with a visit to Charleston Radiation… and then there was footage of me lying on the radiation treatment table. Of course I wasn’t really receiving a treatment, but we wanted to give folks an idea of what it was like. Footage was also shown of the computer and development of the radiation treatment plan according to the CT scan. Dr. Plants did such a wonderful job of explaining the process in terms we could all understand. Penny reiterated for me how important it is for all women to receive routine breast exams and mammograms… reminding folks that I felt completely healthy, with no signs of anything being wrong… and that the mammogram I had in January was the only thing that told me I had cancer. Otherwise, the cancer would still be growing in my body!

Just Cure It

Two breast cancer survivors I had become acquainted with through e-mail are part of a team going to Philadelphia on October 6 to take part in the “3 Day”… a 60 mile walk, which takes place over three days… to raise money for and awareness about breast cancer. They were having a fundraiser today to help with their travel expenses. I went to it because I was eager to meet them personally and do a little to help them out. What a joy to meet Sherry and Jane Ann! They not only survived breast cancer at a very young age, with little children to care for… but they’ve reached a point where they are going to walk sixty miles in three days! I remember when Sherry first e-mailed me about the event. I was still undergoing chemotherapy, and knew that the severe side effects were temporary, and that I would not always be sick… but in the back of my mind I thought I would always be tired. When Sherry told me she was going to walk 60 miles… I thought “Wow… there will be a time when I fully recover!” She inspired me to know I would be able to exercise again and maybe even accomplish amazing goals! There are six women on their team… their team name is “Just Cure It.”

9/25/06 - Charleston Radiation Therapy

2006-09-25T20:47:00.000-04:00

Began 6th week of radiation treatments this morning. Last Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat… extremely tired and fatigued. It was difficult to get out of bed every morning… and I just plodded through the days… coming home after work to nap… yet still unable to sleep. That always confounds me. How can I be so tired and yet not sleep? I even have trouble going to sleep at night.

Now it’s been two days without radiation treatments and one day off work… I’m feeling better today. The area just below my collar bone is quite red and very, very itchy and stinging. I’m getting used to not scratching… instead I just grit my teeth and say “Eeeeeeeek”! Almost finished though… this week and next… then I’ll be done.

Penny Moss from WSAZ did another follow-up interview today… at radiation therapy. Dr. Plants also took part in the interview. He did such a terrific job. He’s a doctor who is really passionate about his work. You can tell Dr. Plants just loves what he does. I like being treated by a doctor who loves his job! As part of the interview process, we went to several different areas of the radiation department… and I got to see some behind-the-scenes work that goes on. Wow! So much more than I realized. There’s a whole team who works together to develop the radiation treatment plan for each patient. It makes me feel safe knowing how carefully the treatment is planned… and makes me proud that we have the latest technology right here in West Virginia. It was also cool to be in the treatment room and look around and hear an explanation of how everything works… usually I just see the ceiling and the top of the machine!

The interview will air on WSAZ-TV this Thursday at 5:30 pm.

9/18/06 - Carol Paxton

2006-09-18T20:46:00.000-04:00

Shortly after I was diagnosed, I received an e-mail from someone who had been dealing with colon/liver cancer and treatments for nearly a year… Carol. She thanked me for sharing my breast cancer diagnosis with the public, and encouraged me to keep talking about it. She also said, “I have no magic solution to our problem, Jeanne, but I know, as well as you do, that we have to let go and let God take care of us right now. We are in that master plan, even though we don’t understand it right now.” I was still very scared at that time… and her words rang true to me… and comforted me. Carol told me that she was going to the David Lee Cancer Center for her treatments… the same place I would be going for the first time that very day. She said, “If you ever just want to talk, I would really like that.”

We exchanged a couple more emails that day… ending with her telling me she would be at the Cancer Center that afternoon for blood work, and maybe we would run into each other. And we did! Carol, Ric and I talked until one of us was called by the nurse. She kindly and sweetly answered all my questions… shared her experience… and was just really helpful and encouraging.

We continued to exchange e-mails for a while. As I approached my first chemotherapy treatment with apprehension and some concerns, she patiently detailed what the chemo treatments were like… so that I would know more about what to expect… everything from accessing the port to administering the chemo… to suggestions for packing a goody bag with drinks, snacks and a book to read… and even answered that all-important question – yes, you can go to the bathroom during the chemo delivery!

I felt so comfortable asking Carol questions. She never made me feel like I was bothering her… she seemed to actually delight in answering every little question and addressing every concern that I had. She wrote, “Write anytime. It is always nice to hear from you. If you feel like it in a few days, email me and let me know how you are. I will be saying a little prayer for you and your family.” She prepared me well for my first treatment. She eased my fears. She made me more ready to accept the healing that was already at work. She was an angel during a time I needed one.

Carol also sent another angel to me… her friend, Paula… who is a breast cancer survivor. And Paula, too, has been a friend and a wealth of information as well. Carol was so thoughtful… even in dealing with her own illness… she made sure I had someone I could talk with who understood my kind of cancer. Now that is a generous, loving spirit!

I received word today from Paula that Carol died on Sunday morning. I'm so heartbroken... for Carol, her husband, her children, and friends. She never got the opportunity to know what it was like to feel good again, watch her hair grow back, or any of the exciting "little" things that happen with recovery. I’m thinking of all kinds of things she didn’t get to do. But maybe since she knew she was going to die, she did get to do many things that brought her heart comfort. I didn’t know her well enough to know what she loved and what made her laugh. About pulling through or not making it, my friend said Carol told her “Don’t worry, I am going to be fine either way.” And I know she is. Yet I sit here with a broken heart, crying and not fully understanding. My faith tells me she's fine... but still, all of the "why" questions run through my mind. I know that I was blessed to have met Carol.

Ric and I just went on the air together. I thought we would ignore what I learned moments ago, and talk about something altogether different. But we didn’t… because the only thing that mattered at the moment was Carol and her family.

Ric told me after our time on the air, that if I asked God, He would send a sign to me that Carol is okay. Ric said that God is not so removed from us that he does not want to communicate with us... He's right here with us. I came back upstairs and it appears as though my "sign" is several e-mails I’m receiving right now from our V100 family! Yes, Carol is fine now… able to see that master plan she first spoke to me about. Her hand is in God’s hand. And the spirit of Carol Paxton will never go away… her spirit is still alive and well in all whose lives she touched.

9/15/06 - Sudoku

2006-09-15T20:43:00.000-04:00

Sudoku. Everywhere I go I see Sudoku books. The bookstore has a stack of them displayed on a table; there are rows and rows of Sudoku books on the shelves; there’s a magazine section devoted to Sudoku puzzles. For months now I’ve wondered what it is… and what makes it so popular. I’ve flipped briefly through a book or two and scanned the pages filled with little squares and numbers, not having a clue how one would begin to know how to fill in the blanks. Now, these little puzzles are showing up in the newspaper. Today, I stopped and read the instructions at the bottom of the puzzle: Fill in the empty squares so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains each of the numbers from 1 to 9 exactly once. What? That’s all there is to it? I can do that.

This, my first Sudoku, was medium level… but should be no problem. Well, needless to say, it was a bit more challenging than I figured. Filled in a few boxes quickly. Then I really had to think and play and calculate to come up with the solution. Eventually, I started to speedily fill in the numbers… only to find I had two 4’s in one 3x3 square. Now, it wasn’t like a crossword puzzle where you could erase a couple letters… it was math for heaven sakes… and I had no idea what to do except to start over. Instead I found yesterday’s newspaper and started a brand new one. Used the same logic, but thought it would be speedier since I now had a practice run under my belt. Same thing though… filled in some quickly… got stalled… then the numbers seemed to magically work their way through the puzzle… only now I had two 9’s in the same row. Time to gather up the newspapers for recycling!

