Wednesday

5/31/06 - Feeling Flushed?

Hot and humid, yet beautiful day. Looking forward to having lunch with Susi today. Worked until time to go to hospital for lab work. Susi came to the station and went to the hospital with me. It was nice to have her there… I was both proud to introduce my sister-in-law to Linda (my oncology nurse) and Linda to Susi. My care at CAMC is so terrific… and the staff so nice… I know it made Susi feel better to see that I’m in good hands!

We went to the Power Alley Grill at the ballpark for lunch… and talked about all sorts of things… including the fact that Susi will be a grandma in October. What a special treat… just th’ girls. I do believe that’s the first time in the six years we’ve known each other that it’s been just the two of us doing something together! It was fun.

As we waited outside for Skip to pick her up… a storm was brewing, with a strong wind. Found out my wig is pretty-well wind-proof… I didn’t have to hold it on, and it stayed on my head!

Got prescriptions filled… gold bottles are lined up on the bathroom counter. Tonight will be a different regimen… because tomorrow’s chemo will be a different regimen. Tonight at 12:00 midnight I take 5 Decadrons and then 5 more at 6:00 am. I believe that’s to help prevent an allergic reaction to the Taxol I will receive tomorrow. Each dose is five times the amount I would take after previous chemos… and that’s the medicine that keeps me awake… and makes me hungry… and makes my face, neck and chest red and flushed. So, I will take an Ambien tonight for sleep. I’ve never taken a sleeping pill before. But I certainly do need to be able to rest before chemo tomorrow. This will be interesting.

From time to time throughout the day, I kept getting the giggles. I was remembering being at Jill and Daniel’s house on Sunday… the toilet overflowed and Jill was calling for Daniel to come and help… but he and Tierra and I were talking and didn’t notice at first. Then little Sophie came out into the room… and stood with wide eyes and flailing arms and dancing feet, saying something like “Zeep, Dup, Doe, Pow!”… ‘cause she didn’t know the words for “Hurry, Help, there’s water all over the place and Mommy needs you Quick.” And then she hurriedly dashed back toward the bathroom. Maybe you had to be there, but every time I think about it I laugh out loud.

Ric too… he got the giggles a million times today, because when we were at the bookstore the other night, we were sitting in the chairs close by the restrooms… and all of a sudden there was this booming sound of water gushing, a man screaming “Whoa!”, who later comes out with wet clothes. Now that would not be one bit funny if it (whatever “it” was) happened to Ric… but for some sick reason… he found it quite amusing. Quite. I think I’ll remind him of the incident next time we’re in church. He always says I can’t jump out and scare him, like he does to me, because he would have a heart attack… but he’s said nothing about not mentioning exploding toilets.

I just realized… both things that are making us laugh have to do with bathrooms. That’s weird. We’re weird. “We’re weird” – that’s impossible to say five times in a row. So it must not be true. Ric and I are not weird after all. We’re just happy. And afraid to go in the bathroom.

Enjoying “bathroom humor”… Ric says we’re oh so grown-up now!

Tuesday

5/30/06 - High Priced Tanning Beds Today

Oh wow! I feel great. Beautiful sunshiny morning!

Off to work for a short day. Worked on website, updating new community events. Symphony Sunday this weekend… always a fun and beautiful event on the riverbank lawn of UC. Loaded recent journal entries. Wrote new breast cancer awareness promo.

No water to drink since midnight. My mouth is so dry… feels like it’s sticking to itself, and my throat feels raw. Wonder if they’ll let me use my spray mouth moisturizer or at least rinse with water?


I’m back in the waiting room where I was “forgotten” two months ago (or so I thought) and felt so angry. This time I remembered to bring a book to help pass the time. But already there is some girl here asleep with her mouth open and snoring loudly. Irritating.

As soon as I wrote that the nicest lady sat down beside me. We talked briefly. She had a brain tumor in 2001… and here she is now looking beautiful and gorgeous. She hugged me when she got up to leave, said she would pray for me, and I for her. Joanne… what a radiant spirit… like an angel… just appeared out of nowhere… and was gone in an instant. I relaxed and was at ease.

Just had the MRI. That was a different experience than I expected… I was taken to this trailer… it was very cold inside. I was in this long tube and they zoomed me back… and it was noisy. They even gave me ear plugs, but it still sounded like hammers and jackhammers, buzzers and beepers all around my head. So that’s what’s it’s like to be abducted and examined by aliens! It did go by more quickly than I expected.

Now for the PET scan. Just had the radio-active injection. Gotta wait for an hour… then the scan. I was told there would be no jackhammers or banging noises… heavenly compared to the MRI. Turns out it was very quiet and easy and the time passed quickly once again.

Easy for me that is. During both the MRI and PET I wondered how in the world little kids could handle things like this. I guess because our radio station worked to raise money for St. Jude Childrens Research Hospital earlier this year, I was seeing the experience through the eyes of a child… and then it seemed very frightening. I guess there are ways to help children feel more at ease… let them see the equipment first… read stories… show pictures. They would need lots of preparation. It’s a very different world for adults than it is for children. We need to always remember that… in all kinds of circumstances.


Beautiful morning… lovely evening. A surprise visit from Susi and Skip… and dinner out at O’Charley’s. Giggling and laughing over food with family that are also friends… it doesn’t get much better than that.

Monday

5/29/06 - Memorial Day

Had to work for a little while today. Received an e-mail from a young woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004… finished up treatments about this time last year. This year, right now, she is in training to be part of a 60-mile 3-day walk in Philadelphia in October… a walk to raise funds for breast cancer research and programs. Sixty miles! I was so impressed… and so inspired. Lately, I’ve been feeling so weak physically… wondering if I’ll ever get back to being fit… working out at the Y, etc. Today I realized… of course I will! I had already set a goal of walking in the Susan G. Komen Race next year… but why not set my goals even higher? Well, maybe not 57 miles higher… but I forgot that I can once again be a “picture of health.” Dealing with difficulties “one day at a time,” is a really good attitude to have… but it’s important to look beyond the difficulties, and also visualize the things we want to do and be in the future. One day at a time… but with a positive goal. Thanks, Sherry.

Tomorrow is MRI and PET scan day. Will spend most of it at the hospital… but don’t anticipate it to be difficult. Will take a book to read and relax. Going to work in the morning to catch up on administrative work… but will have to leave early. Can’t eat or drink anything after midnight tonight. The not eating doesn’t bother me… but by the time both tests are over… it will be 3:00 or later. That seems like a long time to go without water… especially right now. Oh well, I’ll be in a hospital if it becomes a problem!

Ric usually feeds the birds every morning… but he slept late today. I looked out the family room window this morning… and on the deck was a sad little baby female cardinal… sitting there on an empty railing… just waiting for Ric to bring breakfast. I went outside and spread out the bird seed. Came back inside, and within seconds the whole family was there… the mother and father… picking up seeds and putting them in the baby’s mouth. I know they can find plenty of food this time of year… but apparently they rather enjoy the fine dining at Ric’s CafĂ©… and fully expected it to be open on Memorial Day!

Sunday

5/28/06 - Family Time

Woke up this morning knowing I would see my children and grandchildren today. Well, half of them… Danny’s off to the mountains this weekend. Jill and Daniel and the girls were waiting outside for me when I got there. It was so exciting! I took my wigs and Tierra and Sophia and I took turns wearing all three… took pictures… giggled, ooohed and aaaahed… and were just plain silly. We all went out to dinner to our Mexican restaurante favorito. It amazes me how Sophia, now two, understands both English and Spanish. It also amazes me how Tierra is like a little mother to Sohpia… she watches her, shares with her, plays with her… they’re so darn sweet. Tierra’s room looked so cute… sloped ceilings painted white… the walls painted pink… and a border of her little handprints in purple all around… her design! Took the girls to the mall to the Play Area. (Opted for air-conditioned comfort… because it was hot today… and I wasn’t sure I had the energy to chase little Sophie at the park. They were cool with Plan B.) We had fun! I left Parkersburg with a happy heart!

Saturday

5/27/06 - Shady Spaces

Woke up to birds singing, a breeze blowing through the windows… feeling good! Hey… went in the bathroom and looked pretty good too… that new lotion gave my skin that “healthy glow” overnight! Put on Capri jeans, V100 t-shirt and pink ribbon ball cap and went to work. No need to dress up for a Saturday workday!

