What a strange day this has been. I am grateful to have no pain or nausea today. But I am wondering what's going on in my brain. I feel disoriented and spacey. As Bodhi and I were walking this morning, in our neighborhood where I walk 2-3 times every day, I suddenly found myself walking in unfamiliar territory... or so it seemed. One part of my brain told me that I've walked on every street in this neighborhood and I had not suddenly been dropped somewhere else, and another part did not recognize where I was at all. I wasn't frightened... I listened to the part of my brain that said I've been here before... and before long, we rounded the corner, and there was the view of the city that I adore.
What was a bit frightening for a moment was the thought that I might now have brain damage! Good grief! Well, I can admit I'm not always functioning at the top of my game, chemo or not, but I quickly came to the conclusion that I'm experiencing the very real "chemo brain" side effect right now. I'm dealing with the cumulative effects of four rounds of strong chemotherapy drugs. This will pass. It's not permanent. It's a side effect. Okay, so there... I'm normal. LOL!!!
This morning I was puttering around the house, cleaning, organizing, moving around the folder with the paperwork to do our income taxes... trying to find a place for it where I would remember to do them, but get it out of plain view so that I would quit fretting over getting them done. As I was changing cat litter, I accidentally punctured a hole in the bag of new litter and it started pouring out all over the tiny space in the laundry room. So that job turned into a bigger one than I had planned... and I found myself quite tired. Amazing how little stamina I have now. Tried to see how many push-ups I could do. One.
I've been missing my Mom and Dad so much today. Last time I was dealing with cancer, we talked on the phone daily. Mom sent a card to me every single day while I was going through treatments. I know they're watching over me now, but I can't sense them with me. I feel like an abandoned little girl. I just want to be with them and laugh and feel their hugs and their love. I'm aching for the unconditional love of my parents. I'm aching to look into their eyes and tell them how very much I love them and appreciate all they have done for me. I'm aching to wrap my arms around those two loving, kind, precious people.
I've taken two long walks on this beautiful day with my dog. It felt good. I had to stop once to rest... seemed like a defeat. But I got up and kept going. The air felt good, the sunshine felt good, the blossoming trees and flowers were incredible. I'm sitting now at the computer, with the windows open and the fresh air pouring in. These things are holding me together today... and the One who provides them.