Ric called on his way home from work, picked me up and we went to the… bookstore! The first thing that caught my eye was the table of Sudoku books. I picked up an “Introduction” to Sudoku, knowing there must be some logic that escaped me… after all I was a reasonably intelligent woman… or was I? I read the first page, and discovered that there was indeed another logic to apply to solve these puzzles! Another way of reasoning that I had not even considered! Which caused me to realize… that’s why I have trouble solving all kinds of problems and waste so much time worrying. I can see only one way to resolve a problem, and no other way even enters my head… I can see no other options! When another option is shown to me, it’s “Ah, why didn’t I think of that?” But I can’t see it on my own. If my way of reasoning works… great… a problem solved. If not… that’s when I worry.

I asked Ric about this… my ever so wise husband. He told me that I was right, that I did have difficulty seeing other options. His suggestion was to see something as resolved, and work my way backwards to the problem… let the resolution process unfold… allow it to happen. Step outside the box and allow a different way of thinking to come to me. It’s hard for me to process all this… yet it makes sense. I’ll have to try it out on something. There’s bound to be a little itty bitty problem come my way soon. I need something on the easy level.

9/14/06 - For the Welfare of the Whole

2006-09-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning feeling much better, even though I didn’t get much sleep. I was still awake after midnight and awake again at 5:00 a.m. And except for the itchy skin, I felt really good all day.

I started reading Deepak Chopra’s book, “The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life.” He says that most of us keep shutting out thousands of experiences that could make transformation a reality, and if it weren’t for the enormous effort we put into denial, repression, and doubt, our lives would be a constant revelation. He also makes the point that reading about change has an effect at the level of thinking, while the level of feeling and the level of doing remain untouched. If we want to make changes we have to take action. So, tomorrow I’m going to work on remembering to make all decisions “for the good of the whole.” I don’t think I can keep more than one change at a time in my head… so I’ll just work on this one for now.

9/13/06 - Temp

2006-09-13T20:40:00.000-04:00

I was still feeling bad in the morning, and cancelled my radiation appointment. It was not a fun day. My chest is itching like crazy, mostly near my collar bone – from radiation treatments. I use hydrocortisone cream, but it only helps a little bit. I’ve had the itchy feeling for a few days, but it’s getting worse… more like little needles. Yuck, 4-1/2 more weeks of this. Time to start chanting, “It’s only temporary.”

I remember now sitting on the floor last night crying and saying I thought I was done with all this being sick. I told my kids last week I was going to have some itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy, tiny minor surgery. I had no idea at the time that I’d be down for three days!

9/12/06 - Bathrooms

2006-09-12T20:39:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I so wanted to stay in bed. But instead I went to 7:15 radiation appointment, then to work. I still felt tired, but a little better. I fixed my high-protein shake and drank it. Five minutes later, I was in the bathroom throwing up. I tried to do my air shift, but had to go throw up again. Ric came in and relieved me. I spent the rest of the day very, very sick. Ric called the doctor’s office and they said it was most likely a reaction from yesterday’s anesthetic. Ric got off work at 7 and brought home Phenergan.

What a horrible day. I expected this surgery to be a breeze. I hadn’t felt this sick since chemo… and was surprised I was experiencing this again.

Sometimes the only thing a person can feel grateful for is a nearby bathroom!

9/11/06 - Surgery #4

2006-09-11T20:38:00.000-04:00

Here we are at Surgi Care again. Not really nervous. Even though March was when I was here last, it seems routine. My surgi-cap is in my lap. Seems kinda silly to need it considering the little amount of hair I have. It’s the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. Dr. Phil is on the TV in the pre-op room. I could do without him trying to settle some petty dispute this morning. I forgot to leave my contacts out, so I’m waiting for some cups and saline solution. The nurse put the IV in my hand. After all I’ve been through, I still can’t look when it’s inserted. I’m ready for Ric to come be with me now… and here he is!

Next thing I know, surgery’s over. Felt a little pain, but not bad.

By the time I got to the car, I needed the pain medication! Otherwise I felt really good. Took a nap when I got home… slept for two hours. Felt great when I woke up… until I rolled over. Whew! The local anesthetic had worn off. Except for the localized pain, I still felt pretty good. I think when I take the pressure bandage off in the morning, I’ll feel much better. Got sleepy again around 9:00 and went to bed. Radiation again tomorrow at 7:15 a.m.

9/10/06 - Doing Too Much

2006-09-10T20:35:00.001-04:00

Came back from Snowshoe this afternoon. Mom C. had a fantastic dinner ready for us.

Tomorrow will be a busy morning. Radiation treatment at 7:30 a.m., then surgery to remove the chemo port at 8:30.

Karin Fuller’s column in the Charleston Gazette was about multi-tasking… and the absurdity of it! I recall years ago when I was doing the monthly billing at work and loaded a few hours worth of bills to print, then went home and put a load of laundry in the wash, and then took my daughter to dance class. On the way in the car, I was thinking about what an amazing woman I was… I had set two projects into motion and was doing another… 3… I was doing 3 things at once! Yeah, me! And then it occurred to me that this was a crazy lifestyle… too hectic… trying to do too much at one time… and wondering when I was going to slow down and enjoy the things I do.

Years later, I’m still “proud” of my multi-tasking capabilities. Until I catch myself. Why is there always so much to do?

The anniversary of 9/11 will be tomorrow. I remember 5 years ago when Ric called to me in another room, “A plane hit the World Trade Center!” We sat side by side on the sofa, watching the rest unfold… hardly believing what we were seeing.

The time to slow down and enjoy life is now.

9/9/06 - Snowshoe Mountain

2006-09-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

What a delightful day. Started with breakfast in the outdoor café… crisp cool air. Enjoyed some fantastic blues music. Rode the ski lift with Ric. Still scary. I love when we get to the bottom… and not just because I can get off the ski lift. That’s where there’s a beautiful lake surrounded by pines… hammocks in the woods… and I found some hiking trails this trip. Oh, it felt so good to walk the trails… one of my favorite things in life. And this time I had the stamina to do it! That was a good feeling too.

On the way back up, Ric was telling me to relax and enjoy the scenery. I was thinking, “You can stop this thing now… I’ll walk the rest of the way up the hill… uh, the mountain… uh, maybe I can ride it out.” I spotted a deer below us and pointed it out to Ric (who thought I wasn’t seeing anything.) He turned around to see it. It scares me when he moves too much… I’m afraid he’ll fall out.

We had a super, wonderful dinner with our V100 winners… Vanessa and John, Mary and Steve, Cathy and Tony. Good food and good fellowship. It’s fun getting to know each other. We were seated outside, and the cold of the night is the only thing that caused us to retire for the night. It was a really good time.

9/8/06 - Perception

2006-09-08T20:33:00.000-04:00

Nevermind!

Got to work today… and yesterday’s problems… are not problems afterall. The e-mail did in fact go to the correct winner. The other person with the same name had not even entered the contest… someone told her they heard her name on the radio, and she thought she might have won something.

And the American Idol tickets. They arrived this morning… and there are tickets for everyone who won. I just forgot about having given them away.

I got exactly one hour’s sleep last night. Spent the night worrying about how I was going to fix everything. Turns out there wasn’t anything that needed fixing. I perceived there to be problems when there weren’t any! So Jeanne. When will you ever learn to trust God to take care of you?

I guess I’m so aware of other people’s serious problems… which don’t seem to be relieved or resolved… and I think, “Who am I to expect my problems to be resolved? Why should I be exempt?” The truth is we are all “exempt” at times… and sometimes the problem doesn’t go away, but we have to work through it. Either way… we’re always in God’s hands. And that’s what I need to remember. When I am in a helpless situation, there’s nothing else I can do but rest in God’s care, until I’m in a position to either work my way through to find an answer… or find there’s really nothing to worry about afterall.

9/7/06 - What a Mess

2006-09-07T20:32:00.000-04:00

We had a contest on the radio this week for a trip, which has resulted in some major confusion. We drew names of three winners, and it appears that there are two people with the same name from the same town. I sent an e-mail to one, and followed up with a phone call… to the other person… thinking they were one and the same. I was unable to reach the one who didn’t win. Will she be angry tomorrow when I tell her she was not the winner?

Another person e-mailed about American Idol tickets, which she won a couple months ago… and wants to know if the tickets have come in yet. I don’t even remember giving any away! Oh dear. There were so many days when I was undergoing chemotherapy that I felt just plain foggy. Another one to be resolved tomorrow.

