6/30/06 - No Sleep and... Lots of Energy?

No Sleep and… Lots of Energy?

Got only a couple hours sleep last night. When the alarm went off this morning, I pushed snooze 3-4 times before I could finally get up. This is going to be a tough day, I thought. Wrong. By the time I got to work, blood circulating, muscles working again… I was pretty good. An hour later I was actually energetic. Probably fake energy… the Decadron I took at 8 a.m.! At any rate, I made it through a busy day at work… went to the hospital to get the Neulasta injection. Intended to take a nap when I got home, but instead did dishes, three loads of laundry, took a stack of newspapers to the garage for recycling, put clean sheets on the bed, fed the cats, made a pizza… obviously no need to sleep yet!

Big difference the day after chemo, from the first four treatments. Major fatigue and nausea… and now these last four… bursts of energy!

Since tomorrow’s Saturday, I don’t have to go to work as early as usual, so tonight I will take an Ambien to assure I do get some sleep. Regardless of how I feel, sleep is still necessary and important for healing.

Another day of feeling really good!

6/29/06 - 7th Chemo - Next to Last!

Walked into the David Lee Cancer Center waiting room this morning. Looked around. There were empty chairs scattered throughout the room. Where will I sit? There was a burst of laughter among a group of people in the back corner. I decided to sit in the empty chair next to them. Good decision… pleasant start to the morning.

The chemo treatment went smoothly today, as usual. I slept a couple hours during the treatment, because the Benedryl in the IV to help prevent allergic reactions, just knocks me out. I was really tired after the treatment today, more so than usual. Came home and immediately fell sleep for a couple hours.

I’m sitting in bed now, and going to read for a while. I’m tired, but realize I may not get much sleep tonight, since I’m now taking the Decadron again too. I don’t feel that hyper though, so who knows? Sleep may come.

We’ve been reading Dorothea Benton Frank’s books lately… all take place in the Charleston, South Carolina area. Started “Sullivan’s Island” today at treatment. It may be the best yet. Going to read till I get sleepy and hope the Benedryl I just took kicks in. Also, hope Ric and I get to go to South Carolina after radiation treatments are over. We are ready for a vacation!

Oh, we do get a little getaway time next weekend. Going to Snowshoe Mountain for the Fire On The Mountain Chili Cookoff. We plan to relax and enjoy the scenery… just veg out in the mountains of West Virginia.

I just remembered while I was at the cancer center today… that my time there is nearly over… and I’m going to miss the nurses there. Isn’t that amazing? At first I was just scared to death about the whole cancer thing… and scared about the chemotherapy. But from my first visit both with Dr. Cohen and his nurse, Linda… and then with all the chemo nurses, Terry, Donna, Sarah, Heather, Marietta, and Loralea… a unique bond was formed. My life has been in the hands of these folks… which actually makes it a very intimate relationship! It’s not that we all know a lot about each others’ lives… we know some things. It’s a trust… and a feeling of safety that I’ve had among these women. They’ve been patient and understanding… friendly and funny… caring and nurturing. How do they do it day after day with so many patients… and still make me feel like I’m the only one? These nurses have been some of the best women I’ve known in my life. Yes, I will miss them. I’ll see them from time to time when I go in for checkups and such. But the essence of what they’ve given me will remain in my heart forever.

6/28/06 - Birthday

What a nice birthday… cards, calls, e-mails, Happy Birthday songs on voice-mail, Ric’s presents and dinner yesterday, and a great cat birthday card today, cake at Working Women’s Wednesday… I felt like a little kid. It was fun.

Had a doctor appointment today… got briefed on radiation schedule, which will be starting soon. Radiation oncologists will be calling me to set up an appointment to get started. Radiation will begin three weeks after the last chemo – around August 3. It will be every day for 6-7 weeks. Technology here in Charleston is first rate. All the doctors are good ones. Minimal side effects to be expected… fatigue, minor skin irritation (but there’s a medicine for that!)

Felt really good again today – no pain. Chemo tomorrow… so tonight I take the big dose of Decadron at midnight and at 6:00 a.m. Oh boy.

6/27/06 - Gifts

Overslept this morning. Electric went off yesterday and I reset the clock to AM yesterday evening instead of PM! The upside is I got an extra 1-1/2 hours sleep! The downside was… well, there wasn’t one. I got to work in time, managed to get everything done I needed to before going on the air. I guess some extra sleep was a gift!

I had some pain during the night, but one pain pill got me through. The rest of the day – pain free! The only symptoms I have had today of being a chemo patient: tired, numb fingertips and being bald!

My birthday is tomorrow and since Ric and I will be busy tomorrow evening, he took me out for dinner tonight and then shopping. Oh, he’s such a brave man. Tomorrow I will be wearing new clothes and new shoes to work.

We were watching the news tonight about a small bridge collapse. A truck was apparently higher than the clearance. I asked Ric, “How can someone not know the height of the vehicle they’re driving?” Ric’s reply: “The same way someone cannot know the width of the van they’re driving.” Ooops… obviously referring to the two times I scratched the side of the V100 van. The more he snickered the clearer the image kept coming back to me of the time he drove off in a station van with the broadcast antennae still up and it came crashing down on MacCorkle Avenue. It was a cold, snowy night and he called me to come help. I drove up behind him… and oh what a pitiful sight. He had stuffed the antenna parts into the van, with bungy cords holding the side door and back doors closed, snow falling really hard. I tried not to remind him of that night, but I couldn’t hold back the giggles and it all came blurting out. Ric said, “Does that make you feel better… to remind me of that?” “No, it breaks my heart to recall how pitiful you looked.” I guess because I was chuckling so much he said, “That’s a bit hard to believe, Jeanne.” “Honestly, Ric, I would be crying right now… if I could just stop laughing.”

Oh gosh… I probably shouldn’t put that entry on-line. Nah… he won’t care. Just one funny little incident. Well, for some reason… another just came to my mind. That’s the time he put a large iced tea to-go on top of his car and drove off. We’ve all done that, of course. Only Ric’s didn’t fall off till he opened the sun roof… then it fell… into his lap!

