10/6/06 - Celebration Day!

Today’s the day… my final radiation treatment… my final cancer treatment! I woke up happy that Ric was going with me this morning. The poor guy’s had a lot to deal with this year. I’ve been scared and sick and not always pleasant to be around! He’s been by my side from the beginning… right there holding me when I told him about the call telling me I needed to go back for another mammogram… when I had that first sick feeling that something could be very wrong. I liked knowing that we would share this day. We had weathered this storm together from the very beginning and we would see the rainbow together today!

Lisha was my radiation therapist for my first treatment and she was there today for my last. She, and all the others have been so sweet and kind. The radiation treatments were much quicker than chemo and the therapists couldn’t stay in the room during treatment, so we didn’t get to know each other as well as the nurses during chemo… but I still appreciate their caring and comfort and friendliness. Their attitudes once again made a scary situation easier! I’ll remember them fondly… always.

Ric went with me this morning to radiation, and after the treatment he suggested we go to IHOP for breakfast. On the way down to Kanawha City, I almost called him on the cell phone (we were in separate cars) to suggest Bob Evans instead, then decided IHOP was fine. When we arrived at the restaurant, the hostess met us as the door, and Ric quickly said we’ll go over there, nodding to the left. I looked and saw balloons and wondered why he wanted to go to where a kids birthday party was going on. (I didn’t even stop to think that it was weird to have a child’s birthday party at 7:30 AM on a weekday.) When we walked around the corner I saw my daughter’s face… the my step-son, then my son-in-law, then my son, then all the grandchildren… all my family early in the morning, who lived in Parkersburg, who were at work or in school… was I seeing things? Oh my! My FAMILY! They’re ALL here!

There were all kinds of balloons and flowers and cards… and my FAMILY! They came all the way down, left at 5:00 AM, will be late for work and school… just to celebrate this day with me! I cried… of course… but tears of joy! I was so happy… and had never been more surprised in my entire life! We just had a wonderful morning… eating breakfast together, laughing, and celebrating!!! It was the best gift ever… to have my husband and children and grandchildren surrounding me with their love. I’ll always remember this beautiful morning!

Jill said they wanted to do something really special for me… something I would never expect. It was special… I was completely surprised… and will never forget this wonderful day.

The celebrating went on all day… I received a dozen pink roses (my favorite) from Susi and Skip, lots of well-wishes and congratulations from our V100 listeners – some even holding simultaneous celebrations, and a gorgeous hand-made pink and cream quilt made by the Winfield Quilt Guild!

After my air shift the surprises continued. My co-workers had a Cheesecake Party to celebrate the end of treatments. The people I work with have shown their support all throughout this unusual year. They’ve taken care of me during difficult days, helped me, prayed for me, cried with me, laughed with me, and celebrated! Work is a place where we spend a lot of our time. Work gave me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, when it would have been easy to stay in bed and wallow in the suffering. And when I did come to work, I had warm, friendly faces to greet me… people who became my family during this time.

The day ended with Ric taking me to Sitar… our favorite restaurant… and we celebrated the end of the treatments, and talked and laughed about this wondrous day filled with love and celebration.

Ric is the best secret keeper ever!

10/5/06 - One More to Go

I went to my radiation treatment this morning. Tomorrow will be the last treatment. I can hardly believe it. I’ve spent most of this year having doctor appointments, tests, surgeries, and treatments… and I will be finished tomorrow!

I’ve already started the transition… I’ve been walking at a nearby park. I walked 2 miles yesterday… doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a start. I’m walking even though I’m still experiencing fatigue. My legs have never quit aching from the chemotherapy, so I thought maybe exercise would help. I was right… with only 3 days of exercise, my legs feel so much better. Dr. Plants said it would take about 2 weeks to a month to recover from the radiation therapy.

At any rate, after tomorrow… the healing begins in a new way. Actually it’s more like the recovery begins. I’ve always felt that the surgeries to remove the cancer began the healing process… and the treatments were insurance against the return of cancer. But the treatments themselves caused some unpleasant… often difficult… side effects. So once all the treatments are over, I’ll begin recovering from that.

I’m happy, but you’d think I’d be excited. I was definitely excited to have my last chemo treatment, but the side effects of that were so devastating. Radiation’s not been so bad. And another thing… even though it’s not the way I would have planned the year (!), the visits to the hospital have been a routine part of my day for a long time. Now it’s all going to change… for the better of course… but it is change… which always makes me a bit apprehensive. Plus I’ve met some really wonderful people along the way… people who’ve been encouraging, energizing and life-giving. So I’m, in a way, leaving good things behind too. Many of those friendships will continue. And during numerous follow-up visits I’ll be making to the cancer center, I’ll still be seeing the wonderful people I’ve met throughout the medical procedures! It’s still kind of strange though… the way I feel today.

Some of the little things that I’m looking forward to:

It’s been a hassle to use the seat belt in the car. When the port was still in place in the right side of my chest, and I was in the passenger seat, I had to hold it out away from my chest, because the strap went right across the port. Now recently, while driving, I’ve had to hold it out on my left side, because of a radiation burn. So one of the little things that will be nice, will be to use the seat belt on either side… hands free!

I can soon remove the Aquaphor, Hydrocortisone, baby powder, and Aleve from my purse too… maybe even go back to carrying a smaller purse!

I can finally wash off all the Sharpie marks!

Ah… but what am I going to do with that extra hour in the morning? Duh… SLEEP!

10/3/06 - Little Women?

I received my radiation treatment this morning, and was waiting to see the doctor. A man who was sitting beside me made a remark about my friend (who is also receiving radiation treatments) who has a “woman preacher.” He said, “If that’s what she wants, she’s gonna have to live with that decision.” I asked, “You find something wrong with a female being a preacher?” “Yep, I sure do!” “Why?” “Women were created to SERVE men!” I thought he was kidding and I laughed. He wasn’t and he didn’t.

Then I remembered a story he told in the waiting room one time: “My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere where she had never spent much time. So I took her by the arm, and led her into the kitchen.”

I asked him about the women-as-servants remark, “Are you just kidding?” “No!” “You’re serious?” “Yes.” “Why would you believe that?” “Because Jesus didn’t have any woman disciples!” “Women traveled in his group of followers all the time and Jesus treated every woman he met as an equal.” “No, he didn’t.”

Then his name was called for his treatment. I had had a very sleepless night and was feeling tired and grumpy, so I was in a mood to argue… I guess it’s best our conversation was cut short. I was too angry to have made any difference in his way of thinking. Oh, but the not-so-good-girl inside me sure wanted to give it a try!

The Pumpkin Patch

Heard this today:

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and
washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and
scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for
all the world to see.

Guess we’re all pumpkins.

10/2/06 - Shapes

First day of last week of radiation treatments! Today the electron plan was established for the final week of treatments. The five treatments this week will target only the area where the tumor was removed. It’s much quicker… only takes a few minutes. I have another Sharpie drawing now… around the scar in roughly the shape of Australia. I just have to be careful this week not to wash the marks away.

The area beneath my color bone is so red and painful… at least that area won’t be treated anymore, and can begin to heal.

Even though I’ve been really tired from the radiation treatments, I’ve been feeling a real need to get back to exercising and get back in shape. I wish I would have tried to walk, or do something, all along. Anyway, I decided to put on my running shoes and go to a nearby park and walk. I walked just one mile… and felt really good. I wanted to walk more, but thought I better take it easy for the first time… and walk again tomorrow.

I didn’t wear my wig… just a cap… no scarf. Was it my imagination, or did people avoid making eye contact with me?

Yesterday, I was in Target, with the same non-hairdo… and a really sweet young woman said, “Are you finished with your treatments?” I liked that she just came right out and asked. We had a nice conversation. She also was a breast cancer survivor… having had cancer in her early 30’s. I really admire young women who have to go through all this, and still be a mom, and take care of little children.

9/30/06 - Spiritual Energy

I’ve been reading the Celestine Prophecy… a book Ric wanted me to read a long time ago, but we couldn’t find it. A friend recently loaned me the book. I’m finding it really fascinating. It talks about “coincidences.” So often we dismiss coincidences as just a chance happenings and nothing more. But perhaps we should look at them as God’s guiding hand… and be open to even more coincidences, so that we may more quickly understand and follow a path on which God is leading us.

I’m also fascinated by the insight about energy… harmful ways of acquiring energy (like exerting power over another person) and good ways of acquiring energy (absorbing the beauty in nature, mindful eating, etc.)… and that we can give energy to other people. I’m still trying to sort it all out, and apply what I’m reading.

Yesterday I was at the gas pump, and someone pulled in front of me, so close I would have difficulty getting out, because there were cars in line behind me too. (Gas was $2.10/gallon… thus the line!) I felt myself getting annoyed with the woman, and realized energy was just going away from me. Upon that realization, I did see that with a little maneuvering I could still get out, so I stopping sweating and stewing over this now obviously minor problem… pumped the gas… and left happy.

Seeing Red

Radiation side effect: The place under my collar bone is really deep red and sore… like a hot iron’s been pressed on my skin. I keep putting Aquaphor and Hydrocortisone on it… and have found that Aleve or Advil helps too.

Mokie & Dot

It’s nighttime now… and raining. The sound of the rain feels good. The sights, smells, and even sounds of nature are energy producing! Once again I’m understanding what I’ve been reading. It’s better to get our energy from nature, food, pets, etc. than to take it from other people, in subtle or not so subtle power struggles. God provides us with a multitude of ways to become energized in a healthy way, without jeopardizing other people.

It even makes sense to me now why I feel so peaceful when the cats meet me at the door… or having a purring cat on my lap, gazing into my eyes, loving my touch… she’s sending energy to me! That’s why, for many people, it’s healthy both physically and psychologically to have a pet! Aha!

