3/31/06 - Who Was That Angry Woman?

Awoke this morning feeling great! Had a good day at work. Feeling strong and optimistic. (Stronger than some of my co-workers… whom I had to reassure that I was okay.)

Trotted off to the hospital for heart scan. Supposed to be quick and easy. Got one injection (oh how I love those)… have to wait 20 minutes and get another one… and then they can do scan. I forgot to bring a book to read.

It’s been 45 minutes. Will they have to do the first injection over again if they wait much longer? Asked at desk. She told me they’ll be right with me. Surprise, surprise… I need Kleenex again. I should’ve bought stock in the company. Doesn’t take much to make me cry… sometimes I feel so fragile. So to stop crying I start writing. 55 minutes now… running outta things to write about. I’m angry now. Why did they tell me 20 minutes? I want out of here. Tomorrow’s April 1 – will someone tell me “April Fool’s Jeanne. It’s all been a joke. Go back to your regular life now.” I’ll never leave for an appointment again without a book. Nothing in this stupid waiting room, but a couple torn and tattered magazines without covers, handled by no doubt thousands of sick people, with germs. People always tell me they admire my courage. I’m not courageous. I’m mad, angry. I was perfectly healthy. I was just fine, and in one month, I’ve been poked, prodded, jabbed, stuck, cut and made to WAIT, over and over. I’m done. I’ve smiled enough. I want to yell at someone now. Maybe the girl who told me 20 minutes… over an hour ago! There’s a guy in a chair near me snoring. How can they keep me waiting like this? What if I had an appointment with the Governor and First Lady or something?” “Mrs. Cochran…”

The Men’s Room

Got back from the hospital and went on-line to order my hats and wigs! I was having fun ordering my stuff and suddenly started to sob, wondering what the heck I was doing! I’m an extremely healthy, vibrant (someone recently used that word to describe me) woman… and now someone told me I’m sick. Sick enough to need a medicine so strong I’ll lose my hair! How can this be possible? It’s not the hair. It’s the whole idea that things are suddenly so different. It’s like I took a wrong turn, and can’t find my way back… or walked into the men’s restroom by mistake. Well, not that bad. J

Ric’s Hats

It’s apparently been there since Wednesday… but I just saw it as I was leaving work today:
In Ric’s office, he has a row of caps on top of the cabinet over his desk… WVU cap, Mountain Stage, Duke, WV Symphony Orchestra, WV Power Baseball, etc. The latest addition to “Cap Row” is my white surgical cap!

God Works in Not So Mysterious Ways

Today was the day I swore I would never go to the hospital again without a book… and I come home and find in my mailbox a BOOK from my friend Angela… “Sweet Potato Queens”… perfect! It’s going in my chemo “goody bag.” Now is God watching over me or what? Is God working through family, friends, and even strangers? You bet!

God’s Prescription: Persevere

Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering,
as though something strange were happening to you.
But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ,
so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

- Peter 4:12-13

For the first time… tonight I feel sure that I will get well. Up till now, I’ve wanted to get well, but had doubts.

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
You will restore my life again;
From the depths of the earth,
you will again bring me up.

- Psalm 71:20

I have much work ahead of me, and perhaps much suffering… but in the end I will have been through it, and will tell about it, so others will know hope. And I will not just live… I will LIVE… in a grander way than I ever have before.

3/30/06 - Forward March

Woke this morning and the terrible pain was gone. Hurt some after I stood up and walked. Ric took the pressure bandage off for me, and that felt good. Didn’t really feel like going to work, but pushed myself to go… it was a good decision, because I felt better and better as the day went on.

Writing

I’ve been getting lots of e-mails from people reading this journal. It’s serving more purposes than I ever imagined. Some women (breast cancer survivors) feel not so alone now that they see I’m feeling and going through some of the same things they did. Some breast cancer survivors are recalling their own journey years ago and realizing how far they’ve come. Some without breast cancer, are making new and better choices in day to day living.

God, please help me to simply record facts and my feelings, without some “purpose” in mind. I know that others will relate, each in their own way, only if I’m honest and true in my writing.

The Birds & The Bees

Keeping close to nature keeps us close to all living spiritual beings. Thanks Kate. I keep finding hope in nature… and I’ve wondered how it all ties in. Now I get it.

My New Short Do

Got my hair cut short today. It was a bit sad to see it go (surprisingly). But it’s only hair… it’ll grow back! Found a new hairdresser with naturally curly hair herself… she did a great job… looks cute. Now I’m one step closer to having no hair. It was a good decision to cut it now.

TV Coverage

Penny Moss’ WSAZ-TV story aired this evening. Ric and I felt she did a good job in highlighting our objective – to compel women to take advantage of the current medical technology so breast cancer can be detected early. Penny was nice to work with. Hope the story has impact.

Lurking There on a Back Shelf Was…

I was looking through art magazines at Books-A-Million and got a paper cut. I screamed “Ow, ouch, oooh!” Ric stood there and laughed and laughed as I searched through my purse for a band-aid. He said, “You’ve had three surgeries this month, and that’s the most noise I’ve heard you make!”

3/29/06 - Surgery #3

Back to Surgi-Care this morning to have the port implanted. Ric used his new cell phone again to video the event – pre-op only. I’m sure he would have taped the entire surgery if allowed in the operating room.

Went fine. Some pain and pressure… but this port will make chemo delivery (and drawing blood for routine tests) so much easier. It’s under the skin, so no worries about infection. I can even go swimming!