After work I went to Ellen’s Ice Cream and had one scoop of raspberry… sat at a little table by the window… and relaxed a bit. Capitol Street! It is sooooooo beautiful. Tree-lined brick street… lovely quaint little shops. I need to spend more time on Capitol Street. Yep, that’s the new me… hanging out in the street! But seriously, I sometimes forget how nice downtown is… and assume I’ll never find a parking space. But today I realized it’s worth the effort to find a parking space… and maybe like today… there’ll be one waiting for me. I was talking to Ric on the phone from Ellen’s and said that this (Capitol Street) is really our kind of place… we need to remember to patronize the businesses here more often… and what a serene and beautiful place to de-stress! I was watching the travel channel last night and was longing to go to Ashville, North Carolina… and I do hope we get to go sometime. But I realized we have charming little spaces here in the city where we live… we just need to remember to take advantage of what’s right under our noses.

We went to see The DaVinci Code this afternoon… a fascinating movie… then out to dinner at Sitar… to the bookstore. Came home and wrapped Sophia’s little birthday presents… with the help of the cats. Looked out back… Ric had scrubbed the deck, cleaned the patio table and chairs, put on the cushions, put up the umbrella, and planted petunias in the planter! Oh my… our little sanctuary is back! Thank you Ric! This will be our second summer in our house. I recall so many wonderful evenings… Ric grilling out… dinner on the deck… lighting candles after dark… drinking ice tea and lemonade. Ah, who needs a vacation? We’re blessed just to have a quiet backyard overlooking the woods… available to us anytime we choose!

Friday

5/26/06 - There is...

There is…

…PEACE… “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Phillippians 4:7

…HOPE… “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13

…A PLAN… “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” – Jeremiah 29:11

…JESUS… “’…Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.’” – Matthew 28:20

Praying His peace surrounds you… His hope fills you… His plan is revealed to you – as Jesus walks with you through this time.


That’s what was in my e-mail this morning… was it really from Susan… or was God using her to answer my prayer from last night? I do believe that God will use ANY means to communicate with us. Even e-mail. I’m smiling.

A Healthy Glow… Now Comes in a Bottle

It was a good day today… my old energy is returning. Ric brought a turkey sandwich to me for lunch… I could taste it… even the bread… my taste buds have returned. Not completely though… I guess that won’t happen till chemo’s been over for a while. I can’t wait for my first meal where I can really savor all the flavors. And a big crunchy salad… that will be my first special treat! Once Dr. Cohen gives his okay… I’m having a salad everyday for… well maybe forever! Spent a longer day at work. A little tired when I left… was going to do a bit of shopping… but went home first to rest. Couldn’t sleep… so just sat in a chair… then fell asleep… off and on for a couple hours. Finally got off my lazy butt and went to finish up belated birthday shopping for Sophie. Also bought some of that new “gradual tanning” lotion today. Since I have to be careful about being in the sun during treatments… and since a tanning bed is out of the question… and since I am soooooooooooo pale… thought I would give it a try. Now do I use this on top of my head too?

Thursday

5/25/06 - Associations

Slept well last night… woke up feeling… not sick! Tired… but not sick! Before leaving for work, it was nice to be able to tell Ric I was finally starting to feel better. On the way to work, I found myself steering the car in the opposite direction again… to get some tea. I realized, however, it wasn’t just the tea. (From my office, to the bathroom, is the least attractive hallway in the building… painted concrete blocks. The rest of the building is very, very nice… but this hallway is a bit dreary.) I was headed to work, and suddenly saw myself in the hallway and stairway… holding onto the walls… and sick. That’s when I turned the steering wheel right, instead of left… driving away… in the sunshine.

I realized that because of three days of being sick after I got to work, I was beginning to associate being at work with being sick. I immediately reminded myself of all the times I go to work and feel good. And I recalled reading about associations that can be made during chemo. Someone wrote that they could no longer drink anything red after receiving Adriamycine, because that chemo drug is red. I remember thinking I was going to try to keep from acquiring negative associations like that. Never say never. (Actually, when I see the A drug go through the tube, it’s more of an orange-red… and actually quite ugly. Since I already see it as ugly… I’m pretty sure that exact color will never create a warm fuzzy feeling in me!) Of course, now I can see that negative associations can occur quite easily… but it is something to be on guard about. So wonder what my route to work will be tomorrow?

Wanted: R&R

Just because you have cancer, doesn’t mean other stresses stop coming into your life. No, there’s no special holding pattern that keeps away the struggles and concerns. And even a husband and wife who love each other completely… can get on each other’s nerves. Cancer has of course caused a lot of changes in our everyday life… and for the most part, we’ve adjusted really well. Sometimes, we both yearn for the old routine… and forget that this will be an unusual summer… and by fall our lives will resume to pretty much what they used to be. But sometimes we can only see what’s in front of us at the moment.

We had hoped to get out of town this weekend… it would be a good time… in between chemo treatments… but work keeps us here. We both need a change of scenery… a few days to relax and breathe some different air. There’ll be no time for a week long vacation till… October. Chemo treatments through the end of July… then seven weeks of radiation. By then radio stations will be in the ratings period… no vacations allowed then. What are we going to do? We need a break. Something will work out. I don’t know what… but somehow we’ll find a way. We have to do it for our sanity… and maybe our health!

Wednesday

5/24/06 - One Foot in Front of the Other

Again today I feel nauseous. I know now why some women choose not to work during chemo. It’s really hard to push myself out the door in the mornings when I feel so bad. Yet, for me, I know working is the right choice. If I stayed home all the time… I would lose my will to stay strong. And I would likely fall into depression. It’s tough to be here… when I feel so weak physically… weak emotionally too. If someone asks me how I am while a wave of nausea is coming over me, tears start to fall. Then I feel embarrassed. By next week, I’ll likely feel quite good and energetic. I guess everyone understands I’m doing the best I can. I shouldn’t worry about what others think… everyone here at work has shown me nothing but wonderful, loving support.

Water still tastes so awful… oily and metallic… yuck. Going to work, I drove out of my way to get some tea. I think it was partially to enjoy the sunshine too!

Ric invited listeners to call in for a V100 Listener Poll on who would win the American Idol competition. He took just slightly over 100 calls… and it was something like 87 for Taylor and 24 for Katharine. Will this poll represent the actual outcome? We’ll see. I have a feeling it will.

American Idol Results Night. Wow! What an entertaining show… all kinds of guest stars… returning Idol competitors… and lots of numbers by Katharine and Taylor. And the new American Idol… Taylor Hicks! He was overcome and happy. Katharine did not seem surprised… she was obviously gracious and happy for Taylor. Nice kids.

I asked Ric what we would do now on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. He’s ready to watch reruns of House… and continue to keep the TV addiction going. House has a fascinating story line… but it’s too graphic and intense for me. No thanks… I think.

Off to bed again… another tough, exhausting day. I worry that my body is getting too weak. I’ve never felt like this in my life. I just hope I can hang on through eight more weeks of treatments, without missing any. You know what? I’m sure I can. Countless other women have already done this before me… I can do it as well. I will stand on the strength of those courageous women… and hang in there too!

I believe it’s times like this… when I get discouraged and worried… and suddenly find new resolve… that other people’s prayers are at work… lending their time and energy… through God… to me.

Tuesday

5/23/06 - Rough Start

Woke up feeling nauseous this morning… took medication for it. Went to work… there for about 20 minutes and stomach cramps started. In and out of the bathroom for nearly two hours. Just wears me out… I find myself holding onto the walls again, walking with my eyes half closed. I can barely stand up. Started to feel better just before my air shift at 10:00, but I was still exhausted. I use all the energy I have when I crack the mic… it’s pretty easy to do for one minute at a time. But in between on-air breaks… it’s a battle. Even though it’s hard, I’m still glad I’m working… whatever time I’m doing anything at work… my focus is off of how I feel. If I stayed at home, I would just be constantly miserable… I know I wouldn’t make the effort to do even things I enjoy. This is the best it can be right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Frivolous End

Went home early… took a two hour nap. Got up and warmed up some dinner for Ric and I. We watched American Idol… Finals Night! Their performances were very good… afterall these are the top two. Katharine had a bit of trouble on her final number… a song “somebody” wrote for her as her first single… “My Destiny.” What a dumb, stupid, corny, ridiculous song. It would be hard for anyone to sing a song like that with a straight face! I know she has the ability to sing it wonderfully, but she just didn’t do it tonight… sad. Taylor, however, had a corny song to sing too… “Do I Make You Proud?” But he sang it with style, passion, and energy… and it worked! Magnificent! I felt like his mother… wanting to say out loud, “Yes, Taylor, you make me proud!” I have a feeling that he’s going to win. The last impression he left was pretty darn good. Katharine has the best vocal… but Taylor has the edge on entertaining. I’ll be happy no matter who wins… I’m sure both will have a career… or at least some success.

Idol over… I’m done… off to bed. At least it’s dark… I made it that long.

Monday

5/22/06 - Three Days

Saturday.

Ended up not sleeping much last night… awake till after 5 a.m. Did I sleep too much during the day? I don’t know… I would reach a point where I couldn’t keep my eyes open… so I had to sleep. Is it the medicines I’m taking? Probably. Have to take ‘em. Well, since Friday was my sleepless night this time… I’ll be able to sleep tonight for sure… and go to church on Sunday morning. That’s good.

