3/31/12 – Continuing the Mend

Although I had a restless night’s sleep, I awoke feeling good enough for a morning walk with Bodhi.  I marveled at this dog the whole time we were walking and told him over and over how grateful I was to have him in my life.  Whenever I’m overcome with this feeling for him, I can’t help but remember he came to his original owners from the Kanawha Charleston Human Society... he was a rescue!  Ric and I got him from foster care when he was 3 years old.  This wonderful dog could have been one of the thousands that are put to sleep every year because no one adopted him.  What a loss.  I prayed for all the dogs and cats that are now in the shelter that simply need a loving home.  And there is a loving home that needs one of them!  I prayed for a match.  I recently read that black dogs are the last to be adopted and the first to be euthanized, for a variety of reasons, including that some people perceive black animals as menacing, but mostly because their eyes and fur color blend in so much that people can’t really get a sense of personality in their faces, and their "ordinary"  black faces get lost in the sea of faces of every hopeful dog looking through the shelter cage.  Isn’t that amazing?  I never knew.  So I prayed harder for the black animals.

I came home feeling a little tired, but it was a good tired.  I’ve had my last chemo treatment now, so I’ll get my strength back.

And to help get my strength back, instead of my usual healthy oatmeal for breakfast, I had a slice of CHERRY PIE!  Thanks, Linda!  It was De. Li. Cious!

3/30/12 – Happy Endings

Had final chemo treatment yesterday.  Today started out rough... nausea and major fatigue.  I dropped Ric off at work and went to David Lee Cancer Center for the Neulasta injection at 8:30 am, and then drove home.  I tried to read the morning newspaper, but even though I had taken the steroids, which normally keep me wide awake, I was sleepy.  So I did the appropriate thing – went back to bed!  I thought I heard my cell phone ring, which was right beside my bed, but I couldn’t move.  Finally I realized it must be Ric, calling me to come at get him from work early.  I picked up the phone and looked at the clock at the same time... it was 3:45 pm!  Realizing I had been asleep, Ric told me not to rush, to give myself time to wake up, so I did take it slow.  However... as we were coming home, it seemed like there were too many cars on the road!  And at times, it looked like all the cars on the road were coming toward me!  I had to concentrate really hard, because logically I knew it wasn’t possible.  Suddenly Ric put his foot on the imaginary brake on the passenger side, and I realized I had almost run a red light.  One more realization – I shouldn’t have been driving.  I suppose the difference this time was that my chemo and injection were closer together than usual, I had just woken up, and I hadn’t eaten all day.  Well, thankfully I eventually got us home safe and sound!

I went back to bed, but didn’t sleep.  At some point I started to feel alive again, and decided to try to sit up, and was grateful that that turned out to be a good feeling.  Two friends brought by some delicious food, which filled our bellies and souls.  And just at dusk, I had the urge to take Bodhi out for a walk.  It was glorious!  A nice, pleasant, peaceful walk with my little buddy, who always senses when I need to take it a little slower.  We arrived back home, and I knew I was on the mend.  I love happy endings.

3/29/12 - Final Chemotherapy Treatment!

Jeanne - Final Chemo Treatment

Today was my final chemotherapy treatment!  Yay!  My name was called to go into the Chemo Unit today, and I thought for a few minutes that it wasn't going to happen today!  They forgot to order all of my blood work yesterday, and two very important tests were missing... one to check liver enzymes which must be done before receiving Cytoxan and one to check kidney functioning before receiving Taxotere.  I was told that even if the blood work was sent as STAT, it could be as long as 3 hours before receiving the results, and by then it would be too late in the day to start chemo.  So they wanted to reschedule for tomorrow.  They apologized, but I told them that I had already taken the day off from work, and I felt certain that my boss had come back from vacation early to fill in for me.  It just sickened me.  I also had my heart set on this being the day for my last chemo.  Carrie said she would go talk to her supervisor and see if there might be any other alternative.  She came back quickly and said, "We're going to do it.  It was our mistake and we're going to make it right!"  They were willing to stay late to make sure I received chemo today.  So the necessary blood was drawn, a phone call was made to the lab, another nurse hand-delivered the blood to the lab immediately.  I went to the cafeteria and had lunch. About 5 minutes after getting back to the cancer center, Carrie called my name.  The lab results came back in a little over an hour!