Care at CAMC has just been excellent. I’ve been to a lot of different areas of the hospital over the last couple months, and the nursing staff everywhere is fabulous. I can tell they’re all very busy, but everything I need is taken care of quickly. I know they see patients with the same conditions day in and day out, yet they’ve not lost that understanding that the patient is experiencing something for the first time. And when you’re the patient, and feeling vulnerable, uncertain and on unfamiliar ground… a compassionate nurse is a God-send… and Angel. I left the hospital today with a lifted-up heart!

Wassup With That?

I noticed Ric stuffing my white surgical cap into his backpack as we left. What is he up to?!?!

Great Book

I’ve been reading “Spiritual Survival Guide” given to me by our pastor, Dennis Johnson: To hear what God is saying to me, read from the Bible without any attempt to study it. Listen for certain words God’s Spirit may be bringing to my attention. Allow periods of silence… and let God’s message be revealed. Imagine the scripture I’m reading as a love letter from God written especially for me.

The Faithfulness of God

I look to Nature… and ask, Where will my help come from?
My help will come from God, who made heaven and this earth.

He will not let me fall.
My protector is always awake.

The protector of Jeanne never dozes or sleeps.
God guides her and is by her side to protect her.

He is with me while the sun shines during the day,
And when the moon lights the sky at night.
God keeps me safe and secure.

Psalm 121 (paraphrased)

Hair, Hats & High Fashion

I made an appointment to get my hair cut. Everything I read says it makes losing hair much easier – less messy when it starts to fall out… and less traumatic as well. Even though I know it won’t bother me that much to lose my hair, I’m realistic enough to know I could have a “moment.”

I’ve got my order ready to place for a cute wig and some pretty hats and scarves. I’ll be stylin’! I’ll have the order delivered to work and open the box with all the girls. It’ll be fun.

Round 3

I’m in a lot of pain, really intense. Didn’t expect it from this surgery. Felt really good earlier, but so much pressure now. It hurts just to move my right arm, and that was my “good” arm. My left side feels somewhat better though – probably because the stitches under my arm were taken out today… or maybe just ‘cause there’s more pain on the right! Oh well, I know it’s temporary… will feel good in a couple days. I feel the need to write this down, then if I feel discouraged at some point in the future, I can look back and see what I’ve survived so far.

3/28/06 - You Can Leave Your Hat On

I was looking through a catalog of caps, hats and wigs today… making a list of my favorites, picking out colors and styles, actually having fun… and suddenly it seemed so surreal… not frightening at all, just like I’d suddenly stepped into another place. Like when Dorothy stepped out of her front door into the colorful Land of Oz. I’m not in Kansas anymore. Just looking at the hats and wigs reminded me I’m in a new place now, with lots of new friends to meet along the way, and lots of new things to learn. It’s rather exciting.

TV Night

It’s American Idol night. Ric and I look forward to picking apart the contestants… instead of us being picked apart. A break… normalcy. (A chance for Ric to blow off some steam.)

TV Story

Penny Moss from WSAZ-TV came to the station today and did an interview with Ric and I. It went well, and she understands that my reason for going public is to raise awareness about breast cancer so that all women will be concerned enough about themselves to be checked.

Learning, Trusting, Growing

Reading and learning about chemo – side effects that may occur – so I can be proactive on my end to prevent and lessen these side effects. I want some understanding of how chemo works, so I can understand how it helps. I don’t need to know every little thing; information overload is not helpful. I want to know enough to believe that my treatment is what’s right for me medically. What I really need is to believe God is with me and in me and breathing new life into me! I pray that my eyes, ears and heart are open to receive his blessings.

Poking & Prodding Schedule

Tomorrow morning, the chemo port will be surgically inserted. Received three calls today re future appointments – heart scan on Friday, first chemo treatment next Thursday, doctor appointment on 19th. American Idols – Eat your hearts out… everybody wants me!

3/27/06 - David Lee Cancer Center

We went to the David Lee Cancer Center here in Charleston for the first time and met with my oncologist (never thought I’d have an oncologist!), Dr. Cohen. Wonderful man, highly intelligent, keeps up with all the latest research about cancer… and he comes equipped with a sense of humor. (That’s a priority with me… I believe that character and compassion accompany a sense of humor… kind of a yin/yang thing.)

Discussed my cancer – although lump was small, my particular cancer did spread to the lymph nodes… so chemotherapy, in addition to radiation, is in order.

I’m ready to start treatments. Other than this “breast cancer thing” I’m really healthy… so I’m not entering chemotherapy already sick. I have a hopeful and happy attitude… and I know that will be a great asset in my recovery too.

Ric has helped me realize this is an invitation from God to enter into a closer walk with Him. When I become a partner with God, in the way He wants our relationship to be, I’ll not only be healed spiritually, I will better be able to bless everyone around me. (I don’t believe God caused this cancer… it’s just that now that it’s here… God is reminding me that his door is wide open for me to enter in… and experience unbelievable blessings!)

Chemo: The fluid that will run through my veins will be the pure light of God… cleansing, healing and nourishing!

My Prayer Tonight

“Oh God, I know you’ll be by my side – you’re here now – help me to remember you’re there. Let me never lose sight that this is a spiritual journey. I pray not for the strength to get through chemo, but for the vision to see what I need to learn, and the courage to change. If I can do that, strength will follow. My life is forever different now – may I use this experience wisely. Keep me focused on simply being faithful to you. You will use my words, my behavior, my very thoughts for good – but I must be real and honest to allow your work to be done. Help me to keep my sense of humor too, please. Oh yeh, I remember… you’ve already got that covered… there’s that “bald” thing coming up. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.”

