What a great morning. Over 4,000 people were at the Race! It was a cool, sunny day… perfect for running, walking and mingling. I met so many wonderful, caring, thoughtful people… lots of Survivors, sharing their successes. V100 received an award for Largest Corporate Team… we had over 300 people on our team! A group of adults and teens from the Freedom Christian Academy presented Ric and I with a very special gift… money for a dinner at Sitar! The best part of the gift was all their smiling faces as they gave it to us… what a beautiful spirit among this group of people. Sitar has always been one of our favorite restaurants… and now with my taste buds sometimes wreaking havoc… I love the hot, spicy Indian food even more… I can taste it!
I took lots of pictures… tried to get all the V100 team members… but it was impossible. It was great to see all the Breast Cancer Survivors cross the finish line… many of them running… and some well in front of the pack. One more reassurance that life goes on after diagnosis and treatment. Next year I’ll be walking in the race… and crossing the finish line!
During last night’s interview with WSAZ, Penny asked me about my feelings about the loss of my hair. Part of the response was that I usually like to wear a wig, because it helps me to feel more how I actually do feel most of the time… healthy. And that I sometimes hesitate to wear just a hat, because I’m afraid I look sick. I decided to wear a ballcap (Susan G. Komen) with a pink scarf that my granddaughter, Tierra, bought for me, to the Race. It just seemed the right thing to do… not to hide the fact that I was undergoing chemo… at an event to raise awareness about breast cancer. Lots and lots of people told me I looked really cute… and that made me feel good. However, one lady, a politician no less, pointed her finger in my face and said “I saw your interview on TV last night… and you’re right… you should have worn the wig!” I was so hurt, and for a few seconds felt so ugly. I gave her a very nasty look, rolled my eyes and walked away. She tapped on my shoulder, and said she didn’t mean to offend me, but I told her it was too late. To her credit, she later sought me out and apologized and said she didn’t mean it the way it sounded. (Since I know I’m going to post this journal entry on line, and since she apologized, I won’t put her name here… but just so everyone knows, it was NOT Betty Ireland, who was at the race, and who was very gracious, sweet and supportive of me… and it was NOT Natalie Tennant, who was at the race, and who is always kind, and working hard in the community to support good causes! Those were the only 3 females holding/running for political office I saw at the race… I just want to protect the ones who didn’t say that to me! I know… I worry too much.)
Overall of course, the Race was just a tremendous, uplifting, inspiring, awesome experience… probably especially for me at this time in my life… but I could tell that hundreds, if not thousands, were also impacted by the event. So many breast cancer survivors and other folks let me know I was in their prayers… and offered encouragement and support… and shared their own survivor stories. I loved meeting everyone. I’m not sure, but I think I heard someone say over $200,000 was raised too! Whooo, hoooo!
Post-Race
Came home to take a nap, because I was really weary… but just laid there… couldn’t sleep. Oh well, maybe rest was all I needed. Ric came home from work… and later we went to Sitar for dinner! Muy delicioso! Oh, that’s Spanish. Don’t know how to say “very delicious” in the Indian language. But it was wonderful!
Saturday Changes to Sunday
I woke up at 6:00 this morning… before the alarm went off… wide awake! It’s now after 2:00 a.m. and I’m still awake. I’ve been up for over 20 hours… and no sign of sleep in sight. I’ve read, turned out the lights, turned them back on, read some more… turned out the lights… went downstairs and played the piano (Ric can sleep through anything)… decided to write in my journal. It must be the medications I’m taking… I recall this happening last time after chemo. Just a few more days of these meds… then I’ll sleep again.
But for now, my mind just races. I remember today, Deborah Linz from TV-8 was the emcee at the Race… and she called for me to come from the crowd and go up on stage and speak about my diagnosis and how I was getting along. I wasn’t prepared to talk today… but I took the mic and did. I don’t have any idea what I said. But I can’t help but remember the time I was in school and passed out when I had to give a speech. A kind teacher, who didn’t even know me, said, “Jeanie,” (that’s the way I spelled my name then) “I think I know something that can help you.” “What’s that?” I asked. “I think it would be very beneficial for you to take a speech class,” she replied. I thought she was absolutely crazy! How could I put myself through such an agonizing, humiliating experience again? I don’t recall how… but I found myself in the class. I had been pretty much a straight-A student, but my first six-week’s grade in that class was a “D”. I could write the speeches, but I couldn’t present them in front of the class. But somehow, I learned to do it… and in the final grading period… I reached my “A.” Most of my classes had come easy to me… this one I had to work for… and work hard! It was more of an accomplishment than any “A” easily received.