9/29/06 - TV Interview

The interview on WSAZ-TV aired yesterday. Again, I’m impressed with how they narrow down an hour interview to 4 minutes or so and nicely capture the essence of what was said. Dr. Plants made the point that it may seem to some people that the doctor doesn’t spend much time with the patient… but hours and hours by many different medical professionals go into the treatment planning phase. (Actually Dr. Plants did spend a lot of time with me on the first visit, explaining the process and answering questions.) Penny explained how my workday begins with a visit to Charleston Radiation… and then there was footage of me lying on the radiation treatment table. Of course I wasn’t really receiving a treatment, but we wanted to give folks an idea of what it was like. Footage was also shown of the computer and development of the radiation treatment plan according to the CT scan. Dr. Plants did such a wonderful job of explaining the process in terms we could all understand. Penny reiterated for me how important it is for all women to receive routine breast exams and mammograms… reminding folks that I felt completely healthy, with no signs of anything being wrong… and that the mammogram I had in January was the only thing that told me I had cancer. Otherwise, the cancer would still be growing in my body!

Just Cure It

Two breast cancer survivors I had become acquainted with through e-mail are part of a team going to Philadelphia on October 6 to take part in the “3 Day”… a 60 mile walk, which takes place over three days… to raise money for and awareness about breast cancer. They were having a fundraiser today to help with their travel expenses. I went to it because I was eager to meet them personally and do a little to help them out. What a joy to meet Sherry and Jane Ann! They not only survived breast cancer at a very young age, with little children to care for… but they’ve reached a point where they are going to walk sixty miles in three days! I remember when Sherry first e-mailed me about the event. I was still undergoing chemotherapy, and knew that the severe side effects were temporary, and that I would not always be sick… but in the back of my mind I thought I would always be tired. When Sherry told me she was going to walk 60 miles… I thought “Wow… there will be a time when I fully recover!” She inspired me to know I would be able to exercise again and maybe even accomplish amazing goals! There are six women on their team… their team name is “Just Cure It.”

9/25/06 - Charleston Radiation Therapy

Began 6th week of radiation treatments this morning. Last Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat… extremely tired and fatigued. It was difficult to get out of bed every morning… and I just plodded through the days… coming home after work to nap… yet still unable to sleep. That always confounds me. How can I be so tired and yet not sleep? I even have trouble going to sleep at night.

Now it’s been two days without radiation treatments and one day off work… I’m feeling better today. The area just below my collar bone is quite red and very, very itchy and stinging. I’m getting used to not scratching… instead I just grit my teeth and say “Eeeeeeeek”! Almost finished though… this week and next… then I’ll be done.

Penny Moss from WSAZ did another follow-up interview today… at radiation therapy. Dr. Plants also took part in the interview. He did such a terrific job. He’s a doctor who is really passionate about his work. You can tell Dr. Plants just loves what he does. I like being treated by a doctor who loves his job! As part of the interview process, we went to several different areas of the radiation department… and I got to see some behind-the-scenes work that goes on. Wow! So much more than I realized. There’s a whole team who works together to develop the radiation treatment plan for each patient. It makes me feel safe knowing how carefully the treatment is planned… and makes me proud that we have the latest technology right here in West Virginia. It was also cool to be in the treatment room and look around and hear an explanation of how everything works… usually I just see the ceiling and the top of the machine!

The interview will air on WSAZ-TV this Thursday at 5:30 pm.

9/18/06 - Carol Paxton

Shortly after I was diagnosed, I received an e-mail from someone who had been dealing with colon/liver cancer and treatments for nearly a year… Carol. She thanked me for sharing my breast cancer diagnosis with the public, and encouraged me to keep talking about it. She also said, “I have no magic solution to our problem, Jeanne, but I know, as well as you do, that we have to let go and let God take care of us right now. We are in that master plan, even though we don’t understand it right now.” I was still very scared at that time… and her words rang true to me… and comforted me. Carol told me that she was going to the David Lee Cancer Center for her treatments… the same place I would be going for the first time that very day. She said, “If you ever just want to talk, I would really like that.”

We exchanged a couple more emails that day… ending with her telling me she would be at the Cancer Center that afternoon for blood work, and maybe we would run into each other. And we did! Carol, Ric and I talked until one of us was called by the nurse. She kindly and sweetly answered all my questions… shared her experience… and was just really helpful and encouraging.

We continued to exchange e-mails for a while. As I approached my first chemotherapy treatment with apprehension and some concerns, she patiently detailed what the chemo treatments were like… so that I would know more about what to expect… everything from accessing the port to administering the chemo… to suggestions for packing a goody bag with drinks, snacks and a book to read… and even answered that all-important question – yes, you can go to the bathroom during the chemo delivery!

I felt so comfortable asking Carol questions. She never made me feel like I was bothering her… she seemed to actually delight in answering every little question and addressing every concern that I had. She wrote, “Write anytime. It is always nice to hear from you. If you feel like it in a few days, email me and let me know how you are. I will be saying a little prayer for you and your family.” She prepared me well for my first treatment. She eased my fears. She made me more ready to accept the healing that was already at work. She was an angel during a time I needed one.

Carol also sent another angel to me… her friend, Paula… who is a breast cancer survivor. And Paula, too, has been a friend and a wealth of information as well. Carol was so thoughtful… even in dealing with her own illness… she made sure I had someone I could talk with who understood my kind of cancer. Now that is a generous, loving spirit!

I received word today from Paula that Carol died on Sunday morning. I'm so heartbroken... for Carol, her husband, her children, and friends. She never got the opportunity to know what it was like to feel good again, watch her hair grow back, or any of the exciting "little" things that happen with recovery. I’m thinking of all kinds of things she didn’t get to do. But maybe since she knew she was going to die, she did get to do many things that brought her heart comfort. I didn’t know her well enough to know what she loved and what made her laugh. About pulling through or not making it, my friend said Carol told her “Don’t worry, I am going to be fine either way.” And I know she is. Yet I sit here with a broken heart, crying and not fully understanding. My faith tells me she's fine... but still, all of the "why" questions run through my mind. I know that I was blessed to have met Carol.

Ric and I just went on the air together. I thought we would ignore what I learned moments ago, and talk about something altogether different. But we didn’t… because the only thing that mattered at the moment was Carol and her family.

Ric told me after our time on the air, that if I asked God, He would send a sign to me that Carol is okay. Ric said that God is not so removed from us that he does not want to communicate with us... He's right here with us. I came back upstairs and it appears as though my "sign" is several e-mails I’m receiving right now from our V100 family! Yes, Carol is fine now… able to see that master plan she first spoke to me about. Her hand is in God’s hand. And the spirit of Carol Paxton will never go away… her spirit is still alive and well in all whose lives she touched.

9/15/06 - Sudoku

Sudoku. Everywhere I go I see Sudoku books. The bookstore has a stack of them displayed on a table; there are rows and rows of Sudoku books on the shelves; there’s a magazine section devoted to Sudoku puzzles. For months now I’ve wondered what it is… and what makes it so popular. I’ve flipped briefly through a book or two and scanned the pages filled with little squares and numbers, not having a clue how one would begin to know how to fill in the blanks. Now, these little puzzles are showing up in the newspaper. Today, I stopped and read the instructions at the bottom of the puzzle: Fill in the empty squares so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains each of the numbers from 1 to 9 exactly once. What? That’s all there is to it? I can do that.

This, my first Sudoku, was medium level… but should be no problem. Well, needless to say, it was a bit more challenging than I figured. Filled in a few boxes quickly. Then I really had to think and play and calculate to come up with the solution. Eventually, I started to speedily fill in the numbers… only to find I had two 4’s in one 3x3 square. Now, it wasn’t like a crossword puzzle where you could erase a couple letters… it was math for heaven sakes… and I had no idea what to do except to start over. Instead I found yesterday’s newspaper and started a brand new one. Used the same logic, but thought it would be speedier since I now had a practice run under my belt. Same thing though… filled in some quickly… got stalled… then the numbers seemed to magically work their way through the puzzle… only now I had two 9’s in the same row. Time to gather up the newspapers for recycling!

Ric called on his way home from work, picked me up and we went to the… bookstore! The first thing that caught my eye was the table of Sudoku books. I picked up an “Introduction” to Sudoku, knowing there must be some logic that escaped me… after all I was a reasonably intelligent woman… or was I? I read the first page, and discovered that there was indeed another logic to apply to solve these puzzles! Another way of reasoning that I had not even considered! Which caused me to realize… that’s why I have trouble solving all kinds of problems and waste so much time worrying. I can see only one way to resolve a problem, and no other way even enters my head… I can see no other options! When another option is shown to me, it’s “Ah, why didn’t I think of that?” But I can’t see it on my own. If my way of reasoning works… great… a problem solved. If not… that’s when I worry.

I asked Ric about this… my ever so wise husband. He told me that I was right, that I did have difficulty seeing other options. His suggestion was to see something as resolved, and work my way backwards to the problem… let the resolution process unfold… allow it to happen. Step outside the box and allow a different way of thinking to come to me. It’s hard for me to process all this… yet it makes sense. I’ll have to try it out on something. There’s bound to be a little itty bitty problem come my way soon. I need something on the easy level.

9/14/06 - For the Welfare of the Whole

Woke up this morning feeling much better, even though I didn’t get much sleep. I was still awake after midnight and awake again at 5:00 a.m. And except for the itchy skin, I felt really good all day.

I started reading Deepak Chopra’s book, “The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life.” He says that most of us keep shutting out thousands of experiences that could make transformation a reality, and if it weren’t for the enormous effort we put into denial, repression, and doubt, our lives would be a constant revelation. He also makes the point that reading about change has an effect at the level of thinking, while the level of feeling and the level of doing remain untouched. If we want to make changes we have to take action. So, tomorrow I’m going to work on remembering to make all decisions “for the good of the whole.” I don’t think I can keep more than one change at a time in my head… so I’ll just work on this one for now.

9/13/06 - Temp

I was still feeling bad in the morning, and cancelled my radiation appointment. It was not a fun day. My chest is itching like crazy, mostly near my collar bone – from radiation treatments. I use hydrocortisone cream, but it only helps a little bit. I’ve had the itchy feeling for a few days, but it’s getting worse… more like little needles. Yuck, 4-1/2 more weeks of this. Time to start chanting, “It’s only temporary.”

