7/31/06 - Radiation Step 2

Had a CAT scan today to prepare for radiation therapy. Ooooh, it was cold in the room, but warm friendly technicians. An IV was inserted for contrast solution to be injected. The doctor came in and marked the area on my chest to be scanned with a very fancy, hi-tech pen…a “Sharpie”. Next I had to put both arms over my head and hold onto a bar… and remain that way, without moving, throughout the scan, and for a short time afterwards. Just before the scan, the nurse told me that when the contrast fluid would be injected, I might be able to taste it in my throat, and I might feel warmth in my bladder. Yep… tasted it in my throat first, then the “warmth” in the bladder – what a shock! It felt warm all right, but also wet. I thought, oh no, what if it really is? I couldn’t stop the feeling. I had visions of calling Ric at work and telling him to stop whatever he was doing and bring me fresh clothes. Soon the scan was over and the “warm” feeling was starting to go away. And it turns out it was, in fact, warmth only. Whew! After the scan one of the nurses gave me three tattoos… one was a heart, one was a rose, and the other a snake. Okay, not really. Three teeny, tiny little dots. (The tattoo dots are placed to make certain the area to be radiated is lined up in the same position as the plan mapped out from the CAT scan.) Then the other nurse took pictures from each side. The IV then came out. Was told to drink lots and lots of water for the next 48 hours to get the contrast fluid out of my body. I’ll be called in about a week, after the radiation plan is mapped out.

It Strikes Again

Found out that a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, and is facing a possible mastectomy. Just before calling her, I thought, “What will I say? What can I say other than ‘I’m so sorry’?” You’d think since I’ve been through my own ordeal with breast cancer I’d be ready with wonderful words of wisdom. Yet I still worried about what to say. I decided not to think, and just call.

Turned out, of course, that I didn’t have to offer words of wisdom. I just needed to be with her, answer questions (what I could), and share my experience. And tell her I’m there for her. That’s all. (If the intentions are right, if there is love and caring, God supplies the words.)

Jennifer is 10 years younger than me. I’m amazed at the courage she already displays. August 11 is her surgery. She already knows it’s cancer. (I didn’t know for sure until after the lumpectomy.) I don’t know which is more difficult… not knowing, or knowing. I suppose neither is worse, just a different kind of anxiety. In any case, God is already there!

7/30/06 - Saturday

Painted in the living room today. Tired quickly. Took a shower and rested. Ran some errands. Came back home and painted some more… got a lot done this time. Sometimes I tire so easily and suddenly, and sometimes I have lots of energy. All in the same day.

We saw a friend this evening, who had unexpectedly lost a job where she had worked for over 20 years. Such a heartbreak. Sudden and abrupt changes are so traumatic. So difficult for us to understand. And it’s hard to believe “when one door closes, another one opens.” My friend knows in her heart that this is true, but is still hurting and in shock. She knows God is with her, even and especially through this pain. Her family and friends are with her too… and lots of prayers.

Sunday

Went to church this morning. Always park in the back parking lot, and there’s a long hallway to the front to enter the sanctuary. I found myself walking briskly down that hallway and realized it was the first time in months that I was walking like my old self. It felt great!

Ran some errands in the afternoon. The heat made me tired. So, I still haven’t regained all my energy… but it’s coming!

I changed into old clothes to paint, but that’s as far as I got. Spent the rest of the day being lazy, reading, and brushing the cats.

7/28/06 - Vacation Day 4

It’s Friday already… the last day of vacation together. I’m going to miss my little girls. Still have most of the day though… so let’s enjoy!

I fixed breakfast, then brunch… then we went out to lunch – Tierra and Sophie were hungry today! After lunch we went back to B-A-M… they love going there. Tierra pretends like she’s the mom dropping Sophie off at daycare… and I’m the babysitter. (Not to be conceited, but my daycare has more books than any other, and a nice selection of educational toys too.) Next we had to make a trip to Target… for pajamas and an outfit for each of my girls. Then sunglasses on all and back up I-77 to Vienna to see mom and dad.

Daniel and Jill are making a video of the family and the area to send to his mom in Mexico. When they put the camera on me it was like I forgot every word I’d learned in Spanish. Then I couldn’t even think of what to say in English. So I just told Daniel what I would like to say to her, and he translated.

Soon it was time to leave. I almost cried when I left the girls, but tried not to. I got stuck in traffic on the interstate on the way home. After about two hours of not moving, I looked behind me where they had been in their car seats the past few days, and did start to cry. Of course, it would not have been good to have been stuck in traffic with two little kids… especially since it ended up being over 3 hours altogether.

As to the accident on I-77, traffic was shut down in both directions. I had been stopped for about 15 minutes thinking I was going to miss the Lighthouse Café at our church, where Ric was singing… when I realized I was only being inconvenienced, and my life would not change because of this… but someone may have died in the accident that had shut down the interstate. The lives of their family would be forever changed. With Tierra and Sophie, I had witnessed spontaneous kindness and generosity between them… and watched them do the right thing without even thinking. But it took me 15 minutes to even think to do the right thing – which was to pray for the accident victims and their families. That’s why Jesus said we were to be like little children!

When I got home I kept seeing little signs of Tierra and Sophie, which made me miss them so much… a little piece of paper with Tierra’s handwriting, Sophie’s little stool in front of the bathroom sink, three pillows lined up on the bed, the little blue octopus we used to give each other massages… I love them so much. I didn’t think I would get this time with them because of chemo, radiation and all, so I’m really grateful that we had these few days together… it was a gift!

7/27/06 - Vacation Day 3

This would have been a chemo day… had I not finished two weeks ago! This was the day for me to really feel like I was finished with the treatments. I had a little celebration in my head. The worst of the side effects are over now… and I can expect to feel better and better each day.