3/26/06 - A Happy Heart

Despite being very upbeat lately, I’ve felt kinda down today and very, very tired. We went to see “Failure to Launch” at the theater. Fun movie. I felt really good afterwards. Unfortunately we stayed for another movie… which turned out to be very depressing. I wanted to leave, but thought “we paid for this, so I’ll stay.” Now, how stupid was that?!?! I should have left ‘cause I just paid to get depressed. I did have Junior Mints though… and that’s a very good thing! J

Lesson learned: Pay attention to and follow my instincts. Don’t do what I think I should do; do what will give me a happy heart. (Now, didn’t I already learn this lesson a few days ago?) It’s not what costs money that matters – it’s how we feel.

Mmmmmm…

As I’m writing in my journal… there’s a purring cat by my side. How can I not SMILE?

While transferring my journal entries to the website last week, I realized how many “signs of hope and healing” I’ve been receiving from nature. Could that be an indication that I need to experience the outdoors more… is that where I’ll find a new sense of peace… a sanctuary? There are woods behind our new house that I thought I would take advantage of often, but it’s difficult to reach the path because of the hillside from our yard. Wish there were steps. I absolutely love walking in the woods… I need to find places where I can do that… places close by, and not too hilly. Places I can go to maybe after chemo treatments, where I can relax and feel close to nature and to God… where I can just be peaceful. I’ll be on the lookout and ask around.

* * *

I just picked up a devotional book that friends gave me a few days ago. And the first thing I read is:

“God will teach us His ways, so that we may walk in his paths.” –Isaiah 2:3

and…

“God has showed you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” –Micha 6:8

The purring cat by my side just moved even closer, with her head resting on my arm.

3/25/06 - Enough Already

A.M. – Ric says we talk about cancer too much. Gotta stop. Just live a normal life and talk about normal things.

P.M. – Went to B.A.M. (Books-A-Million) and saw some friends there. They asked me how I was… Ric told them.

I was glad though… I wanted to tell them the truth because they’re friends, and thought they should know from us, rather than hear it from someone else. Of course they offered support and encouragement. And now I’m on the prayer list of another church!

3/24/06 - The Blue Room

The day after my second surgery, I was crying in our bedroom and I told Ric I wished I would have gotten around to painting this room, since I might be spending some extra time in here, to rest.

Ric’s sister, Susie and her husband Skip, came down from Pittsburgh today and painted the whole room… my favorite color… blue! It was one of the most spectacular gifts! Ric had earlier told Susie about my statement and took her up on her offer, “If there’s anything we can do…”. When he suggested painting the bedroom, her reply could have easily been “You’ve got to be kidding” but she said “That would be the greatest blessing… to do that for her.” Can you believe it… came down from Pittsburgh, spent two nights and one day… and painted a whole room top to bottom!

It lifted my spirits in a big way. Better than my new blue room though was the spirit in which they did the project… with love and caring and a real desire to help. Plus, we just enjoyed visiting with each other too. What fun!

3/23/06 - One Thin Dime

In my mailbox at work this morning was a letter and a gift from two sisters who related their breast cancer story. It all started with a dime lying on the floor next to the hospital bed. Ignored… this time only… because it showed up again in the next room at the hospital. Their mother said it was a sign there were 10 angels watching over them. At various times, dimes kept appearing, sometimes in the craziest places! Soon family and friends kept finding them everywhere… just when they needed a sign of God being with them. The story is a breast cancer survivor story. The sisters had one of their dimes mounted on a key ring for me, so I can be reminded to watch for “my sign.”

My sign may or may not be a dime… but I can relate already. Ric’s mom is always finding dimes. When she finds one she says, “Look, one thin dime” and we all tease her. When we go out to dinner or shopping, Ric will walk ahead and throw a dime (or dimes) on the pavement, and Mrs. Cochran gets so excited when she “finds” them!!!

Ric

Yesterday and today have been really tough for Ric. I did a lot of crying early on and he was strong for me. Now, I’m moving on and getting myself ready for the next steps (educating myself through reading, nurturing my positive frame of mind, and making a list of things to pack in my goody bag to take to chemotherapy!). So at this point in time, I’m strong, but my heart breaks for Ric. I know he’s feeling vulnerable and scared.

Ric In Charge

David Lee Cancer Center called – I have an appointment with Dr. Cohen on Monday. Oh boy, here we go. Just a few short months ago I would have never imagined I would be going to a cancer center.

Received another call from DLCC, telling me my husband called wanting to interview Dr. Cohen. Bev wanted to know if he was just kidding or could he have been serious? Knowing Ric has been very concerned that I get a doctor who is personable and “not a jerk,” I said that I was fairly certain he was serious. Ric’s the only person I know who would want to interview the doctor before treating me! We just laughed and laughed. Bev assured me I would be in good hands with the doctor. I told her Ric would have to hear it from her to be satisfied, and she called him.

Release It

If I feel like crying, I just let it go. And it never really lasts very long now. I immediately start seeing things differently, I’m comforted… and quite hopeful! Release of emotions – so easy now… shouldn’t it be that way all the time? For everyone? Why do we stuff our feelings so often? I’m learning it’s healthier just to let it go… and then go on!

3/22/06 - Drains Are for Sinks... or So I Thought

Went to Dr. Covelli’s office and Sheila took drain out from under my arm. Glad that’s gone. (But also glad it was there to do its work.)

