Sunday

5/27/12 - The Power of Many


My cancer journey has been made easier by the power of many... my family, church family, friends, co-workers, doctors, nurses, technicians, medical staff of all kinds, facebook friends, and even strangers!  In fact, the journey has not only been made easier, it’s been enriched!  The power of many. 

When people join together, it’s incredible what can happen.  I’m so excited that so many have already joined together to build a new CAMC cancer center in Charleston to serve our state. 

Having used the services of David Lee Cancer Center during most of 2006 and again in 2012, I have experienced the excellent care available right here in West Virginia!  We have a superb team of oncologists, nurses, and technicians here, who are highly skilled and knowledgeable in treating cancer.  Plus... they are caring, kind and sensitive to all needs of patients, both physical and emotional. I’ve been impressed and delighted with how the medical staff balances professionalism with caring and a good sense of humor.  I’ve always been provided with the information I need to stay informed about the treatments I was receiving.  And when I had questions, I was always assured that no question was too silly.  I like that.  The only improvement I can see that is needed concerning our medical providers, is to have more of them!

I have noticed a major difference in the available space for treatment since first being treated for breast cancer in 2006.  Things seemed to be a little crowded in 2006, although I never heard complaints from the staff.  But now in 2012, I can see things are even tighter! The chemo unit has been added onto since I was last there, but nevertheless, space is at a premium.  It’s obvious to me that many more people are being treated for cancer in our area, than there were six years ago. 

It’s a scary experience walking into a cancer center for your first chemotherapy treatment.  The nurses and technicians were quick to put me at ease... but I didn’t get that resolution until I was in the chair and being attended to. First I had to navigate what’s become a maze of chairs in the waiting room, and then sit among the crowd in a fairly “clinical looking” space.  Why shouldn’t a cancer center be so inviting that one almost looks forward to going for their treatment?  I would love for future patients to be able to walk in to a serene, peaceful and beautiful space.  It would be nice if the healing could start the moment one walks through the door! 

I’m okay with going to chemo treatments by myself, because I like to read (and sometimes sleep), but my husband likes to come with me sometimes.  He went with me to my first treatment, but after that I told him not to bother.  Except for a few larger rooms, the others are small rooms and the visitor’s chair is part-way in the room and partially in the hallway.  The newest spaces are cubicles, so the person who comes with the patient is just in the middle of the walk area. This is all sad because most people like or absolutely need someone to be with them during chemo.  Another even more significant problem in the new cubicle area is that there is no privacy for the patients.

In the radiology department, we prepare for our treatment in tiny little dressing rooms, at least one of which is also used as a storage area.  Then we wait for a bit in a little cove in the hallway for our treatment.  Another visible need for more space.

I’m sure what I’ve noticed is only the tip of the iceberg.  The extraordinary people who work at DLCC everyday surely must deal with innumerable obstacles due to the lack of space.  With no additional room to expand at the current location and the anticipation of even more need for treatment, there is neither room for more patients or more doctors. 

The most important part of healing are the treatments themselves... but what a blessing it would be if other services were available in the new cancer center.  Many women fear losing their hair during chemo treatments and do not know where to go to purchase wigs or scarves.  Wouldn’t it be fun (and why can’t one have some fun while being treated for cancer?) to have a wig shop in the cancer center?  We’d feel so comfortable being among others facing the same obstacles.  Wigs, scarves, caps and hats... plenty available to try on and see what we could wear for the next several months or year.

It would also be terrific to have someone available to do make-up consultation for women as well.  Once my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes are gone... and my face is swollen from medications... I call myself the Pillsbury Doughboy!  Sometimes it’s okay, and sometimes I’d rather look like ME.  I think I’ve figured out how to do eye make-up, but it’s difficult to do.  Some days it’s because I don’t want to look sick and some days it’s just pure vanity... but whatever it is, I think a woman dealing with cancer, and so many unwanted changes happening to her body, deserves to feel good about herself.

Because of the way I entered DLCC from the parking lot, I did not realize for a long time that there was a pharmacy on site.  There are always a number of prescriptions to be filled before and after a chemo treatment, so being able to just walk by the pharmacy on my out saved me a trip to another location later.  Nice timesaver... and timesavers are also stress-relievers!

Parking.  What can I say nice about parking?  There IS parking available!  However, it gets very expensive when you spend a lot of time going to the cancer center for doctor appointments, blood work, chemo treatment, follow-up injections, etc.  More expenses?  A stress-inducer!  The relief?  FREE PARKING!  I’m definitely in favor of free parking for the cancer center.  It’s not like a person visits the cancer center a few times a year.  It’s several times a week or month and may last as long as a year or more.

What I’m most grateful for about having been treated by DLCC is that I’ve been able to remain in Charleston!  There is definitely a need for us to come together and support the creation of a new cancer center that can adequately accommodate the needs of cancer patients, now and into the future... so that everyone has the opportunity to make the choice to stay here!

  • During the course of my cancer treatments, I’ve been able to stay at home... my home.  I didn’t have to move to another state for the duration of the treatment. 
  • Because I remained at home, I had the continued support of family and friends close by.  And my pets!  :-)
  • Staying at home meant there were no additional expenses regarding travel, lodging or loss of work.
  • I continued to work.  With a day off for the chemo treatment and a day off after to somewhat recover, I worked everyday.  Even though I was dealing with side effects from the chemo, my life continued pretty much as usual. 
  • I think it’s really important to keep as much of our daily lives as normal as possible.  I know others who’ve had to travel for serious illnesses and it puts an incredible strain, both emotionally and economically, on the patient and the entire family. 
  • It’s very conducive to healing to remain at or close to home!
Some of the things I hope to see in the new cancer center may seem frivolous at first thought, but if you yourself or someone you love has had cancer, then you know without a doubt that all these things I’ve mentioned aid in the recovery and healing.  There’s power in the little things.  

West Virginia people deserve a top-notch cancer treatment center right here in our state.  And West Virginians deserve the most advanced treatments and technology available anywhere!  Many people in the CAMC Foundation are working hard to make sure we provide adequate health care and growth in our region’s cancer treatment.  Much support has already come from individuals, businesses, foundations and others in our area.  All of us are invited to become a part of this new cancer center that will benefit friends and loved ones today... and tomorrow.  It’s all happening because The Power of Many makes things happen!

For more information about the future CAMC Cancer Center, how you can become a donor or become involved, Click Here!

4/21/12 - Jenny... our Foster Child... I mean Dog

On the way to work yesterday, I told Ric, "Remember the day we brought Bodhi home?  It was pouring down the rain then too."  Ric shook his head and grinned at me saying, "You're something else."  Okay, so Jenny is going to be a dog we foster.  We're not adopting her.  (Shhhh... yet!)  I was eager to pick up Jenny from the animal shelter.  Two short visits and I knew I was falling in love with her.  Today we take her to our home and see how she and Bodhi get along when they're really together.