We went to the Huntington Mall today. Tierra had won a gift certificate for Borders from school for accelerated reading… so we went to spend it! Ate lunch at McDonalds. It was a newly remodeled McDonalds… partitioned off in little private sections. An older gentleman came over to exclaim over my beautiful granddaughters… and also said that he didn’t like the new McDonalds – you couldn’t look around and see who was there! I realized once again that many people come to public places not so much to get something to eat, as to mingle and chat with other folks.

We went to a toy store before we left… Tierra got a cute little baby doll, with all the fixings… clothes, little bed and pillow, bottle, etc.

Stopped at Kroger on the way home for more milk… I had underestimated the amount of milk required for two growing little girls.

We came home and just had “family time”… playing with toys, talking, laughing, singing and dancing, snacking, trying to catch the cats (who by the way have been making themselves very scarce)… just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.

I became really tired this evening though… realized my physical self was still not what it used to be. I really appreciated Tierra’s help with Sophie… she’s so caring with her. It’s really remarkable how well they get along.

Eventually we went to bed, massaged and giggled ourselves into relaxation… lights out… quiet… then…

“♪♫D-O-R-O-T-H-Y
Doro-thy the Dino-saur♪♫”

I laughed and then said to Tierra, “I thought we turned that off.” She said, “I turned it back on so we could have some more family time.”

7/26/06 - Vacation Day 2

I made breakfast for the girls… took it in to the table by the window. Sophie was ready… wearing nightgown, sandals and sunglasses! After breakfast, the girls put on a kid’s music and dance video. They were singing and dancing to “Blue Suede Shoes”… Papa Ric came into the room and starting singing along. Tierra’s eyes and mouth grew bigger and bigger as he finished the song… I think she was quite surprised that he knew all the words to this new song made just for kids in 2006!

We went to the Clay Center to see Dorothy the Dinosaur. It was fun. V100 had a Milk & Cookies gathering after the performance. Tierra saved her appetite for Taco Bell. But not Sophie… before I realized it she had eaten three cookies. She was then just a little hyper. We all worked off some energy at the Gizmo Factory in the Clay Center. Unfortunately for me, I had less energy to spare than the girls.

We came back home and watched the Care Bear movie, and Tierra and Sophie danced to some more videos. I love watching them sing and dance!

In the evening Sophie showed her little toy from the Clay Center to Papa. It was a flashlight-type toy, with little lights inside of different colors that would spin around and light up when you pushed a button. Papa put the light under his chin and made scary sounds, which sent both girls screaming and giggling, hiding their heads under pillows on the sofa. Then we turned out all the lights so that it became even scarier! More screaming and squealing. I eventually left them to their fun and went downstairs to finish up some laundry. When I came out of the laundry room door, hands were up in the air at my face and a mean ole lady scared me! I screamed! She laughed out loud! The “mean ole lady” was my sweet little Tierra! She said, “It wasn’t my fault… Papa made me do it!”

We all calmed down… just a bit… and went to bed. Sophie took her little Dorothy the Dinosaur to bed. After our massages, Sophie put Dorothy under her belly, lights were turned out, and we began to drift off to sleep. Sophie would make little moves in her sleep that would accidentally push the button that made Dorothy sing. I tried not to laugh, and I could her muffled little laughs from Tierra. We eventually just giggled out loud, and then Tierra found the button to turn off Dorothy for the night.

7/25/06 - Vacation Day 1

Appointment with Dr. Covelli – everything A-OK. When radiation over, and he gets the okay from the oncologist, the port in my chest will be removed.

After the appointment, Jill, Tierra, Sophie and I had lunch at Applebee’s. Tierra sounded so grown-up in the way she joined in the conversation. And she’s only seven! After lunch it was just Grandma and granddaughters.

Tierra brought several DVD’s… and she and Sophie danced to children’s music. It was so cute.

We went to the bookstore in the evening. Tierra loves to read and is such a good reader… above her grade level. Sophie kept bringing me things… books (especially ones that also had little buttons with sound effects), puppets, and toys.

I made dinner for the girls… macaroni and tuna with cheese… okay… it was Tuna Helper. But they ate almost the entire thing!

The three of us slept in our queen-size bed… big pillows for Tierra and I and a little one for Sophie. It has been a tradition with Tierra and I to give each other back massages with the “Blue Octopus” (a gift from Jill a few Christmases ago) before we go to sleep. So Sophie received her first relaxing, rejuvenating, pampering massage… and Tierra and I received our giggling massage from Sophie.

Believe it or not, we actually do fall asleep fairly quickly after all that!

7/24/06 - Radiation - First Step

Met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Plants, today. Really nice person. He spent a long time informing me of how things work, how it will go, what to expect.

Like other women have told me, side effects will be nothing like chemo. The two most common are redness and possible light irritation to the treated skin, much like a sunburn… and fatigue. Radiation is to begin 4-6 weeks after the last chemo (rather than 3 weeks)… the body needs time to recover from the chemo treatments.

There will be 33 treatments after all the “pre-work” is done. Next Monday will be a CT scan – from that the doctor will plan how to direct the radiation. It takes about a week to map out the plan. Then there will be a simulation to further plan the radiation therapy so that the target area is precisely located and marked. When that’s done, the radiation treatments begin… five days a week for 6 weeks.

Radiation works by targeting any possible cancer cells/tumors that can’t be seen. It also, in the process, kills normal cells… but since those cells are healthy, they will repair themselves daily! Any abnormal/cancer cells cannot repair themselves. (The body uses a lot of energy to repair the normal cells… thus, the fatigue.)

When radiation treatments are finished, all the side effects should disappear in about a month. From then on, I can start getting back in shape and back to “normal”… kinda… there will be many follow-up appointments, mammograms, etc.

