1/25/12 - A Difficult Day

Really, really tough start to this day.  My face is numb, yet hurts... my mouth is burning.  Extremely restless sleep last night, with disturbing dreams.  My body aches all over, especially my upper back and neck.  There is no comfortable position in which to sleep.  I did not expect this set-back.  I seriously debated about whether to go to work today.  I decided to push through.  This is only my first chemo treatment!  It's likely going to be more difficult with each upcoming treatment.  I can't give in now!  I'm aware it's a fine line between pushing through and pushing too far... I'm trying to make the best decision.

I'm at work now, and thought I was starting to feel better, but now I'm fading again.  Jeff told me that I'm free to leave early today, and I may end up doing that.  But for now, I'm going to keep pushing... and see what happens.

...

As the day progresses, I continue to feel worse.  Headache has set in, and I am so tired, it's hard to keep my head up and my eyes open.  I'm making mistakes on the air... it's difficult to form my words, because my face feels so numb.  I will leave work an hour early today... go home and go to bed.  Hope for better tomorrow.

...

Left work in tears because I felt so bad, and was so discouraged and disappointed. Came home and went to bed.  Slept for 3-1/2 hours.  I woke up feeling like I had rested, but could not move.  As I lay awake, the burning/numbness/aching started to overcome me again.  It's been almost two weeks since chemo... I should feel better than this... no, almost one week... I don't know... I can't remember how long it's been.  Do I have chemo next week?!  How will I do it?  No, two weeks away.  Fear overcame me.  What if I can't do it this time?  I'm scared.  I'm crying.  Crying.  I'm scared!  Ric comes running in the bedroom.  He comforts me.  I start to be aware again of where I am.  I sit up and Ric helps me to calm down.  He asks me how I feel and I try to describe these strange physical feelings.  I can't find the words.  He asks me if I've taken any pain medication.  No.  No, this isn't the kind of pain to take medication for.  Ric tells me that pain is pain... the doctor prescribed it for me for good reasons.  I thought I was supposed to wait for the bone pain that I had last time... I hadn't thought I could or should use pain meds for what I've been experiencing today.  With family members who have long been dealing with addiction, I have a tremendous fear of over-using medication.  My doctor and I had a long talk about use of pain medications and he assured me that I will not become addicted.  I worry that the use of the medication will affect my ability to think and talk.  Now I look back at my day and realize that was happening without the use of medication.  Ric and my doctor are right... I need the medication, and it will work to my benefit to take it.  I also knew I needed to get out of the bed and MOVE.  Sitting there was keeping me too much into myself.  I learned last time how important it was to move, and now I need to just do it!  Took the medication, went downstairs with Ric, ate a little bit, watched some TV and felt better.  Not terrific, but a little better. 

The lesson for today is not profound, but one I need to keep in the forefront of my mind as I manage the effects of chemotherapy:

Don't be afraid of the medicines to control side effects.  Trust those who are taking care of me.  Use what I need.  When I no long need it, I will not want it.  I am a vibrant, healthy woman, who has a temporary change of pace.  Nothing can change who I am.