6/6/06 - Light

Not feeling well at all today, extraordinarily tired… and more bone pain. It’s been so hard to get through the day. All I want to do is go home and take the pain medicine and curl up under the covers and sleep.

And that’s what I did. Just like I’ve done for several days… sleep. Ric and I talked earlier about going to the baseball game tonight. Part of me wants to… part of me wants to stay here in bed and sleep away the misery.

Just tossed the idea back and forth in my mind. I decided… decided… to call Ric and tell him to pick me up for the game. It wasn’t an easy decision. I really did feel bad. However the thought kept coming to me that even if I could stay for only ½ hour… it would be better than what I was doing. A half-hour of sunshine and being around people and in a fun atmosphere… would be a break in my day. We went to the game… and stayed for 2-1/2 hours! It felt so good being out in the fresh air. Yes, my legs still hurt… and I was still tired, even sleepy. But my focus was barely on those things. Instead I was breathing the air… watching people… eating hot dogs… laughing… and yes, watching the ball game.

I simply re-learned a lesson I already knew. When you’re feeling down… no matter what the reason… get moving! Whether it’s physical sickness or pain, or depression… find that glimmer of LIGHT, and follow it. Don’t stay in the dark. In this instance the “light” was going to the game. It was only a glimmer because I could think of all kinds of reasons not to go. And I didn’t have to see the whole event played out in my mind to make a decision… that is, I didn’t have to plan to stay for the whole game – just had to follow the light to get there. How long I stayed didn’t matter.

Ric does a lot to help me and keep me motivated… but he’s always afraid of pushing me too far… and it shouldn’t be his entire responsibility anyway to keep me going. I have to be self-motivated too, to seek out what is good for me. For any of us who are sick, other people will do what they can to help us… but some choices and decisions we have to make for ourselves. We can’t leave it up to someone else. We have to find that place within us that recognizes the Light… and follow it.