***

It’s 2:00 am. I can’t get to sleep because I’m so worried about getting these problems resolved tomorrow. I try not to think about them… but the more I try… the more I think. I can’t figure out how to solve the problems, because I don’t have all the facts yet. Sleep Jeanne sleep. Nothing can be done now. Please God, clear my brain… let me trust that’ll it’ll all work out… somehow.

3:00… I’m still awake.

4:00… I’m still awake.

9/6/06 - A Watched Pot Never Boils

2006-09-06T20:30:00.000-04:00

Every morning and every night, I look closely in the mirror to see how much my hair has grown. It seems to have stopped growing! Or is it that I look too much? It’s hard to watch hair grow! It’s not that I need to have hair to feel well… it’s more like a little kid waiting to open presents!

Surgery is scheduled for Monday morning to remove the infuse-port… ‘cause I won’t need it anymore! Yeah! It was really good to have it… made chemo much easier. But I’ll also be glad to have it out too. When riding in the passenger side of the car, the seat belt goes right across it, and it’s sometimes uncomfortable lying on my right side. So that’ll be a relief.

I had an uncomfortable work assignment today. The political candidate who pointed her finger in my face and told me that I would look better in a wig (at the Susan G. Komen Race earlier this year), came into the station today to record her commercial for running for office. I was assigned to record her. I was polite and professional, but I didn’t introduce myself. I was wearing a wig this time. She either didn’t recognize me or didn’t remember me. Did the job and was as pleasant as I could stand to be. :-)

9/5/06 - Who's That Looking Back at Me?

2006-09-05T20:29:00.000-04:00

11th radiation treatment today. One-third of the way through. So far so good. Skin a little pink. No pain.

Watched Katie Couric’s first CBS Evening News broadcast. She’s awesome.

Dot was on my lap this evening and I was petting her. I saw my reflection in her eyes and was surprised to see my own nearly bald head. It’s funny… it’s been five months since I lost my hair and from time to time I’m still startled when I see myself sans a head full of curly hair.

9/3/06 - A Star is Born... or Two or Three

2006-09-03T20:28:00.000-04:00

‘Twas our Labor Day celebration today – kids and grandkids came to visit. Mom C made potato salad and baked beans. Ric grilled hamburgers, hot dogs, and brats. Jill and Daniel brought dessert. Nic taught us how to peel a banana the way monkeys do it… pinch the end twice in opposite directions… then viola… the peel comes right off!

While all the other adults were cooking… Tierra taught me some cheers. After dinner, we set up a theater in the living room, and Tierra, Sophie and I performed for the rest of the gang. It was so much fun. We got a standing ovation!

I didn’t realize until the end of the day that I had almost enough energy to keep up with the girls through the practices and the performance. I’ve come a long way towards healing!

What a blessed day.

9/2/06 - Conversations

2006-09-02T20:22:00.001-04:00

The first WV college football game of the season was today… and a huge rivalry… WVU vs. Marshall. The game was being played in Morgantown… and tickets sold out right away. So, thousands of fans were not able to go see the game live. However… since baseball season was over yesterday, the football game was shown on the giant video board at the baseball park. Admission was free, and a couple thousand people, including Ric, Nic, Mom Cochran, and I, went to the ballpark to watch the game. It’s fun to watch a game like this in a crowd… and be part of the clapping, cheering… just getting caught up in the atmosphere and excitement.

This conversation took place mid-way through the game:

Mom C: Why don’t they play on their own field?

Ric: (assuming she was talking about Marshall)
Well, next year they will.

Mom C: Why not now?

Ric: Well, in order to have a game, they have to play together.

Mom C: I don’t get it.

Poor lady… we had her so confused. She thought WVU was located in Charleston… and both colleges and fans drove to Morgantown for the game… instead of playing the (football) game, right here on their “home” field at the baseball park!

And later, at home:

Mom C: Is anybody hungry?

Jeanne: Oh, no.

Nic: No way, I’m too full.

Ric: Noooooooo. I’ve had too much to eat already.
Can’t eat anything else.

Mom C: Are you sure?

All: Yes! Nothing else. No thanks.

I left the room to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Came back into the family room to say goodnight to everyone. Mom C was serving the guys grilled cheese sandwiches! Guess she talked them into being hungry!

9/1/06 - Changes

2006-09-01T20:21:00.000-04:00

Finished up the second week of radiation. No treatment on Monday (holiday). I’m glad – a chance for some skin healing. I’m not red, but breast is very tender and underarm is a bit sore. I’ve been doing stretches as instructed by Dr. Plants. He said the skin and underlying tisse would tighten up during radiation treatments. I’m definitely feeling that lately… so doing extra stretches.

Today was the last Hawaiian shirt day for the season at work. It was also suggested that we could wear blue & gold or green & white to show our support for WVU or Marshall for the big game tomorrow. Extra points would be awarded for a Hawaiian shirt with the WVU or Marshall logo. I couldn’t come up with that… but I did wear my game shirt and a lei. It was the best I could do. There were several folks here who just didn’t get it right away… I heard someone say, “Why is she wearing a lei?” And the response… “Dummy…she’s combined both the big game and Hawaiin shirt day!” It was fun. The thing itched like crazy, but I wore it all day!

Thanks to my friend, Cher, I now have a better protein supplement to take. Optimum Nutrition’s High-Protein Meal Shake has more protein than the Boost I was drinking and much less sugar and carbohydrates… 35 grams of protein, 1 g sugar and 3 g carbs. I got vanilla flavor so I can mix it occasionally with berries, bananas, or peanut butter.

Nic came down today. His head is shaved… so I have more hair than he does. We laughed about that. We look a lot alike now, except for the beard and mustache. Guess I’ll shave tomorrow. J

First day of September, and the weather changed abruptly from summer to fall. Much cooler today… and quite chilly tonight… needed a light jacket. I love the change of seasons.

8/30/06 - What do Dreams, Umbrellas, Underwear and Blue Bags Have in Common?

2006-08-30T20:14:00.001-04:00

My wigs and hats are driving me nuts lately. Itchy and uncomfortable. I suppose that’s a sign that I’m feeling better… the head gear is bothersome, because nothing else really is!

However, I was really quite tired today, even though I had a good night’s sleep. I assume it’s a side-effect of the radiation that the doctor told me about. I kept thinking I would feel better as I went on with the day, but I stayed tired. Went home and took a nap after work. Had the funniest dreams. I dreamed that the General Manager of our company was sitting in the family room with my mother-in-law. He was in a recliner chair (even though we don’t own one) with his feet up and asked me to fix him some soup! I was afraid to ask him what he was doing there or how long he planned to stay, fearing I would hurt his feelings. I also dreamed that I kept finding beautiful shoes in my closet, one pair after another, but they were all too big for me… then my mother told me they were her shoes. In reality that made sense, because I’m 5’7” and wear a size 7 shoe, my mom is 5’2” and wears an 8-½ shoe. Goofy naptime entertainment.

We went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday this evening… and provided our own unplanned entertainment:

Once Ric picked up a folded-up black umbrella off the prize table and started to talk into it, thinking it was the wireless microphone. Ric’s mom said, “I can’t laugh at him doing that. Sometimes I pick up the TV remote control and start punching numbers to make a phone call!”

Another time I asked my friend Cher if she has a special closet for all her shoes (because she has so many great ones). She said she has shoes in every closet in the house… and owns more shoes than underwear. I said, “Well of course we don’t need as many pairs of underwear because we can just wash them when we need more.” And she laughingly replied, “Or just don’t wear any!” We all screamed and laughed at that. I then told about a wedding reception where I overheard a young girl in a bathroom stall tell her friends, “I just loooooove going without underwear,” and several of her friends replied, “Me too.” I went back to the reception and told Ric and our friend Matt, “Those girls out there dancing? Most of them aren’t wearing underwear.” Ric and Matt’s eyes got big and their mouths dropped open, and their eyes remained fixed on the dance floor for most of the rest of the evening.” There’s more… Later in the evening (at WWW) I heard Cher laughing hysterically. Mom Cochran (84 years old) had just told her, “If I had a body like you, I wouldn’t wear underwear either.”