I took Bodhi with me to the shelter so he could be in on this every step of the way.  When we pulled up to the shelter and parked, Bodhi let out this little whimper and turned in his harness ready to get out of the car.  Was he thinking "Oh dang, not this place again." or "Oh boy, I get to see Jenny again!"?  I was hoping it was the latter.  I unhooked him, let him out of the car, and he went straight for the door to the shelter.  When the young man brought out "E-4" Bodhi walked to meet her and they sniffed each other again like long lost friends!  I had a good feeling.  The young man (wish I had gotten his name) said, "She's a really sweet dog.  Really sweet.  Hope it works out for her."  I said, "You're going to miss her aren't you?"  He replied, "No, ma'am.  I don't miss any of the animals that leave here.  'Cause I know they're getting the good home they deserve."  

We walked around in the rain a little bit so that Jenny could "do her business" and then got into the car.  Bodhi looked a little perplexed at Jenny being in the backseat with him, and again I wondered what he was thinking.  When we got home, I did not take them inside right away.  First I took them both for a long walk.  Jenny continued to pull on the leash really, really, really hard.  I can't believe the strength of such a small dog.  A lot of dogs at the shelter will do that, because they soooooo love being outside of their kennel and getting a chance to exercise.  But I can tell Jenny has not had any experience being on a leash other than at the shelter.  After walking for a while, Jenny grew tired and walked without pulling, except upon sighting an occasional squirrel.  She and Bodhi then walked side-by-side for the most part.  By the time we arrived back at the house, I could sense that Bodhi pretty much expected her to go inside too.  Mission accomplished.

When Jenny came inside the house, she just went crazy!  A good kind of crazy!  It was like... "This is a lot of space. What's in here? What's in there? Do I get all this AND food? Carpet! Ya gotta be kidding!"  (I amaze myself at how well I can read dogs' minds.)  And then she and Bodhi started playing.  At first I wasn't quite sure if it was playing or fighting.  Bodhi was uttering a soft growl, but it looked like they were wrestling, and Bodhi did not appear to be trying to hurt Jenny.  It occurred to me that he may have been telling her she was welcome to stay, but he was leader of the pack.  They took a water break... both of them taking a drink, and then both had their heads in the water bowl at the same time!  After that, no more growling, just pure play and sheer joy.  Bodhi has never been one to want to play much.  He ignores his toys, and won't retrieve a ball or anything we throw.  But now it looked like they were both in heaven.  Our house is laid out so that they are able to run around a circle and chase each other, and the living room provides plenty of wrestling space.  I had two tired dogs by the end of the day.  But what a great day it was.  Ric said they slept side by side throughout most of the night.


However.  It's going to be a while before our cats, Mokie and Dot, give their blessing for another dog.  I feel some major trickery coming on...

4/20/12 - Final Surgery

Bracelets... Where's the bling?

Yesterday was the final surgery in the series (of surgeries) necessary to treat my breast cancer!  One more thing to check off the list... my mental list.  I usually make lists for everything.  Ric just rolls his eyes.  I can proudly say that I didn't make an actual paper or iPhone list for the steps necessary to rid myself of cancer.  Or... did I?  As I write this, I realize my blog contains it all.  Mmmmmm... pretty well disguised list until now!

Before the 9:00 am surgery, I met with various nurses, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, etc. and finally the surgical nurse who entered the room saying, "And now I finally get to meet everybody's favorite patient!"  I was surprised, but she said, "Yes, really."  Well, I try to be easy to get along with and I realize how hard nurses work and appreciate the skill of physicians and anesthesiologists. After she left I was still pondering what she said... and then it occurred to me that it might not be because they thought I was nice. It might be because of the things I say while under anesthesia!  OMG!  I was determined to stay awake as long as I possibly could this time to guard what I said.  I remember going into the operating room and looking down seeing my sock-covered feet, and eager to see how much longer I could stay awake since I didn't feel sleepy at all yet, and then I... nothing!  Nada!  Not a thing.  I don't even remember getting drowsy.  Geez I hope I was entertaining again... or not.

The surgery accomplished what it was intended to do... remove the port used to deliver chemo.  However, I'm dealing with some minor problems I didn't expect.  I woke up in the recovery room coughing and with a sore throat.  The recovery room nurse told me that I coughed all throughout the surgery, and that my throat may be a little irritated because they had to suction it.  (She said what they aspirated was clear, which indicated there are no health problems that would have caused the coughing.)  The cough stopped after a while and I was released.  I've never had a coughing problem before, and feel that perhaps this episode had something to do with the anesthesia. 

Ric and I then made our usual trip to iHop for blueberry pancakes.  I was really hungry, but after the first few bites my throat hurt so bad I started to cry a little bit... and I was scared.  I drank iced tea, which was okay, but it was difficult to swallow.  I tried to eat a little more (because of this recording in my head that says we shouldn't waste food), but I could not.  So Ric finished his pancake, eggs and some of mine, and we went home.  I took Bodhi outside and then went to bed, hoping to sleep for an hour or so. 

I woke up at 6pm!  When I sat up in bed, I had a major wave of pain in the surgery site.  I don't recall what kind of sound I made, but it startled Ric.  Pills to the rescue, which helped the surgery pain, but didn't do much for my throat.  It was extremely sore and felt very swollen.  I could barely talk.  (Now that I think about it, that's probably why Ric was smiling so much!)  I was scheduled to work today, and was quite worried about not being able to talk.  You kinda have to do that when you work on the radio... writing on a dry erase board and holding it up just doesn't work very well.  I decided to quit worrying and just wait and see what the next day would bring.  Hopefully more than my diet of a cold banana and two popsicles.

Today, I woke up with pain only around the surgery site.  I also coughed again, but only for a little while. The pain I felt was where the bandage was adhered to the skin.  I couldn't wait until 10:00 which would have been 24 hrs after surgery, the time I was told to take off the pressure bandage.  At 9:00 I took it off, to find some large blisters where it was taped to my skin.  I don't know why this happened either.  They used the kind of tape that was not supposed to cause skin irritation.  I only had some of the same kind at home, which is what I had been using with no problem since the December surgeries.  For my new clean/dry bandage, I tried using it anyway, while avoiding the blisters.  Since a large area of my skin was red, even that hurt.  So I ended up using a row of regular bandaids.  Itching, but no pain.

I was hungry at work, but didn't have anything much there to eat, and my throat was still sore anyway.  At about noon, I ate a sugar-free jello.  Shortly after I started feeling nauseous.  It just got worse and worse and I panicked, because there was no one else there who could take over for me!  The panic only made matters worse, and I eventually went upstairs to the bathroom and threw up.  Sorry.  Yuck.  TMI.  But after that, I felt better! Still had kind of a gagging feeling from time to time, but better.

My other concern about being sick was that I was scheduled to pick up Jenny (the black beagle/cocker mix doggy) from the animal shelter after work.  So I was relieved when I started to feel better and knew Jenny wouldn't have to spend another night NOT at the foot of someone's bed!  (More about this in my next blog entry.)

When I got home I looked in my throat to see if I could see anything.  You know that little thing that hangs from the back of our throats?  The uvula?  It's swollen and laying on the back of my tongue.  No wonder I feel like I'm gagging.  Now that I know what is causing this feeling, it's a little easier to deal with.