I remember now sitting on the floor last night crying and saying I thought I was done with all this being sick. I told my kids last week I was going to have some itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy, tiny minor surgery. I had no idea at the time that I’d be down for three days!

9/12/06 - Bathrooms

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I so wanted to stay in bed. But instead I went to 7:15 radiation appointment, then to work. I still felt tired, but a little better. I fixed my high-protein shake and drank it. Five minutes later, I was in the bathroom throwing up. I tried to do my air shift, but had to go throw up again. Ric came in and relieved me. I spent the rest of the day very, very sick. Ric called the doctor’s office and they said it was most likely a reaction from yesterday’s anesthetic. Ric got off work at 7 and brought home Phenergan.

What a horrible day. I expected this surgery to be a breeze. I hadn’t felt this sick since chemo… and was surprised I was experiencing this again.

Sometimes the only thing a person can feel grateful for is a nearby bathroom!

9/11/06 - Surgery #4

Here we are at Surgi Care again. Not really nervous. Even though March was when I was here last, it seems routine. My surgi-cap is in my lap. Seems kinda silly to need it considering the little amount of hair I have. It’s the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. Dr. Phil is on the TV in the pre-op room. I could do without him trying to settle some petty dispute this morning. I forgot to leave my contacts out, so I’m waiting for some cups and saline solution. The nurse put the IV in my hand. After all I’ve been through, I still can’t look when it’s inserted. I’m ready for Ric to come be with me now… and here he is!

Next thing I know, surgery’s over. Felt a little pain, but not bad.

By the time I got to the car, I needed the pain medication! Otherwise I felt really good. Took a nap when I got home… slept for two hours. Felt great when I woke up… until I rolled over. Whew! The local anesthetic had worn off. Except for the localized pain, I still felt pretty good. I think when I take the pressure bandage off in the morning, I’ll feel much better. Got sleepy again around 9:00 and went to bed. Radiation again tomorrow at 7:15 a.m.

9/10/06 - Doing Too Much

Came back from Snowshoe this afternoon. Mom C. had a fantastic dinner ready for us.

Tomorrow will be a busy morning. Radiation treatment at 7:30 a.m., then surgery to remove the chemo port at 8:30.

Karin Fuller’s column in the Charleston Gazette was about multi-tasking… and the absurdity of it! I recall years ago when I was doing the monthly billing at work and loaded a few hours worth of bills to print, then went home and put a load of laundry in the wash, and then took my daughter to dance class. On the way in the car, I was thinking about what an amazing woman I was… I had set two projects into motion and was doing another… 3… I was doing 3 things at once! Yeah, me! And then it occurred to me that this was a crazy lifestyle… too hectic… trying to do too much at one time… and wondering when I was going to slow down and enjoy the things I do.

Years later, I’m still “proud” of my multi-tasking capabilities. Until I catch myself. Why is there always so much to do?

The anniversary of 9/11 will be tomorrow. I remember 5 years ago when Ric called to me in another room, “A plane hit the World Trade Center!” We sat side by side on the sofa, watching the rest unfold… hardly believing what we were seeing.

The time to slow down and enjoy life is now.

9/9/06 - Snowshoe Mountain

What a delightful day. Started with breakfast in the outdoor café… crisp cool air. Enjoyed some fantastic blues music. Rode the ski lift with Ric. Still scary. I love when we get to the bottom… and not just because I can get off the ski lift. That’s where there’s a beautiful lake surrounded by pines… hammocks in the woods… and I found some hiking trails this trip. Oh, it felt so good to walk the trails… one of my favorite things in life. And this time I had the stamina to do it! That was a good feeling too.

On the way back up, Ric was telling me to relax and enjoy the scenery. I was thinking, “You can stop this thing now… I’ll walk the rest of the way up the hill… uh, the mountain… uh, maybe I can ride it out.” I spotted a deer below us and pointed it out to Ric (who thought I wasn’t seeing anything.) He turned around to see it. It scares me when he moves too much… I’m afraid he’ll fall out.

We had a super, wonderful dinner with our V100 winners… Vanessa and John, Mary and Steve, Cathy and Tony. Good food and good fellowship. It’s fun getting to know each other. We were seated outside, and the cold of the night is the only thing that caused us to retire for the night. It was a really good time.

9/8/06 - Perception

Nevermind!

Got to work today… and yesterday’s problems… are not problems afterall. The e-mail did in fact go to the correct winner. The other person with the same name had not even entered the contest… someone told her they heard her name on the radio, and she thought she might have won something.

And the American Idol tickets. They arrived this morning… and there are tickets for everyone who won. I just forgot about having given them away.

I got exactly one hour’s sleep last night. Spent the night worrying about how I was going to fix everything. Turns out there wasn’t anything that needed fixing. I perceived there to be problems when there weren’t any! So Jeanne. When will you ever learn to trust God to take care of you?

I guess I’m so aware of other people’s serious problems… which don’t seem to be relieved or resolved… and I think, “Who am I to expect my problems to be resolved? Why should I be exempt?” The truth is we are all “exempt” at times… and sometimes the problem doesn’t go away, but we have to work through it. Either way… we’re always in God’s hands. And that’s what I need to remember. When I am in a helpless situation, there’s nothing else I can do but rest in God’s care, until I’m in a position to either work my way through to find an answer… or find there’s really nothing to worry about afterall.

9/7/06 - What a Mess

We had a contest on the radio this week for a trip, which has resulted in some major confusion. We drew names of three winners, and it appears that there are two people with the same name from the same town. I sent an e-mail to one, and followed up with a phone call… to the other person… thinking they were one and the same. I was unable to reach the one who didn’t win. Will she be angry tomorrow when I tell her she was not the winner?

Another person e-mailed about American Idol tickets, which she won a couple months ago… and wants to know if the tickets have come in yet. I don’t even remember giving any away! Oh dear. There were so many days when I was undergoing chemotherapy that I felt just plain foggy. Another one to be resolved tomorrow.

***

It’s 2:00 am. I can’t get to sleep because I’m so worried about getting these problems resolved tomorrow. I try not to think about them… but the more I try… the more I think. I can’t figure out how to solve the problems, because I don’t have all the facts yet. Sleep Jeanne sleep. Nothing can be done now. Please God, clear my brain… let me trust that’ll it’ll all work out… somehow.

3:00… I’m still awake.

4:00… I’m still awake.

9/6/06 - A Watched Pot Never Boils

Every morning and every night, I look closely in the mirror to see how much my hair has grown. It seems to have stopped growing! Or is it that I look too much? It’s hard to watch hair grow! It’s not that I need to have hair to feel well… it’s more like a little kid waiting to open presents!

Surgery is scheduled for Monday morning to remove the infuse-port… ‘cause I won’t need it anymore! Yeah! It was really good to have it… made chemo much easier. But I’ll also be glad to have it out too. When riding in the passenger side of the car, the seat belt goes right across it, and it’s sometimes uncomfortable lying on my right side. So that’ll be a relief.

I had an uncomfortable work assignment today. The political candidate who pointed her finger in my face and told me that I would look better in a wig (at the Susan G. Komen Race earlier this year), came into the station today to record her commercial for running for office. I was assigned to record her. I was polite and professional, but I didn’t introduce myself. I was wearing a wig this time. She either didn’t recognize me or didn’t remember me. Did the job and was as pleasant as I could stand to be. :-)

9/5/06 - Who's That Looking Back at Me?

11th radiation treatment today. One-third of the way through. So far so good. Skin a little pink. No pain.

Watched Katie Couric’s first CBS Evening News broadcast. She’s awesome.

Dot was on my lap this evening and I was petting her. I saw my reflection in her eyes and was surprised to see my own nearly bald head. It’s funny… it’s been five months since I lost my hair and from time to time I’m still startled when I see myself sans a head full of curly hair.

9/3/06 - A Star is Born... or Two or Three

‘Twas our Labor Day celebration today – kids and grandkids came to visit. Mom C made potato salad and baked beans. Ric grilled hamburgers, hot dogs, and brats. Jill and Daniel brought dessert. Nic taught us how to peel a banana the way monkeys do it… pinch the end twice in opposite directions… then viola… the peel comes right off!

While all the other adults were cooking… Tierra taught me some cheers. After dinner, we set up a theater in the living room, and Tierra, Sophie and I performed for the rest of the gang. It was so much fun. We got a standing ovation!

I didn’t realize until the end of the day that I had almost enough energy to keep up with the girls through the practices and the performance. I’ve come a long way towards healing!

What a blessed day.

9/2/06 - Conversations

The first WV college football game of the season was today… and a huge rivalry… WVU vs. Marshall. The game was being played in Morgantown… and tickets sold out right away. So, thousands of fans were not able to go see the game live. However… since baseball season was over yesterday, the football game was shown on the giant video board at the baseball park. Admission was free, and a couple thousand people, including Ric, Nic, Mom Cochran, and I, went to the ballpark to watch the game. It’s fun to watch a game like this in a crowd… and be part of the clapping, cheering… just getting caught up in the atmosphere and excitement.

This conversation took place mid-way through the game:

Mom C: Why don’t they play on their own field?

Ric: (assuming she was talking about Marshall)
Well, next year they will.

Mom C: Why not now?

Ric: Well, in order to have a game, they have to play together.

Mom C: I don’t get it.

Poor lady… we had her so confused. She thought WVU was located in Charleston… and both colleges and fans drove to Morgantown for the game… instead of playing the (football) game, right here on their “home” field at the baseball park!

And later, at home:

Mom C: Is anybody hungry?

Jeanne: Oh, no.

Nic: No way, I’m too full.

Ric: Noooooooo. I’ve had too much to eat already.
Can’t eat anything else.

Mom C: Are you sure?

All: Yes! Nothing else. No thanks.

I left the room to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Came back into the family room to say goodnight to everyone. Mom C was serving the guys grilled cheese sandwiches! Guess she talked them into being hungry!

