Met with Ric, Rick Johnson and Mike Buxser at work this morning to discuss when to go public on the air about my situation. I was going to do it today, but was convinced to wait until after appointment tomorrow and surgery on Wednesday – both to be emotionally ready and Mike thought I should have the opportunity to back out. Told him NO… I would not back out, no matter how difficult going public could be. It is my desire to impress upon other women the need to have breast exams and mammograms. I will rely on my support people (first of all Ric) to help me thru any tough parts. However difficult it might be, it will be worth it!
MMM – Part 2
Received confirmation my decision to “tell all” is worth it: Two of my co-workers said their wives had already made appointments for mammograms after hearing “the news” about me. One has had numerous benign lumps, found something else, had thought it was probably more of the same, but will now have it checked. The other skipped her mammogram last year, but making appointment for it this morning! So… already two… more will follow… I have to tell!
Cards, Candy & Caring
Lots of support from co-workers today. I must be on the prayer list of dozens of churches in town!
Waiting
Doctor appointment tomorrow morning – he’ll go over full pathology reports with us. Guess I’ll know then pretty much what I’m dealing with. Still have the lymph node surgery on Wednesday though… seems like I can’t know full story till then. More waiting. Will the waiting be better than the knowing?
Right & Left
I remember feeling times the past few days of being glad the problem is on my left side rather than the right. I have the pain and discomfort from the surgery on the left, and I’m right-handed, so at least I’m not much impaired. Funny, how the things I’m grateful for keep changing!
Hope for the Worst?
It’s after midnight. I can’t sleep. So many things going thru my mind…
Tomorrow I find out the extent of my cancer. I hope that is was confined to the lump that was removed. Then I can deal with radiation and/or chemo and look forward to recovery. Yet the weirdest thoughts haunt me. If I’m called to really make a difference in the lives of other women by going public about my cancer, won’t I be more effective if I have to deal with more invasive cancer, that requires more drastic measures to treat? How much am I willing to sacrifice to increase awareness and motivate women to properly care for and look out for themselves? Am I willing to lose a breast, or both? Does God really want me to be that brave? It seems a lot to ask. And yet I can’t ask “Why me?”… I KNOW Why Me. Why not me?!?! I don’t wish it were somebody else instead of me. I realize I might be the chosen one to do this. I’m the one in a public job with the ability to reach so many people. Oh boy… that’s not the way I would have wished to be called chosen. It’s so so scary, yet I know if that’s my calling, I’ll also be cared for by God, Ric, family and friends in countless ways. The saddest part would be for Ric and my children to have to see me suffer. Now why does that have to occur? Why them?
Cancer the Gift
Debbie told me I will see cancer as the greatest gift of my life. I’ve since read that in some books, too.
Already I see the necessity to eliminate stress in my life… identify the causes of stress… and make changes. I see the need to identify areas of heartache in my life… and take steps to make changes to create more peace. I see the need to take care of myself physically – regular exams, eat right, take the time to exercise, time to paint, play the piano and guitar, time to just be quiet and be with God! Time.
Scared Straight
I remember the eye problem that caused me to call a doctor in the first place. Ric insisted I call the next day and said he would hound me constantly until I did. I put it off and he kept his “promise.” I made the appointment.
Never had the eye problem again. However my doctor ordered some routine tests, including a mammogram. That, of course, led to the discovery of my breast cancer. Ric literally saved my life!
I had to be scared into doing the right thing. Now I have to scare others into doing the right thing.
Hair
Still can’t sleep. It’s after 1:00 am now. Lymph nodes are going to be removed on Wednesday. How long before I can shave under my arm again?
I should have gotten my hair cut before Wednesday. Curly hair is not bed-friendly. It’ll be flat in the back and puffy on the sides.
If I have to have chemo and lose my hair, I won’t have to shave under my arms, or my legs, and I’m going to get a wig with straight hair!!!
There’s some cat hair on my quilt.
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