What's next?  A few weeks of recovery from the side effects that happen after chemo.  Since there is a cumulative effect, things may be a little more severe this time, but it will be the last time I deal with them... so I'm cool with that.  The radiation process will begin next.  Some scans will be done, mapping of the radiation therapy, etc. and then six weeks of radiation, 5 days a week.  Time consuming, but pretty much painless, at least for breast cancer.  There is a lot of fatigue as a result of receiving almost daily radiation, but I can manage that.  When chemo is over, the worst is over.  Chemo is like running a race with a lot of hills and valleys... Radiation is like running on flat ground!  (I must say that radiation for breast cancer is relatively easy.  I'm aware that it is not a painless process for other types of cancer, by any means.)

Donna

Connie and Carrie

Chemotherapy delivery is always easy and painless, so all went well today.  Since I didn't get to sleep until after 5:00am this morning (yep, steroids again), I thought I would sleep through chemo, but I didn't.  I worked on my Spanish homework until Ric came and then we talked.  Thanks to Carrie and my nurse, Connie, I was able to leave much earlier than expected.  It was bittersweet to leave.  Certainly, I am glad this part of the treatment is over (and will be even happier when the resulting side effects subside), but the chemotherapy nurses are such incredible, caring women, and the bond they make with their patients is so strong, that's it's hard to say goodbye!  They are highly intelligent, know their jobs well and thoroughly, are able to help every patient relax by answering all questions and providing needed information.  The icing on the cake, is that they become your friend as well.  Every day they deal with folks who are confronting a frightening disease, yet their dispositions remain sunny and bright.  We share pictures of our children and pets.  They bring us water, soft drinks, pretzels, crackers, cookies, if we want them.  (We never have to ask, they always offer.)  The let me take pictures of them and post on Facebook.  I can't think of a time I've dreaded going to chemotherapy... I'm eager to get there.  Oh!  The very first time I went (in 2006), I was scared to death!  Walked out of work holding onto Ric's arm, feeling like I was going to throw up, tears streaming down my face.  Once I got there, the fear didn't last long.  Donna was my very first chemo nurse and she laid the groundwork for me to have a positive experience at David Lee Cancer Center!

I'm thankful that David Lee Cancer Center is here in Charleston.  A top-notch facility with top-notch oncologists!  I have felt safe and secure in this hospital always.  Because things were so well explained to me, I have always felt confident in the treatments I have received.  I'm also grateful to have a cancer center right here in the area where I live.  Because of this I can continue my life outside the center as normally as possible!  I continue to work, I have support from friends and family, I can live in my house, walk my dog, and more.  For me, it's very conducive for healing!  I, personally, think I would constantly be in a "sick" mindset if I were living out of town while undergoing treatment for cancer. Now a lot of people travel far to receive their treatments at David Lee, but most are still able to go home after treatment, with some staying overnight to get the Neulasta injection the next day.  There are some critical physical problems at the center:  Most of the units in the current building are very small and crowded.  Today Ric's chair was actually partway in the hallway, because of the limited space.  Hopefully all that will change in the next few years, as a fantastic new cancer center is planned and funds are being raised to build a stand-alone facility across the street, complete with more space, and some really nice "extras."  Exciting!  I'll write more about that in a separate blog entry.  You can find out a little more here now: Charleston's Cancer Center of Tomorrow

This evening, I am feeling pretty good.  Tired, but not sleepy yet.  Yikes!  I was hoping to be snoozing by now.  Last night I took a Phenergan (anti-nausea) along with the Decadron (steroid).  Someone suggested that since the Penergan creates a lot of drowsiness, it might help combat the sleeplessness of the Decadron..  Tried it.  Didn't work.  But I'm going to try it again tonight!

3/28/12 - I Get to Go to Chemo Tomorrow

Yes, I GET to go to chemotherapy tomorrow.  It occurred to me today that there are many people in the world who have cancer, and are unable to get treatment for the disease, mostly because they cannot afford to pay for it.  They die.  And they die without medications to make their passing more comfortable. 

I've done nothing to earn this blessing, if that's what it's called.  I'm sure I've done much, much less.  Yet, I GET to go to chemotherapy tomorrow.

I'm grateful.  But what a selfish thing to say.  "They" would be grateful too.

Am I just lucky?

I can't get my head around this tonight.  I will go to David Lee Cancer Center tomorrow with a happy... and grateful heart... and feeling blessed.

Dear God

If it's not necessary for me to know why...

then just show me what to do. 

Love, Jeanne

3/25/12 - Nesting

I've been doing my pre-chemo house-cleaning today.  Next time I do this it will just be plain ole house-cleaning.  Why?  Because this Thursday will be my last chemotherapy treatment!

I'll have six weeks of radiation after a little chemo recovery time, but the worst part will be over.

I'm not wishing away time, but I am kind of excited! 