One more thing for my list of complaints... pain is back in the surgery site because of significant swelling.  I'm using ice packs on that, which feels goooooood.  Until I take it off.  I wish I could just strap the ice pack on me, but the incision is just under my collar bone... and I don't have any bras big enough to go up that high.

Thursday

4/19/12 - "Jenny"

Bodhi is a wonderful dog... we love him so much.  He and the cats have semi-bonded... about as much as I think they will.  They now can happily be in the same room together.  If they're in the bedroom, the cats will lay together on the bed and Bodhi under a table in the corner.  It occurred to me that he might be lonely while Ric and I are at work during the day.  So, several months ago, I started thinking about getting Bodhi a dog!

Now I knew it wouldn't be practical to have two dogs to care for while I was going thru chemo, but once that was over, I found myself thinking about it more and more.  The Kanawha Charleston Humane Association started posting pictures on Facebook of dogs available for adoption, and I started looking at the pictures... thinking after radiation I would get serious about looking for another dog to adopt.  But the pictures.  Those sweet little doggy faces looking through the cages.

I read the descriptions of the dogs, looking for one that was approximately the size of Bodhi, so that it would be easy to walk both of them at the same time.  I saw one dog named Jenny, but either I passed her over because she appeared too small or maybe I passed her over because I fell into the "black dog syndrome" trap. (Overlooking a black dog because eyes and fur are the same color, and a person doesn't get a real sense of personality or character of the dog.)  I honestly don't remember why she didn't register as a possibility at first. Then I saw her photo in the Sunday paper of available dogs... and under her picture, included in her description, were the words, "Very sweet.  She's been here since January.  Please help."  And I was hooked.  Jenny needs and deserves to be in a home!

Yesterday I went to the shelter to meet Jenny.  I followed Cesar Milan's instruction of "No talk, no touch, no eye contact" upon meeting a dog for the first time... allowing her to approach me first.  Susie, a volunteer at the shelter, and I walked to a fenced in area.  Jenny ran around for a while, ran to Susie many times, and eventually came to me.  I talked to her and petted her and we got to know each other a bit.  She went to play some more and ran to me a little later, putting her paws on my shoulder, licking my face and looked right into my eyes.  She stayed like that for a long time... until my legs cramped so much I had to stand up!  :-)  She is a very affectionate and loving dog.  She needs a family.


Today I took Bodhi to the shelter to meet his potential little sister.  This time I followed the advice of my friend, Vicki, and didn't talk to either dog at first.  Just took them both outside and walked to the fenced in area and let them get to know each other on their own terms.  It was no big deal... they both "used the bathroom," walked or ran around a bit, and sniffed a lot!  They didn't "hang out" together the whole time, but met up occasionally and sniffed the same patch of grass together.  Then we went for a walk.  It started out well on level ground, but when we started walking uphill on a little trail, Jenny pulled mightily on the leash.  I could not control her at all.  I have to be cautious about both my arms because of lymph node removal, so I turned around to go back to the shelter.  And downhill, Jenny walked perfectly in sync with Bodhi and I!  I met Cathy, another volunteer, at the bottom of the hill and she told me that sometimes the dogs just get so excited to walk after being in the kennel all day long.  So I tried again.  But same thing... strong pulling uphill, but okay going down.  Well, Bodhi pulled on the leash when he first came to us and I've trained him to walk at my pace alongside of me.  I'm confident that I can do it with Jenny too.  But I have to be realistic... if I develop lymphadema in either or both arms, I won't be able to walk the dogs at all.  So... I'm going to foster Jenny for a week and see if I can teach her to walk the way she needs to, or at least make enough progress to know it's possible.  It'll give us some time to see how Jenny and the cats react to her, and how she and Bodhi get along in the house.  If all goes well, then we will adopt her.  And if it doesn't work out, I'll make it my mission to find a good home for Jenny.  It was tough to leave her at the shelter today... but I'll go back and get her on Saturday afternoon. 

I'm looking forward to Saturday afternoon...

4/19/12 - A little surgery tomorrow

My sweet daughter, Jill, has reminded me that it's been since 4/3/12 that I've posted anything.  Since she may not cook for me when I go visit, I'm going to update now!  My first week after the last chemo was quite rough, but the next week... wow!  I was amazed at how good I felt.  This week, even better.  I'm still working on building up my stamina, but I've seen signs that it's coming back:  I no longer have to stop and rest walking up the hill from our house.  And I caught myself running up the stairs at work yesterday!  I can't tell you how good that made me feel!  Bodhi and I are back to walking at least 3 miles a day, sometimes 4, and I'm walking at a brisker pace... which makes my doggy very happy.

I still have moments of having to think about things that I do routinely, but they are very infrequent now.  The biggest problem I'm dealing with is swollen feet and ankles.  I had been drinking iced tea when it all started, and I've since given up caffeine, but they are still swollen.  I don't know what is causing it, or what to do about it.

Dr. Cohen gave me a prescription for Arimidex, the drug I will take for 5 years designed to prevent recurrences of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer. 

Tomorrow morning, I go into the hospital for the minor surgery of removing the port that was inserted in my chest before chemo.  Yay!  Well not "yay" for surgery... but Yay! because I'm finished with chemotherapy and no longer need the port!

Next week, I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist and he will begin mapping the radiation plan.  I'm eager to get the radiation started... and finished! 

Okay, Jill... what's for dinner... and lunch... and breakfast?  No hurry... you have a couple months to plan my Mexican feast!


Monday

4/3/12 - Even if it's slow... it's still Progress!

All this, just to document the recovery from chemo:

Tuesday - I feel like I'm making progress and on the road to healing, despite some disturbing side effects.  Yesterday, I was still experiencing difficulty thinking, concentrating and focusing.  I found myself asking people to repeat things they were saying to me because I just could not grasp it.  I understood after the repeat, so that's was good!  I walked around most of the day feeling like I was in a fog, but by evening, the feeling had passed.  Grateful for that. 

I feel much clearer in my head today, although I have already had to ask someone to repeat what they said to me.  Things are getting better though.

My new side-effect is the numbness in my feet and hands.  Such a weird sensation.  I feel like I'm walking around on little wooden blocks, and my fingers just feel huge.  Only a feeling... no swelling.  I'm now starting to feel the numbness all over my body, including my face again.  I feel like a big ole puff ball!

Wednesday - Finished taking steroids on Monday evening, so no steroids in my system yesterday, which meant a very good night's sleep last night.  So good that I had a lot of trouble waking up.  I've dealt with severe fatigue today.  I was pretty much okay sitting down at work, but whenever I stood up, I was a little dizzy... also dealing with very numb feet and the entire backs of my legs have been numb today... making for difficult walking.  I've felt like I've been dragging my body around today!

Luckily, I know that once I get past this stuff, I'm finished with it!  No more chemo!  How in the world would I deal with 4 more? How did I deal with 8 the last time?  I suppose I wouldn't be thinking this way, if I actually did have 4 more to go... I'd be celebrating that I was halfway through.

