The pain meds have been making me so groggy and slow during the day… so thought I would try to not use any, just during the working hours. I still felt tired and sleepy and the pain was just too much. It’s been steady and all the way through my legs, and feels like knives going into the bottom of my feet. Plus, the electric shock-like feeling going into my legs and feet was much worse. So… back to the medicine throughout the day tomorrow. (You’d think by now, at the end of the treatments, that I’d get this right. But it’s all just trial and error, and every time is a little different. I thought just knowing that there would be no more chemo treatments would make this week easier, but it’s still hard.)
When I got home I took a pill and went to bed, but the pain was still too severe to sleep. An hour and a half later, I took another one. I feel asleep, but one of those leg “shocks” jolted me awake… I screamed and scared the cats off the bed. Again, I’m so glad this is the last week for this much pain. I can’t take much more. Well, actually I suppose I could. We do what we have to do.
A ton more medical bills in the mail today. I don’t know what the alternative should be, but I still don’t know how a person is supposed to get well, plus keep a good mental attitude, with these things stuffing my mailbox every day. I have insurance, good insurance… yet I’ll be paying on 2006 forever. I’m so angry. I want to hit something. I feel like I could bust up concrete. How do other people with little or no insurance handle this stress? Our country needs a better health-care system. If people like me, with a good job, and good health insurance, feel the stress… what must it be like for others without such blessings? We need some health-care changes in our country. Not so much for me. I’ll manage. But for people who have little or nothing!
Faith and Trust
I started to stress, or obsess, about the accumulating medical bills again… and was thinking, “Is God taking care of me now?” Ric “caught” me crying. We talked. Here’s some stuff I need to remember:
God wants me to depend on him for my happiness. (Not financial security.) God is taking care of me… and always will. The world will try to trap me and reach for my weak spots. I only have to reach for God… he is already there… with open arms. I will be fine.
Way back when, I knew I would have to go through some tough stuff, in order to be able to relate to and help other people. That tough stuff includes not only physical, but emotional, and financial. I’m in it now. Sometimes I feel I’m “in it” so deep, I’ll drown. But I won’t. God is with me and nothing will keep me down.
Instead of worrying about when I’m going to feel better and how I’m going to pay all these bills, just ask God what he wants me to do for him today. Ask God to use me today. Don’t fret about the future… ask God to use me to communicate to someone else today. Trust that he’ll give me the words.
Don’t let the darkness in the world rob me of the joy and happiness that is right in front of me today. Life will always present problems! There will always be things that need fixed. Accept that fact… and the fact that at the same time there will always be things to make us laugh and smile… little joys and big fun right in front of us. Peace in the midst of stress. It’s all there… mixed in together. So for this moment… pick the best!
Change is Good
I was going to go to sleep angry, sad, and depressed tonight, but I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to pray for my family and friends, and thank God for this time in my life. Then I’m going to read a couple chapters of a new novel, and then go to sleep… in peace.
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