2/29/12 - Language Learning

I've had to learn some new words since I was first diagnosed with cancer:  Cytoxan, Taxotere, Neulasta, port (a new meaning for a familiar word), Zofran, axillary lymph node dissection (they don't dissect the things either - they take 'em out!), "chemo brain," and many more I didn't really need to anticipate adding to my vocabulary.  I learn how to pronounce them as I go, and learn what their purpose is.  "Cytoxan and Taxotere will save your life, but will make you have pain and be sick too.  We're going to implant a port in your chest, so we can easily put this cure/poison in your body... yep, cut you open, put 'er in, sew you up and do it in reverse this summer."  You get the idea?  I hadn't planned on learning how to speak Cancer.  And dang... this course is tough! 

On the other hand, I have chosen to study Spanish... ever since my daughter walked in our door with this extremely handsome, polite, kind, young man... from Mexico.  Although Daniel spoke English, I thought it would be cool if I could speak with their future children and Daniel's family in Spanish.  (I knew right away they would end up getting married.)  So I've been learning mostly on my own through books and CD's, and taking Spanish classes when they were available, and petitioning servers in Mexican restaurants to allow me to practice espanol with them.  My most challenging classes have been with Enybe Diaz, who is from Mexico and was a teacher in her native country.  I received an email from her shortly before I was to begin chemotherapy that she was going to offer an advanced class... a very intense advanced class, where only Spanish would be spoken, and where we would have lots of tarea, homework.  Just what I'd been waiting for... but not at the same time I was going through chemotherapy!  How could I possibly handle such a challenging class at the same time I'm dealing with a serious health challenge?  It seemed like I should tell her I would have to wait until the next class, yet I longed to go to this one.  After days of trying to make a decision, it occurred to me to ask Ric what he thought I should do.  He immediately said, "I think you should take the class... go for it!"  So I did!

I knew all along that I should take the class.  Not taking the class, would mean I didn't believe I was going to feel good enough to be at the class, to study and do homework... or even feel healthy enough to be able to learn.  It would be like allowing myself to be defeated.  I think that's why, with Ric's go-ahead, I immediately said "Yes."  I wanted to be in the mode of LIVING and having the faith that I could continue to do whatever I wanted... and that whatever those things were, would ADD to my well-being.

I just got home from Spanish class, and feel so great!  I've been in the class for several weeks now and am learning a lot.  Understanding someone speak Spanish is my greatest challenge, and by using only Spanish in the class, I am comprehending more and more and making lots of progress.

The lesson here?  Challenge yourself, even if you're already being challenged.  Challenge yourself with something you can be passionate about.. .and enjoy!  Knit an afghan, make photo albums/do scrapbooking, begin a moderate exercise program, write a book of poetry, learn to play a musical instrument, learn a foreign language... do something that distracts you from your problems and provides a pleasant diversion.  Don't wait until the problematic challenge is over to live.  Keep living even through that challenge... by giving yourself one of your own choosing!

View from Mayan pyramids at Xochicalco in Mexico (2010)

2/26/12 - Feeling Like a Bouncing Ball

Was astonished to log on and see that my last post was a week ago.  I felt very good for the first few days after chemo, however, much of the rest of the week was spent just trying to get through each moment of the day... some days I felt good in my head, but my body was dragging... other days, I was running up the stairs but then couldn't remember why I had gone there... and for a few days (and nights) I was battling pain, dizziness, fever and some slight nausea.

On Monday, I received the Neulasta injection, for the purpose of keeping the white blood cell count up.  This med does have side-effects, however... one of which is bone pain.  This is something difficult to describe.  It's deep inside, accompanied by a trembling feeling.  It started in the top of my feet one night, and by the next day was throughout my legs and into my hips.  It's an excruciating pain, which frequently brought tears to my eyes.  I took pain medication at night, which helped, but only took 1/2 dose at work, because it makes me so sleepy.  Walking around the studio, kicking my legs out, helped somewhat... those were a tough few days.  Luckily, it only lasted a couple days!  I will definitely have the injection again after the next chemo, because an extremely low white blood cell count is, uh... life-threatening!  I'll deal with the pain.