Thursday and Friday - The numbness has turned to what is commonly called "tingling," but it's more like pins & needles, or that feeling we get when our leg "falls asleep."  I keep rubbing my hands to make it stop, but it doesn't go away.  I've had dry mouth for a few days after each chemo treatment and this one as well.  However, this time it's gone beyond a dry mouth.  Because the chemo drugs kill good cells as well as bad ones, I now have tiny little blisters on my tongue and my gums are very sore.  It makes it tough when your job involves talking!  (I'm using a toothpaste and mouth rinse called Biotene, which helps the discomfort somewhat, and hopefully will help my mouth to heal.  It's very expensive to purchase, but if you find yourself needing this, ask the cancer center if they have some samples!  Also, a prescription mouth rinse can be obtained, which I needed after having eight treatment six years ago.)

Saturday and Sunday - Got to sleep in an extra 3 hours each day!  Ahhhhhhh, like a little bit of heaven.  I feel a lot better... and my mouth is getting much better.  I like the way this is shaping up!

I realize there could be some more side-effects headed toward me that I forgot about, but today I really feel like I've gotten over the hump and am on the downhill side now.  People have therapy after a knee replacement, and rehab after a heart attack... so I'm thinking that I will devise my own "Chemo Rehab" plan!  I'm not quite sure what it will consist of, but I have thoughts running through my head... time and distance goals for walking to increase my stamina; weight-lifting exercises (dumbells) and push-ups, etc. to increase my strength, and dietary changes to lose the 15 lbs I've gained!  I'll work on that this coming week.  Chemo Rehab.  Yes.  Our bodies go through a lot during this treatment that my doctor says "is barbaric, but it's all we've got for now."  So I prescribe for myself a period of Chemo Rehab!

Sunday

4/1/12 - Dogwoods & Taxes

Floating... spinning... wafting.  Cleaning... organizing... creating order out of chaos.  Wondering... will I ever be the "same" again... where am I... what do I do now?

What a strange day this has been.  I am grateful to have no pain or nausea today.  But I am wondering what's going on in my brain.  I feel disoriented and spacey.  As Bodhi and I were walking this morning, in our neighborhood where I walk 2-3 times every day, I suddenly found myself walking in unfamiliar territory... or so it seemed.  One part of my brain told me that I've walked on every street in this neighborhood and I had not suddenly been dropped somewhere else, and another part did not recognize where I was at all.  I wasn't frightened... I listened to the part of my brain that said I've been here before... and before long, we rounded the corner, and there was the view of the city that I adore. 

What was a bit frightening for a moment was the thought that I might now have brain damage!  Good grief!  Well, I can admit I'm not always functioning at the top of my game, chemo or not, but I quickly came to the conclusion that I'm experiencing the very real "chemo brain" side effect right now.  I'm dealing with the cumulative effects of four rounds of strong chemotherapy drugs.  This will pass.  It's not permanent.  It's a side effect.  Okay, so there... I'm normal. LOL!!!

This morning I was puttering around the house, cleaning, organizing, moving around the folder with the paperwork to do our income taxes... trying to find a place for it where I would remember to do them, but get it out of plain view so that I would quit fretting over getting them done.  As I was changing cat litter, I accidentally punctured a hole in the bag of new litter and it started pouring out all over the tiny space in the laundry room.  So that job turned into a bigger one than I had planned... and I found myself quite tired. Amazing how little stamina I have now.  Tried to see how many push-ups I could do.  One. 

I've been missing my Mom and Dad so much today.  Last time I was dealing with cancer, we talked on the phone daily.  Mom sent a card to me every single day while I was going through treatments.  I know they're watching over me now, but I can't sense them with me.  I feel like an abandoned little girl.  I just want to be with them and laugh and feel their hugs and their love.  I'm aching for the unconditional love of my parents.  I'm aching to look into their eyes and tell them how very much I love them and appreciate all they have done for me.  I'm aching to wrap my arms around those two loving, kind, precious people.

I've taken two long walks on this beautiful day with my dog.  It felt good.  I had to stop once to rest... seemed like a defeat.  But I got up and kept going.  The air felt good, the sunshine felt good, the blossoming trees and flowers were incredible.  I'm sitting now at the computer, with the windows open and the fresh air pouring in.  These things are holding me together today... and the One who provides them.

Saturday

3/31/12 – Continuing the Mend


Although I had a restless night’s sleep, I awoke feeling good enough for a morning walk with Bodhi.  I marveled at this dog the whole time we were walking and told him over and over how grateful I was to have him in my life.  Whenever I’m overcome with this feeling for him, I can’t help but remember he came to his original owners from the Kanawha Charleston Human Society... he was a rescue!  Ric and I got him from foster care when he was 3 years old.  This wonderful dog could have been one of the thousands that are put to sleep every year because no one adopted him.  What a loss.  I prayed for all the dogs and cats that are now in the shelter that simply need a loving home.  And there is a loving home that needs one of them!  I prayed for a match.  I recently read that black dogs are the last to be adopted and the first to be euthanized, for a variety of reasons, including that some people perceive black animals as menacing, but mostly because their eyes and fur color blend in so much that people can’t really get a sense of personality in their faces, and their "ordinary"  black faces get lost in the sea of faces of every hopeful dog looking through the shelter cage.  Isn’t that amazing?  I never knew.  So I prayed harder for the black animals.

I came home feeling a little tired, but it was a good tired.  I’ve had my last chemo treatment now, so I’ll get my strength back.

And to help get my strength back, instead of my usual healthy oatmeal for breakfast, I had a slice of CHERRY PIE!  Thanks, Linda!  It was De. Li. Cious!

Friday

3/30/12 – Happy Endings


Had final chemo treatment yesterday.  Today started out rough... nausea and major fatigue.  I dropped Ric off at work and went to David Lee Cancer Center for the Neulasta injection at 8:30 am, and then drove home.  I tried to read the morning newspaper, but even though I had taken the steroids, which normally keep me wide awake, I was sleepy.  So I did the appropriate thing – went back to bed!  I thought I heard my cell phone ring, which was right beside my bed, but I couldn’t move.  Finally I realized it must be Ric, calling me to come at get him from work early.  I picked up the phone and looked at the clock at the same time... it was 3:45 pm!  Realizing I had been asleep, Ric told me not to rush, to give myself time to wake up, so I did take it slow.  However... as we were coming home, it seemed like there were too many cars on the road!  And at times, it looked like all the cars on the road were coming toward me!  I had to concentrate really hard, because logically I knew it wasn’t possible.  Suddenly Ric put his foot on the imaginary brake on the passenger side, and I realized I had almost run a red light.  One more realization – I shouldn’t have been driving.  I suppose the difference this time was that my chemo and injection were closer together than usual, I had just woken up, and I hadn’t eaten all day.  Well, thankfully I eventually got us home safe and sound!