Check-up with Dr. Covelli (surgeon) tomorrow… then I’m really on vacation!

7/23/06b - What's Really Important?

It’s late. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about the scene at the bookstore. That little family… who should have been talking, laughing, enjoying each other… but were farther apart than strangers. What was I supposed to learn from them… from my anger and outrage at observing them? I know God will reveal what he wants me to know… just as soon as I’m ready to open my mind, and let him come in. But I think I’m afraid to know. I want to wait till tomorrow, or the next day… but I can’t sleep now… I think he’s telling me there’s no need to wait. No need to be scared, because I’m his child… and he loves me… and wants me to be happy! Okay, God I’m ready to listen.

There are so many things in my life that are not perfect, and things that make me angry… things over which I have no control, and can do nothing about. And I like to be in control… or not so much in control, but to feel secure.

So, I look for a place to put my anger. Sometimes at the “jerk” who cut in front of me in traffic. And sometimes at the loving person closest to me… like my husband.

Sometimes it’s not even really anger… it’s sadness or regret… or worry over things I cannot change. It ends up making me feel uneasy… and sometimes turns into anger.

When we look for something, we find it! So I find some little thing to be angry about. Let it simmer. And soon I’ve assumed enough about the situation to make a complete scenario to fully justify the anger. And sometimes it’s not a little thing… but something that really does seem to justify anger… but I only see it from my point of view.

All that really matters in our lives are our relationships. Financial troubles and material things come and go. Of course material things that we treasure, are treasured because of the memory they prompt us to recall… of a relationship. (The beautifully finished wooden box that sits on my piano that Danny made for me when he was in high school… the sock snowman that I get out every Christmas that Jill made when she was little… the “birthday rock” my Mom and Dad gave me one year… the dried roses in a vase from the first bouquet Ric gave to me, and ticket stubs from an event we enjoyed together… all bring back memories of another time… time spent with people I love.)

That’s it! What we most want to do is share our love, our recollections, our hopes for the future… laugh together… and keep making new memories and special moments… instead of worrying about things we can’t change. We can only do the best we can with those things, and take them a step at a time. Otherwise we waste precious hours, months, or years. Why not spend our days finding ways to preserve important relationships?

PRESERVE OUR RELATIONSHIPS. Don’t look for more reasons to be angry… instead take the time to see things differently. Differently… from another perspective. Find a reason to understand… and keep loving. Relationships… that’s all we need… all that matters. Preserve them at all costs.

It may not always be easy to know how to do that, but it may help to remember the bookstore café scene… and think… where am I in this particular situation? Am I being the selfish son, the indifferent daughter-in-law, the old lady who feels broken and disillusioned? How can I be the compassionate nurse?

God, help me to always recognize a relationship that is worth saving, worth rising above my selfish pride, worth taking the time to nurture. Guide me to reach beyond my feelings of helplessness and make changes in myself that make me more loving and give me peace of mind. Remind me that there’s always another perspective from which to see things. Make me less self centered and more ready to find what I can do to befriend or to be kind to someone today. Let me not forget that we all suffer when we quit caring.

7/23/06a - Angels

Ric and I went to lunch and then to the bookstore in Huntington Mall this afternoon. Had a good time. Laughed, as we recalled how on Friday night our good friend Matt did impersonations of each of us in our “DJ mode.” Hilarious! (And eye-opening!) I laughed till my side hurt!

As we were reading, I noticed a man about our age, coming into the café with an elderly lady, who was walking with a cane. No doubt a son on an outing with his mother. How nice! She sat down at the table and he left to get them something to drink. I continued reading… then noticed some time later that she was still sitting at the table… alone. Looked at the café register, but didn’t see the man who came with her. I looked back at her and noticed that, like me, she had no eye lashes. I felt bad knowing that it was because of old age that she had none… and even worse when I realized how sad her eyes themselves were. There she sat, alone, just staring. I wondered where her son had gone, and just then he came back. Not with drinks in each hand for the two of them… but with a bag of books and magazines for him. He sat down at the table, pulled a magazine out of the bag, turned his chair to the side, opened up and starting reading. There was no conversation. His mother looked at him, eyes hopeful for a minute, then just simply sad again. She stared again… in a new direction. I started to feel anger. He’s probably thinking he’s treating his mom to a nice day, and oh by the way, picking up a few books he’s been wanting. How convenient.

Yes, I was staring too… at them. I prayed also. What should I do, God? Should I go talk to her, offer to get her something to drink? No, I’m not to interfere or intervene.

I prayed the man would talk to her, look her way… it was only across the table.

Soon a lady showed up. The daughter-in-law? She looks nice. Oh, good… someone who will talk to her. And she did… just a few words, then looked to the man. The young woman pulled the chair that was next to the older woman, around to the side of the table next to her husband… and sat next to him. She showed him a picture in a magazine and made hand gestures that indicated “this is how we could do the drapes in our living room…” (By now I was thinking she might have even said, “…in the house after Mother dies.”) The young woman left and the man went back to his magazine. And the older lady resumed staring here and there, occasionally at her son across the table, yearning for a word, or just a glance from him. But nothing.

Even though her eyes were sad, they weren’t empty. I could see life in her. She’s just waiting to laugh, recall a fond memory, re-live a great time from her past. Why can’t I go over there and ask her about her life? It’s not me she wants.

The young woman comes back, reaches a hand out to “Mom,” who picks up her cane with the other hand. The young women nods to the man… and without one word, they all walk out together.

My mind is racing with anger. Will the couple retire for the night and say… “It was good to get Mom out for the day. I hope she appreciates that we gave up our entire day so that she could have a good time. I don’t think she does though. And why did your mother talk on the way home about that ‘sweet little Sarah’? She’s just a nurse for heaven’s sake. We’re her family!”

