He thinks he’s not able to do enough to help, but he’s providing ALL – all the support I need from him.
Last night when I was violently throwing up – he was right there in the bathroom with me, so I wouldn’t be so afraid. (And it was scary – I’d never vomited so forcefully before.) Then a bit later when we were sitting on the edge of the bed, Ric reminded me that this was temporary, just part of the journey and a bump in the road. To me the word “temporary” was huge! I was sitting there wondering how I could do this for weeks and months. All I had read about the side-effects that would come and go went completely out of my head – at that moment, as sick as I was, all I could think was this is what chemo is like, period. When Ric said “temporary” I could suddenly bear it… I knew it would pass.
What Ric doesn’t realize is how important it is to me that I can count on him to be there for me. (I count on him so much… I know I take it for granted most of the time.) He’s educated himself on what he needs to know about this disease, and when I’m unable to recall what I know, he reminds me – then my feelings and attitude change, and I feel better again.
When we say someone is “always there for me” it’s hard to find the words to describe exactly what that means. For me, it means being able to count on Ric, his intelligence, sense of humor, love and devotion to me, consistently providing what I need at various times, backing off when I tell him he’s hovering too much, to allow me to feel some much needed control.
Actually, although neither he nor I realized it at the time… in the 6 years Ric and I have been together, he’s been helping my faith to grow, in new ways, that are carrying me thru this time. It’s a difficult time, of course, in many ways… but right now I can see it as “growing pains.” I will come thru this a wiser, more compassionate, life-loving person – and so will Ric, my children and anyone else who has joined me on this ride. Thanks Ric!
Each in Their Own Way
The support we’re getting is so great. And yet so many people feel like they’re not doing much to help. But they are… each in their own way.
“For as in one body we have many members, and not all the members have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually we are members of one another. We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us; prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness.”
- Romans 12:4-8
My daughter keeps wanting to do more… she works, has two little girls, lives 1-1/2 hours away… but sent me a “goody box” yesterday… filled with all kinds of stuff I’ll need. Today I was feeling a bit nauseous, took out one of the sugar-free candies, put it in my mouth, and the nausea went away. Now that’s help!
Dave at work took the time to select a lap top computer that I can use at home. I’ll be able to do some work on the station website from home, but mostly I can keep my Journal directly in the computer instead of handwriting first. This will save a lot of time. Choosing a computer for my particular needs is something Dave can do well… and Ric and I just don’t have the time or energy or expertise to search it out. This was a huge help.
The neighbors brought dinner last night. A friend gave me a necklace that I wore to chemo yesterday as a sign of friendship and caring. The emails and cards – every word someone has written or spoken to me has had impact on my healing. Everything matters.
I don’t ask for anymore than prayers for myself and my family. And even then I just ask that people pray in their own way – in a way that we connect with each other. For example, my co-worker Cher understands proper diet and fitness, so I asked her to be my “health angel” and pray that I find the ways to eat right and exercise in a way that works for me at this particular time.
No one should feel an obligation to do things for us… but for those who want to do something… I just want them to do what’s “doable” for that person. Everyone is doing enough. I don’t expect anything. Everything’s a GIFT.
Where Are You, God?
Oh God, I’m so sick again. Where are you? Did you forget about me? I can’t see you. Why is it so hard to have a relationship with you? Why can’t I just open my eyes and see you? I just did, and you aren’t here! I’m so sick. I need you. I’m going to open my eyes again. Please be here. I see the ceiling that Susi and Skip came down from Pittsburgh to paint, the blue walls – they did this to make this bedroom a peaceful place for me if I should have to spend a lot of time in here. You are here – in the people surrounding me with love, in all sorts of ways. Thank you for being right here.
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