Now I feel a bit guilty telling these funny “Ric stories”, after he took me to dinner and shopping for my birthday. We spent a good part of the evening laughing. And I’m still giggling. I know… he intended those funny memories as a gift too!!! Wow, my husband is way generous!

(I’m a little concerned that he may start his own journal entries after reading this one. In the few years we’ve been together, I’ve given him lots of material too.)

6/26/06 - Nearly Normal

Slept all night without pain medication. Worked all day without pain medication. This is good… I think the pain left sooner this cycle than the last time.

I had a remote broadcast this afternoon. I alternated standing and sitting, but my feet and ankles swelled up… despite the fact that I’ve been drinking lots of water. Still too much standing, I guess. But no pain! And for that I’m grateful.

It’s been the first nearly normal day I’ve had in a while.

Ric cooked a wonderful dinner in the slow cooker today… beef roast, potatoes, carrots and onions. Ymmm…

6/25/06

What a weekend! Went to the Mountain Stage Concert tonight. Five acts, four not real well-known… one of whom we’ll never forget now… Tommy Emmanuel. He’s from Australia… and has to be the world’s best guitar player. He had the entire audience standing on their feet. The evening finished with featured entertainer, Bruce Hornsby. He was just awesome as well. He takes ownership of that piano. Oh, and at the end of every Mountain Stage show, all the entertainers come back on for a final number together. At one point our own Bob Thompson and Bruce Hornsby were playing the piano together! Superb moment.

Nearing the Finish Line

Seventh chemo treatment coming up this week. And I’m not dreading it… I looking forward ti it – because after this one there’s only one more left!

6/24/06 - Wine, Jazz & Journaling

Went to the Wine & Jazz Festival today on the University of Charleston riverbank lawn… really nice. Enjoyed just fantastic jazz, both from our own local groups like Steve Himes and the Blue Notes, and the Bob Thompson Unit… and national trumpet great, Chris Botti. Very weary at the end of the evening though. Long days like this, even though enjoyable, are difficult.

I did meet several women tonight who are reading my journal and listening on the radio. One had a mammogram because of my messages on air. One finds inspiration from my journal to help care for her father who has cancer. And others are glad that I’m helping to get the word out about the importance of caring for ourselves. Sometimes I just can’t see how the recording of events of my daily life can be helpful to anyone… but occasionally hearing from others, like these ladies tonight, reminds me that that’s all God ever asked me to do… just record my real feelings and experiences… and He would take it from there. It reinforces my mission to continue. And God never ceases to amaze me!

6/23/06 - Here's Your Sign

Turns out I did worry needlessly yesterday. Doctor had my new prescription ready and I picked it up today. I’m covered. Intense pain through the night, even with medication, but manageable today.

My feet and ankles are very swollen today. I think I did this one to myself. I’m supposed to be drinking lots and lots of water, which I usually do, but the past two days I’ve given in to a craving for iced tea. Yesterday morning, I went to McDonald’s and asked for tea with extra ice – got tea with no ice. This morning went to Arby’s, got a large iced tea with the ice, but no straw. Apparently these were just little signs I wasn’t supposed to be doing this anyway. An occasional glass of tea is okay, but that’s all I drank for two days. Dumb move. Back to mucho agua.

Lighthouse Café

We had our first “Lighthouse Café” at the church this evening. It was a huge success. Every table was filled. Beautiful ocean/lighthouse themed table decorations with shells and candles, refreshments and goodies, soft ocean sounds, a terrific music line-up (Rich Allen, Tyler Davis, Ron Sowell, Ric Cochran & Steve Schumacher, and Sackcloth2Joy). What a wonderful, relaxing, thoroughly enjoyable evening. We’ll be doing it the third Friday of every month… the live music entertainers will vary. Hats off to our new music director Branita, and to Ric and everyone involved in making this a wonderful new option for a way to spend an evening.

6/21/06 - A Little Touchy Aren't We?

Had to follow my own advice today – get up and go to work – don’t give in to the pain, but distract myself from it. (That Jeanne K… she thinks she knows it all… I can’t stand her. But my husband reminded me that just a few days ago, I really believed in what she said… so now I have to practice what I, uh, she… preached.)

Since I made my breast cancer diagnosis public, I’ve received lots of good tips and advice from people, who have made things easier for me. This information has come from people with experience with cancer, and people with simply good hearts and good intentions.

But sometimes I’m not sure of the motivation – probably well-intended, but just not well-received by me. Like someone who just met me and proceeded right away to tell me all kinds of things I’m doing wrong, and things I should be doing to prevent cancer in the future. He was so emphatic about some of it that I was beginning to feel stupid that I didn’t already know. Then I realized that I have read a lot to help myself through the healing process, and none of what I was hearing from this person made sense in light of my “education”… and I’ve carefully listened to all that my doctor and nurses have told me (they haven’t mentioned any of this stuff)… and I have some real reliable breast cancer survivors and spiritual friends who have given me good information and resources. Plus, I realized he wasn’t putting any of this advice into practice in his own life… so he must not have a whole-hearted belief in the information anyway. I realized this even before I saw him go outside for a smoke.

Here’s something else that bugs me. I expect people who have been through chemotherapy to know and remember certain things. Such as, a chemo patient’s white blood cell count can be low… and that person cannot shake hands or be hugged, because of the spread of germs through the hands. With a low WBC count, a person cannot fight off germs and could get a life-threatening infection. Also, some chemo drugs cause muscle and bone pain… which makes being touched severely painful. (I don’t expect anyone who’s NOT gone through chemo to know this… but people who have, should.)

A BCS (breast cancer survivor) grabbed me recently, hugged me, kept rubbing her hands up and down my arms… I kept backing up… she moved with me, continuing to rub my arms, and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. And there was the fear of germs and getting an infection. I can use hand-sanitizer after shaking hands, but she was rubbing me all over! I started to cry… and finally was able to move out of her reach and walk away. She called to me, “Young lady, you should take better care of yourself!”

