8/30/06 - What do Dreams, Umbrellas, Underwear and Blue Bags Have in Common?

My wigs and hats are driving me nuts lately. Itchy and uncomfortable. I suppose that’s a sign that I’m feeling better… the head gear is bothersome, because nothing else really is!

However, I was really quite tired today, even though I had a good night’s sleep. I assume it’s a side-effect of the radiation that the doctor told me about. I kept thinking I would feel better as I went on with the day, but I stayed tired. Went home and took a nap after work. Had the funniest dreams. I dreamed that the General Manager of our company was sitting in the family room with my mother-in-law. He was in a recliner chair (even though we don’t own one) with his feet up and asked me to fix him some soup! I was afraid to ask him what he was doing there or how long he planned to stay, fearing I would hurt his feelings. I also dreamed that I kept finding beautiful shoes in my closet, one pair after another, but they were all too big for me… then my mother told me they were her shoes. In reality that made sense, because I’m 5’7” and wear a size 7 shoe, my mom is 5’2” and wears an 8-½ shoe. Goofy naptime entertainment.

We went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday this evening… and provided our own unplanned entertainment:

Once Ric picked up a folded-up black umbrella off the prize table and started to talk into it, thinking it was the wireless microphone. Ric’s mom said, “I can’t laugh at him doing that. Sometimes I pick up the TV remote control and start punching numbers to make a phone call!”

Another time I asked my friend Cher if she has a special closet for all her shoes (because she has so many great ones). She said she has shoes in every closet in the house… and owns more shoes than underwear. I said, “Well of course we don’t need as many pairs of underwear because we can just wash them when we need more.” And she laughingly replied, “Or just don’t wear any!” We all screamed and laughed at that. I then told about a wedding reception where I overheard a young girl in a bathroom stall tell her friends, “I just loooooove going without underwear,” and several of her friends replied, “Me too.” I went back to the reception and told Ric and our friend Matt, “Those girls out there dancing? Most of them aren’t wearing underwear.” Ric and Matt’s eyes got big and their mouths dropped open, and their eyes remained fixed on the dance floor for most of the rest of the evening.” There’s more… Later in the evening (at WWW) I heard Cher laughing hysterically. Mom Cochran (84 years old) had just told her, “If I had a body like you, I wouldn’t wear underwear either.”

(I just think it’s terrific that an “80 something” lady can join in the fun and frivolity of a bunch of women relieving life’s stresses. She could have easily pooh-poohed the underwear talk… but instead added her own spice to the conversation!)

In the last hour of the evening at WWW we give away prizes every 5-10 minutes. I was sitting at the V100 table and saw Cher and Ric pick up a bright blue bag. Cher remarked that she didn’t know who donated it to be given away. Ric said he didn’t know either, but they coupled the bag with some baseball tickets… called out a number and gave them away to a very appreciative winner. After WWW was wrapped up, Matt was packing up all the equipment and loading it in the van. He had a little pile of microphones and other equipment and asked, “Has anybody seen that blue bag I pack this stuff in?” We all burst out laughing. All together we said, “We gave it away as a prize!!!” Not believing us of course, Matt looked under tables and behind chairs, searching for the bag. After we convinced him we gave it away, he went looking for the lady who won the “prize.” Ric traded her a restaurant gift certificate for the blue bag. She was glad to give up the bag and her husband said, “I thought that thing looked a little chintzy.”

8/29/06 - Ready... or Not?

Wigs and hats are so irritating to me lately. I just usually go around the house with my quarter inch of fine, thin hair. Mom C and I had been watching TV and talking. Ric called and said he was on his way home, and wanted to take us out for a bite to eat, and for us to just come out and meet him in the driveway. Mom C said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Me, too… I just have to put shoes on.” We stood up to go, and I said, “Oh! And hair!” Some people go out of the house, and grab a jacket or a sweater. I grab some hair.

8/28/06 - Sunday

We went to our company picnic at the ballpark today. It was stifling hot, but fun to be with co-workers and not working. It’s a chance to relate on another level and laugh together… and spend time with the spouses of the folks we work with.

At Ric’s urging, Mom Cochran sang “The 7th Inning Stretch (“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”) and was on the video board. What a champ! She said she was nervous, but you couldn’t tell – she just stepped up to the plate (no pun intended) and sang!

