9/30/06 - Spiritual Energy

I’ve been reading the Celestine Prophecy… a book Ric wanted me to read a long time ago, but we couldn’t find it. A friend recently loaned me the book. I’m finding it really fascinating. It talks about “coincidences.” So often we dismiss coincidences as just a chance happenings and nothing more. But perhaps we should look at them as God’s guiding hand… and be open to even more coincidences, so that we may more quickly understand and follow a path on which God is leading us.

I’m also fascinated by the insight about energy… harmful ways of acquiring energy (like exerting power over another person) and good ways of acquiring energy (absorbing the beauty in nature, mindful eating, etc.)… and that we can give energy to other people. I’m still trying to sort it all out, and apply what I’m reading.

Yesterday I was at the gas pump, and someone pulled in front of me, so close I would have difficulty getting out, because there were cars in line behind me too. (Gas was $2.10/gallon… thus the line!) I felt myself getting annoyed with the woman, and realized energy was just going away from me. Upon that realization, I did see that with a little maneuvering I could still get out, so I stopping sweating and stewing over this now obviously minor problem… pumped the gas… and left happy.

Seeing Red

Radiation side effect: The place under my collar bone is really deep red and sore… like a hot iron’s been pressed on my skin. I keep putting Aquaphor and Hydrocortisone on it… and have found that Aleve or Advil helps too.

Mokie & Dot

It’s nighttime now… and raining. The sound of the rain feels good. The sights, smells, and even sounds of nature are energy producing! Once again I’m understanding what I’ve been reading. It’s better to get our energy from nature, food, pets, etc. than to take it from other people, in subtle or not so subtle power struggles. God provides us with a multitude of ways to become energized in a healthy way, without jeopardizing other people.

It even makes sense to me now why I feel so peaceful when the cats meet me at the door… or having a purring cat on my lap, gazing into my eyes, loving my touch… she’s sending energy to me! That’s why, for many people, it’s healthy both physically and psychologically to have a pet! Aha!

9/29/06 - TV Interview

The interview on WSAZ-TV aired yesterday. Again, I’m impressed with how they narrow down an hour interview to 4 minutes or so and nicely capture the essence of what was said. Dr. Plants made the point that it may seem to some people that the doctor doesn’t spend much time with the patient… but hours and hours by many different medical professionals go into the treatment planning phase. (Actually Dr. Plants did spend a lot of time with me on the first visit, explaining the process and answering questions.) Penny explained how my workday begins with a visit to Charleston Radiation… and then there was footage of me lying on the radiation treatment table. Of course I wasn’t really receiving a treatment, but we wanted to give folks an idea of what it was like. Footage was also shown of the computer and development of the radiation treatment plan according to the CT scan. Dr. Plants did such a wonderful job of explaining the process in terms we could all understand. Penny reiterated for me how important it is for all women to receive routine breast exams and mammograms… reminding folks that I felt completely healthy, with no signs of anything being wrong… and that the mammogram I had in January was the only thing that told me I had cancer. Otherwise, the cancer would still be growing in my body!

Just Cure It

Two breast cancer survivors I had become acquainted with through e-mail are part of a team going to Philadelphia on October 6 to take part in the “3 Day”… a 60 mile walk, which takes place over three days… to raise money for and awareness about breast cancer. They were having a fundraiser today to help with their travel expenses. I went to it because I was eager to meet them personally and do a little to help them out. What a joy to meet Sherry and Jane Ann! They not only survived breast cancer at a very young age, with little children to care for… but they’ve reached a point where they are going to walk sixty miles in three days! I remember when Sherry first e-mailed me about the event. I was still undergoing chemotherapy, and knew that the severe side effects were temporary, and that I would not always be sick… but in the back of my mind I thought I would always be tired. When Sherry told me she was going to walk 60 miles… I thought “Wow… there will be a time when I fully recover!” She inspired me to know I would be able to exercise again and maybe even accomplish amazing goals! There are six women on their team… their team name is “Just Cure It.”