9/1/06 - Changes

Finished up the second week of radiation. No treatment on Monday (holiday). I’m glad – a chance for some skin healing. I’m not red, but breast is very tender and underarm is a bit sore. I’ve been doing stretches as instructed by Dr. Plants. He said the skin and underlying tisse would tighten up during radiation treatments. I’m definitely feeling that lately… so doing extra stretches.

Today was the last Hawaiian shirt day for the season at work. It was also suggested that we could wear blue & gold or green & white to show our support for WVU or Marshall for the big game tomorrow. Extra points would be awarded for a Hawaiian shirt with the WVU or Marshall logo. I couldn’t come up with that… but I did wear my game shirt and a lei. It was the best I could do. There were several folks here who just didn’t get it right away… I heard someone say, “Why is she wearing a lei?” And the response… “Dummy…she’s combined both the big game and Hawaiin shirt day!” It was fun. The thing itched like crazy, but I wore it all day!

Thanks to my friend, Cher, I now have a better protein supplement to take. Optimum Nutrition’s High-Protein Meal Shake has more protein than the Boost I was drinking and much less sugar and carbohydrates… 35 grams of protein, 1 g sugar and 3 g carbs. I got vanilla flavor so I can mix it occasionally with berries, bananas, or peanut butter.

Nic came down today. His head is shaved… so I have more hair than he does. We laughed about that. We look a lot alike now, except for the beard and mustache. Guess I’ll shave tomorrow. J

First day of September, and the weather changed abruptly from summer to fall. Much cooler today… and quite chilly tonight… needed a light jacket. I love the change of seasons.

8/30/06 - What do Dreams, Umbrellas, Underwear and Blue Bags Have in Common?

My wigs and hats are driving me nuts lately. Itchy and uncomfortable. I suppose that’s a sign that I’m feeling better… the head gear is bothersome, because nothing else really is!

However, I was really quite tired today, even though I had a good night’s sleep. I assume it’s a side-effect of the radiation that the doctor told me about. I kept thinking I would feel better as I went on with the day, but I stayed tired. Went home and took a nap after work. Had the funniest dreams. I dreamed that the General Manager of our company was sitting in the family room with my mother-in-law. He was in a recliner chair (even though we don’t own one) with his feet up and asked me to fix him some soup! I was afraid to ask him what he was doing there or how long he planned to stay, fearing I would hurt his feelings. I also dreamed that I kept finding beautiful shoes in my closet, one pair after another, but they were all too big for me… then my mother told me they were her shoes. In reality that made sense, because I’m 5’7” and wear a size 7 shoe, my mom is 5’2” and wears an 8-½ shoe. Goofy naptime entertainment.

We went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday this evening… and provided our own unplanned entertainment:

Once Ric picked up a folded-up black umbrella off the prize table and started to talk into it, thinking it was the wireless microphone. Ric’s mom said, “I can’t laugh at him doing that. Sometimes I pick up the TV remote control and start punching numbers to make a phone call!”

Another time I asked my friend Cher if she has a special closet for all her shoes (because she has so many great ones). She said she has shoes in every closet in the house… and owns more shoes than underwear. I said, “Well of course we don’t need as many pairs of underwear because we can just wash them when we need more.” And she laughingly replied, “Or just don’t wear any!” We all screamed and laughed at that. I then told about a wedding reception where I overheard a young girl in a bathroom stall tell her friends, “I just loooooove going without underwear,” and several of her friends replied, “Me too.” I went back to the reception and told Ric and our friend Matt, “Those girls out there dancing? Most of them aren’t wearing underwear.” Ric and Matt’s eyes got big and their mouths dropped open, and their eyes remained fixed on the dance floor for most of the rest of the evening.” There’s more… Later in the evening (at WWW) I heard Cher laughing hysterically. Mom Cochran (84 years old) had just told her, “If I had a body like you, I wouldn’t wear underwear either.”

(I just think it’s terrific that an “80 something” lady can join in the fun and frivolity of a bunch of women relieving life’s stresses. She could have easily pooh-poohed the underwear talk… but instead added her own spice to the conversation!)

In the last hour of the evening at WWW we give away prizes every 5-10 minutes. I was sitting at the V100 table and saw Cher and Ric pick up a bright blue bag. Cher remarked that she didn’t know who donated it to be given away. Ric said he didn’t know either, but they coupled the bag with some baseball tickets… called out a number and gave them away to a very appreciative winner. After WWW was wrapped up, Matt was packing up all the equipment and loading it in the van. He had a little pile of microphones and other equipment and asked, “Has anybody seen that blue bag I pack this stuff in?” We all burst out laughing. All together we said, “We gave it away as a prize!!!” Not believing us of course, Matt looked under tables and behind chairs, searching for the bag. After we convinced him we gave it away, he went looking for the lady who won the “prize.” Ric traded her a restaurant gift certificate for the blue bag. She was glad to give up the bag and her husband said, “I thought that thing looked a little chintzy.”

8/29/06 - Ready... or Not?

Wigs and hats are so irritating to me lately. I just usually go around the house with my quarter inch of fine, thin hair. Mom C and I had been watching TV and talking. Ric called and said he was on his way home, and wanted to take us out for a bite to eat, and for us to just come out and meet him in the driveway. Mom C said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Me, too… I just have to put shoes on.” We stood up to go, and I said, “Oh! And hair!” Some people go out of the house, and grab a jacket or a sweater. I grab some hair.

8/28/06 - Sunday

We went to our company picnic at the ballpark today. It was stifling hot, but fun to be with co-workers and not working. It’s a chance to relate on another level and laugh together… and spend time with the spouses of the folks we work with.

At Ric’s urging, Mom Cochran sang “The 7th Inning Stretch (“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”) and was on the video board. What a champ! She said she was nervous, but you couldn’t tell – she just stepped up to the plate (no pun intended) and sang!

Monday

Began second week of radiation this morning. Still easy. Still no skin irritation. A little tired, but not bad. By evening I’ll feel just fine.

Mom C cooked dinner for us – baked chicken, corn-on-the-cob, homemade applesauce.

Teays Maids came today to clean. And they thoroughly cleaned… a good ole spring cleaning. Sparkling clean, and smells great. They used Murphy’s Oil Soap on the hardwood floors.

What a treat! Came home to a clean house and lovely dinner… and I didn’t have to lift a finger. I could get used to this. We ate in our freshly painted dining room – by the window, with candles. A nice evening.

Both children called to see how I was and let me know how the grandchildren’s first day of school went. Yep, I’m blessed. Very blessed.

8/25/06 - Friday Night

Ric’s mom came to visit us for a while. It was so good to see her. We all went to the Lighthouse Café this evening… and enjoyed wonderful live music. Ric does such a great job of bringing lots of local talent in to perform… and the church has done a fantastic job of setting the atmosphere and providing a warm welcome to all who come.

Saturday

Teays Maids are coming Monday morning to clean the house… compliments of my co-workers. I told Mom Cochran they would be here. I went to work early in the morning to do part of my work, then left to go buy some cat food. I dropped it off at the house before going back to work… but Mom C didn’t even know I was there… because she was in the family room running the vacuum! When I got up this morning, she was outside cleaning the deck furniture! She’s 84… or 83.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back. Yippee! I can’t believe they’re growing back so quickly. They just finished completely falling out (I had three or four that had been hanging on) and now they’re coming back already. I told Ric… he said that’s because I’m healing. I recently read in a book that was given to me “There’s No Place Like Hope,” that we should remember that when the process of losing our hair has begun – the process of saving our life has too. So the process of growing it back means we’re well on our way to returning to a “normal” life. I always put the word normal in quotes, because (1) I think no one is really normal, and (2) I truly want my life to be changed by having had cancer… I hope I’ll be a better person than I was before. But I am glad that chemotherapy and the heavy medication days are behind me, and of course I’ll be glad when the radiation treatments are finished as well.

Also in that same book I read “Learn early to look at what surgery, chemo, or radiation is going to do FOR you instead of TO you. That makes all the difference.” And certainly I’m grateful for all the treatments available to cure cancer. Some of them, especially chemotherapy, are difficult to deal with… but I’ll be forever grateful that it was available for me!

The hair returning, the dry skin healing, nails looking better… all “outside”/”body” stuff… but it is a reflection of the way I feel inside – back to being fully aware, more energetic, regaining my health, and rid of cancer.

8/24/06 - Seeing Red

Radiation was at 6:40 this morning… way too early for Jeanne. Starting tomorrow morning all appointments from now on will be 7:20. I can handle that.

I was so tired today. I don’t think the alarm going off at 5:30 a.m. accounted for all the fatigue I felt. Must be the radiation treatment having an effect. To be expected.

Even though I was tired, I came home and took all the furniture, curtains, and accessories that had been stashed in the guest room, and brought them back into the living/dining room. I still have some trim work to finish up, but Mom Cochran is coming to stay with us for a few weeks and I’m sure she would prefer not to sleep between Ric and I.

The red walls, white fireplace look gorgeous. It was a risk painting the walls red – there were so many shades to choose from – but it turned out just the way we wanted… with the look we had imagined. Ric had the idea to move the wicker furniture into the dining room area, and put the table by the big windows in the living room. It looks fantastic. The “den” is so cozy… and there’s a nice view from the table. The other side of the living room is our music area… with piano and guitars. It’s an unconventional arrangement, but it suits us and we like it.

