1/6/12 - Where Did I Go?

I don't feel like myself anymore.  I slept thru my alarm for over 30 minutes this morning, and even when I finally woke up to the sound of the radio, I still didn't realize I needed to get up and just pushed snooze, 4 or 5 more times.  When I noticed it was daylight, I "came to."  I'm aware I've been extremely tired, and thought it was because I had two surgeries in a week's time... but it's been 3 weeks since my last surgery!  Anyway, got up and moved as fast as I could.  Got to work, encountered a problem, and now I'm trying to stop crying and pull myself together.  I thought I would breeze thru everything this time around.  My cancer stage is even lower than last time.  What's wrong with me?  I don't even feel like me this morning.  I really don't recognize myself.  I'm even a little scared.  What is going on?  I have a half hour to pull myself together before going on the air.  I always feel better then... yes... in a half hour, I'll probably be okay.

Phone rings... it's Ric calling from Pittsburgh, because of my poor-me text I sent to him.  He told me to let everything go and just remember that God is with me in this and holding me tight.  He also told me to be sure to smile at other people I see today, and maybe tell them something nice.  (I do that anyway, but I think he's guiding me to focus less on myself right now... which is good.)

A little later, I received this email from Ric:

Come here to me sister... I will pull you close and you will sense my humanness... And my Godliness.

I am your brother, and I am your father.

I am your friend and I am in you always.

I am weeping real tears with you, for your tears, are my tears.

The cloudiness of the day is on the verge of lightening. It always is soon to be brightening!

If it should seem too long and unbearable,

blink once, and I have blinked with you.

Breathe once, and there too am I, expanding our lungs and drawing in the the essence of our human sustenance.

But, close your eyes and quiet your mind...in that space, you and I are one love, one life, already basking in the brightest of lights!

We break bread, we laugh out loud, we weep over our losses and celebrate our victories!

I entered this place, beloved, as you twitched and turned in the womb of our sister.

I was there as you offered your own womb as an entrance for our growing family!

I was there in every struggle, all strife, the ever changing and rearranging of your temporary life...as I am now, and will surely always be.

I will be your eyes as you choose, your thought when you call on me, and I will walk with you hand-in-hand into your peace and eternal glory... If need be, I will carry you.

I am always so pleased when you think of me. It humbles me beyond belief that, in all we have walked through together, you still hold me in your soul... That you sense my love, and know that I am always next to you. No... Within you, in this breath, in this day, in our pain, and especially in our celebration!

I did not come to stand apart from your suffering. No, we came to this world, (this imperfect realm), together,

to face imperfection head on!

We are discovering the truth of this place and its darkness, while all the time keeping our eyes on the perfect, infinite love-light that is forever whispering;

Daughter Jeanne...

"Here... Sweet one...

I am. right here"!

He loves us so much!

(...let's go tell someone who doesn't know!)

With Light and Love,

Your brother,

Jesus

BTW, I had a feeling after reading it through again that Ric wrote this, so I emailed him back and asked him.  He said, "I prayed for you and asked for a word for you. This is what I got. I looked for inspirational quotes and couldn't find any that I liked, so, I prayed and asked God to use me. This is what he said. That's why I told you to read it over again. He really loves you!!"