9/25/06 - Charleston Radiation Therapy

Began 6th week of radiation treatments this morning. Last Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat… extremely tired and fatigued. It was difficult to get out of bed every morning… and I just plodded through the days… coming home after work to nap… yet still unable to sleep. That always confounds me. How can I be so tired and yet not sleep? I even have trouble going to sleep at night.

Now it’s been two days without radiation treatments and one day off work… I’m feeling better today. The area just below my collar bone is quite red and very, very itchy and stinging. I’m getting used to not scratching… instead I just grit my teeth and say “Eeeeeeeek”! Almost finished though… this week and next… then I’ll be done.

Penny Moss from WSAZ did another follow-up interview today… at radiation therapy. Dr. Plants also took part in the interview. He did such a terrific job. He’s a doctor who is really passionate about his work. You can tell Dr. Plants just loves what he does. I like being treated by a doctor who loves his job! As part of the interview process, we went to several different areas of the radiation department… and I got to see some behind-the-scenes work that goes on. Wow! So much more than I realized. There’s a whole team who works together to develop the radiation treatment plan for each patient. It makes me feel safe knowing how carefully the treatment is planned… and makes me proud that we have the latest technology right here in West Virginia. It was also cool to be in the treatment room and look around and hear an explanation of how everything works… usually I just see the ceiling and the top of the machine!

The interview will air on WSAZ-TV this Thursday at 5:30 pm.

9/18/06 - Carol Paxton

Shortly after I was diagnosed, I received an e-mail from someone who had been dealing with colon/liver cancer and treatments for nearly a year… Carol. She thanked me for sharing my breast cancer diagnosis with the public, and encouraged me to keep talking about it. She also said, “I have no magic solution to our problem, Jeanne, but I know, as well as you do, that we have to let go and let God take care of us right now. We are in that master plan, even though we don’t understand it right now.” I was still very scared at that time… and her words rang true to me… and comforted me. Carol told me that she was going to the David Lee Cancer Center for her treatments… the same place I would be going for the first time that very day. She said, “If you ever just want to talk, I would really like that.”

We exchanged a couple more emails that day… ending with her telling me she would be at the Cancer Center that afternoon for blood work, and maybe we would run into each other. And we did! Carol, Ric and I talked until one of us was called by the nurse. She kindly and sweetly answered all my questions… shared her experience… and was just really helpful and encouraging.

We continued to exchange e-mails for a while. As I approached my first chemotherapy treatment with apprehension and some concerns, she patiently detailed what the chemo treatments were like… so that I would know more about what to expect… everything from accessing the port to administering the chemo… to suggestions for packing a goody bag with drinks, snacks and a book to read… and even answered that all-important question – yes, you can go to the bathroom during the chemo delivery!

I felt so comfortable asking Carol questions. She never made me feel like I was bothering her… she seemed to actually delight in answering every little question and addressing every concern that I had. She wrote, “Write anytime. It is always nice to hear from you. If you feel like it in a few days, email me and let me know how you are. I will be saying a little prayer for you and your family.” She prepared me well for my first treatment. She eased my fears. She made me more ready to accept the healing that was already at work. She was an angel during a time I needed one.

Carol also sent another angel to me… her friend, Paula… who is a breast cancer survivor. And Paula, too, has been a friend and a wealth of information as well. Carol was so thoughtful… even in dealing with her own illness… she made sure I had someone I could talk with who understood my kind of cancer. Now that is a generous, loving spirit!

I received word today from Paula that Carol died on Sunday morning. I'm so heartbroken... for Carol, her husband, her children, and friends. She never got the opportunity to know what it was like to feel good again, watch her hair grow back, or any of the exciting "little" things that happen with recovery. I’m thinking of all kinds of things she didn’t get to do. But maybe since she knew she was going to die, she did get to do many things that brought her heart comfort. I didn’t know her well enough to know what she loved and what made her laugh. About pulling through or not making it, my friend said Carol told her “Don’t worry, I am going to be fine either way.” And I know she is. Yet I sit here with a broken heart, crying and not fully understanding. My faith tells me she's fine... but still, all of the "why" questions run through my mind. I know that I was blessed to have met Carol.