When we moved into the house last year, I planned to take the wallpaper off the bathroom walls first – because it was the smallest area to deal with, then move onto the kitchen… and do the living room/dining room/hallway area last because it would be the biggest job. I recall now how my plan got reversed. I saw one little turned-up corner of wallpaper, and tugged on it just a bit…

8/23/06 - Time to Pay Up

Today was the first time I had an opportunity to go to Magistrate Court to try to get the judge to drop the charges for the ticket I received last Tuesday. For days I’ve been preparing in my head what I needed to tell him or her:

· I didn’t know the registration had expired because the renewal form was not forwarded to our new address

· Someone at work did alert me to the expired inspection sticker a couple months ago, but I just forgot about it because I’ve been busy and under stress

· I had no criminal intent, and the law that I (unintentionally) violated did not put other people in jeopardy

· I have an excellent driving record and that should be taken into consideration

· I just don’t have the money right now to pay a fine… with all the medical bills I’ve recently incurred. (Yep, I was even ready to play the “cancer card”)

I wore my prettiest blouse today for my “court appearance”. Ric laughingly suggested I wear a hat or scarf that would give a hint to my bald head. But I wore my favorite wig instead. I didn’t really think any of those would do much good, but what the heck. I’ve been fretting and worrying all week about how much this fine would be. I thought about having worked three remotes last week, tired at the end of the day, and swollen ankles… and figured the extra money I made for all that work, would all go to pay for this stupid ticket.

I went to the wrong courthouse first. (See, I’m not a bad person… I didn’t even know where to go!) Walked into a room with probably 100 people waiting. I couldn’t see where to sign in… so I asked someone who was waiting… then found my way back to a room with only two people ahead of me. Both of those people appeared to be irritating the judge with their explanations of why their charges should be dropped… and I thought… oh no, he’s not going to be a happy man when it’s my turn. A police officer took my ticket, receipt for current vehicle inspection, and my newly renewed vehicle registration, and took them back to the judge. He returned about one minute later, and handed me the receipt and registration, smiled and said “You can go, ma’am… it’s been dismissed.” “I don’t have to explain anything?” I asked. “No, it’s been dismissed.”

Wow, was I a happy girl! That was so easy.

All that worrying for nothing. Sleepless nights for nothing.

Time to Replace

I found the time also today to fill in the information on the Dell computer website, to return my “recalled” battery. When I entered the entire number… the message “no need for replacement” popped up. I thought it was a mistake at first, but on a closer reading, I realized that my battery contained a part number that might be affected… so the entire part number submission indicated whether or not the battery was one involved in the recall.

So another thing that turned out good! (I actually hadn’t been worrying about this one… there is hope for me yet!)

8/22/06 - Fuzz Becomes Hair

Had a check-up with Dr. Cohen today… he confirmed what I already knew… I’m doing fine! Second radiation treatment today… just as easy today, and quicker.

Ric was teasing me today about what he called fuzz balls on top of my head… and I told him it’s not fuzz… it’s hair! Actually, I realized my former peach fuzz IS hair. I expected my hair to come back in like hair does that’s been shaved… stubby and rough. Now I know that this is my new hair… it just started fine… like baby hair. It’s about ¼” long now… and really soft. Ric teases me, “Yeh, but can you brush it, run a comb through it, part it?” No, not yet. When I can though… he’ll be the first to know. And when my hair’s longer than Ric’s again, I’ll point that out as well.

8/21/06 - First Radiation Treatment

My first radiation treatment was today. I didn’t sleep well last night… I tossed and turned and just felt very agitated. I was still a little nervous this morning, even though I tried not to be. Turns out of course that there was no need to be frightened. The treatment was very easy and painless, just as I had been told. The technicians were very friendly and nice… so once again I find myself in good hands at CAMC. My appointments this week are at various times, but starting next week they’ll be early in the morning, before I go to work… which is just what I wanted. So I’ll have a new “morning routine” for the next 6½ weeks. Getting up early will be the most difficult part of the radiation treatments!

RD857

I finally logged onto the Dell website to find out if the battery in my laptop was among those being recalled. I printed out the information including the list of numbers of batteries being recalled and checked it against the number on my battery. Oh my gosh… my number is there! I’ve been using a computer with one of the batteries that could catch on fire!

I’m typing on my flat little friend right now, but with the battery removed and the power cord plugged in. I’ll order a replacement. Sometimes I go for several days in a row without reading the newspaper. Thank goodness I read the newspaper last Tuesday.

8/20/06 - Reaching Out

Ric and Steve played guitar and sang at the Summer Festival in Winfield… presented by the Crossroads Community Church. Ric also had them set up a Susan G. Komen table for me to hand out literature about breast cancer, and Komen merchandise to sell. I don’t like selling things. If my occupation involved sales, I would starve. But it turned out to be okay… people were happy to buy the pink ribbon ballcaps and wristbands knowing that the money supported a good cause. Some people didn’t buy anything, but donated money. Almost everyone mentioned someone they knew who has dealt with breast cancer… mother, sister, cousin, friend… seems everyone, male or female, knows someone who has or has had this disease.

Also, I met many nice people from the church. Their church has been meeting at Winfield High School for years. They have a Building Fund set up to eventually build a church. They want their ministry to be outreach to the community, and they decided not to wait until they had a building to do their ministry. So they keep drawing from the building fund to minister in the community… saying, “Oh well, maybe someday will have a building… maybe not… whatever happens is okay. Buildings create maintenance and expenses. We can do our ministries either way.” A church that’s not dependent on a building… pretty cool.

A Little Anxiety

Radiation treatments begin tomorrow. Even though I’d educated myself about radiation months ago, I’ve been reading more and more this week. There’s some controversy about antioxidant vitamins during radiation treatments, because there is evidence that antioxidants may protect cancer cells during radiation therapy. Dr. Plants says not to use them… and most of what I’ve read agrees. What else will I do to help the treatments be effective? Go back to drinking Boost everyday… the kind with additional protein. Extra protein will be needed for the daily repair of normal cells that are destroyed in the radiation.

I know this will be easy, with very little side effects, if any. I’ve been trying to deny it all week… but I’m a little scared. Although I’ve read a lot, it’s still an unknown experience for me. Fear of the unknown. Just as God was with me in the numerous tests and the waiting for results, in the month of surgeries, and in the months of chemotherapy, God will be with me in the radiation therapy. So there is nothing to fear. This is another step in the healing.

It’ll be cinchy.

“…Those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar
on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and
not be faint.”
--Isaiah 40:30-31

8/17/06 - Just Pretend

Today was the day for the radiation “simulation”… where radiation is set up to match the plan created from the CT scan. It was easy. Had three more tattoos though… this time a spider, a chain, and a teddy bear. Okay, it was three more little dots.

First treatment will be on Monday.

Ric came home from Pittsburgh this evening! Hooray!

8/15/06 - Popular Song

Left work on time today, to go home to finish up the red trim in the living room… I need to paint while there’s still enough daylight coming through the windows to see well. I really want to finish that part before the week is over, and tomorrow I have to work 8-8, and Thursday 8-7 with a doctor appointment in the middle. So this is the day.

Instead…

Just as I was about to turn onto the road that led to home, I saw a State Trooper behind me with the lights on. Could he mean me? Apparently so. I got a ticket for expired registration and expired inspection sticker. I had no idea the registration had expired on 4/1. I guess the renewal didn’t make it to our new address. Someone at work did remind me a couple months ago that my inspection sticker had expired, and I intended to take care of that, but didn’t have time then, and eventually just forgot about it. I begged the officer not to give me a ticket, even telling him that I would take care of it all right away. He said he had no choice, because they were so far out of date. So I put the stupid ticket in my purse, and just sat there a cried a bit. Then I bucked up and decided to just go get things taken care of right then and there.

I went all the way across the city to the DMV to renew the registration, but I didn’t have last year’s receipts for property taxes… and they don’t have a computer system to check it! So I headed back home, but decided to stop and get the inspection taken care of. They couldn’t do the inspection, however, because the registration wasn’t current. Advised me to go to the courthouse a couple blocks away, where they could update the registration and pull up the property tax receipt. After driving around and around in circles trying to find a place to park, I went inside the courthouse. They could not renew the registration, because I didn’t have the renewal FORM that comes in the mail, and said I would have to go to the DMV. They at least were able to give me the property tax receipts, so I didn’t have to go home and get them. However… the last half of 2005 had not been paid yet, so I had to fork out $150 for that. How did that not get paid? I’m very organized and always pay bills on time… but today it’s like I haven’t done anything right. So with tax receipts in hand, I headed back across town, hoping to get to the DMV before they closed, but certainly not driving over the speed limit to get there.

I say this little prayer in my head, “Please God let me get there before they close, because I won’t have any time to do all this for the next two days… and if you really care about me, then you’ll make it happen… never mind, I’m sorry, I know that’s not fair… I need to trust and believe that you care… it’s okay if they’re closed… I won’t blame you, God.”

The DMV is still open! I fill out the paperwork and get the new registration… and am very grateful that this much is done. The place to get the inspection done is open till 7:00, so I still have plenty of time for that. My car passed inspection, but the man who takes care of the paperwork noticed that my insurance card says my car is a 2002 and the registration says 2003. The DMV apparently made a typo, so I have to get that fixed! I’ll give them a call tomorrow.

Nearly three hours later, I’m on the way home. I’m too frustrated to paint now, so that’s out for this week. But when I get back to the spot where the policeman stopped me, the fuel light comes on in my car… I’m nearly out of gas, and won’t have time during the next few days to get gas… so drive a little farther and spend the last of my money for a tank of gas. I feel so defeated.

After getting home, finally, I just sit down to watch mindless entertainment on TV. And voila’… the cable has been shut off! There was a mistake on our bill – cable company’s mistake - about a month ago, and Ric got it all straightened out. But now here we are again, with no cable.

So maybe if I just sit here and don’t move, nothing else will go wrong today.

Oh, I know… it’s just a bad day. None of these things are life-threatening or heart-breaking. Years from now I won’t even remember it.

Now I know why Daniel Powter’s song, “Bad Day” is so popular… and it’s not because it was the exit song for American Idol… it’s because we all have days like this one!

8/14/06 - Girls Gotta Talk

I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group here in Charleston this evening. Not that I felt like I needed support as such… but I did feel the need of the comradery of other women. (Guess that’s support, huh?) There were women there who were breast cancer survivors from 3 days to 20 years! It was a positive and happy group. Proof that life goes on. There were a few whose cancer had returned for a second time… but they’re dealing with it and expecting a complete recovery.

I’m still missing Ric – we call each other all throughout the day. Like teenagers in love. Nothing wrong with that.

