Woke this morning to the woodpecker trying to make a home in the side of our house. I felt good, had a decent night’s sleep, remembered taking a pain pill in the middle of the night. Forgot I had laid awake for a while worried about Ric and my kids… till I saw the little pile of tissues beside my bed.
To Grandmother’s House We Go
The kids came to visit. We had a great day! Played guitar, piano, games, read, ate Mexican food and ice cream. The men took naps. We talked some about what’s going on with me, but mostly we just talked about everyday things and laughed a lot. A very good day.
At the Mexican restaurant I ordered “ice cream tea” again. Te helado = ice cream tea; te heilo = ice tea… I gotta remember that! I better stick to English. No… speaking Spanish is fun… and when I get it wrong, at least everyone has a good laugh.
I’m Still Jeanne
Ric reminded me (as I go back to church on Sunday, back to work on Monday) that my life is not all about cancer… I need to safeguard the kind of conversations I have with people. Sad stories are NOT what I need to hear, and I need to be ready to put a stop to those. My life is changed now, but it is still about the things I love… my husband J, my children and grandchildren, things like playing the piano, painting, work, eating outside, going to the bookstore, etc. – all the “normal” things that are still part of my life.
Panic
After emptying my drain before bed I had this terrible crushing pain under my arm. Ric came to help. I laid down on the bed, having trouble breathing, started to shiver and shake. Ric said maybe muscle spasms, told me to breathe in and then slowly breathe out. The pain eventually went away… and I settled down. Maybe I somehow created too much suction when I closed up the drain? I don’t know. I’ll be more careful next time. I guess I had somewhat of a panic attack. I feel bad that I gave Ric such a scare. I’m not nearly as strong as people think.
I’ve always had trouble with cuts, needles, seeing blood. I’m so squeamish. This may be the toughest part for me. That’s what I’ll ask people to help me with in their prayers. In some areas I’ll be really strong, but right now, here’s where I’m really weak.
Also, I’ll ask people to please pray for Ric – he’s such a help to me. I liked it better when I was his caretaker. But the roles have reversed for the time being. God is with us.
Letter From a Friend
I received a letter from a friend who related her story of personally going through adversity… which has made her able to help others… and her recognition that the ability to really help others comes only through personal knowledge and experience. I think I’ve known that for a number of years… but my friend reminded me of that truth. The past few days have been tough… but perhaps down the road, I’ll be able to truly relate to someone else who’s experiencing tough times. J’s letter has reminded me of my purpose in experiencing breast cancer – to help other women (1) by encouraging regular mammograms, (2) by sharing my personal experience with those who have or will have breast cancer, and (3) to encourage women to love their bodies!
Lead Me, God
Oh, God… lead me through this. Let me never think I know what is true or what is best. I pray that I look to you each day, each step of the way, and follow your lead. You call me not to be successful, but to be faithful. As I record thoughts and experiences in my journal, remind me just to write down my honest feelings and facts, and let them stand as they are without the need to explain what I think they mean. I will learn as I go. Others will learn what they need from my journal entries. I just need to be true… and you will see to it that your work gets done. I’m your servant. (I’ve got to find a song I used to know… “Sister, Let Me Be Your Servant.”)
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