Pearly Whites

Went to dentist today. (Ric called Danny Monday for me to ask about fluoride to protect my teeth during chemo – Danny set appointment for me for a cleaning to make sure my teeth are in good shape before chemo. I felt really cared for. Kim cleaned my teeth and we chatted about American Idol. Danny explained how lack of saliva during chemo treatments can cause problems… told me to use sugar-free drops in my mouth to help maintain saliva. Gave me special fluoride toothpaste. Said they all sat by the radio and listened when Ric and I made the announcement yesterday.

Is It Too Much to Ask to Keep My Brain?

Sheila called from Dr. Covelli’s: I’ve been referred to the David Lee Cancer Center. Also said next step will be a PET scan to check for any other cancer, and an MRI to check for any cancer in my brain. I hung up the phone and cried thinking of the possibility of the cancer having spread to my brain. My first thought was if it was there, I’d just give up. I think this was my biggest scare so far.

Of course, then I realized these tests must be done. It’s just routine procedure. It just seems surreal that I even need these tests, or surgeries, or anything at all! I don’t feel sick! I had no aches or pains before this! I don’t walk up stairs… I run!

Of course the moral of this story is… have regular, routine mammograms! We need them, no matter how terrific we feel!

3/21/06 - This Is It

Today’s the day... I go public about having breast cancer. No turning back then. My employers keep asking “Are you sure?” The answer’s always the same… “Yes!” I’m counting on women realizing that if it can happen to me, it can happen to them too… or someone they love. I’m hoping doctors’ offices and imaging centers will be filled with women seeking breast exams and mammograms!

Nice Doctors

Received call from Dr. Covelli today. All pathology reports are back. I had cancer in 4 of 14 lymph nodes. I already knew 2 contained cancer, so it seemed like good news. But Dr. Covelli said it would have been better to have none with cancer… and this puts me into Early Stage III. We’ll start chemo soon after the port is implanted (next Wed.) and then when it’s time for radiation, likely in addition to the breast, the left arm will also need to be radiated.

After I told him a had a whole list of questions to ask, but I couldn’t find my list, he said “I’ve got time for you to look for your list – go ahead – I’ll wait.” If found it – he answered all my questions, and I felt better.

I also asked about my oncologist. He said I’ll likely go to David Lee Cancer Center. Can I pick out my oncologist? He said they’re all terrific, just different personalities. And I said I want someone with a good personality, like him. He laughed and said I shouldn’t have any trouble with any of the doctors. Seriously, I’m emotional, I’m a bit squeamish (okay… very) and I want someone who’ll be patient with me… till I get tougher and stronger.

My dentist, Dr. Danny Monday, is going to give my teeth another good check-up and cleaning before chemo and a fluoride rinse for protection. Support just keeps coming from all directions.

It’s Out Now!

Ric and I went on the air together, and disclosed that I have breast cancer. It went well. Ric asked folks not to call me right away, and to give me some breathing space, but e-mail would be okay. Immediately tons of emails poured in… all offering prayers, comfort and support. I was amazed. How will I ever have time to respond to all? I’m just overwhelmed… especially by the number of people who said we here at V100 are like family, including numerous people who had never e-mailed or called us before. Once again I’m blessed by such an outpouring of love.

Links & Things

I’ve got the website page almost ready to go with resource and information links set up. I want to start typing in these journal entries, too… just as a way for people who are interested can keep in touch with what’s going on… and also to help anyone dealing with the same thing (or who may be in the future) just get some comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

Idol & Salsa

Watched American Idol tonight. My top 5 – Cathryn, Taylor, Chris, Paris, Mandisa, Lisa. Ric and I watched while eating taco chips and Jenny Murray’s Mango Salsa!

3/20/06 - First Day Back to Work

First day back to work after nearly 4 days off. Stayed too long today… I feel like I have a big cardboard box under my arm! What is this? Numbness meets sensitive nerve endings? It’s so weird. I actually check from time to time to see if something’s really there.

The day began with eagnerness to get back to work. First thing I did was check email and my computer did not have enough memory to open it up. In my weakened emotional state (which I had thought was pretty strong) I just sobbed… and was ready to quit. Somehow Rick Johnson found out I was crying… came to my rescue. Between he and Dave Harman, our IT person, and Mike Buxser, our General Manager, I had a new computer by the end of the day!

Cancer + Tears = Results
Maybe tomorrow I go in and cry because my house needs cleaned J

Seriously… my company told me they would support me through all this… and I mean to tell you, I sure felt taken care of today! I’m blessed… my employers and co-workers are my friends too. So many people at work offered their sincere support, and I’m confident the prayers they promise are being said. Yep… I’m blessed.

Tomorrow… I go public about my breast cancer… at 2:45… Ric and I together.

3/19/06 - Sunday Morning

Getting ready for church today – trying hard to find something to wear that’s both comfortable and covers the drain on my side. Showering and movement to get ready much easier this morning. Not as tiring, not as much nausea or dizziness. I got a sweater over my head too! Praise for the little things.

I’m having strange sensations in my arm from tingling to feeling like tape is being torn from my arm – where there is none! I guess it’s nerve endings coming back to life. My underarm is completely numb – gonna have to get an electric razor… so I don’t do some serious damage!

I’m a little anxious about seeing folks at church. I know everyone is praying and caring for Ric and I. I’m nervous about hugs though… my left side is still pretty sore and then there’s that drain. No one can tell all that just by looking at me.

* * * * *
It was good to be at church! Ric and I had a nice easy day, at the bookstore for a bit, went out to eat, and watched the basketball game. WVU won… yea!