Ric and I just went on the air together. I thought we would ignore what I learned moments ago, and talk about something altogether different. But we didn’t… because the only thing that mattered at the moment was Carol and her family.

Ric told me after our time on the air, that if I asked God, He would send a sign to me that Carol is okay. Ric said that God is not so removed from us that he does not want to communicate with us... He's right here with us. I came back upstairs and it appears as though my "sign" is several e-mails I’m receiving right now from our V100 family! Yes, Carol is fine now… able to see that master plan she first spoke to me about. Her hand is in God’s hand. And the spirit of Carol Paxton will never go away… her spirit is still alive and well in all whose lives she touched.

9/15/06 - Sudoku

Sudoku. Everywhere I go I see Sudoku books. The bookstore has a stack of them displayed on a table; there are rows and rows of Sudoku books on the shelves; there’s a magazine section devoted to Sudoku puzzles. For months now I’ve wondered what it is… and what makes it so popular. I’ve flipped briefly through a book or two and scanned the pages filled with little squares and numbers, not having a clue how one would begin to know how to fill in the blanks. Now, these little puzzles are showing up in the newspaper. Today, I stopped and read the instructions at the bottom of the puzzle: Fill in the empty squares so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains each of the numbers from 1 to 9 exactly once. What? That’s all there is to it? I can do that.

This, my first Sudoku, was medium level… but should be no problem. Well, needless to say, it was a bit more challenging than I figured. Filled in a few boxes quickly. Then I really had to think and play and calculate to come up with the solution. Eventually, I started to speedily fill in the numbers… only to find I had two 4’s in one 3x3 square. Now, it wasn’t like a crossword puzzle where you could erase a couple letters… it was math for heaven sakes… and I had no idea what to do except to start over. Instead I found yesterday’s newspaper and started a brand new one. Used the same logic, but thought it would be speedier since I now had a practice run under my belt. Same thing though… filled in some quickly… got stalled… then the numbers seemed to magically work their way through the puzzle… only now I had two 9’s in the same row. Time to gather up the newspapers for recycling!

Ric called on his way home from work, picked me up and we went to the… bookstore! The first thing that caught my eye was the table of Sudoku books. I picked up an “Introduction” to Sudoku, knowing there must be some logic that escaped me… after all I was a reasonably intelligent woman… or was I? I read the first page, and discovered that there was indeed another logic to apply to solve these puzzles! Another way of reasoning that I had not even considered! Which caused me to realize… that’s why I have trouble solving all kinds of problems and waste so much time worrying. I can see only one way to resolve a problem, and no other way even enters my head… I can see no other options! When another option is shown to me, it’s “Ah, why didn’t I think of that?” But I can’t see it on my own. If my way of reasoning works… great… a problem solved. If not… that’s when I worry.

I asked Ric about this… my ever so wise husband. He told me that I was right, that I did have difficulty seeing other options. His suggestion was to see something as resolved, and work my way backwards to the problem… let the resolution process unfold… allow it to happen. Step outside the box and allow a different way of thinking to come to me. It’s hard for me to process all this… yet it makes sense. I’ll have to try it out on something. There’s bound to be a little itty bitty problem come my way soon. I need something on the easy level.

9/14/06 - For the Welfare of the Whole

Woke up this morning feeling much better, even though I didn’t get much sleep. I was still awake after midnight and awake again at 5:00 a.m. And except for the itchy skin, I felt really good all day.

I started reading Deepak Chopra’s book, “The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life.” He says that most of us keep shutting out thousands of experiences that could make transformation a reality, and if it weren’t for the enormous effort we put into denial, repression, and doubt, our lives would be a constant revelation. He also makes the point that reading about change has an effect at the level of thinking, while the level of feeling and the level of doing remain untouched. If we want to make changes we have to take action. So, tomorrow I’m going to work on remembering to make all decisions “for the good of the whole.” I don’t think I can keep more than one change at a time in my head… so I’ll just work on this one for now.