Monday

Began second week of radiation this morning. Still easy. Still no skin irritation. A little tired, but not bad. By evening I’ll feel just fine.

Mom C cooked dinner for us – baked chicken, corn-on-the-cob, homemade applesauce.

Teays Maids came today to clean. And they thoroughly cleaned… a good ole spring cleaning. Sparkling clean, and smells great. They used Murphy’s Oil Soap on the hardwood floors.

What a treat! Came home to a clean house and lovely dinner… and I didn’t have to lift a finger. I could get used to this. We ate in our freshly painted dining room – by the window, with candles. A nice evening.

Both children called to see how I was and let me know how the grandchildren’s first day of school went. Yep, I’m blessed. Very blessed.

8/25/06 - Friday Night

Ric’s mom came to visit us for a while. It was so good to see her. We all went to the Lighthouse Café this evening… and enjoyed wonderful live music. Ric does such a great job of bringing lots of local talent in to perform… and the church has done a fantastic job of setting the atmosphere and providing a warm welcome to all who come.

Saturday

Teays Maids are coming Monday morning to clean the house… compliments of my co-workers. I told Mom Cochran they would be here. I went to work early in the morning to do part of my work, then left to go buy some cat food. I dropped it off at the house before going back to work… but Mom C didn’t even know I was there… because she was in the family room running the vacuum! When I got up this morning, she was outside cleaning the deck furniture! She’s 84… or 83.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back. Yippee! I can’t believe they’re growing back so quickly. They just finished completely falling out (I had three or four that had been hanging on) and now they’re coming back already. I told Ric… he said that’s because I’m healing. I recently read in a book that was given to me “There’s No Place Like Hope,” that we should remember that when the process of losing our hair has begun – the process of saving our life has too. So the process of growing it back means we’re well on our way to returning to a “normal” life. I always put the word normal in quotes, because (1) I think no one is really normal, and (2) I truly want my life to be changed by having had cancer… I hope I’ll be a better person than I was before. But I am glad that chemotherapy and the heavy medication days are behind me, and of course I’ll be glad when the radiation treatments are finished as well.

Also in that same book I read “Learn early to look at what surgery, chemo, or radiation is going to do FOR you instead of TO you. That makes all the difference.” And certainly I’m grateful for all the treatments available to cure cancer. Some of them, especially chemotherapy, are difficult to deal with… but I’ll be forever grateful that it was available for me!

The hair returning, the dry skin healing, nails looking better… all “outside”/”body” stuff… but it is a reflection of the way I feel inside – back to being fully aware, more energetic, regaining my health, and rid of cancer.

8/24/06 - Seeing Red

Radiation was at 6:40 this morning… way too early for Jeanne. Starting tomorrow morning all appointments from now on will be 7:20. I can handle that.

I was so tired today. I don’t think the alarm going off at 5:30 a.m. accounted for all the fatigue I felt. Must be the radiation treatment having an effect. To be expected.

Even though I was tired, I came home and took all the furniture, curtains, and accessories that had been stashed in the guest room, and brought them back into the living/dining room. I still have some trim work to finish up, but Mom Cochran is coming to stay with us for a few weeks and I’m sure she would prefer not to sleep between Ric and I.

The red walls, white fireplace look gorgeous. It was a risk painting the walls red – there were so many shades to choose from – but it turned out just the way we wanted… with the look we had imagined. Ric had the idea to move the wicker furniture into the dining room area, and put the table by the big windows in the living room. It looks fantastic. The “den” is so cozy… and there’s a nice view from the table. The other side of the living room is our music area… with piano and guitars. It’s an unconventional arrangement, but it suits us and we like it.

When we moved into the house last year, I planned to take the wallpaper off the bathroom walls first – because it was the smallest area to deal with, then move onto the kitchen… and do the living room/dining room/hallway area last because it would be the biggest job. I recall now how my plan got reversed. I saw one little turned-up corner of wallpaper, and tugged on it just a bit…

8/23/06 - Time to Pay Up

Today was the first time I had an opportunity to go to Magistrate Court to try to get the judge to drop the charges for the ticket I received last Tuesday. For days I’ve been preparing in my head what I needed to tell him or her:

· I didn’t know the registration had expired because the renewal form was not forwarded to our new address

· Someone at work did alert me to the expired inspection sticker a couple months ago, but I just forgot about it because I’ve been busy and under stress