See the New Spring Colors

Seeing the trees beginning to bloom – a sign that new life is beginning in me! The cancer was found and now the healing is taking place. Confirms my image of what’s been happening in my body. I’m not fighting a battle. The cancer has arrived like a snowfall… setting a scene of softness and stillness – a time to reflect on the things in my life that are the opposite – stressful things that cause heartache. There’s a need for serenity and peace… it’s time to reassess, look at my life with new eyes and see how I can make changes. Snow can wreak havoc sometimes. But Spring always comes… it’s arriving now. The snow will melt away… beautiful, new flowers will bloom and take over… a re-awakening, a re-birth. Jesus is helping me to be born again!

That’s my image and visualization for healing. The chemo and radiation working together – providing nourishment and warmth for a healthy body.

3/18/06 - Evidence

Woke this morning to the woodpecker trying to make a home in the side of our house. I felt good, had a decent night’s sleep, remembered taking a pain pill in the middle of the night. Forgot I had laid awake for a while worried about Ric and my kids… till I saw the little pile of tissues beside my bed.

To Grandmother’s House We Go

The kids came to visit. We had a great day! Played guitar, piano, games, read, ate Mexican food and ice cream. The men took naps. We talked some about what’s going on with me, but mostly we just talked about everyday things and laughed a lot. A very good day.

At the Mexican restaurant I ordered “ice cream tea” again. Te helado = ice cream tea; te heilo = ice tea… I gotta remember that! I better stick to English. No… speaking Spanish is fun… and when I get it wrong, at least everyone has a good laugh.

I’m Still Jeanne

Ric reminded me (as I go back to church on Sunday, back to work on Monday) that my life is not all about cancer… I need to safeguard the kind of conversations I have with people. Sad stories are NOT what I need to hear, and I need to be ready to put a stop to those. My life is changed now, but it is still about the things I love… my husband J, my children and grandchildren, things like playing the piano, painting, work, eating outside, going to the bookstore, etc. – all the “normal” things that are still part of my life.

Panic

After emptying my drain before bed I had this terrible crushing pain under my arm. Ric came to help. I laid down on the bed, having trouble breathing, started to shiver and shake. Ric said maybe muscle spasms, told me to breathe in and then slowly breathe out. The pain eventually went away… and I settled down. Maybe I somehow created too much suction when I closed up the drain? I don’t know. I’ll be more careful next time. I guess I had somewhat of a panic attack. I feel bad that I gave Ric such a scare. I’m not nearly as strong as people think.

I’ve always had trouble with cuts, needles, seeing blood. I’m so squeamish. This may be the toughest part for me. That’s what I’ll ask people to help me with in their prayers. In some areas I’ll be really strong, but right now, here’s where I’m really weak.

Also, I’ll ask people to please pray for Ric – he’s such a help to me. I liked it better when I was his caretaker. But the roles have reversed for the time being. God is with us.

Letter From a Friend

I received a letter from a friend who related her story of personally going through adversity… which has made her able to help others… and her recognition that the ability to really help others comes only through personal knowledge and experience. I think I’ve known that for a number of years… but my friend reminded me of that truth. The past few days have been tough… but perhaps down the road, I’ll be able to truly relate to someone else who’s experiencing tough times. J’s letter has reminded me of my purpose in experiencing breast cancer – to help other women (1) by encouraging regular mammograms, (2) by sharing my personal experience with those who have or will have breast cancer, and (3) to encourage women to love their bodies!

Lead Me, God

Oh, God… lead me through this. Let me never think I know what is true or what is best. I pray that I look to you each day, each step of the way, and follow your lead. You call me not to be successful, but to be faithful. As I record thoughts and experiences in my journal, remind me just to write down my honest feelings and facts, and let them stand as they are without the need to explain what I think they mean. I will learn as I go. Others will learn what they need from my journal entries. I just need to be true… and you will see to it that your work gets done. I’m your servant. (I’ve got to find a song I used to know… “Sister, Let Me Be Your Servant.”)

3/17/06 - Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

Previous $’s raised has allowed research that will help me now… and others like me. So many more choices for women today. (Mastectomy vs. lumpectomy, sentinel lymph node biopsy vs. axillary, chemo, radiation, medicine to help with side effects, information to help women be knowledgea ble about our bodies, etc., etc., etc.). I’m benefiting right now from what has gone before me. What happens now, will benefit others like me in the future… and I need to remember to tell others, “as much as you may not like hearing it, it could happen to you, or someone you love.” The fact is… a woman’s chance of getting breast cancer during her lifetime is 1 in 8.

Poor, Poor Me

I laid down to rest today… positioned pillows, ice pack, blankets. Needed to turn over on my side… repositioned pillows, ice pack, blankets. The phone rang. It was Ric. I just completely lost it… just cried and cried, feeling completely and absolutely sorry for myself. Ric said he’s on his way home, stay on the phone. I do for a bit, then tell him I want to cry by myself… and I hang up.

Ric comes home and there’s me with puffy eyes, wild hair, flannel shirt, washed out face, crying like a baby. He lets me cry and comforts me at the same time.

Rick Johnson calls and Ric says I should talk to him. I finish up the crying as he talks to me. Rick repeats again that I’m not to worry about work, and wants to know what he can do. I tell him to take care of Ric, and he says that too much. We laugh. He leaves me “in stitches”!