8/13/06 - Tattoo Talk

Ric’s vacation officially started today and he went to Pittsburgh to visit his family. I cried. We’re buddies… joined at the hip… best friends. I’m missing him already.

Jill and Daniel and Sophie came down to visit. We had a great time. Jill told me earlier this week that Tierra put a temporary tattoo on Sophie’s arm and since it hadn’t disappeared after several baths, Jill took it off with alcohol… and Sophie had a fit… saying “Where my tattoo?” I told Jill and Daniel to go out and have some time to themselves for a while, and I’d watch Sophie… and maybe take my little 2-year old granddaughter to get a real tattoo and her belly-button pierced! They left anyway… guess they didn’t believe me.

A little later I saw that Sophie had a temp tattoo on her belly. I asked her where she got it. She said, “Tierra.” Then she scrunched up her face and said in a louder, rougher voice as she pointed to her arm, “Mommy! No tattoo!” Me thinks she was still a bit miffed.

My right eye had been bothering me all day. I asked Jill if she could see anything in it, and she said there was a large bump on my eyelid. I took out my contacts (which enables me to see better close-up) and could see the nasty thing. You’d think, with cancer, chemo, and all… I’d get a grace period for a while from other little physical ailments! But no… now there’s another embellishment to the Pillsbury Doughboy look.

Ric and I talked on the phone several times today. I miss him… and would like to see my Pittsburgh family too. But I’m glad he’s having a good time… he works hard, misses his family, and deserves some fun.

8/12/06 - Bubbling Over

I went to V100’s Working Women’s Wednesday at the Power Alley Grill earlier this week. I did one break on the radio with Ric, and then found myself sitting at a table with friends… and forgot all about the radio! I was having such a good time chatting and laughing with the girls. And I was feeling really healthy and energetic too! (Ric told me later he didn’t even want to “bother” me with the radio breaks because I looked so happy.) My friend Sandy just told me over and over how good I looked. I didn’t argue with her, because I felt good! Later, after we left the restaurant, I realized that Sandy and I met after my diagnosis and surgery, and perhaps even after chemo started… so she had never really seen me or known me to be “not sick”! Even on my best days after chemo, I was still somewhat weak, always tired, and sometimes nauseous or in pain… and definitely pale. It’s been almost a month since my last chemo, so I’ve had time to regain some zest and energy!

Running Out

On Friday, Ric and I went to the shopping area in Southridge. We both had errands to run in different directions, so I dropped Ric off and drove his jeep to Kohl’s. Twenty minutes later I headed back to pick him up and the “low coolant” light went on in his car. I picked him up and told him about the light. He drove from there and then more warning lights started to come on. We got out and looked… fluid was just coming out of the radiator in a steady stream. We tried to make it home, but the jeep died before we made it. So… called AAA to come to our rescue and had it towed. Two things Ric kept asking over and over: “Why did this have to happen two days before I leave for Pittsburgh?” and “What did you hit, Jeanne?” (I didn’t hit anything. I could understand why he thought I did. I left with a vehicle that was running perfectly… and came back with a broken one.)

Anyway, turns out the radiator split… who knows why… a part had to be ordered… repairs wouldn’t be completed in time for Ric’s trip. Of course Ric realized then that it was actually good that it happened before his trip rather than during. It’s easier to handle things like this at home.

Running Scared

This morning I heard this odd little squeal beside the chair I was in which I was sitting, reading, in the family room. I looked to the side and saw Dot looking under the chair. Thinking she lost some little toy underneath, I told her I’d get it in a second… waiting till I finished a chapter… or two.

I noticed she kept sitting there, occasionally trying to reach her toy… not giving up. So finally I decided to see what she wanted. I pushed the big leather chair to the side and saw this little gray mouse toy that I didn’t even remember having ever purchased for the cats… because I don’t like mouse toys that look real… AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It moved! It was a real mouse! I screamed so loud I scared the cat away, and the mouse went back under the chair. What do I do? What do I do? I don’t want to kill it. Even though I can’t stand the thought of a mouse in my house… yet I could see that it was too cute to harm.

Ric was at Enterprise making arrangements to rent a car for his trip to Pittsburgh (since his jeep wouldn’t be fixed for several days). I knew he was busy… but I made a frantic call to him anyway. He was silent at first, and then very calmly said, “I’ll have to get back to you on this.” (Later he would tell me he was just incredulous that I would bother him with a teeny tiny little mouse “problem” while he was in the middle of trying to work out car repairs and a car rental and trying to get to work on time and all… but just took a deep breath, and let me know it would be handled later.)

I had just recently talked with Jill about a mouse in her house, so I called her next. Suppressing giggles, she gave me a few options, including just trying to scoot it out the back door with a broom. I was sitting on a kitchen chair, with my bare feet up on it too… off the floor, so I went to the bedroom to get shoes AND socks! But realized I had to get to work too… so I left.

Ric came home later… simply guided the mouse into a shoebox… and dropped him off at the edge of the woods. Ric told me the little guy didn’t want to be in our house anymore than we wanted him there. When he got home, there was a cat on each side of the chair… and the mouse had been trapped there for hours. Now, even though I had been totally creeped out earlier, I was feeling sad and sorry for the little tiny gray ball of fur… with the beady eyes and sharp pointed little tail.

8/7/06 - The Top of My Head

Monday morning and back to work. Although I’m feeling really good, I still have swollen ankles. I can’t figure out what’s causing this. I’ll make a call to the doctor’s office tomorrow and see if it’s anything to be concerned about. I also need to ask about the port… seems like I heard or read that after chemo’s over, it needs to be flushed once a month.

I painted this evening in the living room. Even though the AC is turned down, my head still gets hot when I work (physical labor). So I took off my hat. The front door was open to let more light in and curtains are down from the big windows. After a while I wondered if any of the neighbors or passersby saw my bald head. Oh well. I realized I didn’t really care. A girl should be able to be bald in her own house.

The peach fuzz on my head is getting longer… maybe it’s not fuzz… but hair! It’s so odd. I still can’t even tell what color it is… it’s very thin and fine. It looks kinda curly, but when I put lotion on my head (as I always do because it itches if I don’t) the hair stands straight up! It’s hilarious.

Purpose

I received in an e-mail recently from my “breast cancer friend in Pawley’s Island,” Pam… which contained this wonderful passage that I want to remember. It’s from the book Victorious Christian Living by Alan Redpath, sharing his insight on God’s master plan for our lives:

“There is nothing—no circumstance, no trouble, no testing—that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment; but as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.”

8/5/06 - Am I Conscious?

Somehow I set my clock ahead one hour again. I don’t know how or why! I got up for work an hour earlier than I needed to… and I could have used the extra hour of sleep. I woke up during the night, because my left arm was hurting. I stretched, rolled from side to side, still aching. I put my arm up in the air, and then I opened my eyes. Through the moonlight I could see that it was swollen. Oh no! One of my fears – the onset of lymphedema! I turned on the lights, looked closely and compared it with my other arm. Yes… definitely swollen. What did I do to cause this? I didn’t lift anything heavy at the remote. I do remember twisting a straining just a bit with the tent. Could something that small have caused it? What do I do now? Dr. Plants said if swelling occurred, to take care of it asap, otherwise it usually becomes a chronic condition. I didn’t know what to do in the middle of the night except to prop my arm on a pillow, and keep it raised above heart level. If swelling not gone by morning, then I will call the doctor. Turned out it was gone by morning. Now I’m wondering… did that rally happen or did I dream it? No, I remember getting up and walking into the bathroom to make sure it was really swollen. Or was that part of a dream too?

At work today, I saw an ant in the studio. Now my mind is definitely playing tricks on me. As areas of numbness in my toes and feet are beginning to recover, I feel tingling sensations from time to time… but now I’m looking quickly to see if it’s ants crawling on me! No it’s not of course. But it’s a yucky feeling!

Ric and I went out for dinner, and for the first time since chemo began, I had shrimp… and salad too… delicious! Oh, and dessert! Now if I start to wonder whether this was real or not… I can find out by just getting on the scales tomorrow.

8/4/06 - Work and Play

Good day at work… energy is returning. Had a remote broadcast after work. It was very hot outside, with high humidity. My ankles swelled. However, I wasn’t any more tired than anyone else dealing with the heat. I wore a wig to the remote, because the bangs cover my eyebrows, or rather the place where my eyebrows used to be. But never again, when I’m going to be working outside. The wig was just entirely too hot, and unbearably itchy. Next time I’m working outside in the heat… it’ll be a hat ‘n scarf. With no hair, eyelashes or eyebrows… yep, the Pillsbury Dough Boy look!

Sometimes I worry about not looking my best for public appearances, but Ric said, “Heck girl, you went public with your breast cancer… now don’t go out and try to hide what you’ve been through. Everybody understands. Besides you still look beautiful.” Ah, he knows all the right words.

Ric asked me if I wanted to go to see the movie, “Talladaga Nights, the Ballad of Ricky-Bobby.” I thought the funniest thing about the movie would be the title, but I was wrong. I laughed my head off. It was dumb comedy, I guess… but I got completely caught up in it. I was still laughing on the way home.

8/3/06 - Pedicures, Peaches and Stuff

It’s been a good three days. Although I still get tired towards the end of the day, I’m feeling better and better every day. I realize that it takes a while to recover from chemo, so I understand the fatigue. Today, several of us from the radio station went to Stonewall Resort for a seminar. The traveling to and from was especially fun… we laughed a lot. The seminar was good, there was lots of good food, and Stonewall is just beautiful… so it was a different kind of workday… and I rather enjoyed it. Also, I realized how very far I’ve come physically… to be able to make the trip and be in the seminar all day. We did have numerous breaks, however, which made it a lot easier on my legs. I’ve had minimal pain anyway… not even enough to take any medication. Soon it will be gone altogether.

