Shortly after I was diagnosed, I received an e-mail from someone who had been dealing with colon/liver cancer and treatments for nearly a year… Carol. She thanked me for sharing my breast cancer diagnosis with the public, and encouraged me to keep talking about it. She also said, “I have no magic solution to our problem, Jeanne, but I know, as well as you do, that we have to let go and let God take care of us right now. We are in that master plan, even though we don’t understand it right now.” I was still very scared at that time… and her words rang true to me… and comforted me. Carol told me that she was going to the David Lee Cancer Center for her treatments… the same place I would be going for the first time that very day. She said, “If you ever just want to talk, I would really like that.”
We exchanged a couple more emails that day… ending with her telling me she would be at the Cancer Center that afternoon for blood work, and maybe we would run into each other. And we did! Carol, Ric and I talked until one of us was called by the nurse. She kindly and sweetly answered all my questions… shared her experience… and was just really helpful and encouraging.
We continued to exchange e-mails for a while. As I approached my first chemotherapy treatment with apprehension and some concerns, she patiently detailed what the chemo treatments were like… so that I would know more about what to expect… everything from accessing the port to administering the chemo… to suggestions for packing a goody bag with drinks, snacks and a book to read… and even answered that all-important question – yes, you can go to the bathroom during the chemo delivery!
I felt so comfortable asking Carol questions. She never made me feel like I was bothering her… she seemed to actually delight in answering every little question and addressing every concern that I had. She wrote, “Write anytime. It is always nice to hear from you. If you feel like it in a few days, email me and let me know how you are. I will be saying a little prayer for you and your family.” She prepared me well for my first treatment. She eased my fears. She made me more ready to accept the healing that was already at work. She was an angel during a time I needed one.
Carol also sent another angel to me… her friend, Paula… who is a breast cancer survivor. And Paula, too, has been a friend and a wealth of information as well. Carol was so thoughtful… even in dealing with her own illness… she made sure I had someone I could talk with who understood my kind of cancer. Now that is a generous, loving spirit!
I received word today from Paula that Carol died on Sunday morning. I'm so heartbroken... for Carol, her husband, her children, and friends. She never got the opportunity to know what it was like to feel good again, watch her hair grow back, or any of the exciting "little" things that happen with recovery. I’m thinking of all kinds of things she didn’t get to do. But maybe since she knew she was going to die, she did get to do many things that brought her heart comfort. I didn’t know her well enough to know what she loved and what made her laugh. About pulling through or not making it, my friend said Carol told her “Don’t worry, I am going to be fine either way.” And I know she is. Yet I sit here with a broken heart, crying and not fully understanding. My faith tells me she's fine... but still, all of the "why" questions run through my mind. I know that I was blessed to have met Carol.
Ric and I just went on the air together. I thought we would ignore what I learned moments ago, and talk about something altogether different. But we didn’t… because the only thing that mattered at the moment was Carol and her family.
Ric told me after our time on the air, that if I asked God, He would send a sign to me that Carol is okay. Ric said that God is not so removed from us that he does not want to communicate with us... He's right here with us. I came back upstairs and it appears as though my "sign" is several e-mails I’m receiving right now from our V100 family! Yes, Carol is fine now… able to see that master plan she first spoke to me about. Her hand is in God’s hand. And the spirit of Carol Paxton will never go away… her spirit is still alive and well in all whose lives she touched.
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