On Thursday (which would have been the beginning of the 7-10 "danger zone") I developed a fever in the evening.  It went up to 100.2 (100.5 is when a chemo patient must go to the ER).  I took my temperature every half hour as per doctor's orders.  I was lucky... woke up the next morning and temp was 97.7.  Ric was in Pittsburgh, so before I went to bed, I packed a bag and wrote down all the meds I had taken during the day, just in case I needed to call 911.  I had my friend Cathy's phone number ready to call to come get Bodhi if necessary.  

Most of us think the only major side-effect with chemotherapy is nausea... but oh my... there are so many things to deal with.  Some come and go, some occur simultaneously.  This is not a list of complaints, but these are the things I've dealt with this week.  So, if you are experiencing symptoms like these... just know it's common.  DRY MOUTH - gums and tongue feel rough, throat is a little sore, taste buds are affected.  Rinsing with regular mouthwash helped me, but the doctor can prescribe something for more serious problems.  FATIGUE - I normally run up stairs, often take two steps at a time... but now, despite walking everyday, I experience muscle fatigue and my stamina is definitely diminished.  DIZZINESS - when my ears start to ring, or I feel like there's a covering over my ears, that's my cue to sit down immediately, and breathe deeply until the feeling passes.  SKIN IRRITATIONS - my skin feels like it's sunburned, and the places change from day to day... just an odd feeling.  NUMBNESS/TINGLING - well, you'd think if hands and feet were numb, there'd be no pain... but it's more like the tingling you get after your leg has fallen asleep... that feeling you can't wait to go away.  FEVER - since my ER trip, when I was sure I didn't have a fever and it was in fact 103.9, I've learned to follow doctor's orders and take my temp twice a day.  It's surprising how quickly a fever can come upon you.  SLEEP PROBLEMS - This one is driving me crazy!  Sometimes I fall right to sleep and wake up at 3am and never go back to sleep.  Sometimes I'm awake untill 3am.  Or 5.  Or 6.  That's my favorite... 15 minutes before the alarm goes off!  LOL!  And then sometimes I sleep so much I have to think hard about what day it is.  There's no rhyme or reason to it.  At a time when sleep is important, it's a time when regular and consistent sleep is impossible.  If you're a chemo patient, or caring for someone who is... just keep these things in mind!

To sum it up... I feel like a ball being bounced against the wall.  My experience with chemo this time around is Simply Unpredictable!  Just don't know what I'm going to be up against from day to day!  But you know what?  I am making it each day.  Last night, my friend, Cathy Bush, and I enjoyed dinner together at the Mexican Shoney's and laughed and giggled and shared stories and encouragement with each other.  Despite the obstacles during the week, I ended up at a restaurant with a friend.  So who's blessed?  Me.

2/19/12 - Tree of Knowledge

after the thunder

eager sun breaks through the clouds

making all things new

(~haiku by ric)

At a recent remote broadcast, I met a nice lady who listens to V100 all the time.  As we chatted about my current bout with breast cancer, Karen said to me, "Sometimes the things we go through are for other people."  I was speechless for a moment as this incredible thought sunk in.  She said, "Think about how many things we have gone through, and how they have benefited others.  Yes, sometimes the things we go through and how we deal with them is for the benefit of someone else."

Oh my... she's right!  There are so many people who have been in and out of my life, who have left a positive impact and impression on me.  These encounters (whether they seemed good or bad at the time) have pointed me in new directions and have led me to where I am at this moment.  (And at this moment, my head is being flooded with faces of family, friends, people I've worked with before and work with now, teachers, pets, ex-husbands...)

I am using my current circumstances to enlighten others about the importance of taking responsibility for our own health.  But why not?  Since I already have breast cancer, and have a public forum (radio) in which to speak about it, why not share information, so that others might have a better chance of dealing with it?