Very tired all day today… just had to push myself to go to work… and get through the day. Tomorrow will be better.

Sunday.

Slept well and woke up feeling really good. We went to church on a beautiful sunny morning… out to lunch with Dennis and Holly… just a delightful time.

My mom and dad bought a new wig for me… it has long, straight hair… I think it’s my new favorite! Had the energy to put on make-up, and dress up for church… I actually felt pretty! Wow… how’s that for being in the middle of chemo?

It ‘s been a nice relaxing day… I needed it… but got suddenly very, very tired. I didn’t want to go to bed before dark, but had no choice.

Monday.

Slept very restlessly last night… woke up tired… but got ready for work. Put on my new wig, make-up… tried to make myself look better than I felt… hoping the good feelings would follow. It was a tough morning… severe stomach cramps for a couple hours… but I knew it would pass… and it did. All the bad stuff is temporary.

Seems like the days following chemo are just about getting through. Well no, not really… I’m grateful for the times I feel good. But I don’t seem to be learning much… it’s just a matter of hanging on… passing the time until I can count on feeling somewhat healthy again. Boring. How does Ric put up with this day after day? If he’s weary of the cycle… he never lets me know. He lets me set the pace… and we do what we can. I hugged him so tight before going to sleep last night… I love going through the days with him!

Today is Jill’s birthday. Another day that I would have spent with her… but just not able to travel even half the distance to meet her for dinner. This is one of the things I hate about this time in my life… missing out on special events. But of course… I’ll get well… and have tons of celebrations and wonderful times with my family. Again… this too is… temporary.

Now’s a time I should remember to be grateful that I’m on the way to complete healing… with every reason to believe that after the chemo and radiation… my life will return to normal. And I know it will… no reason to be sad… I have great things in my future!

Friday

5/19/06 - Day After

I’m so happy… I made it through the night without being sick. I’m still quite tired, but not nearly as bad as when I’ve been sick all the night… that was just too much drain on my body. I thought about going to work when I woke up not sick… but still felt more than the usual tiredness… and slightly dizzy after I was up for a while… and I knew I still need this day for rest and recuperation. As it was I took two 2-hour naps and one 1-hour nap…so obviously my body needed rest. I have to work tomorrow… so best to rest now… and be better for it for the next days and weeks. No guilt… I’m doing what I need to do to save my life.

Relay for Life

Danny and Gwen are walking in the Relay for Life tonight in Parkersburg from 1:00am-2:00am in my honor! Danny said he’s always read about the Relay for Life and has seen it on TV… and other events like it… and just thought “That’s nice… it’s a good thing,” and then went on to his next thought. But this year he read about it… and it had brand new meaning… and decided he would do this for his Mom! It always makes me proud when my children do good things… and let their hearts be touched to take positive steps (literally in this case!J) to make a difference.

The Bread of Life

I don’t have to worry about cooking, or rather worry about Ric having to cook, for the next few days. Jean, Sandy, Holly… have all made sure we’re stocked up for the weekend! Wow… this is amazing.

Mister Roger’s Neighborhood

Well, since I slept away most of the day… not much else to write about. Oh… we went to the bookstore tonight… and I bought the little book, “Life’s Journeys… according to Mister Rogers,” by Fred Rogers. (Oh how I love that my children got to grow up with his marvelous show on TV.) One of the first things that struck me was on page 15…
Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can
be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less
overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with
that important talk can help us know that we’re not alone.

Thursday

5/18/06 - Reasons for Everything

Thursday… chemo today… it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Didn’t get much sleep last night… now two nights in a row. Wish I was going into this treatment feeling better than I do. But really, I’m just tired… normal tired, nothing serious or unusual… so I’ll probably be just fine. I’ve got a new plan ready to go, with the medications. And I’ll likely sleep a lot tomorrow… so it may not be so bad. I need to get my head back to thinking more positively… but the reality is, chemo is not easy. At any rate… after today’s treatment, I’ll be half-way finished. Yeah! This is all really a lesson about life – sometimes we have to travel on some rough road to get where we want to be – and sometimes we have to travel some rough road to be able to truly help others. I’m reminded of a story about Ghandi, where a mother asked him to help her hyperactive son give up sugar so he would be healthier. Ghandi told her to come back in 3 months. Astonished and bewildered, she nevertheless did as he asked. When she and her son came back… Ghandi looked the young boy in the eyes and calmly described how good he would feel if he no longer ate sugar, giving him some very specific examples. The young boy’s eyes lit up… with understanding… and excitedly accepted Ghandi’s words… willing to change his eating habits. The mother thanked Ghandi, but asked him why it was necessary to have waited three months. Ghandi replied that first he himself had to know what it would be like to eat no sugar, and personally experience the benefits, in order to be able to honestly communicate with her son.

Ric… Gives me Life!

When I talked with Debby last night… she said she was beginning to think that she would never get to talk to me… both because of our missed phone calls to each other… plus having read my journal, she thought I was way too busy to ever catch at home! It did make me realize how active I have been able to be through all this. I must give credit to Ric. He goes out of his way to make sure we’re out and about… that we enjoy a “normal” life within reason… going out to eat… going to concerts… hanging out at the bookstore, etc. Because Ric and I are so close in all this, I sometimes miss seeing what’s right in my face. I’m aware that I’m lucky to be able to have my cancer treatments right here in Charleston, where I also live and work. What I take for granted are all the things Ric and I do together, that are just pure entertainment and fun… and lift my heart. Ric should write a book on what a caregiver can do! He was lost and bewildered at first… feeling so out of control because he couldn’t FIX anything… but has found his way to think of and do things that keep my heart happy! What a precious gift of real love.

Receiving Gifts…

Some sweet person (who’s apparently been reading my Journal) brought two bottles of cranberry juice… 100% cranberry juice… to the station today, in a beautiful gift bag, with a card saying she was praying, caring and thinking of me… unsigned. I don’t know who to thank… but I was grateful. I felt a bit guilty though… I don’t want people to think my journal is a request for things. I just write down what I’m feeling at the time… and the next day I often see things differently and move past a negative experience. However, I was still drinking the yucky cranberry juice cocktail, but now the real stuff is chilling in the fridge! Actually, I realized that people… including people I don’t even know… do care… and want to do something to make a difference in my life. I still need to learn the lesson of receiving… if I can’t receive the gift… the giver doesn’t get the pleasure of giving. (Plus… I will no doubt have countless opportunities to be the giver of gifts too.)
… and Love

Also, I have this strong belief that everything we do… good and bad… reverberates throughout the world… and becomes a part of our collective consciousness. So when we do something good for anybody… it actually serves everybody. I have many people who tell me that I’m doing a good thing by going public about my breast cancer, and even making this journal public… but the truth is everybody has a part in this whole experience… anyone who’s sent an e-mail, a card, a gift, flowers, food, said a prayer, or thought a good thought… recharges my batteries to keep going, and to keep sharing. And I’d like to believe that if people feel compelled to do good things for me… they will also feel compelled to do good things for anyone.

When I was just 14 years old, I saw Maya Angelou for the first time on TV… and she said “We are all capable of great good and great evil.” Those words have been with me ever since… and have greatly shaped my life. It made me realize that my life experience gave me an opportunity to make better choices… not everyone is really created equal.., and not everyone has an opportunity to make good choices. Many will disagree with me… there are people who can rise above adversity… I’ve done so many times in my life. But not everyone has somebody to look up to, someone to emulate, someone to let them know God is there for all his children. Everyone needs a little love. Especially the ones who are the most difficult to love.

Sometimes… often… we make the mistake of thinking love has to be earned… deserved. I know that’s why at times I have so much trouble receiving a compliment… or a gift… sometimes I even feel like I’m putting a burden on other people to pray for me. But it’s the idea we get that everything costs, everything has to be paid for. But merit has nothing to do with it. Otherwise we would love only saints. And again, everyone needs love.

Reminders

My new friend and BCS (breast cancer survivor) Sandy reminded me today, after reading my “Pothole” journal entry… that no matter what little thing I get obsessed with (like appearance issues)… I have the hope of tomorrow. I treasured those words… and will keep them in my heart to recall when I think things are tougher than they really are. She also said that I’m entitled to feel whatever I feel… I’m entitled to those feelings and have earned them. But like she said… I have the hope of tomorrow. She also asked me to play “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker for anyone that has had a bad hair day… or a no hair day! J

And an e-mail from another new friend who seems to intuitively know what scriptures will bring me peace at particular points in my journey… sent me this: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You.” –Isaiah 26:3. And… “Peace carries with it the idea of unity, completeness, rest, ease, and security. Notice the key phrase in that verse: whose mind is stayed on You. When troubles hit, our minds naturally focus on them. When suffering comes, all we can think about is the pain. It takes a deliberate act of the will to turn away from the problem and focus our minds on God. When our minds are stayed on God, we won’t be worried about the future, because we know it is in His hands. We won’t tremble over what might happen, because our lives are built upon the solid rock of Christ. – Rev. Billy Graham

And the Countdown Begins

Well, it’s nearly 7:00 now… and I still feel really good!