Last night Dot saw a moth in the window, and jumped from the floor, to me, to the window… and punctured four holes in my leg and arm with her claws. I was bleeding and had to use peroxide and antibacterial ointment and bandaids. She’s such a dumb cat. Mokie would never do that… she would have walked around to the window or jumped on the back of the chair. I was so mad at Dot. Yes, the same sweet little cat who would cuddle up to me during some of my most difficult chemo days. She just now jumped on the arm of the chair, put her little paws on my “injured” arm and looked in my eyes as if to say she’s sorry she’s so dumb. I’d already forgiven her anyway.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of a pedicure at Tracy’s Beauty Cottage… a gift from Mary. Oh, it was heavenly. Chemo was so hard on my skin, very drying. My feet took a hit, with a lot of rough spots, plus most of the pain stayed the longest in my feet and ankles. The massage was wonderful, and all the rough spots were smoothed away… and I left the salon feeling very good. A really nice treat.

Working Women’s Wednesday yesterday was good too. For the first time I stayed till it was over, and Ric and I had dinner together. Normal! It’s coming back! (I still don’t know what normal is… none of us really are!) I’m just noticing that my health is returning… and I’m glad about it! (Still no hair… just the fine, light peach fuzz.)

Got some West Virginia White Peaches at the Purple Onion at the Capitol Market. They’re so sweet and juicy and delicious. Alan said they’re even good grilled… with peppers and onions… served with chicken and rice. I mentioned that to Ric… he agreed. But I don’t smell it cooking yet.

7/31/06 - Radiation Step 2

Had a CAT scan today to prepare for radiation therapy. Ooooh, it was cold in the room, but warm friendly technicians. An IV was inserted for contrast solution to be injected. The doctor came in and marked the area on my chest to be scanned with a very fancy, hi-tech pen…a “Sharpie”. Next I had to put both arms over my head and hold onto a bar… and remain that way, without moving, throughout the scan, and for a short time afterwards. Just before the scan, the nurse told me that when the contrast fluid would be injected, I might be able to taste it in my throat, and I might feel warmth in my bladder. Yep… tasted it in my throat first, then the “warmth” in the bladder – what a shock! It felt warm all right, but also wet. I thought, oh no, what if it really is? I couldn’t stop the feeling. I had visions of calling Ric at work and telling him to stop whatever he was doing and bring me fresh clothes. Soon the scan was over and the “warm” feeling was starting to go away. And it turns out it was, in fact, warmth only. Whew! After the scan one of the nurses gave me three tattoos… one was a heart, one was a rose, and the other a snake. Okay, not really. Three teeny, tiny little dots. (The tattoo dots are placed to make certain the area to be radiated is lined up in the same position as the plan mapped out from the CAT scan.) Then the other nurse took pictures from each side. The IV then came out. Was told to drink lots and lots of water for the next 48 hours to get the contrast fluid out of my body. I’ll be called in about a week, after the radiation plan is mapped out.

It Strikes Again

Found out that a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, and is facing a possible mastectomy. Just before calling her, I thought, “What will I say? What can I say other than ‘I’m so sorry’?” You’d think since I’ve been through my own ordeal with breast cancer I’d be ready with wonderful words of wisdom. Yet I still worried about what to say. I decided not to think, and just call.

Turned out, of course, that I didn’t have to offer words of wisdom. I just needed to be with her, answer questions (what I could), and share my experience. And tell her I’m there for her. That’s all. (If the intentions are right, if there is love and caring, God supplies the words.)

Jennifer is 10 years younger than me. I’m amazed at the courage she already displays. August 11 is her surgery. She already knows it’s cancer. (I didn’t know for sure until after the lumpectomy.) I don’t know which is more difficult… not knowing, or knowing. I suppose neither is worse, just a different kind of anxiety. In any case, God is already there!

7/30/06 - Saturday

Painted in the living room today. Tired quickly. Took a shower and rested. Ran some errands. Came back home and painted some more… got a lot done this time. Sometimes I tire so easily and suddenly, and sometimes I have lots of energy. All in the same day.

We saw a friend this evening, who had unexpectedly lost a job where she had worked for over 20 years. Such a heartbreak. Sudden and abrupt changes are so traumatic. So difficult for us to understand. And it’s hard to believe “when one door closes, another one opens.” My friend knows in her heart that this is true, but is still hurting and in shock. She knows God is with her, even and especially through this pain. Her family and friends are with her too… and lots of prayers.

Sunday

Went to church this morning. Always park in the back parking lot, and there’s a long hallway to the front to enter the sanctuary. I found myself walking briskly down that hallway and realized it was the first time in months that I was walking like my old self. It felt great!

Ran some errands in the afternoon. The heat made me tired. So, I still haven’t regained all my energy… but it’s coming!

I changed into old clothes to paint, but that’s as far as I got. Spent the rest of the day being lazy, reading, and brushing the cats.

7/28/06 - Vacation Day 4

It’s Friday already… the last day of vacation together. I’m going to miss my little girls. Still have most of the day though… so let’s enjoy!

I fixed breakfast, then brunch… then we went out to lunch – Tierra and Sophie were hungry today! After lunch we went back to B-A-M… they love going there. Tierra pretends like she’s the mom dropping Sophie off at daycare… and I’m the babysitter. (Not to be conceited, but my daycare has more books than any other, and a nice selection of educational toys too.) Next we had to make a trip to Target… for pajamas and an outfit for each of my girls. Then sunglasses on all and back up I-77 to Vienna to see mom and dad.

Daniel and Jill are making a video of the family and the area to send to his mom in Mexico. When they put the camera on me it was like I forgot every word I’d learned in Spanish. Then I couldn’t even think of what to say in English. So I just told Daniel what I would like to say to her, and he translated.

Soon it was time to leave. I almost cried when I left the girls, but tried not to. I got stuck in traffic on the interstate on the way home. After about two hours of not moving, I looked behind me where they had been in their car seats the past few days, and did start to cry. Of course, it would not have been good to have been stuck in traffic with two little kids… especially since it ended up being over 3 hours altogether.

As to the accident on I-77, traffic was shut down in both directions. I had been stopped for about 15 minutes thinking I was going to miss the Lighthouse Café at our church, where Ric was singing… when I realized I was only being inconvenienced, and my life would not change because of this… but someone may have died in the accident that had shut down the interstate. The lives of their family would be forever changed. With Tierra and Sophie, I had witnessed spontaneous kindness and generosity between them… and watched them do the right thing without even thinking. But it took me 15 minutes to even think to do the right thing – which was to pray for the accident victims and their families. That’s why Jesus said we were to be like little children!

When I got home I kept seeing little signs of Tierra and Sophie, which made me miss them so much… a little piece of paper with Tierra’s handwriting, Sophie’s little stool in front of the bathroom sink, three pillows lined up on the bed, the little blue octopus we used to give each other massages… I love them so much. I didn’t think I would get this time with them because of chemo, radiation and all, so I’m really grateful that we had these few days together… it was a gift!

7/27/06 - Vacation Day 3

This would have been a chemo day… had I not finished two weeks ago! This was the day for me to really feel like I was finished with the treatments. I had a little celebration in my head. The worst of the side effects are over now… and I can expect to feel better and better each day.

We went to the Huntington Mall today. Tierra had won a gift certificate for Borders from school for accelerated reading… so we went to spend it! Ate lunch at McDonalds. It was a newly remodeled McDonalds… partitioned off in little private sections. An older gentleman came over to exclaim over my beautiful granddaughters… and also said that he didn’t like the new McDonalds – you couldn’t look around and see who was there! I realized once again that many people come to public places not so much to get something to eat, as to mingle and chat with other folks.

We went to a toy store before we left… Tierra got a cute little baby doll, with all the fixings… clothes, little bed and pillow, bottle, etc.

Stopped at Kroger on the way home for more milk… I had underestimated the amount of milk required for two growing little girls.

We came home and just had “family time”… playing with toys, talking, laughing, singing and dancing, snacking, trying to catch the cats (who by the way have been making themselves very scarce)… just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.

I became really tired this evening though… realized my physical self was still not what it used to be. I really appreciated Tierra’s help with Sophie… she’s so caring with her. It’s really remarkable how well they get along.

Eventually we went to bed, massaged and giggled ourselves into relaxation… lights out… quiet… then…

“♪♫D-O-R-O-T-H-Y
Doro-thy the Dino-saur♪♫”

I laughed and then said to Tierra, “I thought we turned that off.” She said, “I turned it back on so we could have some more family time.”

7/26/06 - Vacation Day 2

I made breakfast for the girls… took it in to the table by the window. Sophie was ready… wearing nightgown, sandals and sunglasses! After breakfast, the girls put on a kid’s music and dance video. They were singing and dancing to “Blue Suede Shoes”… Papa Ric came into the room and starting singing along. Tierra’s eyes and mouth grew bigger and bigger as he finished the song… I think she was quite surprised that he knew all the words to this new song made just for kids in 2006!

We went to the Clay Center to see Dorothy the Dinosaur. It was fun. V100 had a Milk & Cookies gathering after the performance. Tierra saved her appetite for Taco Bell. But not Sophie… before I realized it she had eaten three cookies. She was then just a little hyper. We all worked off some energy at the Gizmo Factory in the Clay Center. Unfortunately for me, I had less energy to spare than the girls.

We came back home and watched the Care Bear movie, and Tierra and Sophie danced to some more videos. I love watching them sing and dance!

In the evening Sophie showed her little toy from the Clay Center to Papa. It was a flashlight-type toy, with little lights inside of different colors that would spin around and light up when you pushed a button. Papa put the light under his chin and made scary sounds, which sent both girls screaming and giggling, hiding their heads under pillows on the sofa. Then we turned out all the lights so that it became even scarier! More screaming and squealing. I eventually left them to their fun and went downstairs to finish up some laundry. When I came out of the laundry room door, hands were up in the air at my face and a mean ole lady scared me! I screamed! She laughed out loud! The “mean ole lady” was my sweet little Tierra! She said, “It wasn’t my fault… Papa made me do it!”