BUT... if God had asked me to have breast cancer to help others, would I have said, "YES?"  Probably... but with many conditions!  "Sure, God, but can we wait until I'm a little more prepared?"  "Oh yes, I'll be glad to, especially if you would go ahead and let me know exactly when I'll be cured.  That would help me get thru everything so much easier."  "You know I love you God, but I do have my family, and I think this would be too hard on them."  "I can do that, God, but not today.  Can you check back with me in a few days, months, years..."  Okay, so I probably wouldn't even had said "yes."

I'm not sure Karen meant that we do things like this solely for others.  Certainly, I'm learning a lot for myself in this journey.  Perhaps it's that we do things for others, and then we get a blessing as well!  Perhaps it's just a reminder to me not to be self-focused at any point in this journey, but to use every step as a way to help others.  Is that the LIGHT on this path?  Because I definitely always see the light... even in my dark moments, I still see the Light!

The following is probably the quote that most affects how I want to life my life.  When I first saw it about a year ago, I didn't like the word "doomed" and wanted to retype the quote, leaving it out... but because it did trouble me and make me squirm, I left it as is, propped up at my desk at home.  It has now come to mean to me that sometimes we do have to suffer.  How can anyone ever learn anything from someone who hasn't gone through a trial of some sort?  As Henri Nouwen has said, it's the wounded healer that can make a difference.  Thank you, Karen, for helping me to further understand.  I know there are more layers of meaning yet to come.

2/19/12 - Day After the Day After

Yesterday, I was on an extreme high... today I still feel good, but the high is gone.  Still taking the same medicines, but different responses to it.  Just when I think I have this thing all figured out, I find there is no figuring out chemotherapy reactions.  So I remember to take it a day at a time.  Which is pretty easy for me again today... pleased that I have still had zero nausea and pain.  My fatigue is only moderate.  I'd say I'm doing well.  Catching up on housework and American Idol today!

2/18/12 - Pillow Power

Here's something I meant to write about a long time ago.  It's a fantastic project for anyone who sews and has a sewing machine and left-over fabric!

I received my little pillow 6 years ago at CAMC just before my lumpectomy and lymph node surgery.  The nurse told me that a group of women make these for breast cancer surgery patients.  After the lymph node surgery, it feels like a big block of wood is under your arm, and oftentimes, when the arm touches your side, there is a fairly significant burning sensation.  These little pillows can be used to provide comfort when you're sitting.  It's important at night to keep your arm elevated during the healing period on a regular pillow, and this little pillow provides just enough support under your hand to keep your arm straight and more comfortable.  These "little" pillows make a big difference.

My particular pillow is about 7"x10" and is just right.  The filling is soft, and that is important.  If the pillow is stuffed too tightly, it would feel like one more thing jabbing into your side.  Mine even has a matching pillowcase over it, which is not absolutely necessary, but a nice touch.

These pillows also come in handy if you have a port inserted for chemo delivery.  When riding in a car, the shoulder seat belt will come right over the place where the port has been inserted, so again this little pillow comes to the rescue to provide some protective padding.

I don't know if anyone still does this project for CAMC.  I know they do not have these at St. Francis.  So, if you're interested in volunteering your time and resources, you might want to check it out.  Remember, it's important for women to have these BEFORE they go home from the lymph node surgery!  I think I received mine when I went in for pre-admission testing, so that might be the best department to contact to have these distributed.

Just thought I'd pass along this idea for anyone looking for something to do to make a difference!

2/18/12 - I'm Brave! No, Just a Goofball...

I've always been a little squeamish about getting blood drawn, stitches out, etc. One of my recent scars has been itching like crazy. I put lotion on it often, but kept feeling a tiny rough spot, but couldn't see anything. Last night, I looked at it with a magnifying mirror and there was a tiny piece of a stitch still there. Got out the tweezers and pulled it out myself! I've really never felt brave until then. LOL!  (I would've posted a picture of the stitch, but would have needed a high-powered close-up lens.)

2/18/12 - What? No Taste Buds?