9/13/06 - Temp

I was still feeling bad in the morning, and cancelled my radiation appointment. It was not a fun day. My chest is itching like crazy, mostly near my collar bone – from radiation treatments. I use hydrocortisone cream, but it only helps a little bit. I’ve had the itchy feeling for a few days, but it’s getting worse… more like little needles. Yuck, 4-1/2 more weeks of this. Time to start chanting, “It’s only temporary.”

I remember now sitting on the floor last night crying and saying I thought I was done with all this being sick. I told my kids last week I was going to have some itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy, tiny minor surgery. I had no idea at the time that I’d be down for three days!

9/12/06 - Bathrooms

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I so wanted to stay in bed. But instead I went to 7:15 radiation appointment, then to work. I still felt tired, but a little better. I fixed my high-protein shake and drank it. Five minutes later, I was in the bathroom throwing up. I tried to do my air shift, but had to go throw up again. Ric came in and relieved me. I spent the rest of the day very, very sick. Ric called the doctor’s office and they said it was most likely a reaction from yesterday’s anesthetic. Ric got off work at 7 and brought home Phenergan.

What a horrible day. I expected this surgery to be a breeze. I hadn’t felt this sick since chemo… and was surprised I was experiencing this again.

Sometimes the only thing a person can feel grateful for is a nearby bathroom!

9/11/06 - Surgery #4

Here we are at Surgi Care again. Not really nervous. Even though March was when I was here last, it seems routine. My surgi-cap is in my lap. Seems kinda silly to need it considering the little amount of hair I have. It’s the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. Dr. Phil is on the TV in the pre-op room. I could do without him trying to settle some petty dispute this morning. I forgot to leave my contacts out, so I’m waiting for some cups and saline solution. The nurse put the IV in my hand. After all I’ve been through, I still can’t look when it’s inserted. I’m ready for Ric to come be with me now… and here he is!

Next thing I know, surgery’s over. Felt a little pain, but not bad.

By the time I got to the car, I needed the pain medication! Otherwise I felt really good. Took a nap when I got home… slept for two hours. Felt great when I woke up… until I rolled over. Whew! The local anesthetic had worn off. Except for the localized pain, I still felt pretty good. I think when I take the pressure bandage off in the morning, I’ll feel much better. Got sleepy again around 9:00 and went to bed. Radiation again tomorrow at 7:15 a.m.

9/10/06 - Doing Too Much

Came back from Snowshoe this afternoon. Mom C. had a fantastic dinner ready for us.

Tomorrow will be a busy morning. Radiation treatment at 7:30 a.m., then surgery to remove the chemo port at 8:30.

Karin Fuller’s column in the Charleston Gazette was about multi-tasking… and the absurdity of it! I recall years ago when I was doing the monthly billing at work and loaded a few hours worth of bills to print, then went home and put a load of laundry in the wash, and then took my daughter to dance class. On the way in the car, I was thinking about what an amazing woman I was… I had set two projects into motion and was doing another… 3… I was doing 3 things at once! Yeah, me! And then it occurred to me that this was a crazy lifestyle… too hectic… trying to do too much at one time… and wondering when I was going to slow down and enjoy the things I do.

Years later, I’m still “proud” of my multi-tasking capabilities. Until I catch myself. Why is there always so much to do?

The anniversary of 9/11 will be tomorrow. I remember 5 years ago when Ric called to me in another room, “A plane hit the World Trade Center!” We sat side by side on the sofa, watching the rest unfold… hardly believing what we were seeing.

The time to slow down and enjoy life is now.

9/9/06 - Snowshoe Mountain

What a delightful day. Started with breakfast in the outdoor café… crisp cool air. Enjoyed some fantastic blues music. Rode the ski lift with Ric. Still scary. I love when we get to the bottom… and not just because I can get off the ski lift. That’s where there’s a beautiful lake surrounded by pines… hammocks in the woods… and I found some hiking trails this trip. Oh, it felt so good to walk the trails… one of my favorite things in life. And this time I had the stamina to do it! That was a good feeling too.