It’s 7:50 and I feel that puffy feeling around my eyes… weird, but that’s the first sensation I get that I’m starting to fade. Gonna try to stay up till 8:00… that’s when I’m scheduled to take medicine. Going to go ahead and take the Phenergan now… and try to keep ahead of the nausea as Dr. Cohen suggested.

7:45… really tired.

8:00… meds and to bed… not feeling real well, but not too bad either as compared to the other three times.

8:30… took the one more “just in case you need it” anti-nausea medicine. I’ve done all I can now, including drinking tons of water. Back to bed and hope for the best. I know you’re here with me, God… it’s a comfort.

Woke up several times to go to the bathroom… feeling slightly nauseous, but not bad.

2:15 am… woke up to go to the bathroom… I’m NOT SICK! I knew that my threshold of time to be sick had passed. Yeah! I’m going to make it through this night.

Wednesday

5/17/06a - What Day is This?

Today is May 17… I thought yesterday was the 17th… what day is this? Today is Wednesday… had a good day at work, with lots of energy. Had appointment with Dr. Cohen after work. Let’s see, what do I need to remember this time? In addition to the anti-nausea medicine that I take on a strict schedule… take the other “as needed” anti-nausea medicines before I get sick… don’t wait for feelings of nausea (since it’s apparently something I can expect)… take the Phenergan as a preventive measure. Keep ahead of the nausea this time. I’m so accustomed to using very little medication that even now I can’t seem to get it through my head that medication is not a last resort… it’s okay to use it at the very moment, and even before, it’s needed. Okay… I’m ready.

Also, I’ll take a reduced dosage of the steroid this time… maybe that will prevent the sleeplessness that follows a day or so after chemo.

I do need to watch my weight. The steroid causes a huge increase in appetite. I’ve read where women often gain weight while undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer… now I understand why. I go for several days with no appetite because of the nausea… then it seems like I can’t get enough to eat… and then I eat too much while trying to find something that tastes good. He said it’s nothing to feel guilty about… it’s normal to cry when we’re sad, take medicine when we hurt… and eat when we’re hungry. Just watch the calories and the kind of food I eat. (Wow… it’s seems like if a girl’s gotta be sick… she should at least get to lose weight.)

This is the last time I will have Adriamycine and Cytoxen… next four treatments will be Taxol. Good news is there’s less of the nausea and fatigue side effects. The trade-off, if there will be one, is bone and muscle pain, numbness and tingling in hands and feet. There are medications for the pain… if it occurs. I will be taking more of the steroid… oh boy. But… I may very well have an easier time… and of course, if I don’t… it’s still temporary.

More good news! I discussed being around my grandchildren with Dr. Cohen. He said as long as they’re not sick… go for it. Strep throat would be something I would definitely not want to be around. But if they’re healthy… enjoy them! He offered to write a prescription for me that said… “Take grandchildren in your arms… hug ‘em and kiss ‘em and love ‘me.” He said it would be the best medicine for me. So… this weekend is out, because I’ll be pretty much down and out… but as soon as I’m feeling good again… watch out, Tierra, Sophie, Gage and Kaiden… here I come!

I’m a little concerned about how I’ll feel after this treatment. Although I feel pretty good today, I’m not going into this 4th treatment as well as I have the others. I’ve been really stressed… and although the depression is gone for now… I sense that it’s lurking just around the corner ready to take over at the slightest sign of weakness. I feel very vulnerable this time… and even a little scared.

Let’s see… what can I do about this? Just keep focusing on getting well enough to see my kids and grandkids… that’s certainly something to look forward to. I need to get out and walk too… that’ll help both to keep my weight down… and to just make me feel better. I always feel better when I’m exercising. Keep praying… remembering it’s okay to pray for myself. God, please help me to understand what I’m supposed to be doing at this time… remind me of my purpose… help me to overcome the things that trouble me.

Reunited

After more missed phone calls each way this evening… Debby and I finally connected tonight. We talked on the phone for I think nearly two hours! We discussed how at the same time in our lives, we’ve encountered life-changing trials. Even though we’ve been out of touch for a few years now… our lives are still evolving in a similar direction… wanting different things in our lives… making changes to eliminate stress and worry less… forgiving ourselves for past mistakes… remembering that we’ve always tried to do the best we could with the information we had at the time. And we spent time laughing… about childhood memories… things that make us nuts!… and how many years we’ve been friends! That “number” will be our secret J! It was so good to talk again… Debby’s voice still sounds the same… she said mine did too… yep, we’re still 20-something.

Another Gift

Nervous about tomorrow’s treatment and the following days… My bedtime reading from the “Footprints” devotional, just happened to be:

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
Your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
Your consolation brought joy to my soul.
-- Psalm 94: 18-19

The Lord upholds all those who fall
And lifts up all who are bowed down.
-- Psalm 145:14

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
A stronghold in times of trouble.
-- Psalm 9:9

Though we may face trouble and difficulties, sadness and pain, God is still in control, and he is always with us.

5/17/06 - Feeling Good

When people ask me how I’m doing… it’s good to be able to say “Great!” I did, however, wake up with a bit of a scratchy throat and stopped up nose… and felt a slight panic… wondering how a cold would affect me… whether it would be dangerous… whether it could cancel a chemo treatment and get me behind schedule. But it was only slight… and went away after I was up for a short while. As it was, I had a scheduled appointment with my regular doctor today… she said it was likely just the weather or pollen causing the problem.

Missing My Friend

Good energy today… stayed at work later than usual. Went home not tired. I picked up the phone to call Debby… the battery was low. Put it on the charger… ‘cause I knew we would talk a long time! (My dad always said when Debby and I got together we sounded like a couple Martians we talked so much and so fast J) Danny called… while we were talking someone was trying to ring in… but I thought I would check my messages when I was finished talking with my son. Checked my message… it was Debby! Tried to call her right back… busy… again… busy… again a little later… busy. Put phone back on the charger. Tried to call again… no answer. Now why are we not connecting tonight?

Frivolity

Watched American Idol tonight. Oh, I hope it’s Katharine and Taylor who make it to the finals. Wouldn’t it be fun to see those two sing a duet together? Ah… romantic. Truly, Katherine gave superb performances… and Taylor was right behind her. We’ll see the results tomorrow.

Tuesday

5/16/06 - A Play Date

Got up this morning and felt… well, normal! Yeah… healthy again! Yuck… chemo on Thursday. Oh, Jeanne, don’t spend time thinking about that… Thursday will be here for sure… don’t waste time dreading it. You’ve got a few days to enjoy feeling really good… days of choosing how to spend them… not just doing only what you can. And after the treatment on Thursday, I will be half-way through!

Some of us from a painting class from last year, gathered together this evening to paint. It just so happens that Peggy is undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma. One year ago we were painting with hair… and now we’re painting with little or none! Who knew? Peggy is just as happy and jolly as ever… illness hasn’t diminished her spirit one bit. What fun we all had tonight… painting, laughing, going around the table admiring each other’s work! We’re making plans for another therapy… uh, painting… session again soon.

That’s What Friends Are For

I received a card and letter in the mail from Debby… my best friend from childhood and school days! I should have been the one to contact her, but she wrote to me. Her mother’s death has been so difficult for her… yet she still thinks of me. Debby’s letter both broke my heart and filled me with joy. I cried in both. We live hours away from each other now… and we keep losing touch… and coming back. Debby recounted many of the things that only the two of us know about… funny things we did, trouble we got into, games we played, talks we had, mistakes we made. One of the biggest (and most comical) mistakes we ever made, we made together:

Debby and I were flag carriers in our high school band… we carried the banner that proudly led our award-winning band through the streets in parades and up and down the football field. One night we played our rival… and won! Our band marched up and down the rival’s field, playing our school song. Now, Debby and I are both extremely near-sighted and wore glasses when we had to see (contacts weren’t an option at the time). We did not wear glasses when we marched… wanting to look our very best, of course. Anyway, as we were proudly – straight backs, knees lifting high, smiles wide and bright – marched up and down the field, we began to sense that the sound of drums and trumpets was fading, and then it stopped! We turned around and the rest of the band had marched off the field… only Debby and I had turned around to make one more trip!!! I can’t remember how we left the field… whether we remained “dignified” or ducked and ran. When we reached our fellow band members, everyone was screaming and laughing… and our normally very strict band director, was rolling on the ground holding his stomach, laughing, and muttering the words, “It was the blind, leading the blind!”