Mandarin & Mango flavor

One of the side-effects of chemo that doesn't make one sick, but takes some of the fun out of life is the loss of taste buds!  Fun aside, the dangerous part is that it can cause us to limit the amount of water we drink... and it's vitally important to maintain a high intake of fluids (non-caffeinated) during the entire course of chemotherapy.  Well, for me, there are many times when water, which we think of as having no taste, becomes difficult to down.  It feels like oil in our mouths.  So, we are on a constant search for something to cut through that oily "taste" and be able to enjoy drinking fluids enough to keep on drinking.  Cranberry juice may help for a few days, then I find it no longer is appealing.  Lemonade can work for a while, and then, oooops - there it goes, no longer pleasant and refreshing.  Here's one I recently found that seems to be having some lasting pleasure for me.  It's a box of those little packets you just add to a glass or bottle of water.  So far so good, so thought I would share it! 

2/18/12 - Retreat

From the "Daily Word" devotional that I read each morning:

SANCTUARY - Friday, February 17, 2012

I am safe and protected in the sanctuary of God's Care. 

     Jesus reminded us of the importance of having a sanctuary - a place for retreat.  He withdrew often to spend quiet time with God and to rest and pray.

     In the busyness of my everyday life, I, too, need a place to call my sanctuary, a place where I feel safe and protected, and able to relax, rejuvenate and reconnect with spirit.

     My sanctuary might be a physical space, such as a special room in my home, a church I attend, or a park I like to visit.  Or my sanctuary might be a state of mind and heart, where I retreat in prayer and meditation.

     In my sanctuary, I relase my innermost feelings and concerns to God.  I visit it often, and when I'm there, I rest in God's love, safety and support.

He said to them, "Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while." -Mark 6:31

This is a favorite place in my house for a quiet morning retreat before I go to work.  I try to keep it uncluttered so that it's a peaceful place to sit and unclutter my mind!  I have the blessing of looking out over the woods in the back of our house.  An old window from England, that Ric and I found at Goodwill, sits in our window... gives me a sort of connection to the rest of the world and keeps me less self-focused.

Here's this morning's reading...

I love this... 

GRACE - Saturday, February 18, 2012

I am a blessed and beloved child of God.

     When a ball is thrown against a wall, it bounces back.  Likewise, the actions and energy I send out return to me in kind. I give love and I am blessed by love's return.  I hold positive thoughts and they contribute to the good I experience.

     When I become aware that I have made a mistake or expressed less than my full potential, God's grace softens the consequence and guides me through a learning opportunity.  It is as if I've thrown a ball against the wall and it deflected at an angle, instead of returning to me at full impact.  I am a blessed and beloved child of God, growing into the full expression of my divine potential.  I learn from mistakes and accept God's grace with a grateful heart.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all. -Titus 2:11

2/18/12 - A Pink Message

For October's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, each year The Chop House invites breast cancer survivors who have participated in the Charleston Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure to come have lunch on them.  It's a lovely time of sharing stories, hope and being grateful to have survived this disease.  The food is awesome, too!  At my first luncheon in 2006, either we all received a begonia plant, or I won one as a gift... I don't remember which.  I've kept it inside and watered it all these years, but it never bloomed again.  Until recently... it has been blooming ever since my second surgery in December!  I do believe it is a message from God that no matter what is going on... I am to LIVE joyfully!

2/18/12 - Day after Second Chemo

I am pleased to be doing amazingly well today.  I got a good night's sleep.  Thanks, sweet Ric, for taking Bodhi for his early morning walk so that I could sleep in!  I feel a little shaky, but that's normal for having just received chemo, and I'm drinking lots of water to get it all flushed out of my system.  My mind is racing today, and I'm hopping all over the house taking pictures of things I want to put on this blog today... and thoughts I've been wanting to write about, but haven't had the time or energy to do so.  I'm likely feeling this energy boost from the steroids I'm taking for a few days, but you know what?  I'll take it!  Red flushed face and all.  Ric and I are going to the Southridge iHop today for our favorite blueberry pancakes.  We're hoping for a nice quiet, no evacuation, breakfast!  iHop Evacuation. 