I’m manufacturing the thoughts and words among the three people. I don’t really know either the relationships between them or the thoughts and feelings any of them had. But the SCENE was played out before me. That was real. Was it played out for me? For what reason?

The obvious reason would be to remember the outrage I felt about what just happened, and never to do it myself… or to tell others what I saw, so they too could be outraged with me. But that’s not it.

There’s something God is giving me an opportunity to realize about my life. Am I the “son”? The “daughter-in-law”? The “old woman”? Or all three in some way?

Dear God… I pray tonight that you reveal to me what it is you want me to know. I already know I’m all three… I’m the son who wants to do the right things in life, but not invest too much time from my busy life. I’m the daughter-in-law who sees someone who needs attention, but says “it’s not my responsibility.” I’m the old woman who sometimes feels alone and worries about mistakes I’ve made that have affected adversely the people I love. I’m even, sometimes, the unseen nurse, who does do the right thing and takes responsibility and doesn’t need any affirmation for it. I’m capable of good… and evil. But I sense there’s more… a very specific lesson… tailored for me… and maybe it’s the thing that troubles me most, but yet unwilling or too afraid to change. Ric said You will not want me to rack my brain or even struggle to figure it out… but that if I only ask You… You will reveal it to me. And he reminds me that Jesus has told us to fully expect that you will answer. So… I’m asking, God… what are you telling me? I know that I’m your child… you love me the way I love my children… and whatever you’re offering me now, is something that’s good for me. What is it that I need to face? What is it I need to let go of? (I’m afraid and I’m struggling… just what you don’t want to be or to do.) And I know that when I get still and quiet… and start looking… you’ll give me the answer. Okay, I’m ready. And I’ll thank You now, because I believe You are good.

7/22/06 - "Big Foot"

Friday: Still in pain, and legs and feet are very swollen… but… my attitude is better today!

I’m drinking lots and lots of water, but swelling just won’t go away. I’m sure that must be adding to the pain. Don’t have to work on Sunday, so I’ll spend some time with my feet up… hope that helps.

Tonight, I’m putting a pillow at the bottom of the bed. Perhaps that will help relieve the swelling.


Saturday: Pillow didn’t help… just caused my legs to ache more… swelling didn’t change.

Cooler weather expected today… maybe that will help.

By the end of the day, still had fat ankles and feet. Still drinking water. What’s causing this? Maybe I should be calling the doctor. I’ll do that on Monday, if nothing’s changed.

7/20/06 = Pills and Bills

The pain meds have been making me so groggy and slow during the day… so thought I would try to not use any, just during the working hours. I still felt tired and sleepy and the pain was just too much. It’s been steady and all the way through my legs, and feels like knives going into the bottom of my feet. Plus, the electric shock-like feeling going into my legs and feet was much worse. So… back to the medicine throughout the day tomorrow. (You’d think by now, at the end of the treatments, that I’d get this right. But it’s all just trial and error, and every time is a little different. I thought just knowing that there would be no more chemo treatments would make this week easier, but it’s still hard.)

When I got home I took a pill and went to bed, but the pain was still too severe to sleep. An hour and a half later, I took another one. I feel asleep, but one of those leg “shocks” jolted me awake… I screamed and scared the cats off the bed. Again, I’m so glad this is the last week for this much pain. I can’t take much more. Well, actually I suppose I could. We do what we have to do.

A ton more medical bills in the mail today. I don’t know what the alternative should be, but I still don’t know how a person is supposed to get well, plus keep a good mental attitude, with these things stuffing my mailbox every day. I have insurance, good insurance… yet I’ll be paying on 2006 forever. I’m so angry. I want to hit something. I feel like I could bust up concrete. How do other people with little or no insurance handle this stress? Our country needs a better health-care system. If people like me, with a good job, and good health insurance, feel the stress… what must it be like for others without such blessings? We need some health-care changes in our country. Not so much for me. I’ll manage. But for people who have little or nothing!

Faith and Trust

I started to stress, or obsess, about the accumulating medical bills again… and was thinking, “Is God taking care of me now?” Ric “caught” me crying. We talked. Here’s some stuff I need to remember:

God wants me to depend on him for my happiness. (Not financial security.) God is taking care of me… and always will. The world will try to trap me and reach for my weak spots. I only have to reach for God… he is already there… with open arms. I will be fine.

Way back when, I knew I would have to go through some tough stuff, in order to be able to relate to and help other people. That tough stuff includes not only physical, but emotional, and financial. I’m in it now. Sometimes I feel I’m “in it” so deep, I’ll drown. But I won’t. God is with me and nothing will keep me down.

Instead of worrying about when I’m going to feel better and how I’m going to pay all these bills, just ask God what he wants me to do for him today. Ask God to use me today. Don’t fret about the future… ask God to use me to communicate to someone else today. Trust that he’ll give me the words.

Don’t let the darkness in the world rob me of the joy and happiness that is right in front of me today. Life will always present problems! There will always be things that need fixed. Accept that fact… and the fact that at the same time there will always be things to make us laugh and smile… little joys and big fun right in front of us. Peace in the midst of stress. It’s all there… mixed in together. So for this moment… pick the best!

Change is Good

I was going to go to sleep angry, sad, and depressed tonight, but I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to pray for my family and friends, and thank God for this time in my life. Then I’m going to read a couple chapters of a new novel, and then go to sleep… in peace.