(I just think it’s terrific that an “80 something” lady can join in the fun and frivolity of a bunch of women relieving life’s stresses. She could have easily pooh-poohed the underwear talk… but instead added her own spice to the conversation!)

In the last hour of the evening at WWW we give away prizes every 5-10 minutes. I was sitting at the V100 table and saw Cher and Ric pick up a bright blue bag. Cher remarked that she didn’t know who donated it to be given away. Ric said he didn’t know either, but they coupled the bag with some baseball tickets… called out a number and gave them away to a very appreciative winner. After WWW was wrapped up, Matt was packing up all the equipment and loading it in the van. He had a little pile of microphones and other equipment and asked, “Has anybody seen that blue bag I pack this stuff in?” We all burst out laughing. All together we said, “We gave it away as a prize!!!” Not believing us of course, Matt looked under tables and behind chairs, searching for the bag. After we convinced him we gave it away, he went looking for the lady who won the “prize.” Ric traded her a restaurant gift certificate for the blue bag. She was glad to give up the bag and her husband said, “I thought that thing looked a little chintzy.”

8/29/06 - Ready... or Not?

2006-08-29T20:13:00.000-04:00

Wigs and hats are so irritating to me lately. I just usually go around the house with my quarter inch of fine, thin hair. Mom C and I had been watching TV and talking. Ric called and said he was on his way home, and wanted to take us out for a bite to eat, and for us to just come out and meet him in the driveway. Mom C said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Me, too… I just have to put shoes on.” We stood up to go, and I said, “Oh! And hair!” Some people go out of the house, and grab a jacket or a sweater. I grab some hair.

8/28/06 - Sunday

2006-08-28T20:10:00.000-04:00

We went to our company picnic at the ballpark today. It was stifling hot, but fun to be with co-workers and not working. It’s a chance to relate on another level and laugh together… and spend time with the spouses of the folks we work with.

At Ric’s urging, Mom Cochran sang “The 7th Inning Stretch (“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”) and was on the video board. What a champ! She said she was nervous, but you couldn’t tell – she just stepped up to the plate (no pun intended) and sang!

Monday

Began second week of radiation this morning. Still easy. Still no skin irritation. A little tired, but not bad. By evening I’ll feel just fine.

Mom C cooked dinner for us – baked chicken, corn-on-the-cob, homemade applesauce.

Teays Maids came today to clean. And they thoroughly cleaned… a good ole spring cleaning. Sparkling clean, and smells great. They used Murphy’s Oil Soap on the hardwood floors.

What a treat! Came home to a clean house and lovely dinner… and I didn’t have to lift a finger. I could get used to this. We ate in our freshly painted dining room – by the window, with candles. A nice evening.

Both children called to see how I was and let me know how the grandchildren’s first day of school went. Yep, I’m blessed. Very blessed.

8/25/06 - Friday Night

2006-08-26T20:08:00.000-04:00

Ric’s mom came to visit us for a while. It was so good to see her. We all went to the Lighthouse Café this evening… and enjoyed wonderful live music. Ric does such a great job of bringing lots of local talent in to perform… and the church has done a fantastic job of setting the atmosphere and providing a warm welcome to all who come.

Saturday

Teays Maids are coming Monday morning to clean the house… compliments of my co-workers. I told Mom Cochran they would be here. I went to work early in the morning to do part of my work, then left to go buy some cat food. I dropped it off at the house before going back to work… but Mom C didn’t even know I was there… because she was in the family room running the vacuum! When I got up this morning, she was outside cleaning the deck furniture! She’s 84… or 83.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back. Yippee! I can’t believe they’re growing back so quickly. They just finished completely falling out (I had three or four that had been hanging on) and now they’re coming back already. I told Ric… he said that’s because I’m healing. I recently read in a book that was given to me “There’s No Place Like Hope,” that we should remember that when the process of losing our hair has begun – the process of saving our life has too. So the process of growing it back means we’re well on our way to returning to a “normal” life. I always put the word normal in quotes, because (1) I think no one is really normal, and (2) I truly want my life to be changed by having had cancer… I hope I’ll be a better person than I was before. But I am glad that chemotherapy and the heavy medication days are behind me, and of course I’ll be glad when the radiation treatments are finished as well.

Also in that same book I read “Learn early to look at what surgery, chemo, or radiation is going to do FOR you instead of TO you. That makes all the difference.” And certainly I’m grateful for all the treatments available to cure cancer. Some of them, especially chemotherapy, are difficult to deal with… but I’ll be forever grateful that it was available for me!

The hair returning, the dry skin healing, nails looking better… all “outside”/”body” stuff… but it is a reflection of the way I feel inside – back to being fully aware, more energetic, regaining my health, and rid of cancer.

8/24/06 - Seeing Red

2006-08-24T20:07:00.001-04:00

Radiation was at 6:40 this morning… way too early for Jeanne. Starting tomorrow morning all appointments from now on will be 7:20. I can handle that.

I was so tired today. I don’t think the alarm going off at 5:30 a.m. accounted for all the fatigue I felt. Must be the radiation treatment having an effect. To be expected.

Even though I was tired, I came home and took all the furniture, curtains, and accessories that had been stashed in the guest room, and brought them back into the living/dining room. I still have some trim work to finish up, but Mom Cochran is coming to stay with us for a few weeks and I’m sure she would prefer not to sleep between Ric and I.

The red walls, white fireplace look gorgeous. It was a risk painting the walls red – there were so many shades to choose from – but it turned out just the way we wanted… with the look we had imagined. Ric had the idea to move the wicker furniture into the dining room area, and put the table by the big windows in the living room. It looks fantastic. The “den” is so cozy… and there’s a nice view from the table. The other side of the living room is our music area… with piano and guitars. It’s an unconventional arrangement, but it suits us and we like it.

When we moved into the house last year, I planned to take the wallpaper off the bathroom walls first – because it was the smallest area to deal with, then move onto the kitchen… and do the living room/dining room/hallway area last because it would be the biggest job. I recall now how my plan got reversed. I saw one little turned-up corner of wallpaper, and tugged on it just a bit…

8/23/06 - Time to Pay Up

2006-08-23T20:04:00.000-04:00

Today was the first time I had an opportunity to go to Magistrate Court to try to get the judge to drop the charges for the ticket I received last Tuesday. For days I’ve been preparing in my head what I needed to tell him or her:

· I didn’t know the registration had expired because the renewal form was not forwarded to our new address

· Someone at work did alert me to the expired inspection sticker a couple months ago, but I just forgot about it because I’ve been busy and under stress

· I had no criminal intent, and the law that I (unintentionally) violated did not put other people in jeopardy

· I have an excellent driving record and that should be taken into consideration

· I just don’t have the money right now to pay a fine… with all the medical bills I’ve recently incurred. (Yep, I was even ready to play the “cancer card”)

I wore my prettiest blouse today for my “court appearance”. Ric laughingly suggested I wear a hat or scarf that would give a hint to my bald head. But I wore my favorite wig instead. I didn’t really think any of those would do much good, but what the heck. I’ve been fretting and worrying all week about how much this fine would be. I thought about having worked three remotes last week, tired at the end of the day, and swollen ankles… and figured the extra money I made for all that work, would all go to pay for this stupid ticket.

I went to the wrong courthouse first. (See, I’m not a bad person… I didn’t even know where to go!) Walked into a room with probably 100 people waiting. I couldn’t see where to sign in… so I asked someone who was waiting… then found my way back to a room with only two people ahead of me. Both of those people appeared to be irritating the judge with their explanations of why their charges should be dropped… and I thought… oh no, he’s not going to be a happy man when it’s my turn. A police officer took my ticket, receipt for current vehicle inspection, and my newly renewed vehicle registration, and took them back to the judge. He returned about one minute later, and handed me the receipt and registration, smiled and said “You can go, ma’am… it’s been dismissed.” “I don’t have to explain anything?” I asked. “No, it’s been dismissed.”