Left, left, left

I catch myself using my right arm/hand when I would normally use my left (avoiding pain). So I just do a few exercises and try to consciously use my left arm more. When I force myself to do it, I feel discomfort at first, but then relief… the stretch actually feels good.

My V Team

So grateful to Rick Johnson, Steve & Jenny… for being willing, so willing, and happy to cover for me while I’m missing so much work. How awful it would be if I had to worry about work in any way. With these guys it’s just the opposite. I know they’re glad to be doing something that helps. What a blessing… my V team.

3/16/06 - Surgery Days

Yesterday and today – A lot of “blurry places.” Had surgery yesterday… wasn’t what I’d hoped for… had to go beyond sentinel lymph node biopsy and do axillary lymph node surgery. That of course means the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and maybe beyond. Won’t know till all path reports come back.

Yesterday I wasn’t sure how bad it was, and I had never seen such sadness in Ric’s eyes, so I thought this must not be good. Whenever someone called, he went out of the room to take the call. I still felt so safe and secure with Ric there with me.

This morning I asked Dr. Covelli how serious this is. He said, “well it’s serious… we’re dealing with breast cancer, but we’ll talk more when we get all the path reports back.” I cried. He also told me he could tell I was a strong woman… and I thought “yes, he’s right.”

Ric was back at the hospital before 7am so he could be there when the doctor came in. I’m back home now… and it’s good to be here!

Jeanne K – Next Olympic Champion

Dr. Covelli told me that it is very important to do therapy exercises to retain mobility in my left shoulder. (I recall Debbie telling me the importance of this also and that’s it’s also necessary to keep fluid drained so swelling doesn’t become permanent.) So… I started this morning. It was difficult but Dr. C assured me I could not hurt anything… my stitches were not going to come out. So I persevered. Now this evening I’m lifting my arm much higher. Progress! Yet it’s just wild that one day I’m (seemingly) healthy and the next thing I know, I’m having real trouble lifting my arm! And I thought running a marathon would be real exercise!

Our Flock

I told Ric I’m worried about how much cancer I do have. He’s worried too. We have to count on new treatments and remember others we’ve met who’ve survived. Keep positive. Just take one step at a time, do all I can to heal – exercise, eat right, take care of myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Laid down to rest. Ric leaned over and kissed me softly… then went and looked out the bedroom window and said, “There are 2 blue jays on the deck… 3 blue jays… a woodpecker now too… and cardinals, a male and a female!” And I said, “Now there’s a sign of life and hope!”

3/14/06 - Doctor Appointment

Got full pathology results. I felt encouraged. Looks unlikely that any more breast tissue will need to be taken. Dr. Covelli explained everything very well. Radiation a necessity. Chemo maybe. I’m not scared of either one.

Sheila (Dr. C’s nurse) handed me three scripture verses today… to encourage and comfort me. What an angel she is.

We went to IHOP for whole-grain and nut pancakes (becoming a tradition after dr. appts.). Hoped Melissa would be our server. She was! And she IS an angel. “Have a blessed day” is what she always says.

Met two nurses today (Pat and Janice) who are breast cancer survivors. They both left me with a lot of hope and feeling more secure about what’s ahead. The pre-op testing took 3 hours – felt so bad for Ric out in the waiting room.

Healing Medicine

Went to Tierra’s play. It was so cute! Sophie wanted to come home with me. When I left their house, Tierra & Sophie stood just outside the door, waving and yelling “We love you Grandma!” Jill and Daniel were arm-in-arm just inside the door. I WAS BLESSED.

Love

So many co-workers and friends and people I meet are offering support. And Ric… I think I’m taking him for granted. He’s like a rock… right there beside me… in every step. I have NEVER felt alone or lonely. He understands it all… my scattered, sometimes erratic feelings, the things I’m learning, new insights, that I feel faint at the sight of blood and incisions and needles. I can’t imagine going through this without him. I couldn’t have a better partner, buddy, friend. I love you, Ric… and right now “love is not a big enough word.”

3/13/06 - Monday Morning Meeting

Met with Ric, Rick Johnson and Mike Buxser at work this morning to discuss when to go public on the air about my situation. I was going to do it today, but was convinced to wait until after appointment tomorrow and surgery on Wednesday – both to be emotionally ready and Mike thought I should have the opportunity to back out. Told him NO… I would not back out, no matter how difficult going public could be. It is my desire to impress upon other women the need to have breast exams and mammograms. I will rely on my support people (first of all Ric) to help me thru any tough parts. However difficult it might be, it will be worth it!

MMM – Part 2

Received confirmation my decision to “tell all” is worth it: Two of my co-workers said their wives had already made appointments for mammograms after hearing “the news” about me. One has had numerous benign lumps, found something else, had thought it was probably more of the same, but will now have it checked. The other skipped her mammogram last year, but making appointment for it this morning! So… already two… more will follow… I have to tell!

Cards, Candy & Caring

Lots of support from co-workers today. I must be on the prayer list of dozens of churches in town!

Waiting

Doctor appointment tomorrow morning – he’ll go over full pathology reports with us. Guess I’ll know then pretty much what I’m dealing with. Still have the lymph node surgery on Wednesday though… seems like I can’t know full story till then. More waiting. Will the waiting be better than the knowing?

Right & Left

I remember feeling times the past few days of being glad the problem is on my left side rather than the right. I have the pain and discomfort from the surgery on the left, and I’m right-handed, so at least I’m not much impaired. Funny, how the things I’m grateful for keep changing!

Hope for the Worst?

