1/18/12 - Pregnant Pauses

Prayer Quilt

My first chemotherapy treatment is tomorrow.  It popped up on my Google calendar today.

I'm a little excited!  I get to sit in a comfortable chair tomorrow for 5 hours and read, study Spanish, play games on my iPhone.  If I need anything someone will bring it to me!  Cool way to spend an afternoon, right?  Then, why do I have these periodic pauses in my day, where my heart beats faster and I get a little lump in my throat?  Perhaps it's the memory of the chemo nurses, covering themselves with headgear and masks and gloves and special outer protective clothing  before they inject toxic chemicals into my bloodstream.  Maybe it's knowing that despite feeling like I could jump high in the air and do a split right now, by tomorrow evening, I could be hanging my head over the toilet and keeping a bucket beside my bed.  Or maybe, it's the memory of waking up Ric with my screams from the bone pain that comes from one of the chemo drugs. 

Ah!  I just remembered what someone told me five years ago... "Chemo is hard... but it's doable."  Yes, she was right.  I hung onto that phrase the last time.  That, and "Temporary."  Yes, this is doable and it's only temporary.  I will survive the cancer... and the treatment!

Except for those infrequent pregnant pauses, I really do feel great right now.  I'm out of pain, well-rested, strong and by golly... I'm emotionally stable!  I quickly dismiss those moments of fear by reminding myself that not only will I be strong and healthy when the treatments are all over... I am strong and healthy NOW!  Yes... underneath the sickness and pain will be the body of a tough and vibrant woman, clawing her way back to the top.  It'll be fairly easy too, as I'll have this smooth sleek shiny aero-dynamic head with which to propel myself through the muck!

Prayer Shawl

Also adding to my (mostly) comfort level:  I went to David Lee Cancer Center (hereafter DLCC) yesterday for pre-chemo lab work.  It was the first time for my newly inserted port to be used.  Ah, I love my port!  Felt no stick... there's was no jabbing around to find a good vein... and I couldn't see the blood.  It was well worth the little surgery to have the port, knowing there's a lot of sticking coming up in the next several months, not to mention the main reason to have a port - to protect the veins.  Love my port... love my nurses, Linda and Karen, at DLCC.  Already packed in my chemo bag for tomorrow, is a prayer quilt and a prayer shawl to keep me warm (in more ways than one).  It's all going to be okay!