7/19/06 - Hee-hee, Ha-ha

It’s been a couple tough days. There’s a lot of pain in my legs. But sometimes the pain is not very intense… and that’s good. When the pain’s not so bad though, I have that numb feeling throughout my body. I don’t like it. I’ve also been extremely tired, and deal with upset stomach once or twice a day. Thank goodness this is the last week. And in that sense, I’m lucky. It all goes away. I’ve still been able to work, and work continues to help me take my focus off the physical problems. Not a day goes by that somebody at work doesn’t make me laugh… whether we’re sharing a personal story, the latest family predicament, something that happened on the way to work, a funny joke, the dumb thing we just did… whatever… at some point during the work day… I’m bound to laugh.

I took a nap after work today… just exhausted. Woke up feeling depressed again. Decided to get up and go to the station’s Working Women’s Wednesday. Thought my emotions were under control, but got a little teary when I arrived. Sandy, Kim, Doris, and Trish cheered me up. We had a good time… and I got over the “feeling sad” hump. We had some good laughs. Actually I met several women who brightened my day and gave me encouragement. Women are good at that!

Laughter… we’ve all heard is the best medicine. We’ve got to put ourselves among other people to make it happen. We can read things that make us laugh… but even then, we have to have been around others to be able to relate to the thing that makes us laugh.

God, thanks for giving us all just enough quirks… to be comedians!

7/17/06 - Not Feeling So Good

No more Decadron to take! Yeah! So slept better last night. Took a pain pill at about 3 am, and woke up with no pain. Surprising… because it usually stays pretty intense for several days. I did wake up at about 6 am, then dozed again off and on for about a half hour before getting up. Washed my face this morning… almost all my eyelashes are gone. Yuck.

After I got to work, I started feeling weird… no pain, but my entire body was partially numb, and my head felt like it does when going up in the mountains and the altitude changes. I’d turn my head and it seemed like things moved in slow motion. Slightly dizzy when I walked. I’ve felt this way before but just for short periods of time. Today, it lasted all through the workday. I was actually scared… and would have almost rather had the usual pain. I understood the pain. This feeling was different. I told Ric about it… and he said it’s probably just a cumulative effect of the chemo… not to worry… my body’s full of chemicals.

After lunch I got very sick. No pain in my legs, but did have that feeling like they could give out from under me. I had to walk carefully. The numb feeling continued… so I went home. By the time I got home the pain had returned. I took a pain pill and slept for a couple hours. When I woke up, I felt fine. Painted more trim in the living room!

7/16/06 - Are We Having Fun Yet?

Slept last night with the help of a sleeping pill, yet still a fitful sleep. Up and down a lot, hot and then cold – slept in maybe half hour to one hour increments.

Day time similar to night. I’ve been tired at times, and yet restless too. Laid down to rest. Got up and painted trim work in the living room and dining room! Had to make myself stop.

Ric had a DJ gig tonight for a class reunion. It was fun, lots of nice people there. Toward the end of the evening I was getting tired and my legs were swollen and in pain. I was having trouble keeping up with the music. Got frustrated. Tears in my eyes. Oh, not now. God, please not now. I’ve got a job to do and I can’t let anyone see me cry. Why is it so hard to stop the tears when that’s what I most want to do? Pulled myself back together fairly quickly. Hope no one noticed.

Stomach upset on the way home. Sick for an hour before I could go to bed.

Took sleeping pill cause I don’t have to drive in the morning. Slept pretty well. Woke up too early, 6:45. Cats in the bedroom playing with a toy. Got ‘em out and shut the door, but couldn’t fall back to sleep.

Started to worry and feel sad about everything…

I have a seminar out of town on 8/3 – what will I wear?

Medical bills fill my mailbox everyday. And just found out
we have to pay a lot in income taxes this year.

Ric and Nic are going to Pittsburgh soon. I’ve been wanting to go all year. But
can’t. Work and radiation will keep me here. Makes me sad… I really want to go too.

Medical bills stacking up. I haven’t paid on any of them for a while. It’s been enough just to pay for prescriptions, co-pays for doctor visits, and hospital parking.

I was crying and the cats were scratching at the door. I thought they wanted to
come in and “comfort” me. I opened the door and let them in, and laid back down on the bed. They just jumped over me and up into the windows.

Medical bills just keep haunting me.

I really want to go to church, but I’m afraid I’ll cry there too… so I’ll just stay home.

Okay Jeanne, time to get up, get moving and stop the stupid crying.

Got up and moved and did feel better. Didn’t make it to church, but Ric and I went to a movie and dinner and ended up having a really nice day.

I know all the things I worried about this morning just seemed magnified because I was feeling so bad. Things will work out. I’ll find something to wear to the seminar. I’ll go to Pittsburgh next year. The cats still like me… they just like windows too. Medical bills… they’ll just have to wait for a while.

The pain in my legs got really severe in the evening… even have some in my arms and hands this time. At any rate… it’s the last time. Make it through the next couple weeks and I’ll be on the road to regaining my energy and health!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

- Jeremiah 29:11

7/14/06 - First Day after Last Treatment

Well, I didn’t get much sleep last night… about 1-1/2 hours. Of course, when the alarm went off, I was ready to sleep. I wanted to stay in bed so bad, but I knew from past experience that once I got up, I would be okay. I was running a little late, ‘cause I pushed snooze a few times. On my way to work I noticed the clock said 7:15. What?!?! It’s 8:15. I looked at my watch, but it wasn’t on my arm… I forgot it. Listened to V100 and soon Steve said “It’s 7:20.” Oh, now I know what happened… the electric was off in the house yesterday and I set the clock in our bedroom and in the bathroom an hour ahead! What a dummy! I could’ve slept another hour!

Mike, our General Manager, came in this morning to congratulate me for finishing chemo. I told him about getting to work too early. He said that usually when people are late they use the reason or excuse that the electric went off. He said it’s the first time someone blamed the electric going off for being early!