I went back to bed, but didn’t sleep.  At some point I started to feel alive again, and decided to try to sit up, and was grateful that that turned out to be a good feeling.  Two friends brought by some delicious food, which filled our bellies and souls.  And just at dusk, I had the urge to take Bodhi out for a walk.  It was glorious!  A nice, pleasant, peaceful walk with my little buddy, who always senses when I need to take it a little slower.  We arrived back home, and I knew I was on the mend.  I love happy endings.

Thursday

3/29/12 - Final Chemotherapy Treatment!

Jeanne - Final Chemo Treatment
Today was my final chemotherapy treatment!  Yay!  My name was called to go into the Chemo Unit today, and I thought for a few minutes that it wasn't going to happen today!  They forgot to order all of my blood work yesterday, and two very important tests were missing... one to check liver enzymes which must be done before receiving Cytoxan and one to check kidney functioning before receiving Taxotere.  I was told that even if the blood work was sent as STAT, it could be as long as 3 hours before receiving the results, and by then it would be too late in the day to start chemo.  So they wanted to reschedule for tomorrow.  They apologized, but I told them that I had already taken the day off from work, and I felt certain that my boss had come back from vacation early to fill in for me.  It just sickened me.  I also had my heart set on this being the day for my last chemo.  Carrie said she would go talk to her supervisor and see if there might be any other alternative.  She came back quickly and said, "We're going to do it.  It was our mistake and we're going to make it right!"  They were willing to stay late to make sure I received chemo today.  So the necessary blood was drawn, a phone call was made to the lab, another nurse hand-delivered the blood to the lab immediately.  I went to the cafeteria and had lunch. About 5 minutes after getting back to the cancer center, Carrie called my name.  The lab results came back in a little over an hour!

What's next?  A few weeks of recovery from the side effects that happen after chemo.  Since there is a cumulative effect, things may be a little more severe this time, but it will be the last time I deal with them... so I'm cool with that.  The radiation process will begin next.  Some scans will be done, mapping of the radiation therapy, etc. and then six weeks of radiation, 5 days a week.  Time consuming, but pretty much painless, at least for breast cancer.  There is a lot of fatigue as a result of receiving almost daily radiation, but I can manage that.  When chemo is over, the worst is over.  Chemo is like running a race with a lot of hills and valleys... Radiation is like running on flat ground!  (I must say that radiation for breast cancer is relatively easy.  I'm aware that it is not a painless process for other types of cancer, by any means.)

Donna
Connie and Carrie
Chemotherapy delivery is always easy and painless, so all went well today.  Since I didn't get to sleep until after 5:00am this morning (yep, steroids again), I thought I would sleep through chemo, but I didn't.  I worked on my Spanish homework until Ric came and then we talked.  Thanks to Carrie and my nurse, Connie, I was able to leave much earlier than expected.  It was bittersweet to leave.  Certainly, I am glad this part of the treatment is over (and will be even happier when the resulting side effects subside), but the chemotherapy nurses are such incredible, caring women, and the bond they make with their patients is so strong, that's it's hard to say goodbye!  They are highly intelligent, know their jobs well and thoroughly, are able to help every patient relax by answering all questions and providing needed information.  The icing on the cake, is that they become your friend as well.  Every day they deal with folks who are confronting a frightening disease, yet their dispositions remain sunny and bright.  We share pictures of our children and pets.  They bring us water, soft drinks, pretzels, crackers, cookies, if we want them.  (We never have to ask, they always offer.)  The let me take pictures of them and post on Facebook.  I can't think of a time I've dreaded going to chemotherapy... I'm eager to get there.  Oh!  The very first time I went (in 2006), I was scared to death!  Walked out of work holding onto Ric's arm, feeling like I was going to throw up, tears streaming down my face.  Once I got there, the fear didn't last long.  Donna was my very first chemo nurse and she laid the groundwork for me to have a positive experience at David Lee Cancer Center!

I'm thankful that David Lee Cancer Center is here in Charleston.  A top-notch facility with top-notch oncologists!  I have felt safe and secure in this hospital always.  Because things were so well explained to me, I have always felt confident in the treatments I have received.  I'm also grateful to have a cancer center right here in the area where I live.  Because of this I can continue my life outside the center as normally as possible!  I continue to work, I have support from friends and family, I can live in my house, walk my dog, and more.  For me, it's very conducive for healing!  I, personally, think I would constantly be in a "sick" mindset if I were living out of town while undergoing treatment for cancer. Now a lot of people travel far to receive their treatments at David Lee, but most are still able to go home after treatment, with some staying overnight to get the Neulasta injection the next day.  There are some critical physical problems at the center:  Most of the units in the current building are very small and crowded.  Today Ric's chair was actually partway in the hallway, because of the limited space.  Hopefully all that will change in the next few years, as a fantastic new cancer center is planned and funds are being raised to build a stand-alone facility across the street, complete with more space, and some really nice "extras."  Exciting!  I'll write more about that in a separate blog entry.  You can find out a little more here now: Charleston's Cancer Center of Tomorrow

This evening, I am feeling pretty good.  Tired, but not sleepy yet.  Yikes!  I was hoping to be snoozing by now.  Last night I took a Phenergan (anti-nausea) along with the Decadron (steroid).  Someone suggested that since the Penergan creates a lot of drowsiness, it might help combat the sleeplessness of the Decadron..  Tried it.  Didn't work.  But I'm going to try it again tonight!

Wednesday

3/28/12 - I Get to Go to Chemo Tomorrow

Yes, I GET to go to chemotherapy tomorrow.  It occurred to me today that there are many people in the world who have cancer, and are unable to get treatment for the disease, mostly because they cannot afford to pay for it.  They die.  And they die without medications to make their passing more comfortable. 

I've done nothing to earn this blessing, if that's what it's called.  I'm sure I've done much, much less.  Yet, I GET to go to chemotherapy tomorrow.

I'm grateful.  But what a selfish thing to say.  "They" would be grateful too.

Am I just lucky?

I can't get my head around this tonight.  I will go to David Lee Cancer Center tomorrow with a happy... and grateful heart... and feeling blessed.

Dear God
If it's not necessary for me to know why...
then just show me what to do. 
Love, Jeanne


Sunday

3/25/12 - Nesting

I've been doing my pre-chemo house-cleaning today.  Next time I do this it will just be plain ole house-cleaning.  Why?  Because this Thursday will be my last chemotherapy treatment!

I'll have six weeks of radiation after a little chemo recovery time, but the worst part will be over.

I'm not wishing away time, but I am kind of excited! 

Saturday

3/24/12 - Routine

I only have several short hairs on my head, which unless you're really close to me, you wouldn't even notice.  But when I take a shower, I still wash my "hair" with shampoo!

3/17/12 - House of Cards

I QUIT

I told Ric and also Jenny that I was finished with chemo and have decided not to have #4!  It felt good to say it aloud, as though it were possible, and as though I had some say in the matter.  "So there 'Keemoh'!  You can have your nausea, numbness, pain, dizziness, sore mouth, dry skin, bald head, mood swings, depression, irritability, hot flashes, cold chills, drowsiness, and sleeplessness.  I'm exhausted trying to figure out what you're going to do from one day to the next!  Yessir, you can have it all back... AND... I am cancelling our fourth date!" 