It’s after midnight. I can’t sleep. So many things going thru my mind…

Tomorrow I find out the extent of my cancer. I hope that is was confined to the lump that was removed. Then I can deal with radiation and/or chemo and look forward to recovery. Yet the weirdest thoughts haunt me. If I’m called to really make a difference in the lives of other women by going public about my cancer, won’t I be more effective if I have to deal with more invasive cancer, that requires more drastic measures to treat? How much am I willing to sacrifice to increase awareness and motivate women to properly care for and look out for themselves? Am I willing to lose a breast, or both? Does God really want me to be that brave? It seems a lot to ask. And yet I can’t ask “Why me?”… I KNOW Why Me. Why not me?!?! I don’t wish it were somebody else instead of me. I realize I might be the chosen one to do this. I’m the one in a public job with the ability to reach so many people. Oh boy… that’s not the way I would have wished to be called chosen. It’s so so scary, yet I know if that’s my calling, I’ll also be cared for by God, Ric, family and friends in countless ways. The saddest part would be for Ric and my children to have to see me suffer. Now why does that have to occur? Why them?

Cancer the Gift

Debbie told me I will see cancer as the greatest gift of my life. I’ve since read that in some books, too.

Already I see the necessity to eliminate stress in my life… identify the causes of stress… and make changes. I see the need to identify areas of heartache in my life… and take steps to make changes to create more peace. I see the need to take care of myself physically – regular exams, eat right, take the time to exercise, time to paint, play the piano and guitar, time to just be quiet and be with God! Time.

Scared Straight

I remember the eye problem that caused me to call a doctor in the first place. Ric insisted I call the next day and said he would hound me constantly until I did. I put it off and he kept his “promise.” I made the appointment.

Never had the eye problem again. However my doctor ordered some routine tests, including a mammogram. That, of course, led to the discovery of my breast cancer. Ric literally saved my life!

I had to be scared into doing the right thing. Now I have to scare others into doing the right thing.

Hair

Still can’t sleep. It’s after 1:00 am now. Lymph nodes are going to be removed on Wednesday. How long before I can shave under my arm again?

I should have gotten my hair cut before Wednesday. Curly hair is not bed-friendly. It’ll be flat in the back and puffy on the sides.

If I have to have chemo and lose my hair, I won’t have to shave under my arms, or my legs, and I’m going to get a wig with straight hair!!!

There’s some cat hair on my quilt.

3/12/06 - It’s a Jungle Out There!

The window was open, and I woke this morning to the sounds of the woods – birds, squirrels, and who knows what? All kinds of sounds… hard to sort them all out. The woods are ALIVE!!!

Ric’s Wit

When Ric talks to me or other people, he uses words like “abreast” and phrases like “tit for tat.” No finer comedian could God have sent me! His humor takes the sting out of words that could cause sadness.

Climb, girl

My dad called this evening with this Japanese haiku:

He said to the snail,
Go slow. Go very slowly.
Climb up Mount Fugi.

Take one day at a time, carefully. You can reach “the top.” The journey is important – it’s going to be filled with new things to learn, real growth, wisdom… and even more!

Take One First Grade Play… and Feel Better in the Morning

Tierra (my granddaughter) told me about her play at school on Tuesday evening (in Parkersburg). I wanted to tell her I’d be there, but I have surgery again on Wednesday morning, and I knew I should get rest. But my heart ached after the phone call. What I really want to do is GO to her play and see her sing and dance.

I read tonight in “The Healing Journey” that we need to identify stresses in our lives. Cancer is a gift that helps us to do that… and if we use that gift wisely we’ll make changes in our lives to alleviate that stress. I often do things I feel I “should” do, instead of what I “want” to do… and that causes my heart to ache, and sometimes break. What I really want is to spend more time with my children and grandchildren… and that’s in my power to change! What better time to start than right now? What I need more than rest before my surgery on Wednesday… is a happy heart.

Let God In

Ric told me tonight that whatever I read and find encouraging, hopeful, inspiring… I have to take the time with God to let Him speak to me about it… actually implement what I read into my life, with God at my side.

Bees to Mermaids

Finished the book, “The Secret Life of Bees.”

“God goes into the holes life has gouged out of us. God… our Mother.”

I didn’t want to finish the book, because it was soooooooo good… didn’t want it to end. But found Sue Monk Kidd’s new book (“The Mermaid Chair”) at BAM today… so I knew I could let “Bees” go… and let a new one come in.

3/11/06 - In Like a Lamb; Out Like a Lion

Felt great this morning… good, optimistic attitude! Ready to go!

Picked up books from my friend today – she promised again to be my contact anytime I needed her.

She was wearing a special wrapping on her arm – to help with a problem that was a result of lymph nodes being removed. She’ll deal with this the rest of her life. Although she told me that therapy and exercises after the surgery would be the best thing to do to prevent lymphadema, it still haunted me all day. I’m scared about the lymph node surgery.

And as strong and comfortable as this lady was with the double mastectomy she had to have… I’m not sure I’m ready to say “okay, no breasts” if it comes to that. I know that it’s a person’s attitude, personality and spirit that defines who they are… including me… but I just can’t think too far into the future right now.

This is tough.

3/10/06 - “All My Life’s A Circle”- Harry Chapin

Went back to work today. Thought it would just be a usual day. It didn’t work out like that. Talking to people who already knew was fine, and also encouraging and positive. Telling people who didn’t know was difficult… I still can’t say the words “I have breast cancer.” I had a lot of pain and swelling too, so I wasn’t even physically ready to go back. I just broke down. Ric took me back home.