Turned out to be a good day. Went to the hospital after work to get my last Neulasta injection. Ric asked me to come back to the station afterwards. I knew he was working on a big project and assumed he needed help. I was wrong. The office staff had ice cream cakes in the conference room to celebrate my having finished chemo! What a surprise! I almost cried. But it was a joyous celebration… and I was so glad my co-workers are also my friends who’ve been with me throughout these last four months, supporting and praying, sometimes helping me through the hallway and getting a glass of water, oohing and aahing over a box of wigs and hats, working extra for me, checking on me, and laughing with me. It could have been a difficult time, trying to do too much… but it wasn’t. Work has been a safe and caring place for me… a reason to get up and get going in the mornings! Now someone may need to remind me of this in a few months :-), but WORK has been a blessing! Anyway, we had lots of fun getting high on ice cream cake, sharing stories, and laughing. It was a fun and unexpected treat!

7/13/06 - Crossing the Finish Line

Last chemo this morning!

I still can’t believe I’ve been doing this for 16 weeks… well it’s been 14, about 2 more weeks of side-effects to deal with. At this moment it doesn’t even seem like it’s been so bad. (I only have to re-read my journal to recall I’ve had some tough times.) Probably seems not so bad, because the bad was always mixed with good. Obstacles were overcome, and blessings rushed in.

When Heather, my chemo nurse, took out the IV after chemo today, she smiled big and said, “That’s the last one… you’re done!” I looked at Ric and will never forget the huge smile on his face and his bright eyes. We said together, “We’re finished!” It was a pretty cool moment. The whole room just seemed brighter. God was there too, saying “We did it, kids!”

Obviously I still have 7 or so weeks of radiation, but the worst leg of the journey is over. Radiation will be time consuming… every day… but so much easier on the body.

I didn’t get to see my other chemo nurses today, Terry and Donna. Terry was on another assignment and Donna on vacation… so I missed telling them how much they have meant to me. I did see Linda, my oncology nurse, and we hugged a few times! I have goose bumps and tears in my eyes right now, just thinking about the impact they’ve had on me. The only time I ever feared going to chemo was the first time, when I was scared and didn’t know what to expect. After that, never again. I knew I would be in capable, confident, compassionate and caring hands.
Susan G. Komen

Ric is now on the Board of Susan G. Komen Foundation of West Virginia. Tonight (ironically) was his first meeting. It’s a good group of people, working hard to make a difference in the lives of women with breast cancer… and raising awareness, providing funding for research and diagnostic testing, and so much more. When we first found out I had breast cancer, Ric made some phone calls to find a contact for me, to help answer questions and provide some support and reassurance. He received a quick answer when he contacted the Susan G. Komen Foundation, who immediately gave us the name of someone… Debbie… who has been with us all the way.

Tonight Debbie bought me some pink roses to celebrate the last chemo treatment today. In her card she stated that chemo will now be just a memory. I hadn’t thought of it that way.

Counting Sheep

It’s 2:00 in the morning (technically July 14), and here I am still wide awake… the usual reason… high doses of Decadron at midnight last night and at 6:00 a.m., and then another, smaller, dose at 8:00 this evening. I took a half of an Ambien, but here I am, clicking away on my flat little friend. My body is worn out and tired, yet I toss and turn, flip the covers on and off, am hot and cold. Somehow I thought I would sleep tonight… thought I could “will” myself to sleep. Normally I sleep an hour or two during chemo, but today I just dozed a little. I have not been asleep since 6:00 this, well yesterday, morning… and feel only fatigued now, not sleepy. It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow. Okay, now’s when I’m supposed to say, yes, but this is the last time you’ll go through this, Jeanne. And I’m supposed to smile… and I am… but it’s not a big smile. I just worry how I’ll make it through the day tomorrow. I will not miss work… and I have to go to the hospital to get the Neulasta injection after work. I’m worrying again. I’ve managed before… I will tomorrow too. Besides, I might actually be asleep in an hour or two. Ha ha… funny… my usual routine is 5 or 6… then the alarm goes off at 7:30. I’m just typing needlessly now… I could read, but that’s giving in to sleeplessness. Like this isn’t. Ric’s asleep. Mokie’s asleep at the bottom of the bed. Dot’s asleep in the living room. I know all this… because I’m AWAKE. And I’m beginning to realize I’m just a little hyper. I could get up and do laundry… but then it would probably wake up Ric and the critters. The critters can and will catch up on their sleep tomorrow… but Ric’s gotta work too. I could play the piano, but it’s digital, and we’re painting the room… and I put the cord away and the headphones, and I can’t remember where… so rummaging around opening closets… would wake up Ric. Night time is quiet time. I’ve thought about taking a Benedryl to go to sleep, but probably shouldn’t combine that with a sleeping pill. I won’t. Okay, enough of this… I’ll go back to reading… it’s a quiet thing to do. But maybe instead of reading a good book, I should read something boring! Like this paragraph.

7/12/06 - On the Last Lap

No pain today, no meds needed! Tonight I’ll have to take the Decadron at midnight and and 6 am for chemo tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the LAST chemo!

Whatever the side effects I have this time, will be the last time. Now that it’s almost over, it’s like the whole chemo process hasn’t taken that long… and hasn’t been that bad. The mind has a way of letting the bad stuff go sometimes. It certainly hasn’t all been bad anyway… in fact there’s been a tremendous amount of good. Physically it’s been tough, and sometimes mentally, but it’s also been a time of huge blessings:

Finding out how strong I can be when I have to. Realizing more than every what a true partner Ric is… he’s hung in there with me thru the good, bad and the ugly. Meeting new people and making new friends. Learning to let go of some of the stress in my life. Learning it’s okay to rest and take care of myself, and that it’s okay to say “no” to anything that’s detrimental to my well-being. Allowing others to do things for us… learning to receive. Knowledge that I dan find humor in all situations. Knowing God is above me, below me, beside me, in front of me, behind me, around me… guiding me, giving me gifts, helping me see the world differently, and love life more!