Yes, my face really is this red today... no makeup

And if I still have some energy, I'm going to stop by Target and get a new tube of mascara for the dozen or so eyelashes I have left! 

2/17/12 - Chemo #2

Chemo #2 has gone very well so far.  I have not had one bit of nausea!  Zero pain!  Very thankful.  The infusion went a little quicker today - took about 4 hours altogether for the anti-nausea medicines, and the two chemo drugs.  I only slept for one hour last night due to the steroids I had to start taking yesterday.  Again I take those 24 hours before chemo, and then for five more days, to prevent allergic reactions.  The anti-nausea meds I had in my IV cause drowsinesss, so I was very sleepy and tired for about 4-5 hours after today's treatment.  But for the rest of the evening, I've felt really good.  I took Bodhi for two short walks, had dinner (thanks to Anna), watched a little of American Idol that I DVR'd earlier this week.  Two more doses of the steroids today, and my face is on fire... it and my chest and arms are so red.  No problem, just a side effect that will go away in 4 days, not that I'm counting.

I typed up a list of my medications today (and Ric's).  I found out when there is an emergency such as when I had to go to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's really difficult to remember everything you take and the dosages of same, while dealing with a serious illness.  So now Ric and I each have a copy to carry with us at all times.  I suggest doing this before your need it... it will save a lot of time when it's important to get treatment started quickly!  Because I've had lymph nodes removed from under both arms, I also noted on my list (in italics) that both arms are restricted from being used for blood pressure checks and that blood pressure needs to be taken in my ankle.  I noted on the list that I have a Double Power Port inserted on my left side.  And finally that I'm being treated for breast cancer on my right side.  You will be asked about all these things, except the arm restriction(s)... unless you wear alert bracelets (which are available from the American Cancer Society).  There is no way medical personnel will know unless you tell them.  This is always your responsibility to let them know.  Believe it or not, it's not easy to remember this when you're really sick... so put it on your list!

Lorelee, my nurse for today, told me about a terrific app for the iPhone.  It's called iChemo Diary, and is a great way to store daily data about medicines taken, side-effects experienced, temperature, and other information.  There's also the ability to print and/or email a copy to your doctor before your next appointment.  I was asked questions today about my hospitalization and subsequent ER visit, and could not recall the exact daes... so keeping this little diary will be an easy way to record those kinds of details.  While I was searching for this app, I found another one called iMedications, which looks handy too. It looks like you can set time alerts to let you know it's time to take your medicine.  There was a small charge for the medications app, but the iChemo Diary is free!

2/16/12 - Second Chemo Tomorrow

Here we go again!  Chemo on my calendar for 9:00 in the morning.  I'm a little anxious about it, hoping the side-effects are not so bad this time.  Not much anxiety though, because I keep replacing all those thoughts with positive ones!  I've been taking Prilosec twice a day, per doctor's orders, to help alleviate the nausea, and I'm pretty sure he told me I would get a Neulasta injection 24 hrs after chemo to bring up the white blood cell count.  So, there's no reason why all shouldn't go well this time!  I'll still have other side effects, but those I can handle. Tomorrow's treatment will move me one step closer to being completely healed!

I'll go into chemo this time without any hair!  That is definitely not a problem, because I'm having terrific fun with all my wigs!  And Ric has a new woman every day!  I don't know if he considers that a good thing or if it scares the heck out of him!  Here's one of  the wigs:

2/11/12 - Marion King... my mother

It's been a difficult week.  My mother passed away on Tuesday morning.  For three and a half years, Mom has mourned the loss of my Dad.  They were married for 57 years at the time of his death, and Mom could just never cope with being without him.  She spent her last year in a nursing home and seemed to simply be waiting... for her Bud.  I know that God is good... so I am sure that Mom and Dad are now together again!

My daughter, Jill, reminded me, "Remember that neither Grandma nor Grandpa would want you to be sad for them.  They would want you to be celebrating that they are together again and happy.  You are such a strong person.  Show them that you are strong.  Allow them to be looking down and be proud of you for the strength that you reach so far inside to find.  Remember they are happy and that is what they want for everyone."

