12/28/11 - Hanging on by a Thread... is still hanging on!

Woke up this morning very tired after a long night of nightmares. Every step to get ready to go to the doctor and to work was met with fighting back tears.  My body is tired and in pain.  I am emotionally exhausted. What happened to my positive state of mind?  I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm a mess.

Stopped by Dr. Covelli's office this morning before work and got all the stitches out and got the drain taken out!  Man, I have some scars!  The scars from five years ago are barely visible now, so these new ones will fade too.  Of course, what does it matter?  The surgeries saved my life!

I thought it would be a complete relief to have the drain out, but it still feels like I have a block under my arm and the sensation that my arm has been burned is still there.  That's a result of the muscles being cut and the surgery irritating the nerves.  That will resolve itself over a period of time.  I also have swelling in my breast, under my arm, and around the corner in my back.  It's pretty painful.  Went online to the American Cancer Society website and found that using an ice pack is the best treatment and drinking lots of water will help reduce the swelling as well.  So I'm using my ice packs that I keep in the studio at work and at home, and am downing the water!

After work, I ran a few errands, did a few chores, and then cried.  And cried.  And cried.  This is not the state of mind I want to be in!  I have no idea why I'm so depressed.  The two surgeries have removed all the cancer.  The chemo and radiation ahead is just "clean up" work.  I'm not afraid of the treatments.  The stitches and drain out today.  Plus, so many folks have stepped up in a multitude of ways to help us, from raking leaves to sending helpful gifts and there has been a constant stream of people at our door delivering food.  Ric and I have been well taken care of and well fed... and loved and prayed for.  Yet, I cry.  I'm tired.  So very tired.  And worry creeps in... if I'm so tired now, how am I going to deal with chemo?  Ric tried to help me.  I know he was confused, unsure what to do.  I told him that just because I was crying didn't mean he had to DO something.  He walked away and let me cry... probably so difficult for him... but the best thing he could do for me at the time.  I NEED my crying time... it will NOT last... I will MOVE thru the emotional difficulties... but I need my crying time... and a truck load of tissues.

Good friends came by later with food in hand!  Encouraged me to come to a party for a mutual friend tomorrow evening.  After they left, Ric and I took our homemade chicken pot pies into the family room and watched the basketball game.  Love our Mountaineers!  A happy ending to the day!