Those were the days… images of our whole childhood just flashed through my mind… many of them involving our parents… and Debby’s are both gone. And still I wonder… how do I help her? You know what… she helped me just by writing to me. She can’t take away the sickness… but she did take the time to tell me she cares. I will call her tomorrow.

Monday

5/15/06 - Life in a Pothole

It’s been days since I’ve written in my Journal. I’ve been in and out of depression so often these last few days. Now being keenly aware that my Journal is actually being read by other people, I’ve not written for many reasons… mainly the depression. I’d totally forgotten that the only real reason to journal right now is for my own therapy… an opportunity to let things pour out of my mind… onto “paper”… where they can get sorted out, shuffled around like puzzle pieces… and put together in a picture that makes sense. I forgot that I can write whatever I want… and then make a decision as to whether or not to post the entry on-line. A side benefit is a written record of lessons I’m learning… so when I forget them (and I do… and will)… I can recall… and invoke the learning into my life again. But I forgot all that… thinking only that I can’t write… because the story is not particularly pretty right now… not at all interesting… nothing profound is being learned… I’m not at a point where I can be inspiring to anyone… and day after day I shun the very tool God has given me at this time in my life… to heal! Additionally, Ric pointed out to me that as far as other people reading my journal goes… it would be unfair not to write about the difficult times. What I’m going through right now is part of the journey. Anyone reading my journal for the purpose of understanding their own cancer/chemotherapy experience… and encountering a time of desperation and depression… would welcome the knowledge that someone else spent some time in this pothole too! I’ve not been so depressed that I can’t see the end of it… I constantly reminded myself that this is temporary… and one day I’ll look back on what I’ve overcome. And today… I find myself beginning to overcome. (Now I wish I would have had the courage to pull out this laptop in the depths of my despair and write… but I didn’t… so today I return to my flat little friend… better late than never!)

What did I spend so much time agonizing about?

1. THE WAY I LOOK. I feel like I wear the same old clothes everyday. One day a pair of jeans can be too tight… and a week later too big. I don’t have any scales (on purpose)… but my weight must be wildly fluctuating. Some days I have to force myself to eat… and some days I eat all the time. My appetite is just crazy… certainly affected by the chemo and other drugs I have to take. I went to the mall and kept catching glimpses of myself in the mirrors… and hated what I saw! I realize now that I was probably walking the way I perceived myself to be… that my slouch reflected the beaten down way I felt. I’d see other women, dressed beautifully, terrific hairstyle, manicured nails, dazzling jewelry, terrific shoes… and they were shopping for more clothes, jewelry and shoes. They were laughing and giggling and sparkling! And there was Jeanne in the mirror here and again over there… dumpy, ugly, shabby (not shabby-chic)… sick and pale and sad. I mostly walked looking down, which served to be a double whammy. There can be no spring in your step when you’re looking down… and looking down made me see my shoes (oh no, here with go again with shoes)… which were my most comfortable pair of dockers… badly in need of some polish, little strings reaching out from the stitching saying “Everyone look down! Can you believe how Jeanne has neglected us? Look, look… look at Jeanne’s shoes! Everyone… look at how bad ALL of Jeanne looks!”

2. MONEY. Although I have really good medical insurance… this week I’ve started to get notices from my insurance company of some rather large amounts that are not going to be covered. And I just can’t imagine how I’ll ever be able to pay these bills. I’ve hesitated to write about this worry… mainly because I know it’s going to be read by other people… and I don’t want it to sound like a plea for financial aid. But again, I’m not the first, nor the last, to have to face this financial challenge… so I have to write about the sheer terror this sends through me. (So… to anyone who is reading this… don’t send me money!!! Instead… if you’ve dealt with overwhelming medical expenses… write to me and tell me how you dealt with or are dealing with it.) It makes me not only depressed, but angry, that at a time when I’m trying to take care of myself, indulge in naps to get the additional rest I need, take vitamins, drink water, follow doctor’s orders, stay cheerful, and keep my damned spirits up!… that the very medical community that’s doing an amazing job at healing and curing me… is preparing to send me bills that will send me into physical and emotional trauma! I know I’ve already learned that “don’t worry” lesson… but I need a refresher course… I can’t pass this test right now.

3. FAMILY. I miss my grandchildren like crazy. It’s risky for me to be around kids in school… or daycare… because they carry so many viruses. But I know women get cancer who have children at home… and they survive. So I’m constantly in a quandary. Why not be with them? I love them… they make me happy! Then I think why take the chance… an infection can be life threatening. Why take the risk? What I really want is a long lifetime of being with my grandchildren. But my heart aches for time with my kids and grandchildren.

4. MOTHER'S DAY. On Saturday, I kept dreading Sunday. I was going to be alone. My children have had colds… Ric was going to Marietta to be with his son. My mother lives too far away for me to drive at this time. I have friends I could have called and planned time with. But I felt it best to plan a day of sulking and crying… seriously! Maybe get it all out of my system and move on. I also remembered my best friend from childhood, Debby. Her mother died at the end of April. My Mom told me after it happened. I have not been able to call Debby yet… I don’t know how to console her… I don’t know how (with both my parents still alive) I can offer her any comfort (with both of her parents now gone). I won’t be with my family tomorrow, but I will next year. How do I make Debby’s heartache go away?

5. THE UNRELIABILITY OF JEANNE. So many crying spells. Sometimes I could feel them coming on… sometimes they took me by surprise. Sometimes just a tear or two down my cheek… sometimes wailing. Often when I was alone… sometimes (embarrassingly) when others were around.

6. CREATIVITY. I wanted to paint… and couldn’t think of anything to paint. I looked through my books and didn’t believe I could paint any of those pictures. I played the piano and made too many mistakes. I tried to play the guitar… but my fingers hurt. I wanted to write… but believed I had nothing to write about.

7. JAMES TAYLOR. I went to his concert… and loved it. Got to see it with my husband and our dear friends. But I fought sickness the entire time. It was a battle to stand up and clap. I wondered while I was at the concert, if I would remember it the next day. I did. I always will. But for the last several days… everything has been a struggle.

8. CRANBERRY JUICE. I went to the grocery store just before my last chemo treatment to stock up on cranberry juice. On sale was the store brand “cranberry juice cocktail” Now I’m a big believer in pure cranberry juice, 100% cranberry juice, the real thing… but lured by the price of 2 for $4.00… less than the price of one bottle of the real thing… I stocked up on several bottles of crap. At first I thought my taste buds were so screwed up that even cranberry juice didn’t taste good this time… but when my taste buds revived I still didn’t like it, thinking it tasted like Kool-Aid… and then I realized: Jeanne, you big dummy… you didn’t buy cranberry juice… how can you expect it to taste like cranberry juice. Now I’m drinking all this crap, because I paid for it… and it seems like I’m never going to finish it off… and be able to go back and buy the real stuff.

9. KATHY MATTEA. I went to her concert… and loved it. Got to see it with my husband and dear friends from Marietta. But I fought sickness part of the time. It wasn’t, however, a battle to stand up and clap. I did not need to take any prescribed drugs this week, so I knew I would remember the concert the next day. I did have several periods of stomach cramps… I did start to cry in the midst of our friends, and the crowd… I was embarrassed… but I recovered (physically and emotionally).

10. THE WAY I LOOK. Yes… back to this. It really wasn’t the cranberry juice cocktail that caused my depression… or James Taylor. The other things… well, not a cause, but certainly things that I deal with. The way I looked was a pervading thought, however. Ric told me that everything I saw at the mall that day was a poke at my appearance… I perceived the disease was changing me… my physical self was trying to tell my soul that I was defeated. The Darkness was trying to overcome the Light. God waits for us to call on the Light. Darkenss cannot overcome the Light.

Today was Mother’s Day. I was alone, but not really. I talked to all the mothers in my life on the phone… starting with my Mom… and my daughter… and my mother-in-law… and my sister-in-law. And you know what? When it’s the best you can do… the telephone is an amazing little blessing! After and between the phone calls, I kept busy all day. Never sat down, except to talk on the phone. I did several loads of laundry, including curtains, washed dishes, cleared the living room and dining room of as much as I could to prepare for painting, took the outlet and switchplate covers off the walls, gathered up newspapers for recycling, bought cat food and toilet paper at Target, put gas in the car… all in all a day most people would have considered a sad way to spend Mother’s Day. But somehow I made it through feeling quite good. Why? Was it because I kept moving? Was it because when I couldn’t pray anymore, Ric prayed for me?

