Thursday… chemo today… it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Didn’t get much sleep last night… now two nights in a row. Wish I was going into this treatment feeling better than I do. But really, I’m just tired… normal tired, nothing serious or unusual… so I’ll probably be just fine. I’ve got a new plan ready to go, with the medications. And I’ll likely sleep a lot tomorrow… so it may not be so bad. I need to get my head back to thinking more positively… but the reality is, chemo is not easy. At any rate… after today’s treatment, I’ll be half-way finished. Yeah! This is all really a lesson about life – sometimes we have to travel on some rough road to get where we want to be – and sometimes we have to travel some rough road to be able to truly help others. I’m reminded of a story about Ghandi, where a mother asked him to help her hyperactive son give up sugar so he would be healthier. Ghandi told her to come back in 3 months. Astonished and bewildered, she nevertheless did as he asked. When she and her son came back… Ghandi looked the young boy in the eyes and calmly described how good he would feel if he no longer ate sugar, giving him some very specific examples. The young boy’s eyes lit up… with understanding… and excitedly accepted Ghandi’s words… willing to change his eating habits. The mother thanked Ghandi, but asked him why it was necessary to have waited three months. Ghandi replied that first he himself had to know what it would be like to eat no sugar, and personally experience the benefits, in order to be able to honestly communicate with her son.
Ric… Gives me Life!
When I talked with Debby last night… she said she was beginning to think that she would never get to talk to me… both because of our missed phone calls to each other… plus having read my journal, she thought I was way too busy to ever catch at home! It did make me realize how active I have been able to be through all this. I must give credit to Ric. He goes out of his way to make sure we’re out and about… that we enjoy a “normal” life within reason… going out to eat… going to concerts… hanging out at the bookstore, etc. Because Ric and I are so close in all this, I sometimes miss seeing what’s right in my face. I’m aware that I’m lucky to be able to have my cancer treatments right here in Charleston, where I also live and work. What I take for granted are all the things Ric and I do together, that are just pure entertainment and fun… and lift my heart. Ric should write a book on what a caregiver can do! He was lost and bewildered at first… feeling so out of control because he couldn’t FIX anything… but has found his way to think of and do things that keep my heart happy! What a precious gift of real love.
Receiving Gifts…
Some sweet person (who’s apparently been reading my Journal) brought two bottles of cranberry juice… 100% cranberry juice… to the station today, in a beautiful gift bag, with a card saying she was praying, caring and thinking of me… unsigned. I don’t know who to thank… but I was grateful. I felt a bit guilty though… I don’t want people to think my journal is a request for things. I just write down what I’m feeling at the time… and the next day I often see things differently and move past a negative experience. However, I was still drinking the yucky cranberry juice cocktail, but now the real stuff is chilling in the fridge! Actually, I realized that people… including people I don’t even know… do care… and want to do something to make a difference in my life. I still need to learn the lesson of receiving… if I can’t receive the gift… the giver doesn’t get the pleasure of giving. (Plus… I will no doubt have countless opportunities to be the giver of gifts too.)
… and Love
Also, I have this strong belief that everything we do… good and bad… reverberates throughout the world… and becomes a part of our collective consciousness. So when we do something good for anybody… it actually serves everybody. I have many people who tell me that I’m doing a good thing by going public about my breast cancer, and even making this journal public… but the truth is everybody has a part in this whole experience… anyone who’s sent an e-mail, a card, a gift, flowers, food, said a prayer, or thought a good thought… recharges my batteries to keep going, and to keep sharing. And I’d like to believe that if people feel compelled to do good things for me… they will also feel compelled to do good things for anyone.
When I was just 14 years old, I saw Maya Angelou for the first time on TV… and she said “We are all capable of great good and great evil.” Those words have been with me ever since… and have greatly shaped my life. It made me realize that my life experience gave me an opportunity to make better choices… not everyone is really created equal.., and not everyone has an opportunity to make good choices. Many will disagree with me… there are people who can rise above adversity… I’ve done so many times in my life. But not everyone has somebody to look up to, someone to emulate, someone to let them know God is there for all his children. Everyone needs a little love. Especially the ones who are the most difficult to love.
Sometimes… often… we make the mistake of thinking love has to be earned… deserved. I know that’s why at times I have so much trouble receiving a compliment… or a gift… sometimes I even feel like I’m putting a burden on other people to pray for me. But it’s the idea we get that everything costs, everything has to be paid for. But merit has nothing to do with it. Otherwise we would love only saints. And again, everyone needs love.
Reminders
My new friend and BCS (breast cancer survivor) Sandy reminded me today, after reading my “Pothole” journal entry… that no matter what little thing I get obsessed with (like appearance issues)… I have the hope of tomorrow. I treasured those words… and will keep them in my heart to recall when I think things are tougher than they really are. She also said that I’m entitled to feel whatever I feel… I’m entitled to those feelings and have earned them. But like she said… I have the hope of tomorrow. She also asked me to play “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker for anyone that has had a bad hair day… or a no hair day! J
And an e-mail from another new friend who seems to intuitively know what scriptures will bring me peace at particular points in my journey… sent me this: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You.” –Isaiah 26:3. And… “Peace carries with it the idea of unity, completeness, rest, ease, and security. Notice the key phrase in that verse: whose mind is stayed on You. When troubles hit, our minds naturally focus on them. When suffering comes, all we can think about is the pain. It takes a deliberate act of the will to turn away from the problem and focus our minds on God. When our minds are stayed on God, we won’t be worried about the future, because we know it is in His hands. We won’t tremble over what might happen, because our lives are built upon the solid rock of Christ. – Rev. Billy Graham
And the Countdown Begins
Well, it’s nearly 7:00 now… and I still feel really good!
It’s 7:50 and I feel that puffy feeling around my eyes… weird, but that’s the first sensation I get that I’m starting to fade. Gonna try to stay up till 8:00… that’s when I’m scheduled to take medicine. Going to go ahead and take the Phenergan now… and try to keep ahead of the nausea as Dr. Cohen suggested.
7:45… really tired.
8:00… meds and to bed… not feeling real well, but not too bad either as compared to the other three times.
8:30… took the one more “just in case you need it” anti-nausea medicine. I’ve done all I can now, including drinking tons of water. Back to bed and hope for the best. I know you’re here with me, God… it’s a comfort.
Woke up several times to go to the bathroom… feeling slightly nauseous, but not bad.
2:15 am… woke up to go to the bathroom… I’m NOT SICK! I knew that my threshold of time to be sick had passed. Yeah! I’m going to make it through this night.
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