· I had no criminal intent, and the law that I (unintentionally) violated did not put other people in jeopardy

· I have an excellent driving record and that should be taken into consideration

· I just don’t have the money right now to pay a fine… with all the medical bills I’ve recently incurred. (Yep, I was even ready to play the “cancer card”)

I wore my prettiest blouse today for my “court appearance”. Ric laughingly suggested I wear a hat or scarf that would give a hint to my bald head. But I wore my favorite wig instead. I didn’t really think any of those would do much good, but what the heck. I’ve been fretting and worrying all week about how much this fine would be. I thought about having worked three remotes last week, tired at the end of the day, and swollen ankles… and figured the extra money I made for all that work, would all go to pay for this stupid ticket.

I went to the wrong courthouse first. (See, I’m not a bad person… I didn’t even know where to go!) Walked into a room with probably 100 people waiting. I couldn’t see where to sign in… so I asked someone who was waiting… then found my way back to a room with only two people ahead of me. Both of those people appeared to be irritating the judge with their explanations of why their charges should be dropped… and I thought… oh no, he’s not going to be a happy man when it’s my turn. A police officer took my ticket, receipt for current vehicle inspection, and my newly renewed vehicle registration, and took them back to the judge. He returned about one minute later, and handed me the receipt and registration, smiled and said “You can go, ma’am… it’s been dismissed.” “I don’t have to explain anything?” I asked. “No, it’s been dismissed.”

Wow, was I a happy girl! That was so easy.

All that worrying for nothing. Sleepless nights for nothing.

Time to Replace

I found the time also today to fill in the information on the Dell computer website, to return my “recalled” battery. When I entered the entire number… the message “no need for replacement” popped up. I thought it was a mistake at first, but on a closer reading, I realized that my battery contained a part number that might be affected… so the entire part number submission indicated whether or not the battery was one involved in the recall.

So another thing that turned out good! (I actually hadn’t been worrying about this one… there is hope for me yet!)

8/22/06 - Fuzz Becomes Hair

Had a check-up with Dr. Cohen today… he confirmed what I already knew… I’m doing fine! Second radiation treatment today… just as easy today, and quicker.

Ric was teasing me today about what he called fuzz balls on top of my head… and I told him it’s not fuzz… it’s hair! Actually, I realized my former peach fuzz IS hair. I expected my hair to come back in like hair does that’s been shaved… stubby and rough. Now I know that this is my new hair… it just started fine… like baby hair. It’s about ¼” long now… and really soft. Ric teases me, “Yeh, but can you brush it, run a comb through it, part it?” No, not yet. When I can though… he’ll be the first to know. And when my hair’s longer than Ric’s again, I’ll point that out as well.

8/21/06 - First Radiation Treatment

My first radiation treatment was today. I didn’t sleep well last night… I tossed and turned and just felt very agitated. I was still a little nervous this morning, even though I tried not to be. Turns out of course that there was no need to be frightened. The treatment was very easy and painless, just as I had been told. The technicians were very friendly and nice… so once again I find myself in good hands at CAMC. My appointments this week are at various times, but starting next week they’ll be early in the morning, before I go to work… which is just what I wanted. So I’ll have a new “morning routine” for the next 6½ weeks. Getting up early will be the most difficult part of the radiation treatments!

RD857

I finally logged onto the Dell website to find out if the battery in my laptop was among those being recalled. I printed out the information including the list of numbers of batteries being recalled and checked it against the number on my battery. Oh my gosh… my number is there! I’ve been using a computer with one of the batteries that could catch on fire!

I’m typing on my flat little friend right now, but with the battery removed and the power cord plugged in. I’ll order a replacement. Sometimes I go for several days in a row without reading the newspaper. Thank goodness I read the newspaper last Tuesday.

8/20/06 - Reaching Out

Ric and Steve played guitar and sang at the Summer Festival in Winfield… presented by the Crossroads Community Church. Ric also had them set up a Susan G. Komen table for me to hand out literature about breast cancer, and Komen merchandise to sell. I don’t like selling things. If my occupation involved sales, I would starve. But it turned out to be okay… people were happy to buy the pink ribbon ballcaps and wristbands knowing that the money supported a good cause. Some people didn’t buy anything, but donated money. Almost everyone mentioned someone they knew who has dealt with breast cancer… mother, sister, cousin, friend… seems everyone, male or female, knows someone who has or has had this disease.