Wow, was I a happy girl! That was so easy.

All that worrying for nothing. Sleepless nights for nothing.

Time to Replace

I found the time also today to fill in the information on the Dell computer website, to return my “recalled” battery. When I entered the entire number… the message “no need for replacement” popped up. I thought it was a mistake at first, but on a closer reading, I realized that my battery contained a part number that might be affected… so the entire part number submission indicated whether or not the battery was one involved in the recall.

So another thing that turned out good! (I actually hadn’t been worrying about this one… there is hope for me yet!)

8/22/06 - Fuzz Becomes Hair

2006-08-22T20:03:00.000-04:00

Had a check-up with Dr. Cohen today… he confirmed what I already knew… I’m doing fine! Second radiation treatment today… just as easy today, and quicker.

Ric was teasing me today about what he called fuzz balls on top of my head… and I told him it’s not fuzz… it’s hair! Actually, I realized my former peach fuzz IS hair. I expected my hair to come back in like hair does that’s been shaved… stubby and rough. Now I know that this is my new hair… it just started fine… like baby hair. It’s about ¼” long now… and really soft. Ric teases me, “Yeh, but can you brush it, run a comb through it, part it?” No, not yet. When I can though… he’ll be the first to know. And when my hair’s longer than Ric’s again, I’ll point that out as well.

8/21/06 - First Radiation Treatment

2006-08-21T20:02:00.000-04:00

My first radiation treatment was today. I didn’t sleep well last night… I tossed and turned and just felt very agitated. I was still a little nervous this morning, even though I tried not to be. Turns out of course that there was no need to be frightened. The treatment was very easy and painless, just as I had been told. The technicians were very friendly and nice… so once again I find myself in good hands at CAMC. My appointments this week are at various times, but starting next week they’ll be early in the morning, before I go to work… which is just what I wanted. So I’ll have a new “morning routine” for the next 6½ weeks. Getting up early will be the most difficult part of the radiation treatments!

RD857

I finally logged onto the Dell website to find out if the battery in my laptop was among those being recalled. I printed out the information including the list of numbers of batteries being recalled and checked it against the number on my battery. Oh my gosh… my number is there! I’ve been using a computer with one of the batteries that could catch on fire!

I’m typing on my flat little friend right now, but with the battery removed and the power cord plugged in. I’ll order a replacement. Sometimes I go for several days in a row without reading the newspaper. Thank goodness I read the newspaper last Tuesday.

8/20/06 - Reaching Out

2006-08-20T20:01:00.001-04:00

Ric and Steve played guitar and sang at the Summer Festival in Winfield… presented by the Crossroads Community Church. Ric also had them set up a Susan G. Komen table for me to hand out literature about breast cancer, and Komen merchandise to sell. I don’t like selling things. If my occupation involved sales, I would starve. But it turned out to be okay… people were happy to buy the pink ribbon ballcaps and wristbands knowing that the money supported a good cause. Some people didn’t buy anything, but donated money. Almost everyone mentioned someone they knew who has dealt with breast cancer… mother, sister, cousin, friend… seems everyone, male or female, knows someone who has or has had this disease.

Also, I met many nice people from the church. Their church has been meeting at Winfield High School for years. They have a Building Fund set up to eventually build a church. They want their ministry to be outreach to the community, and they decided not to wait until they had a building to do their ministry. So they keep drawing from the building fund to minister in the community… saying, “Oh well, maybe someday will have a building… maybe not… whatever happens is okay. Buildings create maintenance and expenses. We can do our ministries either way.” A church that’s not dependent on a building… pretty cool.

A Little Anxiety

Radiation treatments begin tomorrow. Even though I’d educated myself about radiation months ago, I’ve been reading more and more this week. There’s some controversy about antioxidant vitamins during radiation treatments, because there is evidence that antioxidants may protect cancer cells during radiation therapy. Dr. Plants says not to use them… and most of what I’ve read agrees. What else will I do to help the treatments be effective? Go back to drinking Boost everyday… the kind with additional protein. Extra protein will be needed for the daily repair of normal cells that are destroyed in the radiation.

I know this will be easy, with very little side effects, if any. I’ve been trying to deny it all week… but I’m a little scared. Although I’ve read a lot, it’s still an unknown experience for me. Fear of the unknown. Just as God was with me in the numerous tests and the waiting for results, in the month of surgeries, and in the months of chemotherapy, God will be with me in the radiation therapy. So there is nothing to fear. This is another step in the healing.

It’ll be cinchy.

“…Those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar
on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and
not be faint.”
--Isaiah 40:30-31

8/17/06 - Just Pretend

2006-08-17T20:00:00.000-04:00

Today was the day for the radiation “simulation”… where radiation is set up to match the plan created from the CT scan. It was easy. Had three more tattoos though… this time a spider, a chain, and a teddy bear. Okay, it was three more little dots.

First treatment will be on Monday.

Ric came home from Pittsburgh this evening! Hooray!

8/15/06 - Popular Song

2006-08-15T19:59:00.000-04:00

Left work on time today, to go home to finish up the red trim in the living room… I need to paint while there’s still enough daylight coming through the windows to see well. I really want to finish that part before the week is over, and tomorrow I have to work 8-8, and Thursday 8-7 with a doctor appointment in the middle. So this is the day.

Instead…

Just as I was about to turn onto the road that led to home, I saw a State Trooper behind me with the lights on. Could he mean me? Apparently so. I got a ticket for expired registration and expired inspection sticker. I had no idea the registration had expired on 4/1. I guess the renewal didn’t make it to our new address. Someone at work did remind me a couple months ago that my inspection sticker had expired, and I intended to take care of that, but didn’t have time then, and eventually just forgot about it. I begged the officer not to give me a ticket, even telling him that I would take care of it all right away. He said he had no choice, because they were so far out of date. So I put the stupid ticket in my purse, and just sat there a cried a bit. Then I bucked up and decided to just go get things taken care of right then and there.

I went all the way across the city to the DMV to renew the registration, but I didn’t have last year’s receipts for property taxes… and they don’t have a computer system to check it! So I headed back home, but decided to stop and get the inspection taken care of. They couldn’t do the inspection, however, because the registration wasn’t current. Advised me to go to the courthouse a couple blocks away, where they could update the registration and pull up the property tax receipt. After driving around and around in circles trying to find a place to park, I went inside the courthouse. They could not renew the registration, because I didn’t have the renewal FORM that comes in the mail, and said I would have to go to the DMV. They at least were able to give me the property tax receipts, so I didn’t have to go home and get them. However… the last half of 2005 had not been paid yet, so I had to fork out $150 for that. How did that not get paid? I’m very organized and always pay bills on time… but today it’s like I haven’t done anything right. So with tax receipts in hand, I headed back across town, hoping to get to the DMV before they closed, but certainly not driving over the speed limit to get there.

I say this little prayer in my head, “Please God let me get there before they close, because I won’t have any time to do all this for the next two days… and if you really care about me, then you’ll make it happen… never mind, I’m sorry, I know that’s not fair… I need to trust and believe that you care… it’s okay if they’re closed… I won’t blame you, God.”

The DMV is still open! I fill out the paperwork and get the new registration… and am very grateful that this much is done. The place to get the inspection done is open till 7:00, so I still have plenty of time for that. My car passed inspection, but the man who takes care of the paperwork noticed that my insurance card says my car is a 2002 and the registration says 2003. The DMV apparently made a typo, so I have to get that fixed! I’ll give them a call tomorrow.

Nearly three hours later, I’m on the way home. I’m too frustrated to paint now, so that’s out for this week. But when I get back to the spot where the policeman stopped me, the fuel light comes on in my car… I’m nearly out of gas, and won’t have time during the next few days to get gas… so drive a little farther and spend the last of my money for a tank of gas. I feel so defeated.

After getting home, finally, I just sit down to watch mindless entertainment on TV. And voila’… the cable has been shut off! There was a mistake on our bill – cable company’s mistake - about a month ago, and Ric got it all straightened out. But now here we are again, with no cable.