Taking Ric’s advice, I sat out on the deck in the sunshine. I also took 3 naps!

I got a call from the surgeon’s office to schedule my next surgery (lymph nodes). Thought at first this meant there was more cancer, but no… this is just the next step. I cried some more (surprise, surprise).

Ric went on-line and made some phone calls to find a support group for me. After numerous calls my “contact” turned out to be someone we already knew and liked, and now even lives in our neighborhood!!! Debbie is a breast cancer survivor. I’ll call her later.

Ric and I went to one of our favorite restaurants (Sitar of India, on Lee Street). Saw our friends Missy and Steve there. We had fun, laughed, and relaxed. I mentioned wanting to buy some books on visualization and imagery – Missy’s eyes lit up… “I already have some and I’ll loan ‘em to you!”

When we got home I called Debbie… she was very helpful and alleviated many of my fears. She also told me, now that the lump is removed, I don’t have to hurry to make the next decisions – it’s all “clean up” work from here on out. She promised to be here for me throughout the process, and is going to loan me some good books. I feel good again, and will be able to sleep.

I hope Ric can sleep tonight. He’s worn out and in pain. God, please take care of Ric… and let him know he still has to take care of himself too!

We first met Debbie at Uno’s in Teays Valley when Ric and Steve were singing. Harry Chapin was Ric’s biggest musical influence. Debbie and her husband are huge Harry Chapin fans and gave Ric a video of one of his performances in Germany. They also went on one of the R&J Runaways with us. Now they live around the corner from us! Debbie comes back into our lives at this point in time… It’s just a like a big CIRCLE!

3/9/06 - You Are So Beautiful

Day after lumpectomy… I stayed home today of course. Ric played a song for me on the air… You Are So Beautiful. And I knew that no matter what my body would go through, I would still be beautiful to Ric. That made me happy, but I still cried.

Crying comes and goes so suddenly. When I feel like crying there’s no thinking about whether I should or shouldn’t, no trying to hold back, no wondering if I should be stronger… it’s okay to cry when you have Cancer.

So hard to say the word out loud.

I’m wondering today what others are thinking… what they’ll say when they hear… what they’ll say to me.

To The Books

Started reading again today… old books I already had, with information I trusted. I don’t expect doctors and nurses to do it all for me… I want to do things to put myself in a positive, “receptive to healing” state! I Have Decided!

I’d Like the Extended Warranty, Please (I’ll Pay Extra...)

I’ve been thinking so far, “Lord I can get through this (fear, surgery, radiation, chemo, pain, etc.) and help others… if I just know that I will get well. Now I realize that I’m not getting a guarantee… not knowing is part of the journey. There aren’t any guarantees anyway… we just usually don’t deal with the reality.

I’ve got to go through the whole experience – no special circumstances for me. This doesn’t mean I can’t have hope… I do! I am visualizing myself whole and healthy. It may be more than a “walk around the block” to get there, but I will!

3/8/06 - The "C" Word

I didn’t start keeping a journal right away… but the day after surgery (3/8/06), I realized I was going to have to write, if nothing else for therapeutic reasons!

When I first heard the doctor say “cancer” as it related to me, I was in shock… and I was afraid. So was Ric… there was fear when our eyes connected… but we quickly realized God was there with us too… and we would get through this.

For the next several days I was in basically good spirits, but tears would come and go abruptly… unexpectedly… sometimes in mid-sentence!

The next several days were also filled with telling family and close friends. Ric took care of most of this for me.

As I ponder how I’m going to deal with cancer, I remember reading Dr. Andrew Weil’s books some years ago… and recall him talking about not “fighting” a disease, but “embracing” it, accepting it, and realize that a disease often comes our way to teach us something. I’ll have to find that book again.

Ric’s Pre-Op Video

We got new cell phones with photo/video capability. Seemed pretty cool when we got em, until Ric decided to video me before surgery… in my “little old man” hospital gown, gray bootie-socks, white cap covering my hair, strip across my forehead recording my temperature, no jewelry, no make-up, no contact lenses. We laughed a lot during the taping! Ric also showed me a video he did of our cat Dot, where he asked her questions and she shook her head yes or no… some trickery involved, but that made me laugh too. God’s grace and love often come to me through humor… and through Ric!

Telling It All

It didn’t take long to realize I would have to tell “my story” on the air. So many people think Ric and I have a perfect life. If everyone knows I have breast cancer, they’ll also know it can happen to them, or someone they love. Before moving to Charleston, I worked for over 20 years in a law firm… and now I’m on a radio station! God put me here, trusting I will use this position wisely. I have to reach out to other women… and impress upon them the need for regular check-ups and mammograms.

Tennis

Jill (my daughter) and Daniel (my son-in-law) and Tierra & Sophie came to visit the evening after my surgery. We had some tears, but laughed too. Daniel is from Mexico and some of us in the family have been learning Spanish. I have a CD I often play in the car to help in the learning process. I recently mastered the phrase “Tengo un raquete, pero no tengo una pelota.” I love the way the phrase rolls off my tongue… so I proudly displayed my new skill to everyone. Ric asked what it meant. I said “I have a racquet, but I don’t have a ball.” Knowing I don’t even play tennis, Ric said “That’s wonderful, Jeanne. I can see how you’ll use that a lot.” We all roared. God’s grace… coming thru again.

Here’s Your Sign

I found Dr. Weil’s book about healing on our bookshelves, and as I was looking through it, an old bookmark literally fell out onto my lap. It said “Do not be afraid of tomorrow… God is already there.”