On the way back up, Ric was telling me to relax and enjoy the scenery. I was thinking, “You can stop this thing now… I’ll walk the rest of the way up the hill… uh, the mountain… uh, maybe I can ride it out.” I spotted a deer below us and pointed it out to Ric (who thought I wasn’t seeing anything.) He turned around to see it. It scares me when he moves too much… I’m afraid he’ll fall out.

We had a super, wonderful dinner with our V100 winners… Vanessa and John, Mary and Steve, Cathy and Tony. Good food and good fellowship. It’s fun getting to know each other. We were seated outside, and the cold of the night is the only thing that caused us to retire for the night. It was a really good time.

9/8/06 - Perception

Nevermind!

Got to work today… and yesterday’s problems… are not problems afterall. The e-mail did in fact go to the correct winner. The other person with the same name had not even entered the contest… someone told her they heard her name on the radio, and she thought she might have won something.

And the American Idol tickets. They arrived this morning… and there are tickets for everyone who won. I just forgot about having given them away.

I got exactly one hour’s sleep last night. Spent the night worrying about how I was going to fix everything. Turns out there wasn’t anything that needed fixing. I perceived there to be problems when there weren’t any! So Jeanne. When will you ever learn to trust God to take care of you?

I guess I’m so aware of other people’s serious problems… which don’t seem to be relieved or resolved… and I think, “Who am I to expect my problems to be resolved? Why should I be exempt?” The truth is we are all “exempt” at times… and sometimes the problem doesn’t go away, but we have to work through it. Either way… we’re always in God’s hands. And that’s what I need to remember. When I am in a helpless situation, there’s nothing else I can do but rest in God’s care, until I’m in a position to either work my way through to find an answer… or find there’s really nothing to worry about afterall.

9/7/06 - What a Mess

We had a contest on the radio this week for a trip, which has resulted in some major confusion. We drew names of three winners, and it appears that there are two people with the same name from the same town. I sent an e-mail to one, and followed up with a phone call… to the other person… thinking they were one and the same. I was unable to reach the one who didn’t win. Will she be angry tomorrow when I tell her she was not the winner?

Another person e-mailed about American Idol tickets, which she won a couple months ago… and wants to know if the tickets have come in yet. I don’t even remember giving any away! Oh dear. There were so many days when I was undergoing chemotherapy that I felt just plain foggy. Another one to be resolved tomorrow.

***

It’s 2:00 am. I can’t get to sleep because I’m so worried about getting these problems resolved tomorrow. I try not to think about them… but the more I try… the more I think. I can’t figure out how to solve the problems, because I don’t have all the facts yet. Sleep Jeanne sleep. Nothing can be done now. Please God, clear my brain… let me trust that’ll it’ll all work out… somehow.

3:00… I’m still awake.

4:00… I’m still awake.

9/6/06 - A Watched Pot Never Boils

Every morning and every night, I look closely in the mirror to see how much my hair has grown. It seems to have stopped growing! Or is it that I look too much? It’s hard to watch hair grow! It’s not that I need to have hair to feel well… it’s more like a little kid waiting to open presents!

Surgery is scheduled for Monday morning to remove the infuse-port… ‘cause I won’t need it anymore! Yeah! It was really good to have it… made chemo much easier. But I’ll also be glad to have it out too. When riding in the passenger side of the car, the seat belt goes right across it, and it’s sometimes uncomfortable lying on my right side. So that’ll be a relief.

I had an uncomfortable work assignment today. The political candidate who pointed her finger in my face and told me that I would look better in a wig (at the Susan G. Komen Race earlier this year), came into the station today to record her commercial for running for office. I was assigned to record her. I was polite and professional, but I didn’t introduce myself. I was wearing a wig this time. She either didn’t recognize me or didn’t remember me. Did the job and was as pleasant as I could stand to be. :-)

9/5/06 - Who's That Looking Back at Me?

11th radiation treatment today. One-third of the way through. So far so good. Skin a little pink. No pain.

Watched Katie Couric’s first CBS Evening News broadcast. She’s awesome.