Okay, both of these instances are out of the ordinary. Just writing them down relieves the frustration, but it also makes me aware that I’m much more emotionally fragile than I realize. I move along my days fairly happily… and in pretty good condition physically, in that I can still drive, work, shop, go out, laugh, hang out with friends, etc. Because of this, I think I’m pretty strong… but really I’m not that tough, either physically or mentally. Again, these are instances out of the ordinary – I’ve been extremely blessed with good wishes, helpful advice, tons of love, and hundreds of prayers. I just get angry sometimes, when I’m simply trying to make it through a difficult day… just trying to get through with a reasonably good attitude… and then someone tells me I’m doing it all wrong, or someone thwarts my best efforts to stay healthy. It makes be feel briefly like an idiot for getting cancer in the first place. I need to remember that isolated incidents are just that… and that irrational behavior is not about me, it’s about the other person.

God… help me to remember that everyone wants to help… but sometimes their ways are misguided… and sometimes they just don’t know what it’s like to be inside my body. Everyone means well… and tries to be part of my healing in the only way they can. I’ve been fortunate to have heard from or met tons of people who have made a tremendous and positive difference in my life these past several months. Help me to remember what I have learned during this time, and keep me from hurting someone in the future… and guide me to help in the ways I that can make a positive difference.

6/19/06 - Sunday

Beautiful day! Went to church, and then to visit the kids. Met our two new grand-critters… Smooch the Russian blue cat… and Howie the white Boxer! I love it when the family is together!

It’s the third day after chemo, and right on schedule the horrible bone pain returned. Despite taking a pain pill, I just could not sleep. Tomorrow will be a tough day, but I will make it through.

Monday

Just a few hours sleep again… could not sleep through the pain. Maybe there was still too much Decadron in my system for the pain pill to allow me to sleep. I’m finished with that for now, so I’ll probably be able to sleep after work.

Medicine – I’m aware of how easy could be to get into a cycle of taking too much medication. Take one medicine for one problem… it produces a side-effect that necessitates the use of another medicine… and on and on. In my case, I don’t take all the medicines all the time… so it all eventually works out. But I worry about, especially older people, who take tons of medicines for various ailments… and I wonder if it often causes more problems? And how do folks whose minds aren’t as sharp as they used to be remember to take all the meds and take them at the appropriate times? It can be very confusing.

Lots of pain today in my legs, but I just keep thinking that I’m on the downhill stretch! Came home and slept for a long time. When I got up, there was dull pain (the medication was working), but my legs would almost give out when I walked… had to be very careful. That got better after I moved around for a while.

6/17/06 - Be Decisive

I’m sick, in pain. What can I do with it? Does the disease own me, or do I own it? Every day, I make the decision to stay in bed, or get up and go to work. Every day. I wake up in the morning feeling tired, sick or in pain… or all three… and it would be so easy (and who would blame me?) to stay put.

But each time, I trust that I’ll feel better. If not, I can always go back to bed, come back home. I can deal with the pain at home, OR when I’m out and about. If I go somewhere, I’m not entirely focused on the pain. At work, I’m distracted with things to do. At the ballpark, there are breezes in the air, people mingling about, activity – can’t possibly be focused only on the pain. Anything I do that keeps me on the move… is not only a distraction from the difficulties… but also a blessing in my day.

I’ve missed some work days, but those were days after chemo that I definitely needed to rest and recover, or days that chemo takes several hours. There’s clearly a difference between those “chemo days” and the days when I’m wondering if I should stay home or go… when there appears to be at least somewhat of a choice. When I can see that glimmer of light… that things may get better if I get up and go – that’s when I make the decision.

If I would give in to my desire to stay in bed, the next day I would find it easier to stay in bed the next day. Staying in bed could become a habit. I would eventually not be able to see that light. I would have obscured my own vision. I must constantly be vigilant.

The other thing that would happen, in my case, would be to fall into depression… too much time to think about all that has happened to me physically, and maybe even imaginings and worries of all that could go wrong. By constantly living each day, I march forward to getting well. I get up out of bed, and continue the part of my mission that is to heal and become healthy again!

Cancer came as an uninvited guest, but I can learn from all things. So I will learn the lessons Big C can teach me… but it will not take over. It will move on… as all uninvited guests should:-)! I have choices! God is guiding me and giving me the power to make decisions. I realize I feel out of control often, but now I can see that just by making the decision to live every day, I do have some control… at least by my attitude. Sure I feel bad a lot, physically and sometimes emotionally… but by golly, I can still choose how to live my day. Stumble from time to time? Sure. But I put my feet back in my shoes… and keep going.

That’s what I’ve found to be the key to getting through this or any illness or problem… make the DECISION every day… one day at a time… to move FORWARD.

6/16/06 - Making the Best of It

Just because there wasn’t another entry added to yesterday’s journal doesn’t mean I slept. I did sleep, but not till sometime after 5 am. My body was exhausted and dreadfully tired, but I just couldn’t sleep. I alternated reading and trying to sleep. Even Dot tried her best to help. She sat by my pillow and looked me straight in the eye, then laid her head next to mine, paws across my arm. I didn’t fall asleep, but it was very peaceful.

Got a couple hours sleep and went to work… feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I snapped out of that after being there for about a half hour. I felt like I did have some trouble on the air today, slurring my speech here and there, jumbling my words, forgetting what I was going to say next. Ugh!

Went to the hospital to get Neulasta injection. Came home, slept for about an hour. My son visited from Parkersburg – we had a nice time, just the two of us. Then met Ric back at the station and went to the ballpark. Great evening, exciting ballgame.

My legs started to hurt again late into the game, otherwise it had been a pain-free day!

It’s not been an entirely easy day… I’ve had to push myself… and yet I’ve still had happy times. I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job of not pushing myself beyond what is reasonable… but still pushing just enough to move beyond the physical problems and still enjoy my day! Thank God for being with me… and for Ric, who always gives me that little nudge I need from time to time.