Also, I met many nice people from the church. Their church has been meeting at Winfield High School for years. They have a Building Fund set up to eventually build a church. They want their ministry to be outreach to the community, and they decided not to wait until they had a building to do their ministry. So they keep drawing from the building fund to minister in the community… saying, “Oh well, maybe someday will have a building… maybe not… whatever happens is okay. Buildings create maintenance and expenses. We can do our ministries either way.” A church that’s not dependent on a building… pretty cool.

A Little Anxiety

Radiation treatments begin tomorrow. Even though I’d educated myself about radiation months ago, I’ve been reading more and more this week. There’s some controversy about antioxidant vitamins during radiation treatments, because there is evidence that antioxidants may protect cancer cells during radiation therapy. Dr. Plants says not to use them… and most of what I’ve read agrees. What else will I do to help the treatments be effective? Go back to drinking Boost everyday… the kind with additional protein. Extra protein will be needed for the daily repair of normal cells that are destroyed in the radiation.

I know this will be easy, with very little side effects, if any. I’ve been trying to deny it all week… but I’m a little scared. Although I’ve read a lot, it’s still an unknown experience for me. Fear of the unknown. Just as God was with me in the numerous tests and the waiting for results, in the month of surgeries, and in the months of chemotherapy, God will be with me in the radiation therapy. So there is nothing to fear. This is another step in the healing.

It’ll be cinchy.

“…Those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar
on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and
not be faint.”
--Isaiah 40:30-31

8/17/06 - Just Pretend

Today was the day for the radiation “simulation”… where radiation is set up to match the plan created from the CT scan. It was easy. Had three more tattoos though… this time a spider, a chain, and a teddy bear. Okay, it was three more little dots.

First treatment will be on Monday.

Ric came home from Pittsburgh this evening! Hooray!

8/15/06 - Popular Song

Left work on time today, to go home to finish up the red trim in the living room… I need to paint while there’s still enough daylight coming through the windows to see well. I really want to finish that part before the week is over, and tomorrow I have to work 8-8, and Thursday 8-7 with a doctor appointment in the middle. So this is the day.

Instead…

Just as I was about to turn onto the road that led to home, I saw a State Trooper behind me with the lights on. Could he mean me? Apparently so. I got a ticket for expired registration and expired inspection sticker. I had no idea the registration had expired on 4/1. I guess the renewal didn’t make it to our new address. Someone at work did remind me a couple months ago that my inspection sticker had expired, and I intended to take care of that, but didn’t have time then, and eventually just forgot about it. I begged the officer not to give me a ticket, even telling him that I would take care of it all right away. He said he had no choice, because they were so far out of date. So I put the stupid ticket in my purse, and just sat there a cried a bit. Then I bucked up and decided to just go get things taken care of right then and there.

I went all the way across the city to the DMV to renew the registration, but I didn’t have last year’s receipts for property taxes… and they don’t have a computer system to check it! So I headed back home, but decided to stop and get the inspection taken care of. They couldn’t do the inspection, however, because the registration wasn’t current. Advised me to go to the courthouse a couple blocks away, where they could update the registration and pull up the property tax receipt. After driving around and around in circles trying to find a place to park, I went inside the courthouse. They could not renew the registration, because I didn’t have the renewal FORM that comes in the mail, and said I would have to go to the DMV. They at least were able to give me the property tax receipts, so I didn’t have to go home and get them. However… the last half of 2005 had not been paid yet, so I had to fork out $150 for that. How did that not get paid? I’m very organized and always pay bills on time… but today it’s like I haven’t done anything right. So with tax receipts in hand, I headed back across town, hoping to get to the DMV before they closed, but certainly not driving over the speed limit to get there.

I say this little prayer in my head, “Please God let me get there before they close, because I won’t have any time to do all this for the next two days… and if you really care about me, then you’ll make it happen… never mind, I’m sorry, I know that’s not fair… I need to trust and believe that you care… it’s okay if they’re closed… I won’t blame you, God.”

The DMV is still open! I fill out the paperwork and get the new registration… and am very grateful that this much is done. The place to get the inspection done is open till 7:00, so I still have plenty of time for that. My car passed inspection, but the man who takes care of the paperwork noticed that my insurance card says my car is a 2002 and the registration says 2003. The DMV apparently made a typo, so I have to get that fixed! I’ll give them a call tomorrow.