Wednesday

5/10/06 - Another Poor Me Day

Haven’t written for a couple days… I’ve been having a difficult time. The tiredness and fatigue is not going away. I got up and went to work yesterday morning expecting things to get better. I found myself walking in the hallway, everything fuzzy, not sure I could stand up to get back to my desk. Mike, a co-worker found me… helped me to my desk… got water for me. In a short while I was feeling better. It was an agonizing day though. Came home, slept for 3 hours or so again.

Ric came home from work and mowed the yard. I sat inside and cried. I was so depressed… can’t bounce back this time. Danny called and wanted to come down this weekend to take us out for Mother’s Day dinner. I don’t even know if I’ll feel well enough to do it. I hate being sick. I hate not being able to make plans with my children. I hate this! I hate this!

Ate some vegetable soup… texture and temperature… that’s all there was to it… no taste.

Watched American Idol and went to bed.

Woke up this morning… still feeling sick and tired… but maybe not as bad as yesterday? Got ready for work, hoping to start feeling better… but still a struggle just to move. Went to tell Ric goodbye, and he asked me how I was feeling. I just started to cry… “I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.”

I did start feeling a bit better during the time I was at work today… even stayed about an hour longer. Came home and napped for about an hour… woke up feeling a little nauseous, but… a little more rested. I think tomorrow will be better.

American Idol results tonight. I should’ve voted… I’m worried about Katharine.

Even though I wasn’t sure if I was tired or sick, I took a Phenergan… and felt better! Ate some soup… homemade… as far as I’m concerned… I mixed a can of vegetable soup and a can of chili tomatoes together! I’ll save some for Ric… he’ll be impressed!

Idol Results… I should’ve been worried about Chris… I can’t believe he was the one to go tonight. I thought the final three would be Katharine, Taylor and Chris. Elliott’s still in. Now tell me, would anyone really buy a ticket to see an entire concert with Elliott? Oh I sound so mean… but this is a competition… and only one can win… and it should be the one with the best singing voice, the one who can sell records, the one who can not only sing but also entertain… the one who can sell concerts! That would be Katherine, Taylor, or… Chris!

What will we do on Tuesday and Wednesday nights when Idol is over?!?! What will we talk about on Thursdays?!?! :-)

Monday

5/8/06 - Slow Days

The last time I looked at the clock last night (or morning)… it was 5:17 a.m. – I had been awake for nearly 24 hours. How can one be so extremely tired… and yet not sleep? Woke up this morning at about 10:30… the normally lazy cats, found a little toy that scooted across the hardwood floor… under the bed!… quite nicely… back and forth… back and forth… both Mokie and Dot going after the same little red stuffed mouse.

It was a slow day. Ric and I went out for a bite to eat… and to get out of the house. Very tired… went to bed early… and went to sleep and slept through most of the night.

Today… back to work. I am so tired… I find myself holding onto the walls sometimes when I walk. It’s a really tough day. I feel slightly disoriented and it’s difficult to concentrate. I’ll bounce back in a day or so… this is temporary, I must remember. Ric finished my shift for me today… I did some website work and then came home. Took a 3-1/2 hour nap, but woke up just as tired as before I went to sleep.

I know I need food… but everything tastes so awful. Water is just hideous…so I’m drinking cranberry juice, and even it has a slight chemical taste to it. A teaspoonful of crunchy peanut butter… that’s all I can get down. Everything else in the refrigerator or cabinets makes me gag just to think about. A pizza… that’s what I wish I had right now… pepperoni, sausage, banana peppers! Usually a veggie pizza is what I would want… I’m so weird now. Even if I had a pizza right now, it would probably taste like cardboard.

The James Taylor Concert is tonight… we’re going with our good friends, Steve & Debbie. I’m so glad for especially Ric and Steve… they sing so many of J.T.’s songs… it’s going to be a real thrill for them to see him live tonight. I’ll be moving slow, but I’m excited to be going. Wonder if J.T. will be throwing out pizza slices to his fans?

Saturday

5/6/06 - Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

What a great morning. Over 4,000 people were at the Race! It was a cool, sunny day… perfect for running, walking and mingling. I met so many wonderful, caring, thoughtful people… lots of Survivors, sharing their successes. V100 received an award for Largest Corporate Team… we had over 300 people on our team! A group of adults and teens from the Freedom Christian Academy presented Ric and I with a very special gift… money for a dinner at Sitar! The best part of the gift was all their smiling faces as they gave it to us… what a beautiful spirit among this group of people. Sitar has always been one of our favorite restaurants… and now with my taste buds sometimes wreaking havoc… I love the hot, spicy Indian food even more… I can taste it!

I took lots of pictures… tried to get all the V100 team members… but it was impossible. It was great to see all the Breast Cancer Survivors cross the finish line… many of them running… and some well in front of the pack. One more reassurance that life goes on after diagnosis and treatment. Next year I’ll be walking in the race… and crossing the finish line!

During last night’s interview with WSAZ, Penny asked me about my feelings about the loss of my hair. Part of the response was that I usually like to wear a wig, because it helps me to feel more how I actually do feel most of the time… healthy. And that I sometimes hesitate to wear just a hat, because I’m afraid I look sick. I decided to wear a ballcap (Susan G. Komen) with a pink scarf that my granddaughter, Tierra, bought for me, to the Race. It just seemed the right thing to do… not to hide the fact that I was undergoing chemo… at an event to raise awareness about breast cancer. Lots and lots of people told me I looked really cute… and that made me feel good. However, one lady, a politician no less, pointed her finger in my face and said “I saw your interview on TV last night… and you’re right… you should have worn the wig!” I was so hurt, and for a few seconds felt so ugly. I gave her a very nasty look, rolled my eyes and walked away. She tapped on my shoulder, and said she didn’t mean to offend me, but I told her it was too late. To her credit, she later sought me out and apologized and said she didn’t mean it the way it sounded. (Since I know I’m going to post this journal entry on line, and since she apologized, I won’t put her name here… but just so everyone knows, it was NOT Betty Ireland, who was at the race, and who was very gracious, sweet and supportive of me… and it was NOT Natalie Tennant, who was at the race, and who is always kind, and working hard in the community to support good causes! Those were the only 3 females holding/running for political office I saw at the race… I just want to protect the ones who didn’t say that to me! I know… I worry too much.)

Overall of course, the Race was just a tremendous, uplifting, inspiring, awesome experience… probably especially for me at this time in my life… but I could tell that hundreds, if not thousands, were also impacted by the event. So many breast cancer survivors and other folks let me know I was in their prayers… and offered encouragement and support… and shared their own survivor stories. I loved meeting everyone. I’m not sure, but I think I heard someone say over $200,000 was raised too! Whooo, hoooo!

Post-Race

Came home to take a nap, because I was really weary… but just laid there… couldn’t sleep. Oh well, maybe rest was all I needed. Ric came home from work… and later we went to Sitar for dinner! Muy delicioso! Oh, that’s Spanish. Don’t know how to say “very delicious” in the Indian language. But it was wonderful!

Saturday Changes to Sunday

I woke up at 6:00 this morning… before the alarm went off… wide awake! It’s now after 2:00 a.m. and I’m still awake. I’ve been up for over 20 hours… and no sign of sleep in sight. I’ve read, turned out the lights, turned them back on, read some more… turned out the lights… went downstairs and played the piano (Ric can sleep through anything)… decided to write in my journal. It must be the medications I’m taking… I recall this happening last time after chemo. Just a few more days of these meds… then I’ll sleep again.

But for now, my mind just races. I remember today, Deborah Linz from TV-8 was the emcee at the Race… and she called for me to come from the crowd and go up on stage and speak about my diagnosis and how I was getting along. I wasn’t prepared to talk today… but I took the mic and did. I don’t have any idea what I said. But I can’t help but remember the time I was in school and passed out when I had to give a speech. A kind teacher, who didn’t even know me, said, “Jeanie,” (that’s the way I spelled my name then) “I think I know something that can help you.” “What’s that?” I asked. “I think it would be very beneficial for you to take a speech class,” she replied. I thought she was absolutely crazy! How could I put myself through such an agonizing, humiliating experience again? I don’t recall how… but I found myself in the class. I had been pretty much a straight-A student, but my first six-week’s grade in that class was a “D”. I could write the speeches, but I couldn’t present them in front of the class. But somehow, I learned to do it… and in the final grading period… I reached my “A.” Most of my classes had come easy to me… this one I had to work for… and work hard! It was more of an accomplishment than any “A” easily received.

I remember the time when I was even younger… and I wanted something… I don’t recall what… maybe a bicycle… maybe a hula hoop… maybe a tea set… I just don’t recall. Anyway I asked my parents for it… and my Dad said, “Okay, Jeanie… I’ll make you a bargain.” I have no idea what he said after that… I just remember the word “bargain”… and not knowing what it really meant… I conjured up in my mind a beautiful little playhouse. Whatever I had originally wanted faded completely from my mind, because now I was going to get something even better… a Bargain! I waited for days for Daddy to get started on it… never saw the wood arrive… no paint… Mommy wasn’t making any little curtains… no little furniture appeared… when was Daddy going to start building my Bargain? I think weeks passed before I got up the nerve to ask when they were going to build my Bargain. I faintly remember confused looks, and talking back and forth, trying to figure out what each other meant. I’m sure there was laughter… but I don’t really recall how it all got resolved. I do remember though having a little play area just for me out on the back porch.