Incredible how good I felt after making that decision.  Those few seconds were pure bliss.  March 29 - Chemo.  It's still on my calendar.

A MOUNTAIN OF KLEENEX

I'm not sure when things went bad.  I believe it was Saturday when I did not sleep all night (but did sleep from around 6 until 10am on Sunday).  Then Monday night, I slept for only one hour.  One.  I went to work on Tuesday, knowing that somehow I would force myself to make it through the day.  Certainly it was the steroids that kept me hyper and awake.  By Monday evening, I had had the full 6 days worth of them, and my body simply said NO to sleep.

Ever have that feeling in the morning like you're glued to the bed?  I awoke Wednesday morning feeling like I was glued and sunk about 3 inches down into the bed.  It was agony to get up.  I was nauseous, had lots of pain in my feet and legs (throbbing, piercing pain) and was severely depressed.  I cried the entire time I walked Bodhi.  I'm glad it was still mostly dark outside.  Thursday started out with the same side effects and mentally I was even worse.  I told Ric that I hated being such an emotional wreck.  He told me I was a trooper.  A trooper?  Do troopers throw fits like this?  He said that despite the crying, I always eventually stopped, got up and continued to do what I had to/really wanted to do.  And I thought, well yes... so today I'll march my butt right out this door again.  But by evening I was barely holding together.  I felt like a House of Cards.  One little bump, and all would come crashing down.  Dot, my fat cat, braved her way through the piles of tissues all over the bed, and simply laid next to my head and... purred.  Just that simple.  She lay down beside me and gave me a cat's best gift.  So I got past it.  Laughed at my crying/laughing pendulum and how if someone were looking at me through my windows, they would think I needed to be locked up! 

I quieted.  I started thinking reasonably.  I realized that I had been getting through these last few workdays by taking anti-nausea and pain medications.  They worked!  I felt better and was able to do my job.  However, my body was not getting the rest it needed.  The meds kept me going, but it was like a cover-up.  I wasn't resting and I certainly wasn't healing.  So, I decided to take Jeff up on the numerous offers he had made for me to leave work early, and I did so on both Thursday and Friday.  I came home and took a one hour nap... well maybe three hours on Thursday.  :-)  Friday morning, I was not emotional.  However, as soon as I came through the front door after Bodhi's morning walk, I felt that familiar ringing in my ears and thought I was going to pass out.  Normally I would stop and sit down immediately, but I thought I would go ahead and hang up my hat on a hook in the closet.  And I went down.  Luckily I did not lose consciousness... I caught myself enough to make a soft landing!  By today (Saturday) I felt much, much better.  You know, until now, it didn't even dawn on me that this week has been the week just after chemo!  How did I expect to feel?  Like I could run a 5K? 

In addition to not getting enough rest, I've probably had difficulty because of the cumulative effect of chemo treatments.  So I'm wondering if after my next (fourth and final) chemo, I should shorten my air-shift by an hour for that whole week?  Instead of masking the symptoms and continuing to push, maybe I should just allow myself a little R&R?  After all, my body has been literally screaming for it!  Why is it so hard for me to take it easy?  Why do I feel guilty for giving in?  It's not like I'm pampering myself by having manicures and pedicures and shopping sprees... it's just a nap or two to recover from cancer treatments?  Geez, Jeanne... what would you tell your own daughter?  God is telling his daughter (you, Jeanne) to slow down... don't cry on that bed, rest on that bed.  Turn the volume down on your life for the next few weeks so that you can hear the purring.

SPEAKING HAIKU

Ric is a master of composing haikus.  He wouldn't call himself that, but I am in awe of his ability to capture a feeling or a mood with this Japanese form of poetry, containing 17 syllables on three lines... 5-7-5.  I like to write a haiku now and then myself.  It's fun and it's challenging to fit into the formula.  Seems like you wouldn't want a "formula" for poetry... but this particular one helps to pare down to the pure essence of the message you feel or wish to convey.  It's a bit magical.  During my night of nearly zero sleep, I was checking out Twitter, because Ric does a lot of late-night haiku-composing by tweeting.  Since my feelings that night were so intense and desperate, I added a couple of my own.

Pieces of my mind
Scattered about in the dark 
Sickness raping me 

That's the way I felt... but I didn't want to stay that way.
So I kept writing.
 
 I gather them up
Knit them back together
Stronger than before


Oh my!  I just remembered a haiku that my Dad gave to me the last time I was going through chemotherapy treatments!  (entry dated 3/12/06)

He said to the snail,
Go slow.  Go very slowly.
Climb up Mount Fugi.

It has a different meaning for me today.  I am not meant to run THIS race.  I will reach the top (healing) by going SLOWLY this time. 

Sunday

3/11/12 - Chemo #3

Receiving Chemo #3
THREE down and ONE to go!  I can't see the finish line yet, but I know it's there!  I slept through most of Thursday's chemotherapy treatment.  The nurses said I was out like a light.  I don't even remember getting the chemo drugs, since apparently the anti-nausea meds I was given first, knocked me out.  But I know I had them!  The cumulative effect of chemo is very present this time around.  I'm not sick and only have a little bone and muscle pain, but I have that weird feeling I can only describe as "chemo-y"... sensitive skin, red face and chest, extreme fatigue, and trembling inside.  I feel it much more intensely this time.  Dr. Cohen lowered my dosage of Taxotere, so I'm not feeling as much numbness as with the last two treatments.  However, I do feel disoriented now and then.  I worked yesterday, and I know I was there, but I don't remember much about it. This morning as I was walking Bodhi, I spoke to some folks in the neighborhood, and I had trouble forming my sentences.  I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 6am this morning, and then woke at around 10, so lack of sleep is contributing to my general fogginess too, I suppose.

I can't complain.  I'm functioning, able to walk with Bodhi, albeit slower than we used to.  I'd say I'm doing pretty well.  Ric and I went to the bookstore today and after a while I had to come home to lie down.  But when I pulled in the driveway after driving home in the gorgeous sunshine, and saw Bodhi looking through the window, I thought, "I just have to take this little guy for a walk... he deserves it!"  So we walked for one hour!  Found out I'm capable of more than I think sometimes.  Aren't we all?
Whole-grain blueberry pancakes




(Ric and I always go to iHop after chemo for pancakes!  We did it in 2006 and are doing it this time around too.  Don't know why... just a silly little tradition we started.)

Wednesday

3/7/12 - Third Chemo Tomorrow

Ha, ha, ha-ha, ha!  I don't have to work tomorrow!

Well, no... but you hyped-up on steroids goofball... you DO have a chemotherapy treatment tomorrow at 8:30 am! 

Oh, yeah, that.

I do feel much better about this than I have the last couple days.  I feel very fortunate that I only have to have four treatments altogether this time... and after tomorrow's treatment, I will only have one more to go.  I'm moving right along.