Nearly three hours later, I’m on the way home. I’m too frustrated to paint now, so that’s out for this week. But when I get back to the spot where the policeman stopped me, the fuel light comes on in my car… I’m nearly out of gas, and won’t have time during the next few days to get gas… so drive a little farther and spend the last of my money for a tank of gas. I feel so defeated.

After getting home, finally, I just sit down to watch mindless entertainment on TV. And voila’… the cable has been shut off! There was a mistake on our bill – cable company’s mistake - about a month ago, and Ric got it all straightened out. But now here we are again, with no cable.

So maybe if I just sit here and don’t move, nothing else will go wrong today.

Oh, I know… it’s just a bad day. None of these things are life-threatening or heart-breaking. Years from now I won’t even remember it.

Now I know why Daniel Powter’s song, “Bad Day” is so popular… and it’s not because it was the exit song for American Idol… it’s because we all have days like this one!

8/14/06 - Girls Gotta Talk

I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group here in Charleston this evening. Not that I felt like I needed support as such… but I did feel the need of the comradery of other women. (Guess that’s support, huh?) There were women there who were breast cancer survivors from 3 days to 20 years! It was a positive and happy group. Proof that life goes on. There were a few whose cancer had returned for a second time… but they’re dealing with it and expecting a complete recovery.

I’m still missing Ric – we call each other all throughout the day. Like teenagers in love. Nothing wrong with that.

8/13/06 - Tattoo Talk

Ric’s vacation officially started today and he went to Pittsburgh to visit his family. I cried. We’re buddies… joined at the hip… best friends. I’m missing him already.

Jill and Daniel and Sophie came down to visit. We had a great time. Jill told me earlier this week that Tierra put a temporary tattoo on Sophie’s arm and since it hadn’t disappeared after several baths, Jill took it off with alcohol… and Sophie had a fit… saying “Where my tattoo?” I told Jill and Daniel to go out and have some time to themselves for a while, and I’d watch Sophie… and maybe take my little 2-year old granddaughter to get a real tattoo and her belly-button pierced! They left anyway… guess they didn’t believe me.

A little later I saw that Sophie had a temp tattoo on her belly. I asked her where she got it. She said, “Tierra.” Then she scrunched up her face and said in a louder, rougher voice as she pointed to her arm, “Mommy! No tattoo!” Me thinks she was still a bit miffed.

My right eye had been bothering me all day. I asked Jill if she could see anything in it, and she said there was a large bump on my eyelid. I took out my contacts (which enables me to see better close-up) and could see the nasty thing. You’d think, with cancer, chemo, and all… I’d get a grace period for a while from other little physical ailments! But no… now there’s another embellishment to the Pillsbury Doughboy look.

Ric and I talked on the phone several times today. I miss him… and would like to see my Pittsburgh family too. But I’m glad he’s having a good time… he works hard, misses his family, and deserves some fun.

8/12/06 - Bubbling Over

I went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday at the Power Alley Grill earlier this week. I did one break on the radio with Ric, and then found myself sitting at a table with friends… and forgot all about the radio! I was having such a good time chatting and laughing with the girls. And I was feeling really healthy and energetic too! (Ric told me later he didn’t even want to “bother” me with the radio breaks because I looked so happy.) My friend Sandy just told me over and over how good I looked. I didn’t argue with her, because I felt good! Later, after we left the restaurant, I realized that Sandy and I met after my diagnosis and surgery, and perhaps even after chemo started… so she had never really seen me or known me to be “not sick”! Even on my best days after chemo, I was still somewhat weak, always tired, and sometimes nauseous or in pain… and definitely pale. It’s been almost a month since my last chemo, so I’ve had time to regain some zest and energy!

Running Out

On Friday, Ric and I went to the shopping area in Southridge. We both had errands to run in different directions, so I dropped Ric off and drove his jeep to Kohl’s. Twenty minutes later I headed back to pick him up and the “low coolant” light went on in his car. I picked him up and told him about the light. He drove from there and then more warning lights started to come on. We got out and looked… fluid was just coming out of the radiator in a steady stream. We tried to make it home, but the jeep died before we made it. So… called AAA to come to our rescue and had it towed. Two things Ric kept asking over and over: “Why did this have to happen two days before I leave for Pittsburgh?” and “What did you hit, Jeanne?” (I didn’t hit anything. I could understand why he thought I did. I left with a vehicle that was running perfectly… and came back with a broken one.)