6/15/06 - Six Down... Two to Go

I don’t like to count down the days… wishing time away. It passes too quickly already. But I can’t help but notice I’m nearing the end of chemo treatments! It was easy today, as the treatment itself always is. These last ones take a lot longer though… 5½ hours today. Because of the Benedryl I’m given during treatment as one of the drugs to prevent allergic reactions, I slept for a couple hours. The ½ doses of Decadron were apparently enough to prevent allergic reactions during infusion too… that’s good. Hopefully the lower dosage will help prevent the extreme emotional high, and eventual low that I experienced last time.

Felt only a little tired today. Tried to take a nap this afternoon (because I thought I was sleepy)… but couldn’t sleep. That’s odd, because lately there have been many times I think I could have fallen asleep on command!

Hopefully sleep will come tonight… it’s about 9:30 pm now… two weeks ago at this time I was talking my head off! I haven’t had anybody to talk to for the last couple hours though… Ric and Steve were practicing guitar… and now Ric’s outside watering flowers. My flat little friend here does not seem to be overheating from too-fast typing. So if this is the last journal entry for today… I may actually sleep tonight.

6/14/06 - On the Road

Picked up my car after work – an expensive mistake! But maybe it was really not so costly – perhaps yesterday’s incident actually gave me notice… saving me from something more serious?

On my way to the hospital for my doctor’s appointment, I realize I’m not feeling that good for the day before chemo. With the first four treatments, I fought nausea and severe fatigue the first week after treatment, but then the week before I usually felt great… like nothing was wrong. With the new treatment, there was no nausea, but I have had fairly severe bone pain, and the aches associated with the fever. The fatigue is not as bad as before… but I didn’t get that week reprieve. I feel like I’m a little more than half way through a marathon, and want to make it to the end, but am having second thoughts… it’s my first marathon, and it’s tougher than I thought it would be, more than I bargained for. Of course, with chemo, I don’t have the choice to drop out and call for a ride! But from time to time I think, “Can I go the distance?”

As I was going through the parking lot… reached a point where I needed to make a turn… and some guy in one of those big 4-wheel drive trucks, with a king cab, extended bed, and a trailer hitch, was backing up… and turning into me! I was in a position where I could only back up a foot or two because other people would soon be coming around the corner behind me. The guy in the truck looked out his window and said… in a very derogatory tone… “Hey lady, ain’t you got reverse in that thing?” Being the good Christian ‘lady’ that I am, I proceeded to put my car in park… forcing him to maneuver back and forth seven more times! I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and yet I took great pleasure in just sitting there. I think I enjoyed simply having some control.

Had blood drawn as usual to check counts before tomorrow. Met with Dr. Cohen and of course told him about yesterday morning’s accident. At first he was perplexed (apparently not a usual problem associated with chemotherapy). I related Ric’s description about how I appeared to be just a half-step away from reality. He asked me lots of questions… the last one being “Did you take any different medication?” “Yes! I had taken an Ambien the night before, but the accident occurred 9-10 hours later.” Ah, that was the problem! There can be lingering effects in some people. I told him I felt nothing strange or unusual, until the minute before and right after the incident. He explained that the effects are very, very subtle – the person taking the medication will not notice anything… but other people definitely will… it will be obvious to them that something is different. So, from now on I should take only ½ the dosage when I’m going to be driving the next morning. No problem. I usually do not take the Ambien, because the pain medication makes me sleepy. I took the Ambien, because the bone pain hadn’t been as bad. Actually, I was really relieved to find the answer was a specific medication. I can fix that! If it was just a general side effect of chemo, how would I ever know when my mind would just “drop out?” Adjusting the meds? Fixable!

Yesterday’s incident affected only me and my car… no one else was involved! Maybe on another day, I could have had a problem driving, and caused a serious accident that could have hurt others. Yesterday morning was a blessing in disguise.

6/13/06 - Life's a Circus!

Ah, today is June 13, 2006… Ric and I have been married 5 years today! In some ways it seems like so much longer… because we’ve enjoyed so much together… know so much about each other… have so many wonderful memories to recall. And in these last five months we’ve learned how much strength we have together! It’s a good day… a good day to celebrate!

I went in the bedroom to tell Ric goodbye before going to work. I wished him a Happy Anniversary… and told him I had a prize for him by the coffee pot. “A prize?” he giggled. “Don’t you mean a present?” Of course. I don’t know why I used the word prize.

On my way to work, I came to an intersection, where I was supposed to turn right… but I started to go straight, even though I was in the lane to right. I quickly turned the steering wheel at the last minute and continued on. Just a few more feet ahead I was to turn left… I mean really had to turn left, because there was a hillside and a curb directly in front of me! But I didn’t turn the wheel soon enough, and hit the hill and the curb while making the turn… BANG. I drove just a few feet more, and pulled over to check the damage. None to the body of the car, but my tire was flat and busted and the wheel was bent. What the heck just happened?

I called Ric… then AAA. Ric was the first one to my rescue. He said, “I should have known something was up with you, when you said you had a prize for me this morning.” And we discussed the possibility that I should not drive anymore. No, no, no… this has never happened before… plus, it’s enough to go through all this crap… don’t take my freedom away. I did agree not to drive if I was feeling strange in any sort of way. I didn’t feel strange when I left for work this morning though. I’ll have to trust Ric on this one. AAA arrived quickly, changed the tire. Ric took me to work. Thanks to Johnny D for bringing my car to the station. My car is spending the night in the shop… will be fixed by tomorrow.

I later asked Ric, so that I could relay to the doctor tomorrow… what I was like this morning. He said it was like I was just a little half-step away from reality… both in the way I was talking… and obviously, in the way I was driving. Sensing my alarm, he stated that with all the trauma and major changes my body has gone through in these last months, it’s no wonder that sometimes I’m going to be just a little off my game.