Now,,, what little things do I look forward to after chemo? Eating salads, not being a “germ freak,” being able to plan things more than a day or two in advance, being more in control of my emotions (yea, that’s gonna happen), drinking iced tea and diet pepsi a little more often, getting back to an exercise routine, getting rid of Medicine Row on my bathroom counter!

And about the hair… I will be glad to have my own hair back. But not having any has not been so bad. Getting ready in the morning’s a breeze… wash my head with the same shower gel I use for the rest of me. Throw on a wig or hat, sometimes a little make-up, get dressed, kiss Ric goodbye, feed the cats… and go!

I actually miss my hair most at night. My bald head still gets cold, and I wear this little terry-cloth sleep cap, that moves around on my head if I’m tossing and turning a lot.

Peach fuzz is not warm.

7/11/06 - Seven Eleven

Today is 7/11… always makes me smile. Steve always calls our local 7-Eleven store and wishes them a happy birthday… but they always hang up on him. Where oh where is the sense of humor… and the Thank You?

It’s a good day physically… just a little pain in my feet. I went through the day without medication.

I received an e-mail today from another woman in the area who’s recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and is about to undergo chemotherapy. She’s been reading my journal and said it’s been helpful to her as she’s trying to understand what to expect. I so often think about not posting my journal on-line for various reasons, but then someone always tells me they’re really glad I share it… for various reasons. Today I realized that I need to keep posting it especially so that the information is available for someone who’s just found out they’re beginning their own breast cancer journey. Each of our experiences are different, physically and emotionally… but there are many experiences common to all. I’ve had the benefit of receiving information and support from people I never knew before… because I’m in a public workplace… and women can contact me easily. Others don’t have this benefit… but if I keep my journal public… then it is accessible to anyone who needs it. God uses all sorts of ways to keep us connected… and I sure don’t want to limit that work!

My last chemo treatment is coming up this Thursday. Wow! It really seems like yesterday that Ric and I were walking out of the office on our way to the first one! Treatment Thursday, a couple weeks of side effects… and this part of the journey will be finished. Dr. Cohen told me some of the side effects may linger for months… but I expect they will be fairly mild.

Well, my wig’s feeling tight… time to go put on a ball cap… and check on my peach fuzz!

7/10/06 - To Do List:

Get gas in car
Grocery shopping
Have chemotherapy
Pay bills

Relatively little pain during the day today… got by without any pain medication. I like that.

Chemo is this week. The FINAL chemo treatment! I realized after the last time that these appointments have become as ordinary and routine as an appointment for a haircut or an oil change! The infusion itself has always been easy… and I don’t think much about the side effects until after the treatment. At the beginning of this, I would never have thought going to chemo would be such a non-event.

Of course a new “event” is about to begin. Approximately three weeks after this last chemo treatment, radiation will begin. I’ve been told by many women who have been through this, and by Dr. Cohen and Linda, that radiation will be relatively easy… just time consuming… so I’m not too worried. What I am concerned about though… is how radiation will affect the lymph system in my left arm. Since the lymph nodes have been removed… is all the damage that can be done to the lymph system, already done… or will the radiation cause more damage? Fourteen lymph nodes were removed. Was that ALL of the lymph nodes… or are some still intact? I’ve been doing some research, but haven’t found an answer to this question. I do know that there is more of a risk of lymphedema after the underarm has been radiated. And I know that there is nothing that can prevent lymphedema exactly… but there are lots of things to do to limit the risk (avoid lifting anything over 15 lbs with the affected arm, avoid injury to the arm or hand, etc.). I continue to do the stretching exercises, thinking somehow this will help too. If it does nothing other than keep the scar tissue from immobilizing my arm, I guess it’s worth that. Of course, I’d rather manage lymphedema than have the cancer return… but I still want to know what to expect. I have my first appointment with the radiation oncologist on the 24th… so I’ll ask all my questions then.

How Does My Garden Grow?

There’s “peach fuzz” on my head! My hair is growing back? I don’t know… but there’s definitely peach fuzz on my head. That’s weird… I didn’t expect my hair to start growing back yet. I’ve been losing my eyelashes, and my eyebrows are really thin. Well, this is not really “hair” anyway. It looks like something that will fall out, or break off. So what is this stuff on my head? For some reason, it’s kind of exciting. I guess it’s like planting a garden from seeds… for a long time you see nothing but this blank and empty brown area… then one day you see that first little bit of green… and you wonder, “Is it weeds… or green beans?!?!”

7/8/06 - Snowshoe Mountain

We’re at Snowshoe Mountain today! It’s the first chance we’ve had to get away this year… and it is great. Breathtaking scenery here in the Allegheny Mountains of West Virginia… beautiful sky… cerulean blue with big fluffy clouds… low humidity… ahhhhhh.

It’s the Fire on the Mountain Chili Cook-Off this weekend… so it’s a fun and festive atmosphere… lots of people mingling, live music, and chili and salsa to taste. (I would’ve been a cheap lunch date, except that Ric had to buy me a fleece pullover. I brought only short sleeve shirts and no jacket. Weather’s great, but just a chill in the breeze.)