My son, Danny, was a solid rock for me to lean on last week.  I'm glad he's been working out... cause I needed his strong shoulders.  :-)

My best friends, my childhood friends, Debby and Brenda, were also my constant living angels.  We are the same age and they knew my parents as well as anyone else on earth.  We moved to Paden City when I was 3 years old and lived right next to each other while we were growing up.  We shared so many memories of our parents!  It was very healing.  Debby and Brenda gave me a beautiful angel, with these words inscribed:

Perhaps they are not Stars, 

but rather openings 

where our Loved ones shine down 

to let us know they are Happy.

Ric wrote this beautiful tribute to my mother... and to my father, Charles "Bud" and Marion King.  It describes so very well their love for each other and how precious the "little things" are that make up our days.

Marion was a lover,

She loved her children,
She loved her grandchildren,
She loved her home,
She loved her friends,

But more,
What I learned from Marion, 
was her profound love for her Bud.  

Bud, who was truly her best "bud"... 
Was her reason, her purpose, 
her partner in flea market picking!

It was always obvious that she took full responsibility for his healing and healthcare.
It was her natural place to bring his food to him... 
To listen to his barks or barbs, and hear only the love that echoed around them.
She knew her Bud, and
Bud knew his Marion,

They had their chairs... 
The chairs that staged the talks, phone calls, TV chatter, 
and many serious matters of family and friends.

Yes, Marion had her Bud.
And Bud had "the most beautiful girl in the world"... As he often said.

She would walk out of the room and so many times he would look me square on and say, "There's a good woman"... or, "I just love that woman."
Often enough I'd notice his eyes welling with tears.  
Bud had his Marion.

Marion lived for her love of the most important person in her life.
The one who knew her intimately,
Emotionally,
Who cried with her,
Laughed with her,
Ate with her,
And sat across from her every day of their modest and humble lives together. 

I recall her telling me how happy she was on the day she was able to have saved enough money to pay off their home.  
Ah, but not so much for holding the deed, as she was so happy to hand it to her Bud and offer some ease to their finances.  
Bud had his Marion.

Bud could talk religion, politics, astronomy, history, and a hundred other subjects of which Marion had little, or no interest.  But... 
Not long ago I sat in Bud's chair and was rambling on about some social issue, or political ideas... Marion was looking at me with a glazed-over look that I took as my cue to stop.  I did, and she quickly told me that she loved listening to me... It reminded her of Bud.

So for me, 
to know Marion, was to know her relationship with her best bud, Bud.
The old phrase "joined at the hip" was quoted for just such a couple as Bud and Marion, 
for one without the other was incomplete... 
Deficient...
and especially Lonesome.

It is right that souls join to travel this life.  It is fitting that they should continue in life beyond this world.

Look over your left shoulder........
Did you see them there?  
Holding hands, smiling, glowing with the love they have always known, 
and yet even brighter as they now walk among the Divine.

They are here.
They are happy,
They are more alive than ever,
And they are now complete.

Marion is with her best Bud,
And Bud's with the prettiest girl in the whole universe!

CELEBRATE!

2/3/12 - Cancer, Quit Messing With My Plans!

It's beginning to seem like every time I'm feeling good and think I'm home-free until next chemo treatment, one more setback occurs.  Last night at bedtime, I noticed my left arm was swollen.  I've been cautious for 6 years to prevent lymphedema... avoiding lifting heavy things with this arm, avoiding repetitive motion, carrying Neosporin with me at all times in case of a cut or sting, and most importantly always informing medical personnel not to give injections to, draw blood from, or take blood pressure from my left arm.  However, during the surgeries in December, it was necessary to use my left hand for the IV's... there was really no choice.  Now I have a port that can be used for IV's, drawing blood, etc.  The night I was taken to the hospital, the paramedics needed to start an IV.  They were not familiar with using a port, so I gave them permission to use my left hand, since I had had no problems with the sticks in December.  Now, here I am with a fairly significantly swollen left arm.  I called the doctor first thing this morning, but he was not able to get back to me until late today.  His nurse informed me that it might not be lymphedema, but a tiny blood clot from the port having been used in the hospital.  I was told this was not as serious as a blood clot in the leg, and that it is a fairly common occurrence when ports are used.  I would need an ultra sound to determine if there was a clot, and if so, the problem could be easily resolved.  The bad news?  Because of the lateness of the day, I would have to go to the ER in order to get the ultra sound.

