Had to follow my own advice today – get up and go to work – don’t give in to the pain, but distract myself from it. (That Jeanne K… she thinks she knows it all… I can’t stand her. But my husband reminded me that just a few days ago, I really believed in what she said… so now I have to practice what I, uh, she… preached.)
Since I made my breast cancer diagnosis public, I’ve received lots of good tips and advice from people, who have made things easier for me. This information has come from people with experience with cancer, and people with simply good hearts and good intentions.
But sometimes I’m not sure of the motivation – probably well-intended, but just not well-received by me. Like someone who just met me and proceeded right away to tell me all kinds of things I’m doing wrong, and things I should be doing to prevent cancer in the future. He was so emphatic about some of it that I was beginning to feel stupid that I didn’t already know. Then I realized that I have read a lot to help myself through the healing process, and none of what I was hearing from this person made sense in light of my “education”… and I’ve carefully listened to all that my doctor and nurses have told me (they haven’t mentioned any of this stuff)… and I have some real reliable breast cancer survivors and spiritual friends who have given me good information and resources. Plus, I realized he wasn’t putting any of this advice into practice in his own life… so he must not have a whole-hearted belief in the information anyway. I realized this even before I saw him go outside for a smoke.
Here’s something else that bugs me. I expect people who have been through chemotherapy to know and remember certain things. Such as, a chemo patient’s white blood cell count can be low… and that person cannot shake hands or be hugged, because of the spread of germs through the hands. With a low WBC count, a person cannot fight off germs and could get a life-threatening infection. Also, some chemo drugs cause muscle and bone pain… which makes being touched severely painful. (I don’t expect anyone who’s NOT gone through chemo to know this… but people who have, should.)
A BCS (breast cancer survivor) grabbed me recently, hugged me, kept rubbing her hands up and down my arms… I kept backing up… she moved with me, continuing to rub my arms, and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. And there was the fear of germs and getting an infection. I can use hand-sanitizer after shaking hands, but she was rubbing me all over! I started to cry… and finally was able to move out of her reach and walk away. She called to me, “Young lady, you should take better care of yourself!”
Okay, both of these instances are out of the ordinary. Just writing them down relieves the frustration, but it also makes me aware that I’m much more emotionally fragile than I realize. I move along my days fairly happily… and in pretty good condition physically, in that I can still drive, work, shop, go out, laugh, hang out with friends, etc. Because of this, I think I’m pretty strong… but really I’m not that tough, either physically or mentally. Again, these are instances out of the ordinary – I’ve been extremely blessed with good wishes, helpful advice, tons of love, and hundreds of prayers. I just get angry sometimes, when I’m simply trying to make it through a difficult day… just trying to get through with a reasonably good attitude… and then someone tells me I’m doing it all wrong, or someone thwarts my best efforts to stay healthy. It makes be feel briefly like an idiot for getting cancer in the first place. I need to remember that isolated incidents are just that… and that irrational behavior is not about me, it’s about the other person.
God… help me to remember that everyone wants to help… but sometimes their ways are misguided… and sometimes they just don’t know what it’s like to be inside my body. Everyone means well… and tries to be part of my healing in the only way they can. I’ve been fortunate to have heard from or met tons of people who have made a tremendous and positive difference in my life these past several months. Help me to remember what I have learned during this time, and keep me from hurting someone in the future… and guide me to help in the ways I that can make a positive difference.
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