Ric woke before I did this morning, picked up a Starbucks coffee, and rode the ski lift over and over. He just loves it. And I want to love it… I really do… but it’s so scary. He laughed at me last year when I asked where the seat belt was! (Obviously I’m not a skier!) I love the scenery, but the height just makes me panic. I thought maybe I would experience it differently this year… that I wouldn’t be afraid. I even took my camera to take pictures on the way down. But when Ric pulled the bar over our heads, my hands latched onto it. I looked down at the lake at the bottom of the mountain… and it was gorgeous… and so far dowwwwnnnnnnnn. I quickly looked to the side at the woods, which was less anxiety-producing. Tried to look beneath us again, at the wild flowers. Then I realized I was still too darn high. I wanted to enjoy it more… for Ric… but I just gripped the bar, looked to the side, and couldn’t help but think, “I can’t wait to get to the bottom. I can’t wait to get to the bottom. I want to be at the bottom.” Ric said, “If you don’t look at this lake and enjoy it, I’m going to be very disappointed.” I did look, of course, and for a long time… well, thirty seconds is a long time when you’re scared!

The bottom of the mountain is just another world. I stood in awe at the lake, surrounded by tall pines. Even the dead wood that surrounded parts of the lake was somehow romantically beautiful… along with the rocks, white daisies, and yellow buttercups. Ric and I sat on a bench for a long time, just soaking up the view. Then we walked to a little patch of woods… filled with hammocks! We each claimed one and relaxed in this little sanctuary for a while.

The ski lift back to the top was not as scary as going down, but I still found myself saying, “I can’t wait to get to the top. I’ll never do this again.” But I will. The time we spent at the bottom of the mountain was worth the effort it took for me to get there.

7/5/06 - Take Another Look

Pain. Medicine. Sleep. Work. Pain. Sleep. What’s the point in keeping a journal? I’m just dealing with the same stuff every day. I don’t like just living my day trying to get through it. Okay, some days are going to be routine, whether I’m sick or well. Not every day is full of fun and excitement, or new insights and wisdom. Some days are the same old thing. So, is my “routine day” really so bad? Heck, no! I’m with my husband, Ric, whom I love and I know loves me… we’re planning a nice relaxing vacation to Charleston, South Carolina in the fall. I go to a job everyday that I really like (and I just realized I’ve always had jobs that I like). My son called me today and calls me often just to say hi or see how I’m doing. I’m still smiling about the good day I had yesterday with my daughter and granddaughters… and I learned a wonderful lesson about sharing. I don’t have to worry about running out of paper or ink when writing in my journal… cause I’ve got this cool laptop. It’s raining outside and I’m inside… dry and comfortable. My routine day is another day filled with blessings!

7/4/06 - Keep Going

Yesterday… lots of leg pain… had to really force myself to go to work. Not a heroic act… it wouldn’t have helped the pain to stay at home. I might have taken more pain medication and slept through some of it, but I don’t want to do that. I think it’s best just to be at work and focus on other things. The only part that concerns me though is that sometimes one leg or the other just “gives out” when I walk… and it’s worse when I go down stairs. I just hope I don’t fall again. Napped for an hour after I got home from work. A “just get through the day” day.

A Child’s Wisdom

Tremendous pain throughout the night, so took pain medication every 2-1/2 to 3 hours instead of 4… so I did get a lot of sleep. Felt more rested, but groggy, so went to work later than usual.

Jill and Tierra and Sophia came down this afternoon… and we had a wonderful Girls Day Out… three generations of fun and laughter! The highlight of the day was when little Sophia dropped her chewing gum out of her mouth onto the floor. It had to be thrown away of course, but Tierra immediately bit her gum in half and gave it to Sophie. That’s the way ALL OF LIFE should be!

Pray for a Child’s Wisdom

We went to the baseball game for the Fourth of July Celebration. Had to leave early… just too much pain… trouble with right leg walking out. Seems like the pain is lasting longer and longer. Must be a cumulative effect. Hang on, Jeanne… it’ll be over soon. Forget about the pain as much as possible… and think more about sharing chewing gum! :-)

7/2/06 - Healing Available - Supplies Not Limited

Woke up yesterday morning to the yucky leg pain… took a pain pill, but it just wouldn’t go away. It just got worse so quickly… and I started crying. Ric was already up, and heard me… came in and helped me to relax. Eventually it eased up. So I’m back into this for several days now… and I need to remember to “keep ahead of the pain” as Dr. Cohen said… take the medicine regularly and as soon as I feel the pain starting. I’ll manage this. And I’ll also remember that it’s this time… then one more time, one more chemo… and I’m done!

Went to work, hung out at the bookstore… a good day. Pain came back in the late evening… and was pretty bad throughout the night. Not a lot of sleep.

Went to church this morning. Wonderful sermon about healing… and the difference between being cured and being healed. Healing is when we reach a place of loving harmony with ourselves, others, and God. We have to be open to the opportunities God presents us to heal… a time to heal. We all have had wounded bodies, broken hearts, damaged emotions, scarred memories, and fractured relationships. God touches us in times of hurting… often through other people offering to help and befriend us… or presenting us with a path that will help us move forward. We can choose to accept or not… we can stay broken… or we can open up to restoration and reconciliation… and be healed.

For my current physical problems, I have found healing already. I’m not finished with the treatments yet… plus I still have pain and lots of other side effects. But I’m living a good life while all this is going on. I’ll be glad when all the side effects have gone, but I don’t need them to be gone to be happy now. I didn’t feel this way immediately after the cancer diagnosis… it took time. The time did come… and I think the healing started even before the chemotherapy began.

As to the healing of emotional wounds… I think it means that first of all, we have to remember we can’t change the past. But we can reach a new agreement with God… and ourselves… about how we live our lives now. We can let God inside us, stir us up and mix us around a bit, so that we see our lives in a new way, with a changed focus… restored to the loving persons He intends us to be… healed. Some of the things that cause us pain may still be a part of our lives, so our problems may not be eliminated or cured, but… if we respond in a different way… if we can give love and believe we are loved… then we are healed.