Got to admit, this was a disturbing way to wrap up my Friday.  I was looking forward to a weekend of feeling good, resting, enjoying some normal activities, and being as healthy as possible before my chemo treatment on Thursday.  But no!  One more thing to deal with!  I was more consumed with the thought of the hours in the ER waiting room (which in my experience can be very much like a visit to hell) than what was going on with my arm.  I was still at work trying to finish up recording some commercials.  When that was done, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I'm so tired of my crying spells... I make myself sick sometimes.  I'm better than this... I hate being a cry baby!  And yet, I'm beginning to see that I have to cry to move on.  It only took walking into the ER for my crying to turn to disgust.  Why oh why oh why oh why do so many people have to come to the ER with their entire family?!?!  I realize that sometimes it is unavoidable.  But when there are 3 adults and 5 children in the waiting room from one family, I gotta ask, "Couldn't one of those adults have stayed home with the kids?"  They were blowing up exam gloves and chasing them all over the room, screaming, and bumping into people.  I don't think I have ever been to an ER, where there wasn't at least one family reunion going on in the waiting room.  Isn't there an app for that?  Or at least a special room.  For them... or for the rest of us?
    
The good thing was, I didn't have to wait long to be seen, although there were numerous trips back and forth from the waiting room to get blood pressure checks and other tests, including the ultra sound which ruled out any blood clots.  During the various exams, I discovered that my legs, ankles and feet were also swollen!  I was aware of some discomfort in my legs throughout the day, but didn't even realize they were swollen until they went to take my blood pressure (which now has to be done from my ankle).  So, I was discharged with a diagnosis of lymphedema in my arm, for which I will have to have special physical therapy to allow the lymphatic fluids to drain.  I was told the swelling in my legs was likely due to excess fluids from the IV's given during my recent hospital stay, and this would gradually resolve itself.

All moved pretty well throughout the ER visit, and I was finally told that I would be discharged as soon as the paperwork was ready.  Here the process bogged down.  It was nearly an hour before one sheet of paper was brought to me to sign to be able to leave the hospital.  I had lost it emotionally again, crying, angry.  I had was giving them until 8:30 pm to get the paperwork to me, or I was going to simply walk out the door.  Enough is enough, and I had had ENOUGH!  At 8:25, I was "properly" discharged. 

As I pulled out of the hospital complex, an ambulance on the other side of the road, with sirens going and lights flashing, was moving quickly toward the hospital.  At that instant, I had the sense that the lives of an entire family could be changing!  Someone could be dying, and agonizing heartbreak would engulf a loving family.  A tragedy could be occurring for these people, and I was simply swollen and pissed off.  I thanked God for the sign that I really didn't have it so bad.  Then, I realized my selfishness in thinking God was giving me a sign, and prayed for the person in the ambulance, the medical staff, and the family.  I instantly heard God's voice say, "It's okay, Jeanne, I'm taking care of them.  This IS also a sign for you.  I'm loving all of you."

My lesson is to remember that no matter what happens to me, I must always try to put things in perspective.  In the midst of each "setback" I sometimes feel ready to give up, and think I can't possibly keep going.  And when I've come through each episode, I look back and see... it wasn't so bad.  Like Kelly Clarkson says in her latest hit song, "What doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!"  Well, I'm starting to feel a little more like Phil Pfister every day!  Anyone need a car lifted or a piano moved?