Anyway, turns out the radiator split… who knows why… a part had to be ordered… repairs wouldn’t be completed in time for Ric’s trip. Of course Ric realized then that it was actually good that it happened before his trip rather than during. It’s easier to handle things like this at home.

Running Scared

This morning I heard this odd little squeal beside the chair I was in which I was sitting, reading, in the family room. I looked to the side and saw Dot looking under the chair. Thinking she lost some little toy underneath, I told her I’d get it in a second… waiting till I finished a chapter… or two.

I noticed she kept sitting there, occasionally trying to reach her toy… not giving up. So finally I decided to see what she wanted. I pushed the big leather chair to the side and saw this little gray mouse toy that I didn’t even remember having ever purchased for the cats… because I don’t like mouse toys that look real… AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It moved! It was a real mouse! I screamed so loud I scared the cat away, and the mouse went back under the chair. What do I do? What do I do? I don’t want to kill it. Even though I can’t stand the thought of a mouse in my house… yet I could see that it was too cute to harm.

Ric was at Enterprise making arrangements to rent a car for his trip to Pittsburgh (since his jeep wouldn’t be fixed for several days). I knew he was busy… but I made a frantic call to him anyway. He was silent at first, and then very calmly said, “I’ll have to get back to you on this.” (Later he would tell me he was just incredulous that I would bother him with a teeny tiny little mouse “problem” while he was in the middle of trying to work out car repairs and a car rental and trying to get to work on time and all… but just took a deep breath, and let me know it would be handled later.)

I had just recently talked with Jill about a mouse in her house, so I called her next. Suppressing giggles, she gave me a few options, including just trying to scoot it out the back door with a broom. I was sitting on a kitchen chair, with my bare feet up on it too… off the floor, so I went to the bedroom to get shoes AND socks! But realized I had to get to work too… so I left.

Ric came home later… simply guided the mouse into a shoebox… and dropped him off at the edge of the woods. Ric told me the little guy didn’t want to be in our house anymore than we wanted him there. When he got home, there was a cat on each side of the chair… and the mouse had been trapped there for hours. Now, even though I had been totally creeped out earlier, I was feeling sad and sorry for the little tiny gray ball of fur… with the beady eyes and sharp pointed little tail.

8/7/06 - The Top of My Head

Monday morning and back to work. Although I’m feeling really good, I still have swollen ankles. I can’t figure out what’s causing this. I’ll make a call to the doctor’s office tomorrow and see if it’s anything to be concerned about. I also need to ask about the port… seems like I heard or read that after chemo’s over, it needs to be flushed once a month.

I painted this evening in the living room. Even though the AC is turned down, my head still gets hot when I work (physical labor). So I took off my hat. The front door was open to let more light in and curtains are down from the big windows. After a while I wondered if any of the neighbors or passersby saw my bald head. Oh well. I realized I didn’t really care. A girl should be able to be bald in her own house.

The peach fuzz on my head is getting longer… maybe it’s not fuzz… but hair! It’s so odd. I still can’t even tell what color it is… it’s very thin and fine. It looks kinda curly, but when I put lotion on my head (as I always do because it itches if I don’t) the hair stands straight up! It’s hilarious.

Purpose

I received in an e-mail recently from my “breast cancer friend in Pawley’s Island,” Pam… which contained this wonderful passage that I want to remember. It’s from the book Victorious Christian Living by Alan Redpath, sharing his insight on God’s master plan for our lives:

“There is nothing—no circumstance, no trouble, no testing—that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment; but as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.”

8/5/06 - Am I Conscious?

Somehow I set my clock ahead one hour again. I don’t know how or why! I got up for work an hour earlier than I needed to… and I could have used the extra hour of sleep. I woke up during the night, because my left arm was hurting. I stretched, rolled from side to side, still aching. I put my arm up in the air, and then I opened my eyes. Through the moonlight I could see that it was swollen. Oh no! One of my fears – the onset of lymphedema! I turned on the lights, looked closely and compared it with my other arm. Yes… definitely swollen. What did I do to cause this? I didn’t lift anything heavy at the remote. I do remember twisting a straining just a bit with the tent. Could something that small have caused it? What do I do now? Dr. Plants said if swelling occurred, to take care of it asap, otherwise it usually becomes a chronic condition. I didn’t know what to do in the middle of the night except to prop my arm on a pillow, and keep it raised above heart level. If swelling not gone by morning, then I will call the doctor. Turned out it was gone by morning. Now I’m wondering… did that rally happen or did I dream it? No, I remember getting up and walking into the bathroom to make sure it was really swollen. Or was that part of a dream too?