3/24/12 - Routine

I only have several short hairs on my head, which unless you're really close to me, you wouldn't even notice.  But when I take a shower, I still wash my "hair" with shampoo!

3/17/12 - House of Cards

I QUIT

I told Ric and also Jenny that I was finished with chemo and have decided not to have #4!  It felt good to say it aloud, as though it were possible, and as though I had some say in the matter.  "So there 'Keemoh'!  You can have your nausea, numbness, pain, dizziness, sore mouth, dry skin, bald head, mood swings, depression, irritability, hot flashes, cold chills, drowsiness, and sleeplessness.  I'm exhausted trying to figure out what you're going to do from one day to the next!  Yessir, you can have it all back... AND... I am cancelling our fourth date!" 

Incredible how good I felt after making that decision.  Those few seconds were pure bliss.  March 29 - Chemo.  It's still on my calendar.

A MOUNTAIN OF KLEENEX

I'm not sure when things went bad.  I believe it was Saturday when I did not sleep all night (but did sleep from around 6 until 10am on Sunday).  Then Monday night, I slept for only one hour.  One.  I went to work on Tuesday, knowing that somehow I would force myself to make it through the day.  Certainly it was the steroids that kept me hyper and awake.  By Monday evening, I had had the full 6 days worth of them, and my body simply said NO to sleep.

Ever have that feeling in the morning like you're glued to the bed?  I awoke Wednesday morning feeling like I was glued and sunk about 3 inches down into the bed.  It was agony to get up.  I was nauseous, had lots of pain in my feet and legs (throbbing, piercing pain) and was severely depressed.  I cried the entire time I walked Bodhi.  I'm glad it was still mostly dark outside.  Thursday started out with the same side effects and mentally I was even worse.  I told Ric that I hated being such an emotional wreck.  He told me I was a trooper.  A trooper?  Do troopers throw fits like this?  He said that despite the crying, I always eventually stopped, got up and continued to do what I had to/really wanted to do.  And I thought, well yes... so today I'll march my butt right out this door again.  But by evening I was barely holding together.  I felt like a House of Cards.  One little bump, and all would come crashing down.  Dot, my fat cat, braved her way through the piles of tissues all over the bed, and simply laid next to my head and... purred.  Just that simple.  She lay down beside me and gave me a cat's best gift.  So I got past it.  Laughed at my crying/laughing pendulum and how if someone were looking at me through my windows, they would think I needed to be locked up! 

I quieted.  I started thinking reasonably.  I realized that I had been getting through these last few workdays by taking anti-nausea and pain medications.  They worked!  I felt better and was able to do my job.  However, my body was not getting the rest it needed.  The meds kept me going, but it was like a cover-up.  I wasn't resting and I certainly wasn't healing.  So, I decided to take Jeff up on the numerous offers he had made for me to leave work early, and I did so on both Thursday and Friday.  I came home and took a one hour nap... well maybe three hours on Thursday.  :-)  Friday morning, I was not emotional.  However, as soon as I came through the front door after Bodhi's morning walk, I felt that familiar ringing in my ears and thought I was going to pass out.  Normally I would stop and sit down immediately, but I thought I would go ahead and hang up my hat on a hook in the closet.  And I went down.  Luckily I did not lose consciousness... I caught myself enough to make a soft landing!  By today (Saturday) I felt much, much better.  You know, until now, it didn't even dawn on me that this week has been the week just after chemo!  How did I expect to feel?  Like I could run a 5K? 

In addition to not getting enough rest, I've probably had difficulty because of the cumulative effect of chemo treatments.  So I'm wondering if after my next (fourth and final) chemo, I should shorten my air-shift by an hour for that whole week?  Instead of masking the symptoms and continuing to push, maybe I should just allow myself a little R&R?  After all, my body has been literally screaming for it!  Why is it so hard for me to take it easy?  Why do I feel guilty for giving in?  It's not like I'm pampering myself by having manicures and pedicures and shopping sprees... it's just a nap or two to recover from cancer treatments?  Geez, Jeanne... what would you tell your own daughter?  God is telling his daughter (you, Jeanne) to slow down... don't cry on that bed, rest on that bed.  Turn the volume down on your life for the next few weeks so that you can hear the purring.

SPEAKING HAIKU

Ric is a master of composing haikus.  He wouldn't call himself that, but I am in awe of his ability to capture a feeling or a mood with this Japanese form of poetry, containing 17 syllables on three lines... 5-7-5.  I like to write a haiku now and then myself.  It's fun and it's challenging to fit into the formula.  Seems like you wouldn't want a "formula" for poetry... but this particular one helps to pare down to the pure essence of the message you feel or wish to convey.  It's a bit magical.  During my night of nearly zero sleep, I was checking out Twitter, because Ric does a lot of late-night haiku-composing by tweeting.  Since my feelings that night were so intense and desperate, I added a couple of my own.