I saw a brief interview with Oprah and Melissa Ethridge today. Melissa said chemotherapy robbed her of her body during the time of treatment. She explained to Oprah that chemo destroys every dividing cell in your body. Every! That’s its purpose… destroy cancer cells, but the good cells go along for the ride. The good/normal cells eventually repair themselves… but during the actual treatment… it’s a different body… and a different life.

Ric brought a huge bouquet of pink rosebuds to me today! Oh they’re soooooooo pretty. And what’s so special… is that he knows I’m not a big fan of red roses… what I really like best is pink rosebuds, and he remembered! Now, that’s romantic.

After work, Ric and I had dinner at the first place we went for a dinner date… Sitar of India, on Lee Street. After five years of marriage… we know to be grateful not only for the good times, but for the tough times that give us the opportunity to grow. I’m glad Ric and I are married. And the prize? I got the prize… that would be Ric!

6/12/06 - Never Alone

Lately my journal seems filled with a description of my newest pain, another medication side effect, one more emotional trial… or some other new obstacle to overcome. So much so that I think I should just quit putting this journal on-line for others to read… what’s the point? It’s not the first time the thought has occurred to me. But every time I think about not posting these journal entries on line… I get e-mails from women telling me how much the journal is helping them, or just how much they appreciate being able to read about how I’m overcoming the difficulties. I forget that overcoming and dealing with the obstacles… IS the journey. Still being able to smile at the end of the day… and be grateful for all the good things I’ve experienced throughout the day… despite pain or sickness… IS also the journey. No one ever told me this would be easy… but lots and lots of people told me that I would learn many things… and that I would see my life differently.

One e-mail today helped me realize that we, as women, put so much pressure on ourselves… that when things don’t go just exactly right… we think we’ve failed! We forget that overcoming an obstacle… is a success!

Another helped me realize that sometimes a “good attitude” is hoping tomorrow’s pain will be just a bit better than today… or that I’ll have learned how to tolerate it better.

Another shared her story of how the pain affected her as well… letting me know I wasn’t alone… and that I wasn’t being a big sissy!

And another reminded me that there are struggles in all of our lives… and what really matters is how we deal with the issues when they hit us.

ALL the e-mails told me that Ric and I were being prayed for, that God is looking after us, and He will continue to bless us.

6/22/06 - Have Faith

Felt terrible this morning – so tired that I was almost sick. Pain too. Had to take the advice of that dang Jeanne K again. I’m not sure I like her. Forget it… get up and go girl!

Got up and went. And soon, I actually felt good, very good. Darn near great! Now, I would’ve missed this had I stayed in bed. Apparently, getting up and getting the blood flowing, muscles activated, brain engaged… helped me to feel better. Ok, maybe JK knows something after all. She has no hair, but apparently there’s still some thinking and reasoning going on under that hairless head.

So it was a pretty good day physically… several hours without pain. However, it returned in the afternoon and back in full force by bedtime. It was difficult to bear even with pain medication. Called the doctor today for a new prescription. If this pain keeps up I won’t have enough pills to last through the weekend. Didn’t receive a call back from the doctor’s office. I sure hope I can get another scrip. Usually patients have only about three days of pain, but mine rarely goes away. I don’t know how I could bear this without medication. I’ll be screaming.

There I go worrying again. It’ll all work out, I’m sure.

6/11/06 - Ric Out-of-Town... Left Jeanne in Charge of the Kitchen

Woke up today very excited that my Mom and Dad and brother would be here today!

I made coffee for them after they got here. (I don’t drink coffee, and had never used our new coffee pot… Ric’s out of town today, but showed me last night how to make coffee… appeared to be simple… I didn’t take notes.) It seemed to be taking a long time for the coffee to finish… I went to check on it. Coffee was coming out from underneath the coffee pot. What in the heck did I do wrong? Did I not have the pot pushed in far enough? Fumbled with it a little bit. Eventually it was “finished”… but my six cups of water resulted in five cups of coffee.

I talked to Ric on the phone later and told him what happened. “Oh no, Jeanne, you messed up the coffee? Did you remember to make sure the filter didn’t fold over when you closed the thing?” “Ooops… no… that explains it.”

Dad spilled his coffee. I poured him another cup. I noticed when I took the empty cup to the kitchen… there were grounds in the bottom of the cup! Yuck! I know that’s not supposed to happen. I made a new pot of coffee later… being very careful that the filter stayed in place. Was finished in a jiffy and 6 cups of water netted 6 cups of coffee! Everyone drank some again… no complaints. I gave Mom a travel mug to have some to drink on the way home. She spilled it. Uh… my parents are kind enough not to poke fun of my coffee making abilities… but they went to great lengths to not drink it! :-)

What a terrific, wonderful day we had… catching up… recalling old memories… laughing… eating… and making our plans to open up our own Starbucks. Okay, the last part’s not true. But truly a happy day!

6/10/06 - Still Checking the Numbers

Still Checking the Numbers

Still carrying the slight fever, but feeling better today. Had a remote broadcast after work today… my first in a long time… and I was eager to do it. It went well. Afterwards, however, my fever was up to 100.4. Kind of scary for a minute, but realized it was probably because I was out in the sun for a couple hours. Just kept monitoring (afterall I still had .1 degree to go!)… and it went back down to between 99.8 and 99.4.

Next day, still running the fever… still taking antibiotics… still wondering why I even have the fever. I felt pretty good though. Cleaned house today… my parents and brother are coming to visit tomorrow.

Feline Wisdom

Received a gift certificate for Ellen’s Ice Cream… and two books from a friend today. One book is “Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Cat.” Wow… I can’t wait to get into that. I learned one bit of wisdom today, while cleaning house, from our cat, Dot: If a vacuum cleaner attachment gets loose, scoot it under the bed quick, aiming for the middle, where it can’t easily be reached. Your owner will then learn that some things can be seen, but not immediately attained… unless a little effort and persistence is utilized.”

6/8/06 - I Can Only Imagine, In the Arms of the Angel... and other songs

Another day of not feeling good… and now another problem – still running a slight fever… back and forth between 99.8 and 99.1. Not high enough to be concerned about by normal standards, but my limit is 100.5. I do feel achy, like having the flu… but not sick. I’ll keep working and hope it comes back down. I just keep wondering what’s causing it?

