12/14/11 - Well, CRAP!

I promise to come up with better titles for my blog entries, but for now... well, crap!  I thought I was going to get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, but I landed on Boardwalk... and I didn't own it!  Crap!  Had surgery last Thursday to remove the cancerous lump, and a few lymph nodes were examined.  It appeared as though there was a tiny speck of cancer on one of the lymph nodes.  The full pathology report came back yesterday, and my doctor tells me that not only was there miniscule amounts of cancer in 3 of 4 lymph nodes, but that the margins of the tumor were broken in a small area.  So I go back to surgery tomorrow for another slice of breast tissue to be removed... OUCH!... and an axillary lymph node dissection will be performed, which means additional lymph nodes will be removed.  That's just what I was hoping would not happen.  I recall the lymph node surgery being quite difficult to recover from the last time, and quite painful.  However, I'm prepared for that this time, so I plan to deal with it with less fear.  Additionally, it will now be necessary to receive chemotherapy again, followed by radiation.  Another thing I was hoping to avoid this time around.  Again, I know what to expect, so I'll probably handle that better too.  My doctor told me I could wait until after the holidays to have the surgery if I wanted, but he could do it as earlier as Thursday.  At first I gasped at the thought of having surgery when I'm still bruised, sore and swollen from the last one.  Ric and I discussed it, and I realized I wanted ALL the cancer out of my body as soon as possible.  And as Ric pointed out, why wait until I'm completely healed and then start all over again.  So, I'm going to go for it.  Get 'er done!  (That's the first time I've ever used that phrase!)

The hardest part of this new development was telling my children, Danny and Jill, and telling Ric.  A funny thing happened while Ric and I were hugging each other and crying.  Our dog, Bodhi, starting barking at us.  So we paused to pat his head and tell him all would be okay.  I tried to stop crying, but then found myself just sobbing.  Then Bodhi let out this sad, agonizing, cry of his own.  Ric and I sat down on the bed beside him, and this 60 lb dog moved behind me and wrapped himself around me!  He held me that way for a while, and then he rubbed his head all over my back... it was like a awesome massage!  By this time, Ric and I were in awe and giggling at the same time.  I'm not sure how to interpret what happened, but it was very healing, and I haven't even felt the need to cry since then.

So, it was not the news I wanted to hear, and I kinda feel like I can't wake up from a bad dream right now.  Yet, I know I'm embarking on a journey... one that will be tough at times... but one that is bound to bring some delightful surprises.  At least that's what I learned from Bodhi... who was named before we got him... and which name means "the enlightened one."