So maybe if I just sit here and don’t move, nothing else will go wrong today.

Oh, I know… it’s just a bad day. None of these things are life-threatening or heart-breaking. Years from now I won’t even remember it.

Now I know why Daniel Powter’s song, “Bad Day” is so popular… and it’s not because it was the exit song for American Idol… it’s because we all have days like this one!

8/14/06 - Girls Gotta Talk

2006-08-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group here in Charleston this evening. Not that I felt like I needed support as such… but I did feel the need of the comradery of other women. (Guess that’s support, huh?) There were women there who were breast cancer survivors from 3 days to 20 years! It was a positive and happy group. Proof that life goes on. There were a few whose cancer had returned for a second time… but they’re dealing with it and expecting a complete recovery.

I’m still missing Ric – we call each other all throughout the day. Like teenagers in love. Nothing wrong with that.

8/13/06 - Tattoo Talk

2006-08-13T19:56:00.000-04:00

Ric’s vacation officially started today and he went to Pittsburgh to visit his family. I cried. We’re buddies… joined at the hip… best friends. I’m missing him already.

Jill and Daniel and Sophie came down to visit. We had a great time. Jill told me earlier this week that Tierra put a temporary tattoo on Sophie’s arm and since it hadn’t disappeared after several baths, Jill took it off with alcohol… and Sophie had a fit… saying “Where my tattoo?” I told Jill and Daniel to go out and have some time to themselves for a while, and I’d watch Sophie… and maybe take my little 2-year old granddaughter to get a real tattoo and her belly-button pierced! They left anyway… guess they didn’t believe me.

A little later I saw that Sophie had a temp tattoo on her belly. I asked her where she got it. She said, “Tierra.” Then she scrunched up her face and said in a louder, rougher voice as she pointed to her arm, “Mommy! No tattoo!” Me thinks she was still a bit miffed.

My right eye had been bothering me all day. I asked Jill if she could see anything in it, and she said there was a large bump on my eyelid. I took out my contacts (which enables me to see better close-up) and could see the nasty thing. You’d think, with cancer, chemo, and all… I’d get a grace period for a while from other little physical ailments! But no… now there’s another embellishment to the Pillsbury Doughboy look.

Ric and I talked on the phone several times today. I miss him… and would like to see my Pittsburgh family too. But I’m glad he’s having a good time… he works hard, misses his family, and deserves some fun.

8/12/06 - Bubbling Over

2006-08-12T19:54:00.000-04:00

I went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday at the Power Alley Grill earlier this week. I did one break on the radio with Ric, and then found myself sitting at a table with friends… and forgot all about the radio! I was having such a good time chatting and laughing with the girls. And I was feeling really healthy and energetic too! (Ric told me later he didn’t even want to “bother” me with the radio breaks because I looked so happy.) My friend Sandy just told me over and over how good I looked. I didn’t argue with her, because I felt good! Later, after we left the restaurant, I realized that Sandy and I met after my diagnosis and surgery, and perhaps even after chemo started… so she had never really seen me or known me to be “not sick”! Even on my best days after chemo, I was still somewhat weak, always tired, and sometimes nauseous or in pain… and definitely pale. It’s been almost a month since my last chemo, so I’ve had time to regain some zest and energy!

Running Out

On Friday, Ric and I went to the shopping area in Southridge. We both had errands to run in different directions, so I dropped Ric off and drove his jeep to Kohl’s. Twenty minutes later I headed back to pick him up and the “low coolant” light went on in his car. I picked him up and told him about the light. He drove from there and then more warning lights started to come on. We got out and looked… fluid was just coming out of the radiator in a steady stream. We tried to make it home, but the jeep died before we made it. So… called AAA to come to our rescue and had it towed. Two things Ric kept asking over and over: “Why did this have to happen two days before I leave for Pittsburgh?” and “What did you hit, Jeanne?” (I didn’t hit anything. I could understand why he thought I did. I left with a vehicle that was running perfectly… and came back with a broken one.)

Anyway, turns out the radiator split… who knows why… a part had to be ordered… repairs wouldn’t be completed in time for Ric’s trip. Of course Ric realized then that it was actually good that it happened before his trip rather than during. It’s easier to handle things like this at home.

Running Scared

This morning I heard this odd little squeal beside the chair I was in which I was sitting, reading, in the family room. I looked to the side and saw Dot looking under the chair. Thinking she lost some little toy underneath, I told her I’d get it in a second… waiting till I finished a chapter… or two.

I noticed she kept sitting there, occasionally trying to reach her toy… not giving up. So finally I decided to see what she wanted. I pushed the big leather chair to the side and saw this little gray mouse toy that I didn’t even remember having ever purchased for the cats… because I don’t like mouse toys that look real… AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It moved! It was a real mouse! I screamed so loud I scared the cat away, and the mouse went back under the chair. What do I do? What do I do? I don’t want to kill it. Even though I can’t stand the thought of a mouse in my house… yet I could see that it was too cute to harm.

Ric was at Enterprise making arrangements to rent a car for his trip to Pittsburgh (since his jeep wouldn’t be fixed for several days). I knew he was busy… but I made a frantic call to him anyway. He was silent at first, and then very calmly said, “I’ll have to get back to you on this.” (Later he would tell me he was just incredulous that I would bother him with a teeny tiny little mouse “problem” while he was in the middle of trying to work out car repairs and a car rental and trying to get to work on time and all… but just took a deep breath, and let me know it would be handled later.)

I had just recently talked with Jill about a mouse in her house, so I called her next. Suppressing giggles, she gave me a few options, including just trying to scoot it out the back door with a broom. I was sitting on a kitchen chair, with my bare feet up on it too… off the floor, so I went to the bedroom to get shoes AND socks! But realized I had to get to work too… so I left.

Ric came home later… simply guided the mouse into a shoebox… and dropped him off at the edge of the woods. Ric told me the little guy didn’t want to be in our house anymore than we wanted him there. When he got home, there was a cat on each side of the chair… and the mouse had been trapped there for hours. Now, even though I had been totally creeped out earlier, I was feeling sad and sorry for the little tiny gray ball of fur… with the beady eyes and sharp pointed little tail.

8/7/06 - The Top of My Head

2006-08-07T19:49:00.003-04:00

Monday morning and back to work. Although I’m feeling really good, I still have swollen ankles. I can’t figure out what’s causing this. I’ll make a call to the doctor’s office tomorrow and see if it’s anything to be concerned about. I also need to ask about the port… seems like I heard or read that after chemo’s over, it needs to be flushed once a month.

I painted this evening in the living room. Even though the AC is turned down, my head still gets hot when I work (physical labor). So I took off my hat. The front door was open to let more light in and curtains are down from the big windows. After a while I wondered if any of the neighbors or passersby saw my bald head. Oh well. I realized I didn’t really care. A girl should be able to be bald in her own house.

The peach fuzz on my head is getting longer… maybe it’s not fuzz… but hair! It’s so odd. I still can’t even tell what color it is… it’s very thin and fine. It looks kinda curly, but when I put lotion on my head (as I always do because it itches if I don’t) the hair stands straight up! It’s hilarious.

Purpose

I received in an e-mail recently from my “breast cancer friend in Pawley’s Island,” Pam… which contained this wonderful passage that I want to remember. It’s from the book Victorious Christian Living by Alan Redpath, sharing his insight on God’s master plan for our lives:

“There is nothing—no circumstance, no trouble, no testing—that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment; but as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.”

8/5/06 - Am I Conscious?

2006-08-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

Somehow I set my clock ahead one hour again. I don’t know how or why! I got up for work an hour earlier than I needed to… and I could have used the extra hour of sleep. I woke up during the night, because my left arm was hurting. I stretched, rolled from side to side, still aching. I put my arm up in the air, and then I opened my eyes. Through the moonlight I could see that it was swollen. Oh no! One of my fears – the onset of lymphedema! I turned on the lights, looked closely and compared it with my other arm. Yes… definitely swollen. What did I do to cause this? I didn’t lift anything heavy at the remote. I do remember twisting a straining just a bit with the tent. Could something that small have caused it? What do I do now? Dr. Plants said if swelling occurred, to take care of it asap, otherwise it usually becomes a chronic condition. I didn’t know what to do in the middle of the night except to prop my arm on a pillow, and keep it raised above heart level. If swelling not gone by morning, then I will call the doctor. Turned out it was gone by morning. Now I’m wondering… did that rally happen or did I dream it? No, I remember getting up and walking into the bathroom to make sure it was really swollen. Or was that part of a dream too?