Ric’s more worried than me. He called the doctor and they want me to come to the hospital and have blood counts checked. Now, I’m scared.

By the time I get to the cancer center I’m an emotional wreck again. Tears are falling as I walk through the door. People are staring. I wonder if they know who I am. I wish for a few minutes I’d never gone public with this.

When I get back to the examining room, it is not my usual nurse, Linda, who is there to take my blood. The new nurse has trouble accessing my port… and I start crying again. It hurts… it’s taking too long… and I want Linda. She tries again… still no luck. Calls in another nurse to help. I’m a total emotional wreck by now. I know I’m acting like a baby… but I’m out of control. Finally, on the third try, they access my port and get the blood. Now I just wait for results. They let me wait in the exam room. Thankfully, I don’t have to go back out in the waiting room,

Dr. Cohen comes in to see me. White blood cell count is very high. So that is not the problem. I do have a bit of bronchitis. He also orders more tests… urinalysis… blood cultures. They will need to get more blood, both from my arm and from the port. I asked for Linda… yes!

We discussed whether I need an anti-depressant. I’m not depressed all the time… just once in a while, and I always have something specific on my mind that worries me or makes me sad. So we’ll monitor my need for it… but hold off for now. He prescribes a lower does of Decadron for the next pre-chemo round… and that should help lessen the “high” effect I experience, and thus also alleviate the “low” that came later.

I didn’t have to dress in the little-old-man-hospital-gown today. It was lying there all folded up… and it seemed like Dr. Cohen read my mind… and said, “I don’t know why they look like that. I can only imagine that somebody somewhere said, ‘Okay, design something that no one will want to steal.’”

Linda came in to draw blood… zip, zip, it was done… no problem, no pain. Linda’s more than a medical practitioner. She hugged me, took time to talk with me… helped me understand that the emotional upheaval is perfectly normal… and that I’m entitled to bad days from time to time. My body is going through tremendous changes. And this never even occurred to me before… but chemo also wreaks havoc on our hormones! She said chemo can be like PMS times 1,000!

The best medicine doesn’t always come in a gold bottle. It also comes in the arms of an angel… Linda.

6/7/06 - Sugar Packets of Steel

Woke up feeling better this morning. Even though I sleep a lot when I get home from work, I still sleep at night. My dreams are one-dimensional… like they’re happening on a computer screen!

Still have the bone pain. I was told I might get numbness and tingling in my fingers and toes. What’s been coming on for days is pain in my fingers when I touch something. Getting worse today. It hurts to open a packet of Splenda! Oh, well… no biggy… I can handle it… just another nuisance.

Sleepy today… medication’s the cause. Don’t want to do much but sleep. We’ll stay home this evening… do something tomorrow. We don’t have to do something every evening, right?

It’s evening. I feel like I have a sunburn all over. Is this part of the muscle/bone pain thing? I felt this last night at bedtime too, but more acutely this evening. Took my temperature… normal.

12:30 pm – got up to go to bathroom and still felt the sunburn-like pain, but now achy too… like when I have a fever. Could I have a fever? Took temperature… 99.8. A temperature of 100.5 is the maximum… then I have to go to the ER. Oh dear… first time my temperature’s been above normal. I keep checking when I wake during the night. 1:12 am – 99.8. 2:14 am – 99.4.

6/6/06 - Light

Not feeling well at all today, extraordinarily tired… and more bone pain. It’s been so hard to get through the day. All I want to do is go home and take the pain medicine and curl up under the covers and sleep.

And that’s what I did. Just like I’ve done for several days… sleep. Ric and I talked earlier about going to the baseball game tonight. Part of me wants to… part of me wants to stay here in bed and sleep away the misery.

Just tossed the idea back and forth in my mind. I decided… decided… to call Ric and tell him to pick me up for the game. It wasn’t an easy decision. I really did feel bad. However the thought kept coming to me that even if I could stay for only ½ hour… it would be better than what I was doing. A half-hour of sunshine and being around people and in a fun atmosphere… would be a break in my day. We went to the game… and stayed for 2-1/2 hours! It felt so good being out in the fresh air. Yes, my legs still hurt… and I was still tired, even sleepy. But my focus was barely on those things. Instead I was breathing the air… watching people… eating hot dogs… laughing… and yes, watching the ball game.

I simply re-learned a lesson I already knew. When you’re feeling down… no matter what the reason… get moving! Whether it’s physical sickness or pain, or depression… find that glimmer of LIGHT, and follow it. Don’t stay in the dark. In this instance the “light” was going to the game. It was only a glimmer because I could think of all kinds of reasons not to go. And I didn’t have to see the whole event played out in my mind to make a decision… that is, I didn’t have to plan to stay for the whole game – just had to follow the light to get there. How long I stayed didn’t matter.

Ric does a lot to help me and keep me motivated… but he’s always afraid of pushing me too far… and it shouldn’t be his entire responsibility anyway to keep me going. I have to be self-motivated too, to seek out what is good for me. For any of us who are sick, other people will do what they can to help us… but some choices and decisions we have to make for ourselves. We can’t leave it up to someone else. We have to find that place within us that recognizes the Light… and follow it.

6/5/06 - Good News

Woke up at 4 this morning… my legs in tremendous pain. Couldn’t sleep even though I’d taken a sleeping pill. There aren’t very many of the pain pills in the bottle… and there are no refills. Do I keep taking them every four hours… or try to hold off till I scream? Will this pain last throughout the whole Taxol regimen? I’ll call the doctor when I get to work. Finally decide to take another pill… if I run out, I’ll deal with it later.

Good day at work… lots of energy. Pain came back really strong at about 1:00… but didn’t want to take pain meds because it makes me sleepy... and I had to drive home. Took another pill at home and then slept for a couple hours… pain woke me up again, but not as bad. Went back to sleep… uh-oh, slept for four hours… I’ll probably not sleep tonight!

