What a strange day this has been. I am grateful to have no pain or nausea today. But I am wondering what's going on in my brain. I feel disoriented and spacey. As Bodhi and I were walking this morning, in our neighborhood where I walk 2-3 times every day, I suddenly found myself walking in unfamiliar territory... or so it seemed. One part of my brain told me that I've walked on every street in this neighborhood and I had not suddenly been dropped somewhere else, and another part did not recognize where I was at all. I wasn't frightened... I listened to the part of my brain that said I've been here before... and before long, we rounded the corner, and there was the view of the city that I adore.
What was a bit frightening for a moment was the thought that I might now have brain damage! Good grief! Well, I can admit I'm not always functioning at the top of my game, chemo or not, but I quickly came to the conclusion that I'm experiencing the very real "chemo brain" side effect right now. I'm dealing with the cumulative effects of four rounds of strong chemotherapy drugs. This will pass. It's not permanent. It's a side effect. Okay, so there... I'm normal. LOL!!!
This morning I was puttering around the house, cleaning, organizing, moving around the folder with the paperwork to do our income taxes... trying to find a place for it where I would remember to do them, but get it out of plain view so that I would quit fretting over getting them done. As I was changing cat litter, I accidentally punctured a hole in the bag of new litter and it started pouring out all over the tiny space in the laundry room. So that job turned into a bigger one than I had planned... and I found myself quite tired. Amazing how little stamina I have now. Tried to see how many push-ups I could do. One.
I've been missing my Mom and Dad so much today. Last time I was dealing with cancer, we talked on the phone daily. Mom sent a card to me every single day while I was going through treatments. I know they're watching over me now, but I can't sense them with me. I feel like an abandoned little girl. I just want to be with them and laugh and feel their hugs and their love. I'm aching for the unconditional love of my parents. I'm aching to look into their eyes and tell them how very much I love them and appreciate all they have done for me. I'm aching to wrap my arms around those two loving, kind, precious people.
I've taken two long walks on this beautiful day with my dog. It felt good. I had to stop once to rest... seemed like a defeat. But I got up and kept going. The air felt good, the sunshine felt good, the blossoming trees and flowers were incredible. I'm sitting now at the computer, with the windows open and the fresh air pouring in. These things are holding me together today... and the One who provides them.
Jeanne, I am happy to learn that I am not the only one that longs for the safety of their parents. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and be a child again, living in the sancuary of their home. I miss my Daddy. He was so strong. I like to think of him as the trunk and us the branches. The trunk has been cut down, the branches are on their own. We are strong because he was strong. I can still call my Mother. I am thankful. She has alzheimers, so,she is not the same, but, she is still breathing and I enjoy just hearing her voice. I never feel short with her or agravated, just thankful she answers the phone. She can no longer find the words to express herself and it takes time...but, it does not matter. I'm thankful that she can talk. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone in your need for the comfort of your parents. Love you, Debra.
ReplyDeleteLove you Jeanne K. Stay strong. I know how it feels sometimes when we miss our parents. I know you did as I did and told them we love them and I am sure they knew. Their is a special place in our hearts and memories that no one can take away. Do you know how many people you touch each day? I love to hear your stories and your program. I miss you when you are not there. When I hear you Steve and Jenny everyday it feels like I know you all so well. you touch our lives every day.
ReplyDeletegod bless you jeanne k. i think about you and your journey often..and pray for you too..i've been missing my dad..he passed 5 years ago on march 29..but i believe he is watching over from above..like your parents are you..keep strong and keep the faith..becki
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to read your blog when you are having a difficult day like today has been. You are so loved and an incredible inspiration to so many people each and every day. Our God experienced a horrible death for you and me and I pray each day that he will wrap his loving, healing arms around you and restore your health. Much £0¥€ and many Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, every night when I see the stars I think of my wonderful, loving, funny Mom and every time I see a sunbeam I think of my handsome, smart, and kind Daddy. They are with me always as your parents are with you. Love never dies, it just changes form.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog and it is hitting home with my mother that lives in Myrtle Beach, she had Triple Negative Breast Cancer 2 yrs ago this month and she really had a rough time with it. Then last year still not up to herself from that she had a heart attack and they had to preform a Triple Bypass on her. I am getting ready to fly down the 8th of May to stay a week - when I left there last year she was in Open Heart Recovery - I didnt want to leave but I had to come back to work. I cried all the way to the North & South Carolina border. I have no family here except for my husband, his parent and the folks I work with. It is hard to have your only family that far away. I have seen some pictures of my mom since being released from the hospital last April and she has lost a tremendous amount of weight and has aged alot since. I want to spend so much time with her while I am there next month doing things she loves to do. My sister that lives there are going to have pictures taken on the beach with our mother and her only granddaughter. I have been counting down the days since I purchased my tickets with Spirit Airline - As of today I actually have 22 days left. It is so funny I call my mother everyday and when she answers the phone her greeting to me everytime is "well hello - only ?? days left". I always say I know Mom I cant wait to see you. I hope that all young people out there cherish their parents and grandparents, they live forever - I lost my Daddy 9 yrs ago from Cancer caused by Aging Orange in Vietnam and 2 yrs after my Daddy - I lost his mother (my Mamaw). I really enjoy reading your blog and I hope to meet with you someday. I am going to pull this up on the internet while at my mothers and let her read also. Hugs Tammy
ReplyDelete**cherish your parents and grandparents they dont live forever**
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