Pieces of my mind

Scattered about in the dark 

Sickness raping me 

That's the way I felt... but I didn't want to stay that way.

So I kept writing.

 

 I gather them up

Knit them back together

Stronger than before

Oh my!  I just remembered a haiku that my Dad gave to me the last time I was going through chemotherapy treatments!  (entry dated 3/12/06)

He said to the snail,

Go slow.  Go very slowly.

Climb up Mount Fugi.

It has a different meaning for me today.  I am not meant to run THIS race.  I will reach the top (healing) by going SLOWLY this time. 

3/11/12 - Chemo #3

Receiving Chemo #3

THREE down and ONE to go!  I can't see the finish line yet, but I know it's there!  I slept through most of Thursday's chemotherapy treatment.  The nurses said I was out like a light.  I don't even remember getting the chemo drugs, since apparently the anti-nausea meds I was given first, knocked me out.  But I know I had them!  The cumulative effect of chemo is very present this time around.  I'm not sick and only have a little bone and muscle pain, but I have that weird feeling I can only describe as "chemo-y"... sensitive skin, red face and chest, extreme fatigue, and trembling inside.  I feel it much more intensely this time.  Dr. Cohen lowered my dosage of Taxotere, so I'm not feeling as much numbness as with the last two treatments.  However, I do feel disoriented now and then.  I worked yesterday, and I know I was there, but I don't remember much about it. This morning as I was walking Bodhi, I spoke to some folks in the neighborhood, and I had trouble forming my sentences.  I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 6am this morning, and then woke at around 10, so lack of sleep is contributing to my general fogginess too, I suppose.

I can't complain.  I'm functioning, able to walk with Bodhi, albeit slower than we used to.  I'd say I'm doing pretty well.  Ric and I went to the bookstore today and after a while I had to come home to lie down.  But when I pulled in the driveway after driving home in the gorgeous sunshine, and saw Bodhi looking through the window, I thought, "I just have to take this little guy for a walk... he deserves it!"  So we walked for one hour!  Found out I'm capable of more than I think sometimes.  Aren't we all?

Whole-grain blueberry pancakes

(Ric and I always go to iHop after chemo for pancakes!  We did it in 2006 and are doing it this time around too.  Don't know why... just a silly little tradition we started.)

3/7/12 - Third Chemo Tomorrow

Ha, ha, ha-ha, ha!  I don't have to work tomorrow!

Well, no... but you hyped-up on steroids goofball... you DO have a chemotherapy treatment tomorrow at 8:30 am! 

Oh, yeah, that.

I do feel much better about this than I have the last couple days.  I feel very fortunate that I only have to have four treatments altogether this time... and after tomorrow's treatment, I will only have one more to go.  I'm moving right along.

Dr. Cohen is going to slightly lower the dosage of Taxotere this time.  The numbness and stinging in my fingers and especially my feet has not gone away.  Although it's a common side effect, the numbness should go away several days before the next treatment.  He thinks my previous doses may have been a little too high for me. Plus, he fears I could have permanent nerve damage if I remain on the same dosage.  I already have some permanent damage from the 2006 Taxol chemo drug, in the form of restless leg syndrome, so I'm in complete agreement with this adjustment.  Here's a link with some info about neuropathy (nerve damage).  Neuropathy

3/6/12 - Coming Up... Chemo Number Three

Started feeling a little anxious yesterday.  Chemo #3 is coming up on Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.  I feel good, but I wish I felt better going into this next treatment.  Although I'm watching what I eat, I'm gaining weight... and I have to start taking the steroids again tomorrow morning... which also means very little sleep for the 6 days that I'll be taking them.  Mmmmmm.  As I write this, I realize I'm dwelling on the unpleasant things.  Well, chemo IS unpleasant... but it's also what is freeing me of any cancer that may remain in my body.  And, with this next treatment, I will be more than half-way through!  Aw, c'mon, Jeanne, you can keep this up for a while longer.  Yes, I can!  Blood work tomorrow.  Chemo the next day.  Friends from Unity Church will be bringing meals for 4 or 5 days.  I can sleep on an irregular schedule for a few days until I go back to work on Monday.  I'll be okay!

As my friend, Debby, reminded me not long ago... Every day I wake up is another day closer to treatments being over... and being healed!