I remember the time when I was even younger… and I wanted something… I don’t recall what… maybe a bicycle… maybe a hula hoop… maybe a tea set… I just don’t recall. Anyway I asked my parents for it… and my Dad said, “Okay, Jeanie… I’ll make you a bargain.” I have no idea what he said after that… I just remember the word “bargain”… and not knowing what it really meant… I conjured up in my mind a beautiful little playhouse. Whatever I had originally wanted faded completely from my mind, because now I was going to get something even better… a Bargain! I waited for days for Daddy to get started on it… never saw the wood arrive… no paint… Mommy wasn’t making any little curtains… no little furniture appeared… when was Daddy going to start building my Bargain? I think weeks passed before I got up the nerve to ask when they were going to build my Bargain. I faintly remember confused looks, and talking back and forth, trying to figure out what each other meant. I’m sure there was laughter… but I don’t really recall how it all got resolved. I do remember though having a little play area just for me out on the back porch.
I also remember in later years, when I was about 12 yrs old… and wanting a bicycle… but my Dad’s plant was on strike… and knew it wasn’t going to happen… but it did… my parents bought a used bicycle for me… and it was beautiful… and such a surprise. I still have a scar on the side of my knee from my first wreck… but I recall many, many wonderful days of riding my bike with my friends! My two best friends were Debby and Brenda… they were cousins… and often their mothers bought them matching dresses. That year they bought one for me too… and we all three had dresses alike. And I remember the year my parents bought my sister and I life-size dolls… the latest craze. At the time I had blonde hair, and my sister had brown… I immediately went to the doll with brown hair and my sister to the blonde doll. Mom had meant for us to have the one with the same color hair we had. Sometimes a girl’s gotta match… sometime a girl needs different. Why am I remembering all the childhood stuff? One little speech in the morning… takes me back to a time when I couldn’t speak in front of a group. Life is full of things to overcome… confusion and misunderstanding… finding safe little places all your own. And along the way we find blessings unexpected… wonder… love… laughter. The things we want and think we need… change… but it’s an ever-flowing moving in and out, making connections… and memories.
I feel like I’m on drugs… oh, that’s right… I am! Legal and prescribed, of course. But I’m not me… I’m just buzzing! My mind continues to race.
I’m remembering my cousin, Ricky, who lived four hours away. We were best buddies when we were together. He died of cancer at age 12. It ripped my world apart. He had osteo sarcoma… his leg was amputated to try to save his life… but it only extended it for a while. I loved him so much. The whole family was torn apart. I didn’t know he was going to die. Everyone tried to protect the other children in the families… but I never got to say goodbye to him. I hope he knows how much I loved him… and still do. My heart still breaks when I think about him… my heart still breaks for my aunt and uncle who lost their child… the ultimate tragedy. As tears run down my face right now… I feel Ricky is an angel watching over me now… telling me it will be different for me… I will get well. And I feel guilty because… he didn’t. Yet, I can feel him telling me, “It’s all right Jeanie/Jeanne… I want you to be well… and I am well… and we are well together… eternally.
A half a box of tear-soaked Kleenex is beside me now. And I remember what a huge baseball fan Ricky was… the New York Yankees were his favorite! He had every baseball card imaginable! I never cared so much for baseball until Ric and I got together… we used to go to some Alley Cat games… and now we’re huge fans of the WV Power. We just love the whole atmosphere of going to the baseball games. Has Ricky given his love of the sport for me to enjoy? Do people that have loved us and people we’ve loved… still make connections and give gifts… even after we think they’re gone? Do souls always travel together? Yes! The God who loves us… his children… works in mysterious and wondrous ways… make no mistake. God does things in a bigger way… than we ever give Him credit for! Anything and everything is possible… love never goes away… hearts that have loved… never part.
It’s a little after 3 a.m. now. Am I sleep-deprived and delirious? Or am I on a different plane, where I’m seeing more clearly than ever? All I know for sure… is I feel at peace.