2/2/12 - No More Bad Hair Days

On Tuesday morning before I left the hospital, I combed my hair, only to find out it was coming out in chunks!  I both combed and ran my fingers thru my hair and filled up a large trash container.  My hair was pretty thick!  When nothing else was coming out, I knew I would take the scissors to the rest of it when I got home.  This was so different from last time.  My hair came out very gradually.  This time it happened in virtually one day!  I probably still had 90% of my hair the night before.  After the morning combing and lifting away, I probably had only 10% left before the final snips.

I looked like a chemo patient.  (Duh!)  When Ric came to get me from the hospital, he told me to get in the car quickly and duck so that no one would see me! 

Got home, sat down on the bathroom floor in front of the mirror with the little trash container.  I sat because I knew this was going to take a while.  Snip, snip, snip... a few more snips... and the job was finished in a couple minutes.  Well, almost.

Ric was outside with Bodhi, so I decided to have a little fun.  I left one long strip on the side to give me a kind of rocker look.  Ric loved it!  Handed me his tie-dye t-shirt, told me to put on some big earrings, and we had a little photo op:

 Ric called me Jammin' Jeanne K!

2/2/12 - Discovering Neutropenia

After a couple days of being sick, I awoke Saturday to feeling terrific.  Finally... I am perfectly well, and am home-free until next chemo treatment!  I enjoyed catching up on household chores (yes, really... I like it when things are clean and orderly).  Bodhi and I went for a couple long walks, soaking up the sunshine.  I went to bed at around 10pm, grateful for the good day and ready for another one the next!

However, I soon found myself waking, curled up in a fetal position, shivering almost violently, teeth chattering, jaws locked.  At some point, I got up to turn up the heat in the house.  With each step my legs locked at the knees.  It was a struggle to get to the thermostat.  I noticed it was near midnight.  I went back to bed, but the shivering continued and the back of my neck started to hurt along with everything else.  Ric woke to my groaning and quickly called my oncologist.  I have little memory of the discussion.  I know I was becoming more and more frightened and told Ric to call 911.  I remember being carried to the ambulance.  I recall being at the ER at CAMC and hearing them say my temperature was 103.9.  I was freezing!.  How could I possibly have a fever?  The rest of the night and most of Sunday are pretty much a blank.  I remember barely waking up a few times, always feeling secure to hear Ric's voice, whether he was talking to me or to someone on the medical staff.  I believe it was late Sunday evening before I was fully "conscious."  Ric had been there the entire time.

Diagnosis:  Severe Dehydration and Neutropenia - an abnormally low number of white blood cells.  A normal WBC count is between 4.8 - 10.8.  I was admitted to the hospital with a .6 count.  From Saturday night to Tuesday at noon, I received lots of IV fluids and antibiotics, plus two injections of the drug Neupogen, to help raise the white blood cell count.

Whenever I've heard someone had to be packed in ice to bring down a fever, I always pictured someone sitting in a big tub of ice.... yikes!!!!  Well, I found out how it's really done - ice packs are wrapped in towels and placed in what I assume are "strategic positions" all around one's body.  Not the least bit uncomfortable!

I felt pretty good as soon as the fever was gone, but had to stay in the hospital until the WBC count was near the normal range.  The Neupogen apparently worked well... on Monday the count was up to 1.8 and by Tuesday up to 9.

I have to say a great big THANK YOU to the 5 South nurses at CAMC Memorial!  Each and everyone of them was kind, thoughtful, and professional.  I felt safe and secure in their care!  They eagerly answered all my questions.  On Monday and Tuesday, I was walking the halls with my IV pole (in order to keep the blood circulating to prevent clots) and if the nurses weren't in a patient's room, they were standing at their portable computers inputting information.  Hardworking seems not a big enough word.  The "paperwork/computer work" they had to do surprised me.  Although, none of them rushed a conversation with me, I could tell that each of them would have preferred to spend more one on one time with their patients.  Their caregiver personalities were obviously what led them to choose this career.  I know from friends who are nurses, that this inability to give more hands on care to patients is one of the heartaches of the nursing profession.  Although no one complained of this to me, I could sense it and see this predicament in action.  So, THANK YOU, 5 South Nurses... for providing amazing care and healing to the people who fill the rooms on your floor.  I left there loving you.