I also remember in later years, when I was about 12 yrs old… and wanting a bicycle… but my Dad’s plant was on strike… and knew it wasn’t going to happen… but it did… my parents bought a used bicycle for me… and it was beautiful… and such a surprise. I still have a scar on the side of my knee from my first wreck… but I recall many, many wonderful days of riding my bike with my friends! My two best friends were Debby and Brenda… they were cousins… and often their mothers bought them matching dresses. That year they bought one for me too… and we all three had dresses alike. And I remember the year my parents bought my sister and I life-size dolls… the latest craze. At the time I had blonde hair, and my sister had brown… I immediately went to the doll with brown hair and my sister to the blonde doll. Mom had meant for us to have the one with the same color hair we had. Sometimes a girl’s gotta match… sometime a girl needs different. Why am I remembering all the childhood stuff? One little speech in the morning… takes me back to a time when I couldn’t speak in front of a group. Life is full of things to overcome… confusion and misunderstanding… finding safe little places all your own. And along the way we find blessings unexpected… wonder… love… laughter. The things we want and think we need… change… but it’s an ever-flowing moving in and out, making connections… and memories.

I feel like I’m on drugs… oh, that’s right… I am! Legal and prescribed, of course. But I’m not me… I’m just buzzing! My mind continues to race.

I’m remembering my cousin, Ricky, who lived four hours away. We were best buddies when we were together. He died of cancer at age 12. It ripped my world apart. He had osteo sarcoma… his leg was amputated to try to save his life… but it only extended it for a while. I loved him so much. The whole family was torn apart. I didn’t know he was going to die. Everyone tried to protect the other children in the families… but I never got to say goodbye to him. I hope he knows how much I loved him… and still do. My heart still breaks when I think about him… my heart still breaks for my aunt and uncle who lost their child… the ultimate tragedy. As tears run down my face right now… I feel Ricky is an angel watching over me now… telling me it will be different for me… I will get well. And I feel guilty because… he didn’t. Yet, I can feel him telling me, “It’s all right Jeanie/Jeanne… I want you to be well… and I am well… and we are well together… eternally.

A half a box of tear-soaked Kleenex is beside me now. And I remember what a huge baseball fan Ricky was… the New York Yankees were his favorite! He had every baseball card imaginable! I never cared so much for baseball until Ric and I got together… we used to go to some Alley Cat games… and now we’re huge fans of the WV Power. We just love the whole atmosphere of going to the baseball games. Has Ricky given his love of the sport for me to enjoy? Do people that have loved us and people we’ve loved… still make connections and give gifts… even after we think they’re gone? Do souls always travel together? Yes! The God who loves us… his children… works in mysterious and wondrous ways… make no mistake. God does things in a bigger way… than we ever give Him credit for! Anything and everything is possible… love never goes away… hearts that have loved… never part.

It’s a little after 3 a.m. now. Am I sleep-deprived and delirious? Or am I on a different plane, where I’m seeing more clearly than ever? All I know for sure… is I feel at peace.

Friday

5/5/06 - The Morning After

Last night was a rough night again. I remember the tremendous fatigue setting in… gradually just felt like by body was filled with sand… and I was weighted down to the bed. I recall thinking: Am I getting sick again? No, I couldn’t be, I took the Prevacid for 4 days before chemo, I’ve been drinking lots of water since the treatment, I’ve taken the two anti-nausea drugs, on schedule… I’ll take some Phenergan just in case. I don’t think I’m sick… just really, really tired. Maybe I am getting sick… I just don’t know. I’ll take the one more medicine I’ve been given (that usually no one needs) to be used just in case the others don’t work. Done. I should be fine now. I’m not though… I find myself emitting slight moans…and can’t stop… why am I doing this… does it help get the sick feeling outside my body? No… but I can’t stop.

I fall asleep for a short while. Ric’s been watching TV and runs into the bedroom… “Are you all right? You just moaned really loud!” I wasn’t aware that I had, but told him I thought I might throw up soon. I know my doctor told me to go to the hospital for IV’s if I felt sick again, but I honestly didn’t think it would come to this. Soon… off to the bathroom I go… it was awful, just awful… but still not as bad as the first time. After the vomiting had subsided, I could stand up for a while… just moved to the rug on the floor, leaned against the bathtub and sat there for a long while. Ric was there with me through the whole gory episode. I started to feel somewhat better, but I couldn’t make myself go back to bed and lie down, because I was afraid I would feel sick again. Ric retrieved a bucket for my bedside… I need that for security, in case I’m unable to make it to the bathroom quickly enough should I get sick again. So there we were… me sitting on a rug in the bathroom, with bald head and a bucket beside me… Ric with swollen face sitting on the bathroom counter… and once again I remembered that night of our first date… when we saw each other across the street… picturing a whole wonderful life ahead of us. And you know what… life is wonderful… because Ric and I have this amazing ability to see the blessings in all our trials… and look at each other there in the bathroom and laugh… out loud. You’d think one of us would have had something profound to say… but we didn’t! Thank you God for being here with us.

Pets

I slept long this morning… feeling extremely tired, but much better… no nausea! I can’t help but be concerned it will return tonight. But maybe not. No sense in worring about it… deal with it if it comes… be glad when it goes.

Went to the hospital for my Neulasta injection… felt pretty good when I left, so stopped at the grocery store to get Ric some soft foods to eat.

Back home for a much needed nap. Fell asleep with Dot in one window… Mokie in another… woke with both cats asleep by my feet. It’s just amazing how much those little animals give me comfort. They move with me from room to room… letting me never feel alone.

News and Good News

The interview at the Cancer Center was on WSAZ tonight… they did a terrific job of putting it all together. Penny is not only a talented news reporter, she’s a great person too. It’s easy to be working with her.

Ric went to see Dr. Falbo earlier today… he was able to do a partial root canal, and drain the tooth… will have to finish up later after the infection subsides. Ric called and the pain is gone! I’m so glad.

Cinco de Mayo

Today is my granddaughter, Sophia’s second birthday… it makes me sad not to be with her today… but we will celebrate later… and it will be special!

R&R

Although I was very tired… we decided to go to the baseball game for about an hour… always good to be out in the fresh air… and we just love the ballpark. Our team was having another terrific night. But we still left early… Ric hadn’t had much sleep for two nights… and I was in need of rest too. Still gave us both a lift to be there.

Good night’s sleep for both of us… Ric without pain… Jeanne without nausea… Getting it all back together. Susan G. Komen Race tomorrow… I’m really looking forward to it. I remember when I was sick last night, I thought I wouldn’t be able to go to the race. I lost sight of the fact that the sickness was temporary… I couldn’t see the end of it at the time. I know I’ll be tired tomorrow… and won’t be able to do the 5K walk… but I WILL be there!

Thursday

5/4/06 - Third Round of Chemo Today

Today’s my next round of chemo… I’ll be glad to have one more under my belt. I was busy at work today… so I didn’t have much time to think about it. That’s good… praise God for work! I do know to enjoy the energy I have right now… because a couple hours after chemo, that will all change for several days. But… all the side effects are temporary… they will pass… and I’ll feel good again.

I sure wish Ric felt good… he’s still in so much pain. The pain medication helps very little… and the antibiotics don’t seem to be helping… the swelling on the side of his face is getting worse. I keep praying for him. He’s dealing with so much… I still don’t understand why he’s having to go through this. But… I keep praying.

Before chemo today, Penny Moss from WSAS-TV will meet with me again to do a follow-up on my progress so far. We’re going to meet outside the David Lee Cancer Center… and then hopefully shoot some video of the actual chemo treatment. The chemo treatments are so much easier than I had ever realized… maybe this will help alleviate fears of anyone facing a similar situation.

Karen Shirey from CAMC Health Education met me at chemo today… reminded me of the need for lots and lots of fluids during chemotherapy, especially for the first 3 days after a treatment… the medications can cause organ damage… so important to get everything flushed out of my body quickly. Also, need to eat lots of protein, due to muscle damage caused by the chemo. And a reminder to eat no raw foods, due to risk of infection. I must admit it’s a bit scary to think of how toxic these chemicals are that are curing me. I must remember that the chemo destroys the cancer cells… the normal cells will heal themselves.