At work today, I saw an ant in the studio. Now my mind is definitely playing tricks on me. As areas of numbness in my toes and feet are beginning to recover, I feel tingling sensations from time to time… but now I’m looking quickly to see if it’s ants crawling on me! No it’s not of course. But it’s a yucky feeling!

Ric and I went out for dinner, and for the first time since chemo began, I had shrimp… and salad too… delicious! Oh, and dessert! Now if I start to wonder whether this was real or not… I can find out by just getting on the scales tomorrow.

8/4/06 - Work and Play

2006-08-04T19:47:00.001-04:00

Good day at work… energy is returning. Had a remote broadcast after work. It was very hot outside, with high humidity. My ankles swelled. However, I wasn’t any more tired than anyone else dealing with the heat. I wore a wig to the remote, because the bangs cover my eyebrows, or rather the place where my eyebrows used to be. But never again, when I’m going to be working outside. The wig was just entirely too hot, and unbearably itchy. Next time I’m working outside in the heat… it’ll be a hat ‘n scarf. With no hair, eyelashes or eyebrows… yep, the Pillsbury Dough Boy look!

Sometimes I worry about not looking my best for public appearances, but Ric said, “Heck girl, you went public with your breast cancer… now don’t go out and try to hide what you’ve been through. Everybody understands. Besides you still look beautiful.” Ah, he knows all the right words.

Ric asked me if I wanted to go to see the movie, “Talladaga Nights, the Ballad of Ricky-Bobby.” I thought the funniest thing about the movie would be the title, but I was wrong. I laughed my head off. It was dumb comedy, I guess… but I got completely caught up in it. I was still laughing on the way home.

8/3/06 - Pedicures, Peaches and Stuff

2006-08-03T19:44:00.001-04:00

It’s been a good three days. Although I still get tired towards the end of the day, I’m feeling better and better every day. I realize that it takes a while to recover from chemo, so I understand the fatigue. Today, several of us from the radio station went to Stonewall Resort for a seminar. The traveling to and from was especially fun… we laughed a lot. The seminar was good, there was lots of good food, and Stonewall is just beautiful… so it was a different kind of workday… and I rather enjoyed it. Also, I realized how very far I’ve come physically… to be able to make the trip and be in the seminar all day. We did have numerous breaks, however, which made it a lot easier on my legs. I’ve had minimal pain anyway… not even enough to take any medication. Soon it will be gone altogether.

Last night Dot saw a moth in the window, and jumped from the floor, to me, to the window… and punctured four holes in my leg and arm with her claws. I was bleeding and had to use peroxide and antibacterial ointment and bandaids. She’s such a dumb cat. Mokie would never do that… she would have walked around to the window or jumped on the back of the chair. I was so mad at Dot. Yes, the same sweet little cat who would cuddle up to me during some of my most difficult chemo days. She just now jumped on the arm of the chair, put her little paws on my “injured” arm and looked in my eyes as if to say she’s sorry she’s so dumb. I’d already forgiven her anyway.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of a pedicure at Tracy’s Beauty Cottage… a gift from Mary. Oh, it was heavenly. Chemo was so hard on my skin, very drying. My feet took a hit, with a lot of rough spots, plus most of the pain stayed the longest in my feet and ankles. The massage was wonderful, and all the rough spots were smoothed away… and I left the salon feeling very good. A really nice treat.

Working Women’s Wednesday yesterday was good too. For the first time I stayed till it was over, and Ric and I had dinner together. Normal! It’s coming back! (I still don’t know what normal is… none of us really are!) I’m just noticing that my health is returning… and I’m glad about it! (Still no hair… just the fine, light peach fuzz.)

Got some West Virginia White Peaches at the Purple Onion at the Capitol Market. They’re so sweet and juicy and delicious. Alan said they’re even good grilled… with peppers and onions… served with chicken and rice. I mentioned that to Ric… he agreed. But I don’t smell it cooking yet.

7/31/06 - Radiation Step 2

2006-07-31T20:39:00.000-04:00

Had a CAT scan today to prepare for radiation therapy. Ooooh, it was cold in the room, but warm friendly technicians. An IV was inserted for contrast solution to be injected. The doctor came in and marked the area on my chest to be scanned with a very fancy, hi-tech pen…a “Sharpie”. Next I had to put both arms over my head and hold onto a bar… and remain that way, without moving, throughout the scan, and for a short time afterwards. Just before the scan, the nurse told me that when the contrast fluid would be injected, I might be able to taste it in my throat, and I might feel warmth in my bladder. Yep… tasted it in my throat first, then the “warmth” in the bladder – what a shock! It felt warm all right, but also wet. I thought, oh no, what if it really is? I couldn’t stop the feeling. I had visions of calling Ric at work and telling him to stop whatever he was doing and bring me fresh clothes. Soon the scan was over and the “warm” feeling was starting to go away. And it turns out it was, in fact, warmth only. Whew! After the scan one of the nurses gave me three tattoos… one was a heart, one was a rose, and the other a snake. Okay, not really. Three teeny, tiny little dots. (The tattoo dots are placed to make certain the area to be radiated is lined up in the same position as the plan mapped out from the CAT scan.) Then the other nurse took pictures from each side. The IV then came out. Was told to drink lots and lots of water for the next 48 hours to get the contrast fluid out of my body. I’ll be called in about a week, after the radiation plan is mapped out.

It Strikes Again

Found out that a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, and is facing a possible mastectomy. Just before calling her, I thought, “What will I say? What can I say other than ‘I’m so sorry’?” You’d think since I’ve been through my own ordeal with breast cancer I’d be ready with wonderful words of wisdom. Yet I still worried about what to say. I decided not to think, and just call.

Turned out, of course, that I didn’t have to offer words of wisdom. I just needed to be with her, answer questions (what I could), and share my experience. And tell her I’m there for her. That’s all. (If the intentions are right, if there is love and caring, God supplies the words.)

Jennifer is 10 years younger than me. I’m amazed at the courage she already displays. August 11 is her surgery. She already knows it’s cancer. (I didn’t know for sure until after the lumpectomy.) I don’t know which is more difficult… not knowing, or knowing. I suppose neither is worse, just a different kind of anxiety. In any case, God is already there!

7/30/06 - Saturday

2006-07-30T20:37:00.000-04:00

Painted in the living room today. Tired quickly. Took a shower and rested. Ran some errands. Came back home and painted some more… got a lot done this time. Sometimes I tire so easily and suddenly, and sometimes I have lots of energy. All in the same day.

We saw a friend this evening, who had unexpectedly lost a job where she had worked for over 20 years. Such a heartbreak. Sudden and abrupt changes are so traumatic. So difficult for us to understand. And it’s hard to believe “when one door closes, another one opens.” My friend knows in her heart that this is true, but is still hurting and in shock. She knows God is with her, even and especially through this pain. Her family and friends are with her too… and lots of prayers.

Sunday

Went to church this morning. Always park in the back parking lot, and there’s a long hallway to the front to enter the sanctuary. I found myself walking briskly down that hallway and realized it was the first time in months that I was walking like my old self. It felt great!

Ran some errands in the afternoon. The heat made me tired. So, I still haven’t regained all my energy… but it’s coming!

I changed into old clothes to paint, but that’s as far as I got. Spent the rest of the day being lazy, reading, and brushing the cats.

7/28/06 - Vacation Day 4

2006-07-28T20:36:00.000-04:00

It’s Friday already… the last day of vacation together. I’m going to miss my little girls. Still have most of the day though… so let’s enjoy!