We all calmed down… just a bit… and went to bed. Sophie took her little Dorothy the Dinosaur to bed. After our massages, Sophie put Dorothy under her belly, lights were turned out, and we began to drift off to sleep. Sophie would make little moves in her sleep that would accidentally push the button that made Dorothy sing. I tried not to laugh, and I could her muffled little laughs from Tierra. We eventually just giggled out loud, and then Tierra found the button to turn off Dorothy for the night.

7/25/06 - Vacation Day 1

Appointment with Dr. Covelli – everything A-OK. When radiation over, and he gets the okay from the oncologist, the port in my chest will be removed.

After the appointment, Jill, Tierra, Sophie and I had lunch at Applebee’s. Tierra sounded so grown-up in the way she joined in the conversation. And she’s only seven! After lunch it was just Grandma and granddaughters.

Tierra brought several DVD’s… and she and Sophie danced to children’s music. It was so cute.

We went to the bookstore in the evening. Tierra loves to read and is such a good reader… above her grade level. Sophie kept bringing me things… books (especially ones that also had little buttons with sound effects), puppets, and toys.

I made dinner for the girls… macaroni and tuna with cheese… okay… it was Tuna Helper. But they ate almost the entire thing!

The three of us slept in our queen-size bed… big pillows for Tierra and I and a little one for Sophie. It has been a tradition with Tierra and I to give each other back massages with the “Blue Octopus” (a gift from Jill a few Christmases ago) before we go to sleep. So Sophie received her first relaxing, rejuvenating, pampering massage… and Tierra and I received our giggling massage from Sophie.

Believe it or not, we actually do fall asleep fairly quickly after all that!

7/24/06 - Radiation - First Step

Met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Plants, today. Really nice person. He spent a long time informing me of how things work, how it will go, what to expect.

Like other women have told me, side effects will be nothing like chemo. The two most common are redness and possible light irritation to the treated skin, much like a sunburn… and fatigue. Radiation is to begin 4-6 weeks after the last chemo (rather than 3 weeks)… the body needs time to recover from the chemo treatments.

There will be 33 treatments after all the “pre-work” is done. Next Monday will be a CT scan – from that the doctor will plan how to direct the radiation. It takes about a week to map out the plan. Then there will be a simulation to further plan the radiation therapy so that the target area is precisely located and marked. When that’s done, the radiation treatments begin… five days a week for 6 weeks.

Radiation works by targeting any possible cancer cells/tumors that can’t be seen. It also, in the process, kills normal cells… but since those cells are healthy, they will repair themselves daily! Any abnormal/cancer cells cannot repair themselves. (The body uses a lot of energy to repair the normal cells… thus, the fatigue.)

When radiation treatments are finished, all the side effects should disappear in about a month. From then on, I can start getting back in shape and back to “normal”… kinda… there will be many follow-up appointments, mammograms, etc.

Check-up with Dr. Covelli (surgeon) tomorrow… then I’m really on vacation!

7/23/06b - What's Really Important?

It’s late. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about the scene at the bookstore. That little family… who should have been talking, laughing, enjoying each other… but were farther apart than strangers. What was I supposed to learn from them… from my anger and outrage at observing them? I know God will reveal what he wants me to know… just as soon as I’m ready to open my mind, and let him come in. But I think I’m afraid to know. I want to wait till tomorrow, or the next day… but I can’t sleep now… I think he’s telling me there’s no need to wait. No need to be scared, because I’m his child… and he loves me… and wants me to be happy! Okay, God I’m ready to listen.

There are so many things in my life that are not perfect, and things that make me angry… things over which I have no control, and can do nothing about. And I like to be in control… or not so much in control, but to feel secure.

So, I look for a place to put my anger. Sometimes at the “jerk” who cut in front of me in traffic. And sometimes at the loving person closest to me… like my husband.

Sometimes it’s not even really anger… it’s sadness or regret… or worry over things I cannot change. It ends up making me feel uneasy… and sometimes turns into anger.

When we look for something, we find it! So I find some little thing to be angry about. Let it simmer. And soon I’ve assumed enough about the situation to make a complete scenario to fully justify the anger. And sometimes it’s not a little thing… but something that really does seem to justify anger… but I only see it from my point of view.

All that really matters in our lives are our relationships. Financial troubles and material things come and go. Of course material things that we treasure, are treasured because of the memory they prompt us to recall… of a relationship. (The beautifully finished wooden box that sits on my piano that Danny made for me when he was in high school… the sock snowman that I get out every Christmas that Jill made when she was little… the “birthday rock” my Mom and Dad gave me one year… the dried roses in a vase from the first bouquet Ric gave to me, and ticket stubs from an event we enjoyed together… all bring back memories of another time… time spent with people I love.)

That’s it! What we most want to do is share our love, our recollections, our hopes for the future… laugh together… and keep making new memories and special moments… instead of worrying about things we can’t change. We can only do the best we can with those things, and take them a step at a time. Otherwise we waste precious hours, months, or years. Why not spend our days finding ways to preserve important relationships?

PRESERVE OUR RELATIONSHIPS. Don’t look for more reasons to be angry… instead take the time to see things differently. Differently… from another perspective. Find a reason to understand… and keep loving. Relationships… that’s all we need… all that matters. Preserve them at all costs.

It may not always be easy to know how to do that, but it may help to remember the bookstore café scene… and think… where am I in this particular situation? Am I being the selfish son, the indifferent daughter-in-law, the old lady who feels broken and disillusioned? How can I be the compassionate nurse?

God, help me to always recognize a relationship that is worth saving, worth rising above my selfish pride, worth taking the time to nurture. Guide me to reach beyond my feelings of helplessness and make changes in myself that make me more loving and give me peace of mind. Remind me that there’s always another perspective from which to see things. Make me less self centered and more ready to find what I can do to befriend or to be kind to someone today. Let me not forget that we all suffer when we quit caring.

7/23/06a - Angels

Ric and I went to lunch and then to the bookstore in Huntington Mall this afternoon. Had a good time. Laughed, as we recalled how on Friday night our good friend Matt did impersonations of each of us in our “DJ mode.” Hilarious! (And eye-opening!) I laughed till my side hurt!

As we were reading, I noticed a man about our age, coming into the café with an elderly lady, who was walking with a cane. No doubt a son on an outing with his mother. How nice! She sat down at the table and he left to get them something to drink. I continued reading… then noticed some time later that she was still sitting at the table… alone. Looked at the café register, but didn’t see the man who came with her. I looked back at her and noticed that, like me, she had no eye lashes. I felt bad knowing that it was because of old age that she had none… and even worse when I realized how sad her eyes themselves were. There she sat, alone, just staring. I wondered where her son had gone, and just then he came back. Not with drinks in each hand for the two of them… but with a bag of books and magazines for him. He sat down at the table, pulled a magazine out of the bag, turned his chair to the side, opened up and starting reading. There was no conversation. His mother looked at him, eyes hopeful for a minute, then just simply sad again. She stared again… in a new direction. I started to feel anger. He’s probably thinking he’s treating his mom to a nice day, and oh by the way, picking up a few books he’s been wanting. How convenient.

Yes, I was staring too… at them. I prayed also. What should I do, God? Should I go talk to her, offer to get her something to drink? No, I’m not to interfere or intervene.

I prayed the man would talk to her, look her way… it was only across the table.

Soon a lady showed up. The daughter-in-law? She looks nice. Oh, good… someone who will talk to her. And she did… just a few words, then looked to the man. The young woman pulled the chair that was next to the older woman, around to the side of the table next to her husband… and sat next to him. She showed him a picture in a magazine and made hand gestures that indicated “this is how we could do the drapes in our living room…” (By now I was thinking she might have even said, “…in the house after Mother dies.”) The young woman left and the man went back to his magazine. And the older lady resumed staring here and there, occasionally at her son across the table, yearning for a word, or just a glance from him. But nothing.

Even though her eyes were sad, they weren’t empty. I could see life in her. She’s just waiting to laugh, recall a fond memory, re-live a great time from her past. Why can’t I go over there and ask her about her life? It’s not me she wants.

The young woman comes back, reaches a hand out to “Mom,” who picks up her cane with the other hand. The young women nods to the man… and without one word, they all walk out together.

My mind is racing with anger. Will the couple retire for the night and say… “It was good to get Mom out for the day. I hope she appreciates that we gave up our entire day so that she could have a good time. I don’t think she does though. And why did your mother talk on the way home about that ‘sweet little Sarah’? She’s just a nurse for heaven’s sake. We’re her family!”

I’m manufacturing the thoughts and words among the three people. I don’t really know either the relationships between them or the thoughts and feelings any of them had. But the SCENE was played out before me. That was real. Was it played out for me? For what reason?

The obvious reason would be to remember the outrage I felt about what just happened, and never to do it myself… or to tell others what I saw, so they too could be outraged with me. But that’s not it.

There’s something God is giving me an opportunity to realize about my life. Am I the “son”? The “daughter-in-law”? The “old woman”? Or all three in some way?

Dear God… I pray tonight that you reveal to me what it is you want me to know. I already know I’m all three… I’m the son who wants to do the right things in life, but not invest too much time from my busy life. I’m the daughter-in-law who sees someone who needs attention, but says “it’s not my responsibility.” I’m the old woman who sometimes feels alone and worries about mistakes I’ve made that have affected adversely the people I love. I’m even, sometimes, the unseen nurse, who does do the right thing and takes responsibility and doesn’t need any affirmation for it. I’m capable of good… and evil. But I sense there’s more… a very specific lesson… tailored for me… and maybe it’s the thing that troubles me most, but yet unwilling or too afraid to change. Ric said You will not want me to rack my brain or even struggle to figure it out… but that if I only ask You… You will reveal it to me. And he reminds me that Jesus has told us to fully expect that you will answer. So… I’m asking, God… what are you telling me? I know that I’m your child… you love me the way I love my children… and whatever you’re offering me now, is something that’s good for me. What is it that I need to face? What is it I need to let go of? (I’m afraid and I’m struggling… just what you don’t want to be or to do.) And I know that when I get still and quiet… and start looking… you’ll give me the answer. Okay, I’m ready. And I’ll thank You now, because I believe You are good.