We did the TV interview at the Cancer Center today… seemed to create quite a stir in the hospital… lots of special procedures had to be followed, mainly to protect the rights of the other patients, which of course is quite understandable. I think everyone in the hospital sensed that it was a good thing though… an opportunity to show folks what a great cancer center we have right here in Charleston. My oncology nurse, Donna, was surprised to find out that she was going to be interviewed as well! She’s so knowledgeable and so personable… and just did a terrific job. One funny thing happened just before the TV camera came into the room (which by the way, having a TV crew in the center… is very rare)… just minutes before they were to enter the room, the window-washers working outside the building, moved to the outside of the very room we were in! What a hoot! The nursing staff was trying to communicate through the window, that they needed to move on… and they did, leaving a big streak of soap behind!

As usual, I felt fine right after the treatment. Knew I probably wouldn’t have much appetite for a few days… so ate some protein rich foods… and drank lots of water, while it still tasted like water.

It’s only 8:15 pm now… but the fatigue is setting in… so going to go to bed. Poor Ric… still in pain… and I know he’s worried about how I’ll get through the night. I’m worried not only about his pain, but how little he’s had to eat… and how little sleep he’s had. I remember the night of our first date… and we saw each other from across the street… he remembers my smile… I remember his soft eyes. Little did we know 6 years ago what was ahead!

Of course we wouldn’t change a thing if we had known.

Wednesday

5/3/06 - Preparation Day

It’s the day before third round of chemo. I feel absolutely great today… but hanging over me is the knowledge that by tomorrow evening, I’ll be feeling not so great, and most everything, including water, will taste like metal again. I don’t like that I’m allowing that feeling to pervade me today. Thankfully, I’ve got my wonderful job… not only do I like what I do, but my mind is focused on other things… positive things.

Went to the hospital for blood work. No one recognized me at first… old curly hair gone… new straight hair in. We laughed about it. Everyone loves my new do!

Today’s the day to get everything done that I won’t feel like doing for several days… (Ric picked up the prescriptions), laundry, straighten up the house, go to the grocery store (largely to stock up on cranberry juice, because it will still taste like cranberry juice :-) )… gather a few things to take to chemo treatment tomorrow.

TV News & Entertainment

Penny Moss from WSAZ wants to do a follow-up interview tomorrow. The plan is to meet before my treatment outside the David Lee Cancer Center… and if they’ll allow the TV crew inside… maybe even shoot some footage of me receiving the actual chemo treatment. The segment will then air in the 5:30 pm news segment on Friday. What do I want people to learn from the interview this time? The good and the bad. The good news is I’m doing well, continuing to live a pretty normal life… and let folks know there IS hope after a cancer diagnosis. The bad news is that it is nevertheless a disruption in one’s life… filled with concerns and changes, and that chemo is tough at times. Remind women that mammograms are the key to early detection… mammograms let you know something is wrong, even when you have no visible signs. Also the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is on Saturday… it’s a great way to get caught up in the spirit of a pro-active, positive mind-set of being a woman taking control of her health… and supporting life-saving programs for women with, or women who will be diagnosed with… breast cancer.

American Idol Results Night… Elliott and Paris were the bottom two… Paris was the one to leave. She has a dynamic voice. I found myself thinking if she had waited a couple years to enter the competition… she would have that maturity edge that could make her the Idol. She’s certainly a wonderful little spirit… an excellent role model… with tons of talent to boot. Elliot stays… but I’m sure for only one more week. After that, it’ll be tough… almost wish there could be a 3-way tie. But Katharine’s still my fav!

Why?

Today has been a really difficult day for Ric… and my heart just aches for him. He has an abscess in a tooth… and is in horrible pain. Dr. Monday gave him meds… but the pain is too much. Root canal is scheduled. But for now, it’s really bad. Cottage cheese is all he could tolerate eating this evening… that’s not much. I know he’s worried about how he’s going to take care of me during the next few days… but I feel like I’m going to do even better this time. I just wish he didn’t have to feel so responsible for me… but as he once reminded me, he would have to quit loving me to not be concerned and not do things for me… and that’s not going to happen. I just pray for God to help him through these next several days… and I pray for his pain to ease. It just kills me to see him hurting so much. You’d think we’d be exempt from additional problems right now… but that’s not the way it works. I look for a lesson in everything now… but I don’t get this one… yet.

Tuesday

5/2/06 - Tuesday

After work today, went to Charleston Dept. Store with my friend, Vicki… had fun shopping. We went to Ellen’s Ice Cream… and indulged. Nice to have the energy to work and play!

Got a call from a dear friend, who just recently had a mammogram… and received a letter that a spot compression needs to be done to more thoroughly examine a specific area. That’s the same message I received in January. I know how scared she is. But… MOST of the time the further tests reveal nothing serious. So, I told her not to worry, but to make the appointment for the next mammogram quickly, so as to minimize the waiting time. Knowing we can’t help but feel some fear… I also reminded her of how many breast cancer survivors have contacted me… which has given me tremendous hope. Plus I reminded her of how many treatments are available to treat breast cancer… if it should come to that. She’s been praying so much for me. Now I pray for her. Now for the good news… we both have tickets for the James Taylor concert!

American Idol Night! Top 5 performed tonight. All did a fine job. The second song Katharine sang was amazing… she sang the whole song on her knees… yet it was fun and energetic. What a performance. Taylor did a fantastic job as well tonight… on both songs. Chris and Paris good too. Elliott seems to be a big favorite of many… but I’m just not wowed. He’s a great young man, terrific person… but I think this week or next will be his last on the show. Katharine’s still my top pick. But I think Taylor is definitely number two. Or maybe Chris. No, Taylor. Chris is wonderful, but Taylor seems to display more versatility. I like that. Katharine #1.

Jamie, the wife of one of my co-workers made a bracelet for me… pink beads and a silver angel charm… it’s just beautiful. Steve Bishop said, “See, everyone loves you.” And a thought I had last night reappeared in my head. Everyone is doing so many nice things for me. But I’m not always a nice person… I have lots of faults… I make lots of mistakes. I so relate to Paul in the Bible talking about doing the things he doesn’t want to do and not doing the things he wants to do. What if I do something really wrong, say the wrong thing, hurt somebody’s feelings… and everyone regrets having been so nice? I’m just a fallible human being. And of course I’m not the only fallible human being… we all are. I guess the only way to insure I can be forgiven… is to be forgiving. Ah, thank you God… that is the lesson.

Monday

5/1/06 - Lions & Tigers & Bears... or Hats & Bottles & Hair

It’s Monday… first day of May… back to work… after a refreshing weekend. I feel just terrific… no side effects at all… felt just like I used to… back in January… before I knew anything was wrong… when I thought I was absolutely perfectly healthy.

Occasionally it runs through my mind that maybe I really never had cancer… it was all a huge mistake. But I saw the pathology reports myself. Both of them. One after the lump was removed… and one after the lymph node surgery. Of course there was no mistake. But if I would ever let my mind wonder… and think there was… at least I know cancer was found in two places… unlikely two mistakes would have been made. So, back to reality… the treatments I’m dealing with are necessary… it is the right thing to do.

Why would I be thinking this when I’m feeling so good? I guess one reason is that I do feel so good. And then the other reason is that on Thursday I will have my third round of chemo. I got out 3 prescription bottles today. One medicine I had to start taking today. The other two bottles had to be refilled. And then more bottles that still have pills will be brought out on Thursday. Those ugly amber bottles back on my bathroom counter again. Why can’t they make them in various colors? Then at least they would be pretty. I can’t take the pills out and put them in something else… too much of a risk that I would take the wrong medicines at the wrong time. So they just stay in the ugly, yucky orangey, yellowy, ambery… did I mention ugly… bottles? Why do I concern myself with the color of the medicine bottles?

Received another Care Package from my daughter and family today! What fun… going through the box. Three terrific fun hats… red, white & blue. Hand sanitizer… scented… vanilla… cucumber melon. And my favorite… a card and two scarves that Tierra picked out for me… purple and pink. And a card for Ric! Like a little kid at Christmas… I feel loved.

Went to my first breast cancer support group meeting. Met lots of nice ladies… all ages… all different stories. It’s amazing how quickly breast cancer survivors connect. For the most part it’s a positive group of women… who expect nothing short of a full life ahead of them. Two husbands were at the meeting… one of whom hopes to get a group started for men who are caring for women with breast cancer. The guys so often have nowhere to turn (especially in the early stage of diagnosis) with their concerns, fears and questions. They’re so busy being the main support person, they just don’t have time to grieve and work through their own emotions.

My second wig came in the mail today. A little shorter than the other one… with highlights. So I went into the bathroom at work and put on the new one, with tags still hanging. Got Ric’s approval… and my friend Cher cut off the tags. She said, “I think I’m jealous! You can just change your hairstyle that easily.” Yeah, if it wasn’t for the cancer part, everybody would truly be envious. It’s fun to have two. I think I’ll order one more…