Dot was on my lap this evening and I was petting her. I saw my reflection in her eyes and was surprised to see my own nearly bald head. It’s funny… it’s been five months since I lost my hair and from time to time I’m still startled when I see myself sans a head full of curly hair.

9/3/06 - A Star is Born... or Two or Three

‘Twas our Labor Day celebration today – kids and grandkids came to visit. Mom C made potato salad and baked beans. Ric grilled hamburgers, hot dogs, and brats. Jill and Daniel brought dessert. Nic taught us how to peel a banana the way monkeys do it… pinch the end twice in opposite directions… then viola… the peel comes right off!

While all the other adults were cooking… Tierra taught me some cheers. After dinner, we set up a theater in the living room, and Tierra, Sophie and I performed for the rest of the gang. It was so much fun. We got a standing ovation!

I didn’t realize until the end of the day that I had almost enough energy to keep up with the girls through the practices and the performance. I’ve come a long way towards healing!

What a blessed day.

9/2/06 - Conversations

The first WV college football game of the season was today… and a huge rivalry… WVU vs. Marshall. The game was being played in Morgantown… and tickets sold out right away. So, thousands of fans were not able to go see the game live. However… since baseball season was over yesterday, the football game was shown on the giant video board at the baseball park. Admission was free, and a couple thousand people, including Ric, Nic, Mom Cochran, and I, went to the ballpark to watch the game. It’s fun to watch a game like this in a crowd… and be part of the clapping, cheering… just getting caught up in the atmosphere and excitement.

This conversation took place mid-way through the game:

Mom C: Why don’t they play on their own field?

Ric: (assuming she was talking about Marshall)
Well, next year they will.

Mom C: Why not now?

Ric: Well, in order to have a game, they have to play together.

Mom C: I don’t get it.

Poor lady… we had her so confused. She thought WVU was located in Charleston… and both colleges and fans drove to Morgantown for the game… instead of playing the (football) game, right here on their “home” field at the baseball park!

And later, at home:

Mom C: Is anybody hungry?

Jeanne: Oh, no.

Nic: No way, I’m too full.

Ric: Noooooooo. I’ve had too much to eat already.
Can’t eat anything else.

Mom C: Are you sure?

All: Yes! Nothing else. No thanks.

I left the room to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Came back into the family room to say goodnight to everyone. Mom C was serving the guys grilled cheese sandwiches! Guess she talked them into being hungry!

9/1/06 - Changes

Finished up the second week of radiation. No treatment on Monday (holiday). I’m glad – a chance for some skin healing. I’m not red, but breast is very tender and underarm is a bit sore. I’ve been doing stretches as instructed by Dr. Plants. He said the skin and underlying tisse would tighten up during radiation treatments. I’m definitely feeling that lately… so doing extra stretches.

Today was the last Hawaiian shirt day for the season at work. It was also suggested that we could wear blue & gold or green & white to show our support for WVU or Marshall for the big game tomorrow. Extra points would be awarded for a Hawaiian shirt with the WVU or Marshall logo. I couldn’t come up with that… but I did wear my game shirt and a lei. It was the best I could do. There were several folks here who just didn’t get it right away… I heard someone say, “Why is she wearing a lei?” And the response… “Dummy…she’s combined both the big game and Hawaiin shirt day!” It was fun. The thing itched like crazy, but I wore it all day!

Thanks to my friend, Cher, I now have a better protein supplement to take. Optimum Nutrition’s High-Protein Meal Shake has more protein than the Boost I was drinking and much less sugar and carbohydrates… 35 grams of protein, 1 g sugar and 3 g carbs. I got vanilla flavor so I can mix it occasionally with berries, bananas, or peanut butter.

Nic came down today. His head is shaved… so I have more hair than he does. We laughed about that. We look a lot alike now, except for the beard and mustache. Guess I’ll shave tomorrow. J

First day of September, and the weather changed abruptly from summer to fall. Much cooler today… and quite chilly tonight… needed a light jacket. I love the change of seasons.