Received a call back from Dr. Cohen. He told me the bone pain will likely last for only about three days… and if I run out of medication, he will prescribe more… so no worries.

Also heard from Dr. Covelli today regarding MRI and PET scan results. Good News! No other cancer found! What a relief.

Bald is Cool !!!

Received the most wonderful card in the mail today! From my neice and nephew Meg and Skip, Jr. in Pittsburgh. Skip has just a little hair, and as long as I’ve known him, has shaved the rest. A photo of Skip is pasted on the front of the card… and inside it says “Bald Is Cool!” I laughed out loud. And I must say, we do look a lot alike now.

6/4/06 - Symphony Sunday

Ah, I took the last Decadron for this round this morning… maybe I’ll sleep the whole night tonight. But now a new problem has set in… which I was warned could happen… bone pain. It’s in my legs and hips… just feels like it goes all the way through. It’s pretty bad. But then… I have a medication for it! One more gold bottle for my collection. I seem to always be writing about something that’s making me sick or in pain. I don’t like to complain… but it seems like I need to keep a record of all this. I’m not sure why… so I just write it down.

Although tired this morning… probably worn out from the emotional upheaval of yesterday… I woke up looking forward to the day. It’s Symphony Sunday… a day of music and entertainment on the riverbank lawn of the University of Charleston… an event Ric and I enjoy every year. We went to church first… in our work clothes… then straight to UC. What a beautiful day… sunshine, perfect temperature and a little breeze. In addition to the music, there’s always great food at Symphony Sunday… and Ric and I ate our way through the food of many cultures! Greek, Indian, Asian… and then a good ole chili dog and Ellen’s Ice Cream!

Later in the evening we were watching the Food Network on television… a program featuring many exotic cuisines… and what were we eating? Me… cold leftover pizza – Ric… potato chips and peanut butter cookies!

6/3/06 - The Crash

Went to work yesterday morning… the day after chemo! Yeah! I felt so great and was so glad to be able to go to work. I didn’t sleep much… guess the Decadron was still working on me. Been awake since 4 this morning… but I don’t feel so bad. Got to work and Jenny Murray was laughing at how fast I was typing and talking… said I was like a kid who had too much chocolate! I was moving fast… and hyper all morning. Ric said I got three days work done in one!

Went to the hospital to get the Neulasta injection. Started to feel a little tired when I left… thought it was because I hadn’t eaten anything yet today. Went home and ate warmed up mashed potatoes. Grew more and more tired… went to bed to take a nap… but couldn’t sleep… couldn’t even relax. Will this medication ever wear off?

Oh yes. It did. And I came crashing down. I cried and sobbed and couldn’t stop. I cried till my throat hurt and started to gag. Ric was scared, wanted to call the doctor… I begged him not to… and promised I would try to calm down. The harder I tried, the harder I cried… sometimes difficult to get my breath. I took an Ambien for sleep, but still cried uncontrollably for a long time. I guess eventually the sleeping pill took over. Woke up this morning and the crying started all over again. I was out of control. I knew I had to go to work… so I just kept trying to be calm. Nothing seemed to work. I still had enough wits about me to know that if I could only get up and out of bed… and start moving… I would recover. I didn’t know when… but I knew I would. Got up and took a shower… felt better… and went to work.

And I did do better for a while. Tears would fall every now and then. I would recover… focus about going on the air… and be fine. But then I had another breakdown. I left work for a short while… found a bench to sit on by the river… and peace found its way into me again. Thank you God for not leaving me… and for sitting me beside still waters… and restoring me to myself again. I went back to work… at peace… and with a lighter heart. I made it! It was a tough time… but I made it!

So… this must be one of the ways a drug addiction can get started. I can see how easily it can happen. Yesterday I was literally high… I felt wildly energetic… it was even funny at times! But today… as the medication wore off… I hit an all-time low. I do believe the depression I experienced last night and this morning was worse than the day I found out I had cancer. Yes, I can see how some people would want to go back to the drug that caused the high. But what a horrible roller-coaster… what a devastating cycle that would be. Not only hard on the emotions, but on the physical body as well. Never, never, never would I want this. However, I do need to recognize that it could happen again with the next treatment… but I will be prepared for it. I did not expect anything like this. I haven’t read about this high-low possibility after Taxol… I don’t recall anyone else relating this experience. I will definitely talk to the doctor about it. But knowing it may come again… will keep me on alert… it won’t take me by surprise the next time.

And I thought I was home-free when I felt so good yesterday… thought the rest of this chemo thing would be a breeze! I guess I still have a couple months to tough it out. But you know what? I believe that when it’s all over, I’ll forget how bad it’s been at times. I’ll likely think back and remember how many days I felt really good during chemo… and how I was able to work… and do so many other things during this time. I think, though, I’ll always be left with the essence of knowing I can survive a lot… and remember that God has been with me through it all. Today… the 23rd Psalm literally came alive for me. I was desperate… and definitely in the shadow of darkness… and He led me beside still waters… and restored my soul. Awesome!

6/1/06 - Chemo Day

Ric and I are at the David Lee Cancer Center now… I’m starting on my next four cycles of chemotherapy. Took massive doses of Decadron (a steroid) last night and early this morning to prevent an allergic reaction while taking Taxol today. Whenever I get this prescription filled I get just enough pills for the current treatment. I wondered to Ric why I don’t just get in one big bottle all that I’ll need until the treatment is finished… it would certainly be more convenient. Ric said this is a carefully regulated drug and they probably don’t want me to have extra lying around. And I said that it would be so much cheaper if I could get it all at once. And he said, “Sure, and you could retire on what you’d sell standing outside the YMCA!” Oooooh, that’s not nice.

Chemo started… always with a flush, then I received Zantac to protect my stomach… later I turned my head and felt a sort of dizziness, so asked what else I was getting. Benedryl, also to help avoid an allergic reaction. Must have been a big does, cause now I’m falling asleep. Awake again… here comes the Taxol… will start out very slowly… and monitor blood pressure carefully for the first hour.