I fixed breakfast, then brunch… then we went out to lunch – Tierra and Sophie were hungry today! After lunch we went back to B-A-M… they love going there. Tierra pretends like she’s the mom dropping Sophie off at daycare… and I’m the babysitter. (Not to be conceited, but my daycare has more books than any other, and a nice selection of educational toys too.) Next we had to make a trip to Target… for pajamas and an outfit for each of my girls. Then sunglasses on all and back up I-77 to Vienna to see mom and dad.

Daniel and Jill are making a video of the family and the area to send to his mom in Mexico. When they put the camera on me it was like I forgot every word I’d learned in Spanish. Then I couldn’t even think of what to say in English. So I just told Daniel what I would like to say to her, and he translated.

Soon it was time to leave. I almost cried when I left the girls, but tried not to. I got stuck in traffic on the interstate on the way home. After about two hours of not moving, I looked behind me where they had been in their car seats the past few days, and did start to cry. Of course, it would not have been good to have been stuck in traffic with two little kids… especially since it ended up being over 3 hours altogether.

As to the accident on I-77, traffic was shut down in both directions. I had been stopped for about 15 minutes thinking I was going to miss the Lighthouse Café at our church, where Ric was singing… when I realized I was only being inconvenienced, and my life would not change because of this… but someone may have died in the accident that had shut down the interstate. The lives of their family would be forever changed. With Tierra and Sophie, I had witnessed spontaneous kindness and generosity between them… and watched them do the right thing without even thinking. But it took me 15 minutes to even think to do the right thing – which was to pray for the accident victims and their families. That’s why Jesus said we were to be like little children!

When I got home I kept seeing little signs of Tierra and Sophie, which made me miss them so much… a little piece of paper with Tierra’s handwriting, Sophie’s little stool in front of the bathroom sink, three pillows lined up on the bed, the little blue octopus we used to give each other massages… I love them so much. I didn’t think I would get this time with them because of chemo, radiation and all, so I’m really grateful that we had these few days together… it was a gift!

7/27/06 - Vacation Day 3

2006-07-27T20:34:00.000-04:00

This would have been a chemo day… had I not finished two weeks ago! This was the day for me to really feel like I was finished with the treatments. I had a little celebration in my head. The worst of the side effects are over now… and I can expect to feel better and better each day.

We went to the Huntington Mall today. Tierra had won a gift certificate for Borders from school for accelerated reading… so we went to spend it! Ate lunch at McDonalds. It was a newly remodeled McDonalds… partitioned off in little private sections. An older gentleman came over to exclaim over my beautiful granddaughters… and also said that he didn’t like the new McDonalds – you couldn’t look around and see who was there! I realized once again that many people come to public places not so much to get something to eat, as to mingle and chat with other folks.

We went to a toy store before we left… Tierra got a cute little baby doll, with all the fixings… clothes, little bed and pillow, bottle, etc.

Stopped at Kroger on the way home for more milk… I had underestimated the amount of milk required for two growing little girls.

We came home and just had “family time”… playing with toys, talking, laughing, singing and dancing, snacking, trying to catch the cats (who by the way have been making themselves very scarce)… just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.

I became really tired this evening though… realized my physical self was still not what it used to be. I really appreciated Tierra’s help with Sophie… she’s so caring with her. It’s really remarkable how well they get along.

Eventually we went to bed, massaged and giggled ourselves into relaxation… lights out… quiet… then…

“♪♫D-O-R-O-T-H-Y
Doro-thy the Dino-saur♪♫”

I laughed and then said to Tierra, “I thought we turned that off.” She said, “I turned it back on so we could have some more family time.”

7/26/06 - Vacation Day 2

2006-07-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

I made breakfast for the girls… took it in to the table by the window. Sophie was ready… wearing nightgown, sandals and sunglasses! After breakfast, the girls put on a kid’s music and dance video. They were singing and dancing to “Blue Suede Shoes”… Papa Ric came into the room and starting singing along. Tierra’s eyes and mouth grew bigger and bigger as he finished the song… I think she was quite surprised that he knew all the words to this new song made just for kids in 2006!

We went to the Clay Center to see Dorothy the Dinosaur. It was fun. V100 had a Milk & Cookies gathering after the performance. Tierra saved her appetite for Taco Bell. But not Sophie… before I realized it she had eaten three cookies. She was then just a little hyper. We all worked off some energy at the Gizmo Factory in the Clay Center. Unfortunately for me, I had less energy to spare than the girls.

We came back home and watched the Care Bear movie, and Tierra and Sophie danced to some more videos. I love watching them sing and dance!

In the evening Sophie showed her little toy from the Clay Center to Papa. It was a flashlight-type toy, with little lights inside of different colors that would spin around and light up when you pushed a button. Papa put the light under his chin and made scary sounds, which sent both girls screaming and giggling, hiding their heads under pillows on the sofa. Then we turned out all the lights so that it became even scarier! More screaming and squealing. I eventually left them to their fun and went downstairs to finish up some laundry. When I came out of the laundry room door, hands were up in the air at my face and a mean ole lady scared me! I screamed! She laughed out loud! The “mean ole lady” was my sweet little Tierra! She said, “It wasn’t my fault… Papa made me do it!”

We all calmed down… just a bit… and went to bed. Sophie took her little Dorothy the Dinosaur to bed. After our massages, Sophie put Dorothy under her belly, lights were turned out, and we began to drift off to sleep. Sophie would make little moves in her sleep that would accidentally push the button that made Dorothy sing. I tried not to laugh, and I could her muffled little laughs from Tierra. We eventually just giggled out loud, and then Tierra found the button to turn off Dorothy for the night.

7/25/06 - Vacation Day 1

2006-07-25T20:30:00.000-04:00

Appointment with Dr. Covelli – everything A-OK. When radiation over, and he gets the okay from the oncologist, the port in my chest will be removed.

After the appointment, Jill, Tierra, Sophie and I had lunch at Applebee’s. Tierra sounded so grown-up in the way she joined in the conversation. And she’s only seven! After lunch it was just Grandma and granddaughters.

Tierra brought several DVD’s… and she and Sophie danced to children’s music. It was so cute.

We went to the bookstore in the evening. Tierra loves to read and is such a good reader… above her grade level. Sophie kept bringing me things… books (especially ones that also had little buttons with sound effects), puppets, and toys.

I made dinner for the girls… macaroni and tuna with cheese… okay… it was Tuna Helper. But they ate almost the entire thing!

The three of us slept in our queen-size bed… big pillows for Tierra and I and a little one for Sophie. It has been a tradition with Tierra and I to give each other back massages with the “Blue Octopus” (a gift from Jill a few Christmases ago) before we go to sleep. So Sophie received her first relaxing, rejuvenating, pampering massage… and Tierra and I received our giggling massage from Sophie.

Believe it or not, we actually do fall asleep fairly quickly after all that!

7/24/06 - Radiation - First Step

2006-07-24T20:30:00.000-04:00

Met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Plants, today. Really nice person. He spent a long time informing me of how things work, how it will go, what to expect.

Like other women have told me, side effects will be nothing like chemo. The two most common are redness and possible light irritation to the treated skin, much like a sunburn… and fatigue. Radiation is to begin 4-6 weeks after the last chemo (rather than 3 weeks)… the body needs time to recover from the chemo treatments.

There will be 33 treatments after all the “pre-work” is done. Next Monday will be a CT scan – from that the doctor will plan how to direct the radiation. It takes about a week to map out the plan. Then there will be a simulation to further plan the radiation therapy so that the target area is precisely located and marked. When that’s done, the radiation treatments begin… five days a week for 6 weeks.

Radiation works by targeting any possible cancer cells/tumors that can’t be seen. It also, in the process, kills normal cells… but since those cells are healthy, they will repair themselves daily! Any abnormal/cancer cells cannot repair themselves. (The body uses a lot of energy to repair the normal cells… thus, the fatigue.)

When radiation treatments are finished, all the side effects should disappear in about a month. From then on, I can start getting back in shape and back to “normal”… kinda… there will be many follow-up appointments, mammograms, etc.

Check-up with Dr. Covelli (surgeon) tomorrow… then I’m really on vacation!