Dr. Cohen is going to slightly lower the dosage of Taxotere this time.  The numbness and stinging in my fingers and especially my feet has not gone away.  Although it's a common side effect, the numbness should go away several days before the next treatment.  He thinks my previous doses may have been a little too high for me. Plus, he fears I could have permanent nerve damage if I remain on the same dosage.  I already have some permanent damage from the 2006 Taxol chemo drug, in the form of restless leg syndrome, so I'm in complete agreement with this adjustment.  Here's a link with some info about neuropathy (nerve damage).  Neuropathy

Tuesday

3/6/12 - Coming Up... Chemo Number Three

Started feeling a little anxious yesterday.  Chemo #3 is coming up on Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.  I feel good, but I wish I felt better going into this next treatment.  Although I'm watching what I eat, I'm gaining weight... and I have to start taking the steroids again tomorrow morning... which also means very little sleep for the 6 days that I'll be taking them.  Mmmmmm.  As I write this, I realize I'm dwelling on the unpleasant things.  Well, chemo IS unpleasant... but it's also what is freeing me of any cancer that may remain in my body.  And, with this next treatment, I will be more than half-way through!  Aw, c'mon, Jeanne, you can keep this up for a while longer.  Yes, I can!  Blood work tomorrow.  Chemo the next day.  Friends from Unity Church will be bringing meals for 4 or 5 days.  I can sleep on an irregular schedule for a few days until I go back to work on Monday.  I'll be okay!

As my friend, Debby, reminded me not long ago... Every day I wake up is another day closer to treatments being over... and being healed!

Wednesday

2/29/12 - Language Learning

I've had to learn some new words since I was first diagnosed with cancer:  Cytoxan, Taxotere, Neulasta, port (a new meaning for a familiar word), Zofran, axillary lymph node dissection (they don't dissect the things either - they take 'em out!), "chemo brain," and many more I didn't really need to anticipate adding to my vocabulary.  I learn how to pronounce them as I go, and learn what their purpose is.  "Cytoxan and Taxotere will save your life, but will make you have pain and be sick too.  We're going to implant a port in your chest, so we can easily put this cure/poison in your body... yep, cut you open, put 'er in, sew you up and do it in reverse this summer."  You get the idea?  I hadn't planned on learning how to speak Cancer.  And dang... this course is tough! 


On the other hand, I have chosen to study Spanish... ever since my daughter walked in our door with this extremely handsome, polite, kind, young man... from Mexico.  Although Daniel spoke English, I thought it would be cool if I could speak with their future children and Daniel's family in Spanish.  (I knew right away they would end up getting married.)  So I've been learning mostly on my own through books and CD's, and taking Spanish classes when they were available, and petitioning servers in Mexican restaurants to allow me to practice espanol with them.  My most challenging classes have been with Enybe Diaz, who is from Mexico and was a teacher in her native country.  I received an email from her shortly before I was to begin chemotherapy that she was going to offer an advanced class... a very intense advanced class, where only Spanish would be spoken, and where we would have lots of tarea, homework.  Just what I'd been waiting for... but not at the same time I was going through chemotherapy!  How could I possibly handle such a challenging class at the same time I'm dealing with a serious health challenge?  It seemed like I should tell her I would have to wait until the next class, yet I longed to go to this one.  After days of trying to make a decision, it occurred to me to ask Ric what he thought I should do.  He immediately said, "I think you should take the class... go for it!"  So I did!

I knew all along that I should take the class.  Not taking the class, would mean I didn't believe I was going to feel good enough to be at the class, to study and do homework... or even feel healthy enough to be able to learn.  It would be like allowing myself to be defeated.  I think that's why, with Ric's go-ahead, I immediately said "Yes."  I wanted to be in the mode of LIVING and having the faith that I could continue to do whatever I wanted... and that whatever those things were, would ADD to my well-being.

I just got home from Spanish class, and feel so great!  I've been in the class for several weeks now and am learning a lot.  Understanding someone speak Spanish is my greatest challenge, and by using only Spanish in the class, I am comprehending more and more and making lots of progress.

The lesson here?  Challenge yourself, even if you're already being challenged.  Challenge yourself with something you can be passionate about.. .and enjoy!  Knit an afghan, make photo albums/do scrapbooking, begin a moderate exercise program, write a book of poetry, learn to play a musical instrument, learn a foreign language... do something that distracts you from your problems and provides a pleasant diversion.  Don't wait until the problematic challenge is over to live.  Keep living even through that challenge... by giving yourself one of your own choosing!

View from Mayan pyramids at Xochicalco in Mexico (2010)


Sunday

2/26/12 - Feeling Like a Bouncing Ball

Was astonished to log on and see that my last post was a week ago.  I felt very good for the first few days after chemo, however, much of the rest of the week was spent just trying to get through each moment of the day... some days I felt good in my head, but my body was dragging... other days, I was running up the stairs but then couldn't remember why I had gone there... and for a few days (and nights) I was battling pain, dizziness, fever and some slight nausea.

On Monday, I received the Neulasta injection, for the purpose of keeping the white blood cell count up.  This med does have side-effects, however... one of which is bone pain.  This is something difficult to describe.  It's deep inside, accompanied by a trembling feeling.  It started in the top of my feet one night, and by the next day was throughout my legs and into my hips.  It's an excruciating pain, which frequently brought tears to my eyes.  I took pain medication at night, which helped, but only took 1/2 dose at work, because it makes me so sleepy.  Walking around the studio, kicking my legs out, helped somewhat... those were a tough few days.  Luckily, it only lasted a couple days!  I will definitely have the injection again after the next chemo, because an extremely low white blood cell count is, uh... life-threatening!  I'll deal with the pain.

On Thursday (which would have been the beginning of the 7-10 "danger zone") I developed a fever in the evening.  It went up to 100.2 (100.5 is when a chemo patient must go to the ER).  I took my temperature every half hour as per doctor's orders.  I was lucky... woke up the next morning and temp was 97.7.  Ric was in Pittsburgh, so before I went to bed, I packed a bag and wrote down all the meds I had taken during the day, just in case I needed to call 911.  I had my friend Cathy's phone number ready to call to come get Bodhi if necessary.  

Most of us think the only major side-effect with chemotherapy is nausea... but oh my... there are so many things to deal with.  Some come and go, some occur simultaneously.  This is not a list of complaints, but these are the things I've dealt with this week.  So, if you are experiencing symptoms like these... just know it's common.  DRY MOUTH - gums and tongue feel rough, throat is a little sore, taste buds are affected.  Rinsing with regular mouthwash helped me, but the doctor can prescribe something for more serious problems.  FATIGUE - I normally run up stairs, often take two steps at a time... but now, despite walking everyday, I experience muscle fatigue and my stamina is definitely diminished.  DIZZINESS - when my ears start to ring, or I feel like there's a covering over my ears, that's my cue to sit down immediately, and breathe deeply until the feeling passes.  SKIN IRRITATIONS - my skin feels like it's sunburned, and the places change from day to day... just an odd feeling.  NUMBNESS/TINGLING - well, you'd think if hands and feet were numb, there'd be no pain... but it's more like the tingling you get after your leg has fallen asleep... that feeling you can't wait to go away.  FEVER - since my ER trip, when I was sure I didn't have a fever and it was in fact 103.9, I've learned to follow doctor's orders and take my temp twice a day.  It's surprising how quickly a fever can come upon you.  SLEEP PROBLEMS - This one is driving me crazy!  Sometimes I fall right to sleep and wake up at 3am and never go back to sleep.  Sometimes I'm awake untill 3am.  Or 5.  Or 6.  That's my favorite... 15 minutes before the alarm goes off!  LOL!  And then sometimes I sleep so much I have to think hard about what day it is.  There's no rhyme or reason to it.  At a time when sleep is important, it's a time when regular and consistent sleep is impossible.  If you're a chemo patient, or caring for someone who is... just keep these things in mind!