At work today, I saw an ant in the studio. Now my mind is definitely playing tricks on me. As areas of numbness in my toes and feet are beginning to recover, I feel tingling sensations from time to time… but now I’m looking quickly to see if it’s ants crawling on me! No it’s not of course. But it’s a yucky feeling!

Ric and I went out for dinner, and for the first time since chemo began, I had shrimp… and salad too… delicious! Oh, and dessert! Now if I start to wonder whether this was real or not… I can find out by just getting on the scales tomorrow.

8/4/06 - Work and Play

Good day at work… energy is returning. Had a remote broadcast after work. It was very hot outside, with high humidity. My ankles swelled. However, I wasn’t any more tired than anyone else dealing with the heat. I wore a wig to the remote, because the bangs cover my eyebrows, or rather the place where my eyebrows used to be. But never again, when I’m going to be working outside. The wig was just entirely too hot, and unbearably itchy. Next time I’m working outside in the heat… it’ll be a hat ‘n scarf. With no hair, eyelashes or eyebrows… yep, the Pillsbury Dough Boy look!

Sometimes I worry about not looking my best for public appearances, but Ric said, “Heck girl, you went public with your breast cancer… now don’t go out and try to hide what you’ve been through. Everybody understands. Besides you still look beautiful.” Ah, he knows all the right words.

Ric asked me if I wanted to go to see the movie, “Talladaga Nights, the Ballad of Ricky-Bobby.” I thought the funniest thing about the movie would be the title, but I was wrong. I laughed my head off. It was dumb comedy, I guess… but I got completely caught up in it. I was still laughing on the way home.

8/3/06 - Pedicures, Peaches and Stuff

It’s been a good three days. Although I still get tired towards the end of the day, I’m feeling better and better every day. I realize that it takes a while to recover from chemo, so I understand the fatigue. Today, several of us from the radio station went to Stonewall Resort for a seminar. The traveling to and from was especially fun… we laughed a lot. The seminar was good, there was lots of good food, and Stonewall is just beautiful… so it was a different kind of workday… and I rather enjoyed it. Also, I realized how very far I’ve come physically… to be able to make the trip and be in the seminar all day. We did have numerous breaks, however, which made it a lot easier on my legs. I’ve had minimal pain anyway… not even enough to take any medication. Soon it will be gone altogether.

Last night Dot saw a moth in the window, and jumped from the floor, to me, to the window… and punctured four holes in my leg and arm with her claws. I was bleeding and had to use peroxide and antibacterial ointment and bandaids. She’s such a dumb cat. Mokie would never do that… she would have walked around to the window or jumped on the back of the chair. I was so mad at Dot. Yes, the same sweet little cat who would cuddle up to me during some of my most difficult chemo days. She just now jumped on the arm of the chair, put her little paws on my “injured” arm and looked in my eyes as if to say she’s sorry she’s so dumb. I’d already forgiven her anyway.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of a pedicure at Tracy’s Beauty Cottage… a gift from Mary. Oh, it was heavenly. Chemo was so hard on my skin, very drying. My feet took a hit, with a lot of rough spots, plus most of the pain stayed the longest in my feet and ankles. The massage was wonderful, and all the rough spots were smoothed away… and I left the salon feeling very good. A really nice treat.

Working Women’s Wednesday yesterday was good too. For the first time I stayed till it was over, and Ric and I had dinner together. Normal! It’s coming back! (I still don’t know what normal is… none of us really are!) I’m just noticing that my health is returning… and I’m glad about it! (Still no hair… just the fine, light peach fuzz.)

Got some West Virginia White Peaches at the Purple Onion at the Capitol Market. They’re so sweet and juicy and delicious. Alan said they’re even good grilled… with peppers and onions… served with chicken and rice. I mentioned that to Ric… he agreed. But I don’t smell it cooking yet.