Went to work yesterday morning… the day after chemo! Yeah! I felt so great and was so glad to be able to go to work. I didn’t sleep much… guess the Decadron was still working on me. Been awake since 4 this morning… but I don’t feel so bad. Got to work and Jenny Murray was laughing at how fast I was typing and talking… said I was like a kid who had too much chocolate! I was moving fast… and hyper all morning. Ric said I got three days work done in one!
Went to the hospital to get the Neulasta injection. Started to feel a little tired when I left… thought it was because I hadn’t eaten anything yet today. Went home and ate warmed up mashed potatoes. Grew more and more tired… went to bed to take a nap… but couldn’t sleep… couldn’t even relax. Will this medication ever wear off?
Oh yes. It did. And I came crashing down. I cried and sobbed and couldn’t stop. I cried till my throat hurt and started to gag. Ric was scared, wanted to call the doctor… I begged him not to… and promised I would try to calm down. The harder I tried, the harder I cried… sometimes difficult to get my breath. I took an Ambien for sleep, but still cried uncontrollably for a long time. I guess eventually the sleeping pill took over. Woke up this morning and the crying started all over again. I was out of control. I knew I had to go to work… so I just kept trying to be calm. Nothing seemed to work. I still had enough wits about me to know that if I could only get up and out of bed… and start moving… I would recover. I didn’t know when… but I knew I would. Got up and took a shower… felt better… and went to work.
And I did do better for a while. Tears would fall every now and then. I would recover… focus about going on the air… and be fine. But then I had another breakdown. I left work for a short while… found a bench to sit on by the river… and peace found its way into me again. Thank you God for not leaving me… and for sitting me beside still waters… and restoring me to myself again. I went back to work… at peace… and with a lighter heart. I made it! It was a tough time… but I made it!
So… this must be one of the ways a drug addiction can get started. I can see how easily it can happen. Yesterday I was literally high… I felt wildly energetic… it was even funny at times! But today… as the medication wore off… I hit an all-time low. I do believe the depression I experienced last night and this morning was worse than the day I found out I had cancer. Yes, I can see how some people would want to go back to the drug that caused the high. But what a horrible roller-coaster… what a devastating cycle that would be. Not only hard on the emotions, but on the physical body as well. Never, never, never would I want this. However, I do need to recognize that it could happen again with the next treatment… but I will be prepared for it. I did not expect anything like this. I haven’t read about this high-low possibility after Taxol… I don’t recall anyone else relating this experience. I will definitely talk to the doctor about it. But knowing it may come again… will keep me on alert… it won’t take me by surprise the next time.
And I thought I was home-free when I felt so good yesterday… thought the rest of this chemo thing would be a breeze! I guess I still have a couple months to tough it out. But you know what? I believe that when it’s all over, I’ll forget how bad it’s been at times. I’ll likely think back and remember how many days I felt really good during chemo… and how I was able to work… and do so many other things during this time. I think, though, I’ll always be left with the essence of knowing I can survive a lot… and remember that God has been with me through it all. Today… the 23rd Psalm literally came alive for me. I was desperate… and definitely in the shadow of darkness… and He led me beside still waters… and restored my soul. Awesome!
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