First hour passed with no problems, so now the Taxol will be delivered “full speed ahead”… another hour or two to go. Ric and I go back and forth talking and reading. With every book I read, whenever I start a new chapter, I always look ahead to see how long it is… no matter whether it’s a book I’m not sure I want to finish reading or a book that is absolutely great… always gotta check the length of the chapter. I dunno… sometimes I just wonder why I do the things I do.

I’m hungry. Ric’s asleep. Next time, I’ll be by myself… gotta remember to bring some snacks and/or lunch… because this is a long treatment.

Velcro & The National Guard

I have a button to push if I need anything when the nurse is out of the room. Terry’s my nurse today. She was just in to check on me. Everything was perfectly fine… at the time. Seconds later the automatic blood pressure check starts. It pumps up, releases only slightly, pumps up again, releases only slightly again. Oh, this is beginning to hurt. Pumps up again, and it’s becoming a tourniquet! I push the button and Ric wakes up with a start and asks what’s happening. I said, “This thing’s just getting tighter and tighter.” Ric said, “Take it off!” Oh… it’s only Velcro. I pull it off, instead of continuing to just stare and it and wait for my arm to explode. At the same time Terry runs in and said the machine messed up. She’s followed by all the other nurses! And soon we’re all laughing.

I get along so well with the treatments that no one is used to me asking for or needing anything, so when I pushed the panic button, everyone came running. At least I know it works! But what an idiot… Velcro… just give it a tug and voila… instant release. (That’s the same stuff with which little Sophie’s shoes open and close.)

Ric said next time, ask him first, before I call in the National Guard.

“Cheers”… Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I know so many people at David Lee Cancer Center now… staff, nurses, patients. Gosh! Can it really be fun to go to chemo? Well, yes… it can. I was telling this to Ric… and he reminded me of when I first moved to Charleston 6 years ago… and would go places and never see anyone I knew… and sometimes lamented that no one knew my name. Now, I made friends before chemotherapy of course… but it’s pretty cool that one can continue to build friendships even under seemingly dire circumstances. There’s good in everything.

The Cookie Monster

Although I usually like to go to treatments by myself… it was fun for Ric and I to be together today. It was a new treatment today… so Ric likes to know how it will go… and make sure that I’ll be all right. We laughed a lot today. And it was good to share the experience. Ric also shared his sister’s homemade chocolate chip cookies with me. There are some advantages to receiving chemo… otherwise that little bag would have never come out in my presence! (Ric called me at home yesterday while he was on the air… and said there was the faint scent of chocolate in the studio… did I bring some of those cookies to work?)

Actually, Ric’s the most generous person I know… but when it comes to chocolate chip cookies…

Off to the Races!

I handwrote my journal entries for today while I was in the hospital, and before going to bed I was just going to handwrite one more entry… take an Ambien and go to bed, because I know I need my sleep, but I am so wired I can’t stand to write by hand because I can type so much faster, so I’ll retype my other entries tomorrow. I wasn’t this way earlier, but the longer I stay up the more wired and hyper I get. I’m thrilled that I’m not sick as usual after chemo. It’s usually all I can do to stay up to take my 8pm medicine, but now it’s 10:20 pm and I’m still wide, wide, wide awake… and I’ll take a pill for that in a minute, but first I just have to type. I know what’s causing this, but I can’t stop it. I usually take 4-8 mg of Decadron… but I took 20 mg at midnight and 20 more at 6 this morning, and then 4 more at 8 this evening. That last 4 must have sent me over the edge, cause I can’t stop talking. Ric and I were watching the news and I wanted to hear certain things but kept talking and giving my opinions even when I knew Ric was trying to hear what they were saying and even when I wanted to hear more, but I couldn’t stop. Ric’s eyes kept getting wider and wider… torn between trying to listen to the news, give his opinions on the news and what I was saying, and trying to keep from laughing at me. I just realized that when I type a lot of words incorrectly the spelling is correcting itself, well not every word, but many… I didn’t knkow that till now (see what I mean… not every word) because I’m typing even faster that ever and for the first time realized I don’t have to be perfectly perfect when I type, because this expensive computer is helping me out as I go. Who knew? Certainly not me… but I do now! Anyway… part of me wants to just stay up all night… and talk… and clean the house… and dance… and play the piano… heck, I’d even like to go for a walk… outside in the dark… hope some people still have their drapes open and lights on so I can look inside and see how their homes are decorated… come back home and finish painting the living room that our friend, Jay, has just finished priming all the walls… we don’t have the rest of the paint yet so I can’t (the “i” just got capitalized for me) so I couldn’t paint if I wanted to. Oh, I said I was torn between… here’s the between part… I know I need to get some sleep, cause I’m really excited about being able to go to work tomorrow… the day-after chemo… I haven’t been able to do that yet… but I can tomorrow because I’m not sick… but I need sleep… the part of my brain that’s still functioning reasonably knows that, but the hyped up on drugs – legal, prescribed drugs – me won’t let me oh my gosh I’m not e3ven making sense now and I don’t care I’ve got to stop typing but I can’t but I will… oh my this is the weirdest I’ve felt yet, what in the worl;d am I going to do? Get up out of this bed, take the sleeping pill and hope for a good night’s rest. Oh I might read for just a little while, I love (there went the I again… all by itself) to read. I’ll take the pill first, then that’ll force me to stop reading. Goodnight! I’ve never said goodnight to my jurnal before… I guess it was just one more reason to not have to stop yet…my fingers won’t stop… Is that some line out of a Steve Martin movie? I’ll correct all these typos tomorrow… no I won’t… it will be a record of the not-trying-to-be-perfect Jeanne. Who wants to be perfect anyway? I remember Leo Buscaglia once said he didn’t mind if people thought he was crazy, because that gave him tremendous latitude for his behavior. I like that! What fun you can have when you don’t care what people think! Never want to hurt people… just want to do what Ric said early in our relationship should be our motto for our relationship and our life… “Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching!”