To sum it up... I feel like a ball being bounced against the wall.  My experience with chemo this time around is Simply Unpredictable!  Just don't know what I'm going to be up against from day to day!  But you know what?  I am making it each day.  Last night, my friend, Cathy Bush, and I enjoyed dinner together at the Mexican Shoney's and laughed and giggled and shared stories and encouragement with each other.  Despite the obstacles during the week, I ended up at a restaurant with a friend.  So who's blessed?  Me.


2/19/12 - Tree of Knowledge

after the thunder
eager sun breaks through the clouds
making all things new
(~haiku by ric)
At a recent remote broadcast, I met a nice lady who listens to V100 all the time.  As we chatted about my current bout with breast cancer, Karen said to me, "Sometimes the things we go through are for other people."  I was speechless for a moment as this incredible thought sunk in.  She said, "Think about how many things we have gone through, and how they have benefited others.  Yes, sometimes the things we go through and how we deal with them is for the benefit of someone else."

Oh my... she's right!  There are so many people who have been in and out of my life, who have left a positive impact and impression on me.  These encounters (whether they seemed good or bad at the time) have pointed me in new directions and have led me to where I am at this moment.  (And at this moment, my head is being flooded with faces of family, friends, people I've worked with before and work with now, teachers, pets, ex-husbands...)

I am using my current circumstances to enlighten others about the importance of taking responsibility for our own health.  But why not?  Since I already have breast cancer, and have a public forum (radio) in which to speak about it, why not share information, so that others might have a better chance of dealing with it?

BUT... if God had asked me to have breast cancer to help others, would I have said, "YES?"  Probably... but with many conditions!  "Sure, God, but can we wait until I'm a little more prepared?"  "Oh yes, I'll be glad to, especially if you would go ahead and let me know exactly when I'll be cured.  That would help me get thru everything so much easier."  "You know I love you God, but I do have my family, and I think this would be too hard on them."  "I can do that, God, but not today.  Can you check back with me in a few days, months, years..."  Okay, so I probably wouldn't even had said "yes."

I'm not sure Karen meant that we do things like this solely for others.  Certainly, I'm learning a lot for myself in this journey.  Perhaps it's that we do things for others, and then we get a blessing as well!  Perhaps it's just a reminder to me not to be self-focused at any point in this journey, but to use every step as a way to help others.  Is that the LIGHT on this path?  Because I definitely always see the light... even in my dark moments, I still see the Light!

The following is probably the quote that most affects how I want to life my life.  When I first saw it about a year ago, I didn't like the word "doomed" and wanted to retype the quote, leaving it out... but because it did trouble me and make me squirm, I left it as is, propped up at my desk at home.  It has now come to mean to me that sometimes we do have to suffer.  How can anyone ever learn anything from someone who hasn't gone through a trial of some sort?  As Henri Nouwen has said, it's the wounded healer that can make a difference.  Thank you, Karen, for helping me to further understand.  I know there are more layers of meaning yet to come.

2/19/12 - Day After the Day After

Yesterday, I was on an extreme high... today I still feel good, but the high is gone.  Still taking the same medicines, but different responses to it.  Just when I think I have this thing all figured out, I find there is no figuring out chemotherapy reactions.  So I remember to take it a day at a time.  Which is pretty easy for me again today... pleased that I have still had zero nausea and pain.  My fatigue is only moderate.  I'd say I'm doing well.  Catching up on housework and American Idol today!

2/18/12 - Pillow Power

Here's something I meant to write about a long time ago.  It's a fantastic project for anyone who sews and has a sewing machine and left-over fabric!

I received my little pillow 6 years ago at CAMC just before my lumpectomy and lymph node surgery.  The nurse told me that a group of women make these for breast cancer surgery patients.  After the lymph node surgery, it feels like a big block of wood is under your arm, and oftentimes, when the arm touches your side, there is a fairly significant burning sensation.  These little pillows can be used to provide comfort when you're sitting.  It's important at night to keep your arm elevated during the healing period on a regular pillow, and this little pillow provides just enough support under your hand to keep your arm straight and more comfortable.  These "little" pillows make a big difference.

My particular pillow is about 7"x10" and is just right.  The filling is soft, and that is important.  If the pillow is stuffed too tightly, it would feel like one more thing jabbing into your side.  Mine even has a matching pillowcase over it, which is not absolutely necessary, but a nice touch.

These pillows also come in handy if you have a port inserted for chemo delivery.  When riding in a car, the shoulder seat belt will come right over the place where the port has been inserted, so again this little pillow comes to the rescue to provide some protective padding.

I don't know if anyone still does this project for CAMC.  I know they do not have these at St. Francis.  So, if you're interested in volunteering your time and resources, you might want to check it out.  Remember, it's important for women to have these BEFORE they go home from the lymph node surgery!  I think I received mine when I went in for pre-admission testing, so that might be the best department to contact to have these distributed.

Just thought I'd pass along this idea for anyone looking for something to do to make a difference!

2/18/12 - I'm Brave! No, Just a Goofball...


I've always been a little squeamish about getting blood drawn, stitches out, etc. One of my recent scars has been itching like crazy. I put lotion on it often, but kept feeling a tiny rough spot, but couldn't see anything. Last night, I looked at it with a magnifying mirror and there was a tiny piece of a stitch still there. Got out the tweezers and pulled it out myself! I've really never felt brave until then. LOL!  (I would've posted a picture of the stitch, but would have needed a high-powered close-up lens.)

2/18/12 - What? No Taste Buds?

Mandarin & Mango flavor
One of the side-effects of chemo that doesn't make one sick, but takes some of the fun out of life is the loss of taste buds!  Fun aside, the dangerous part is that it can cause us to limit the amount of water we drink... and it's vitally important to maintain a high intake of fluids (non-caffeinated) during the entire course of chemotherapy.  Well, for me, there are many times when water, which we think of as having no taste, becomes difficult to down.  It feels like oil in our mouths.  So, we are on a constant search for something to cut through that oily "taste" and be able to enjoy drinking fluids enough to keep on drinking.  Cranberry juice may help for a few days, then I find it no longer is appealing.  Lemonade can work for a while, and then, oooops - there it goes, no longer pleasant and refreshing.  Here's one I recently found that seems to be having some lasting pleasure for me.  It's a box of those little packets you just add to a glass or bottle of water.  So far so good, so thought I would share it!